Lost...his mind

6.17 The End Part II

2010-06-14T10:18:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. I was stunned at how much more angry I am with the ending on second viewing. I pray that I get a brain aneurysm before I am forced to ever see it again. I’d rather drink a gallon of stomach acid than have to watch it again. It didn’t make any sense if you want to follow the rules the writers created, bent, and eventually discarded. I am livid over the church scene at the end. My LOST DVDs are currently smoldering outside in my backyard as I doused them in gasoline and danced around a blazing fire, naked in the moonlight. Maybe it was the middle of the day, and my neighbors were having a block party to which I wasn’t invited. But I was definitely naked. LOST gave me and many others years of entertainment, and it’s just a shame for such a fizzling finale. It’s having a hot naked broad in your bed, and having to say “Gee, that’s never happened to me before.” Then she pats you on the head and says “It’s OK, don’t worry about it, these things happen all the time.” Then she goes into the bathroom closes the door, and you can hear the giggling. On the bright side, Jack spent an hour dying, so at least he suffered. From a wound that moved around his body at least three times. The magical, traveling wound. That’s right. Ben isn’t the only one to have that talent. Throughout the whole episode, I kept thinking how Kate was a fairly attractive female during Season 1, and as of this episode, looked a lot like a frizzy rat. Her face was incredibly weasel-like, sort of like a ferret a former friend of mine had. I have to use former a lot since I have no current friends. They’re all dead. I killed them. At least I think they’re dead. They weren’t when I buried them. I just want to pat Kate on the top of her head and feed her pellets of food. So, let’s go forth and finish looking back on this epic failure of an finale, the tragic death of MIB, the blunders of who was and wasn’t in Jack’s shitty church, and the “what, that’s it?” final scenes.

We start with Jack and MIB running at each other on top of some cliffs. Are these the same cliffs that were right over the cave with names that Sawyer traveled to? Possibly. It’s raining really hard, the last rain we will see on the show. Jack and MIB fling themselves at each other and collapse. MIB takes the time to take off his backpack, which he managed to carry around for Seasons 5 and 6 for no reason. So, this must mean that he cannot change into smoke anymore, since if he could, Jack would have been pulverized. So, we’ve established that MIB can’t fight, after seeing young Jacob kick his ass several times. Now, he has to fight as an old man. Why would MIB leaving the island mean the end of the world? He just wants to take a trip. Is that so wrong? Why does Jack have stick his nose into family business. It’s not his fight, but Jacob and Mother vs MIB. Jack has murder on his mind and heart. Premeditated murder. MIB saved Jack’s life during the Widmore attack, and this is the thanks he gets. The fight itself is awkward, since it looks like Jack is fighting his grandfather. Part of the cliffs start to crumble away and fall into the ocean. The island is a giant pothole. MIB reaches for a knife, and manages to stab Jack in the armpit. I rewatched it 17 times. Armpit. Yet, a couple of seconds later, the knife is pulled out from Jack’s midsection, about 6 inches above the belly button. The wound moved about 2 feet. MIB puts the knife to Jack’s throat and sneers “You died for nothing”. I’m sitting at home and sneering “and his head is full of cotton candy too.” I was feeling pure joy at the thought of Jack being shish kabobbed, when the Bride of Frankenstein cowardly puts a bullet in the back of our hero. Kate: I saved you a bullet. Boooo. Kate ruins everything. The writers were so desperate to give Kate something meaningful to do after 6 seasons of committing crime after crime, they had her kill yet another person. Kate is a morally bankrupt person who missed out on a fantastic career running Enron. Jack kicks the mortally wounded MIB off the cliff, onto some rocks down below. Hippocratic oath, my ass. The camera lingers on the lifeless body, no evidence of any smoke, but plenty of evidence of a crime against humanity. MIB’s demise is at the hands of completely repugnant characters. The surgery for Locke is over in the hospital. Jack is bleeding from his neck, mimicking his spilled blood on the island. Somehow, this particular cut has been bleeding about a week in the LAX timeline, so Jack is no doubt a hemophiliac. Which means he’s gay. Locke wakes up before Jack can go for a run on the steps of a stadium because nowadays there is no security at such places in light of terrorist attacks and such. Locke: I can feel my legs. Locke continues to wiggle his toes, stabs Jack in the foot, wheels himself to the parking lot and finds the Pvssy Wagon, spends most of the day playing with his toes, makes up a list of people that he needs to kill, takes a flight to Japan, and takes on the entire country’s population in a fight with a Samurai sword. It’s called Kill Ben Volume I. Locke flashes to island memories, but he doesn’t seem to see the image of dying at the hands of Ben. Funny how that didn’t make it. Jack needs to skedaddle and see his son, which Locke correctly points out that Jack doesn’t have a son. So, David is a figment of Jack’s imagination. Nothing in this timeline matters, so how do you interpret David? The flash sideways is simply stupid in every possible way.

Jack examines his wound, and it’s moved again, this time to about where his pelvis it. And it’s on his side now too. So, the original stab wound has magically moved about 3 feet now. Also, not only did the rain stop instantly, it’s bright and sunny and there is no evidence that any rain has fallen at all, no puddles, nothing. Ben, Sawyer, and Hurley arrive to hear Kate say “it’s over”. Well, I’m more concerned about how they got the enormous tree off Ben, who couldn’t move a few minutes ago. Ben doesn’t even seem to be injured in any way at all. Stupid assh0le writers. Holes in the plot so big, you could drive a battle ship through it. Yes, I know battle ships don’t have wheels. Let’s just assume the tree disintegrated from the acid rain from the Factory Hatch. Sawyer visits Jin and Sun in the hosptital. Sun: it’s OK, I am safe, we will see you there. Well, the scene was short, and Sun and Jin barely talked. That’s fine with me. Frank is testing the plane and sends Miles to fix the hydrolics with duct tape. Has anybody tried using duct tape in plugging the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, because apparently it’s the 2nd most miraculous invention in history, behind the Shamwow. If duct tape is so incredible, how come hostage don’t lose their lips when you peel duct tape off their mouths? Still not sure why Hydra island is breaking up, as the cork and hole is on the main island way across the ocean. Jack figures out that he needs to reverse whatever Desmond did. Kate wants Jack to forget the silly stuff of saving the world, and instead come with them and let the magic island sink. Considering the Others that are still in the jungle, along with Rose, Bernard, Vincent, Desmond, Claire on the other island, it’s nice that she is willing to let the islands sink just so she can canoodle with Jack again in the outer world. Kate is a real people person. Somehow, rat-faced Kate can’t convince Jack and walks away in a huff. Miss Fussy Britches didn’t get her way and is off to pout. Sawyer is getting ready to go use the sailboat. Ben wants to go down with the island. Hurley says he is too fat for the ladder and wants to embrace certain death by following Jack, which is pretty standard for following Jack the last 6 seasons. Follow Jack = death. Kate cries and kisses Jack, which means that she is going to have sex with Sawyer as soon as she is out of Jack’s sight. Kate and Jack exchange I Love You’s and hopefully AIDS in their spit swapping. Why is a skilled surgeon like Jack bleeding to death? He doesn’t even attempt to seal the wound. Dumbest doctor ever. The kissing was pretty foul. It was like watching two deaf people try to sing karaoke. Cringe worthy. Like kissing an inflatable girl friend. So I’ve heard.

Sawyer and Kate go cliff diving, which is really dangerous considering how many rocks have crumbled off the cliffs in the last few minutes. Oh, how I wanted Kate to land head first on a rock shaped like a triangle. Frank barked to Sawyer to hurry up and get over there. ‘Ole Shag Carpet Chest is getting ants in the pants. In the hospital, Sawyer asks Jack where he could find some grub. Considering that Sawyer has no reason to be at the hospital at the moment, he could simply walk out and grab a bite to eat, but instead settles for the appetizing wares of a delectable vending machine. Sawyer pays for our old friend, the Apollo candy bar, and it won’t dispense. Juliet interrupts to explain that unplugging and then plugging in the machine will get the desired result, and introduces a not so subtle metaphor for what is happening on the island. Desmond popped out the cork of the island so that Jack could find a way to arbitrarily murder MIB and then you need to pop the cork back in so that the island doesn’t sink and everything goes back to normal, other than all the cracks and fissures on the island, and all the parts that fell into the sea. The island is basically ruined. During the first few hours on the job, Jack shatters the island and gets killed. Well, it was his first day, so I guess he’ll get better over the next few weeks. Oh, wait, he’s dead. Sawyer gets his candy bar. “It worked.” Ah, this was what Juliet wanted to tell Sawyer just before she died and then Miles had to read her dead mind. So, Juliet was speaking from the afterlife and actually said nothing meaningful. Meaning that Jack setting off the Jughead bomb did not work even a little bit. There was no reset, no landing in Los Angeles. Dead is dead. Whatever happened, happened. Daniel was wrong, Jack was wrong, Dharma was wrong. Jacob was wrong. Mrs Klugh was wrong. Vincent was wrong. Everybody that said anything during the course of the show was wrong. Juliet: “we should get coffee sometime” utters another quote from when she died in Sawyer’s arms During the season 6 opening episode. Their hands touched and they both flashed to the island memories, including the brutal Juliet falling down the shaft scene. Their reunion scene and kiss was fairly well done and these two really seemed to click on screen. I liked both characters overall, and it’s a shame that this was really the last meaningful scenes they had on the show. I’m not a total monster, and the scene almost made me feel an emotion of some sort, but I can’t tell what it almost was because the anger and bile came back fairly quickly. Hmm, what could it be that would cause me to have such disgust?

So Jack goes to the concert and runs into Kate. Aaaarrghghghghgh. I want to stick a fork in my ear and twirl it. Everybody is gone. No doubt the crowd heard about 2 songs from Daniel Drive Shaft, and left as if the building was on fire. On fire with crap music. I don’t believe Daniel drives and Claire just gave birth. Who drove them home? Details, it’s all in the details. Kate: looking for someone? Well, I’d like to think someone needs Kate’s help in loading a couch into the back of a van and then Kate wakes up at the bottom of a well without skin while a naughty gentleman with a nickname of “Buffalo” is doing a tuck dance to Goodbye Horses in a Kate skin suit. Jack: where do I know you from? I’d go with America’s Most Wanted, Cops, Reno 911 or a supporting character on My Name is Earl. Kate reminds the thinking challenged Jack that she stole his pen on the Oceanic 815 flight. Psst, Jack, this is the 34th person you’ve met from the flight in Los Angeles. Do you still think it’s a coincidence, Sherlock? Kate says how much she has missed Jack and puts her hands to his head. Jack has a bit of a flash, but I expect that I’d have the same feeling if Kate put her hands to my temples. Yes, electric shock therapy and probably some projectile vomiting. Kate: come with me, you will understand. She wrinkles her nose like a rat. Back to the cave, and Jack is to go on alone. Well, you can finally see his neck wound, the one that has been showing up in worthless flash sh!tways timeline. Hurley is crying and being angry over Jack about to die, like a 13 year old girl that just got opened up a present at her birthday party and didn’t get what she demanded from her parents. Jack decides that petulant Hurley should be his replacement to protect the island, mostly because he needs to be replaced by someone who cries really well, and Hurley is putting on a good show. Ben is standing right there. The guy has wanted to be in charge of the island his whole life. And instead, Jack forces the island into the hands of Hurley, who has said in previous episodes he didn’t want the job, and even now is fighting this. Jack is forcing Hurley to be a prisoner of the island for the rest of his life. Jack is an assh0le. Jack fills up a rather worn down and unclean water bottle from a mud puddle, and hands it to Hurley to drink. No chant is forthcoming, so now the ceremony is not following the rules established. Hurley chokes down the filthy, diseased water, and is now the equal of Jack. Except, Jacob and Hurley never had a choice in becoming a guardian. Jack volunteered. So, Hurley is not “just like me”. Franks starts up the plane, which sounds worse than a 30 year old lawnmower. I bet Frank had to pull the string of the plane about 7 times to get it revving. Hugo and Ben lower Jack down into the bottom of the cave, but can’t hold on for long, and Jack plummets the rocks below like Locke in Season 5 fell down the well before turning the frozen donkey wheel. Speaking of which, why exactly was it wrong for Ben to turn it instead of Locke, causing the time travel. That’s what MIB told Locke in that well/Orchid station. In the end, that wasn’t explained either. Jack finds Desmond on the ground. This is no time for a nap. Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey. Desmond explains that he put out the light, but it didn’t work, they are still there, he thought they would disappear, you were right Jack. Jack: there is a first time for everything. While it’s nice to see Jack admit that he never right about anything, he thought Desmond was a weapon to use against MIB. It didn’t really work out that way. Desmond unplugged the island, so that Jack could beat up MIB, but that was an accidental result that Jack had no expectations of occurring. Desmond was wrong, thinking the plug would work like Jughead was supposed to, but strike two, everybody on the show was wrong about everything. Jack ties the rope around Desmond. The islands continue to crumble. Somebody needs to order a sh!tload of duct tape to repair the mess. Sawyer and Kate find Claire sitting on the beach. Oh, dear God, they left Skull Baby behind. No wonder Claire is depressed. Frank throws the plane into reverse, looks out his rear view mirror, and slowly backs out into traffic like a soccer mom leaving her driveway in an SUV. I had trouble with that bag of crap. It’s like the plane had the maneuverability of a motorcycle. It’s a huge commercial airliner for crying out loud. Claire: this island made me crazy, I don’t know how to be a mother anymore. I’ll say. You left Skull Baby on the other island, you clumsy oaf. That skull is all alone. I bet that by now Vincent has made it a chew toy and pissed on it. Kate: I’ll help you. Oh, no you won’t. There is no focking way Mrs. Littleton is allowing Kidnapping Kate anywhere near her grandchild. Plus, Kate broke her probation for leaving the state of California. Guess who is going to jail for the next 10 years? Hahaha. For a second there, I thought Kate and Claire were going to kiss. I think I’ve been watching too much adult entertainment lately. Frank is making skid marks on the runway, popping some wheelies, doing a Triple Lindy while ignoring Sawyer’s pleas to wait a second, they are right around the corner. Hell, these people might die, but a schedule is a schedule. Frank is suffering withdrawls, and needs to get off the island as fast as possible to find some whacky tobacky. The plane’s seats are purple. It’s gotten to the point where I refuse to allow anything purple inside my house. Sawyer, Kate, and Claire run out of the jungle and in front of the plane. Frank: what the Hell? Oh, for fock’s sake Burt Reynolds from Boogie Nights. They are called “people”, Frank. You know how that walkie thing sitting on the ground about 3 feet away from you has been squawking for half an hour “wait, oh God, please wait we are almost there, for the love of God don’t leave us to die on this God forsaken crumbling rock”, well some folks are trying to get your attention. And you should be able to recognize people, numbskull, you transport them everyday in a big metallic thingy in the air. When Bram called Frank a possible “candidate” for something, he meant lobotomy. And he meant that Frank already had one. Jack is really milking this death scene, as it does take him about an hour of screen time to finally gurgle off into the afterlife. I think the wound is working it’s way up his chest, but I just don’t care anymore. Jack picks up the cork and puts it back in it’s hole. It’s a good thing there wasn’t a round peg and a square peg there, or Jack would have bled to death trying to figure out which one belonged in a round hole. Claire, Sawyer, Kate climb aboard the plane. These scenes are not happening in the same time frame. The plane is about to leave and fly off, while Jack still has another hour to die. Frank is zig zagging all around the runway, which is cracking like Joan Rivers face will the next time she sneezes. Again, why is Hydra island breaking up, when the bloody hole is on the other island? Cheesy. As this Ajira Six (Frank, Richard, Miles, Sawyer, Kate, Claire) is getting ready to leave, what about all the passengers that got purged. They never confirmed who or what killed them. So they need to make up a cover story, like Oceanic Six did. But Frank has to explain how he landed a plane on a runway on an island that you can’t find, all the passengers except for Kate and himself are gone, they found 4 new people to board the plane, one of the passengers was born about 190 years ago, and a hundred passengers are dead. Oh, and the guy in the coffin is missing too. The plane wobbles down the runway and takes off. I so want it to hit a ridge and explode into a huge ball of flames. Good luck in finding the right coordinates to leave, since this isn’t a helicopter. Oh, that’s right. Any established rules are out the window. It’s time for Six Flags to put up an amusement park on the island. Maybe some strip malls. And 74 Subways. On the plane, Kate and Claire are holding hands. I wonder how Aaron will feel about his lesbian mothers? The camera cuts away before they kiss, but they were moving towards each other. I swear. Hey, if Kate can’t have Jack, she can still get his sister. Jack is laying in the pit, no doubt thinking about how he wasted his life. The shaking of the island stops, the stupid light comes back on again, moths start to fly directly into it, and all is right in the world again. Boooo. Ben and Hugo pull up a sack of potatoes with the rope, and it’s Desmond. Jack is still laying in the pool/pit. Hurley is so overjoyed to see his friend Desmond alive, he accidently yells out things like “Nooooooo!!!!” and “Jack!!!!!” instead of “I’m very happy to see you alive, Desmond.” He almost kicks Desmond back down into the cave. Hurley is an anal wart. I can assure you, not everybody loves Hugo. He is now firmly in the spotlight, and his character is regressing in maturity and morality. Be proud in your ultimate successor, Jacob. It’s Pee Wee Hurley. Meanwhile, why did we need Desmond to uncork the island, if Jack can do it in reverse. And neither turned into a smoke monster. What are the focking rules? This is bullsh!t. No logic whatsoever. Jack is now an electro magnetic freak of nature too? Mother says don’t let anyone in the cave, and it’s a damn conga line to the inside. Start building an E-Z Pass lane.

The church where the coffin was delivered. Locke arrives in a taxi, gets in a wheelchair, and starts to push himself towards the stairs. Ben is sitting outside in what looks like a courtyard, on a bench. Locke: is everybody here already? Ben: mostly. So, the Flashies are gathering together after their awakenings. Ana Lucia was not ready yet, but these folks have been manipulated into memories. I guess nobody likes Ana Lucia enough to wake her up. But I’ll get back to that topic in a bit. Ben apologizes to Locke for his selfishness, his jealousy of what Locke had. Locke: what did I have? Well, two useless limbs, only one kidney, a fear of falling out of 8 story windows, and a dead fiancé. Ben: you were special. I strongly believe Ben is trying to set up Locke to murder him again. Can you kill someone twice? If anyone can figure it out, it’s Benjamin Linus. Locke forgives Ben. I’m disappointed. This is terrible closure. I want Ben to grab that wheelchair and push it down a steep hill towards a busy highway. It’s creepy seeing Locke without the eye scar. Ben isn’t going inside because he still has some things to work out. Well, after killing thousands of people, I think Ben is going to get jabbed in the ass with a pitchfork in the afterlife. I’m surprised not to see him on fire right now. What, he isn’t done trying to sexually assault Alex? Ben: I don’t think you need to be in that chair anymore. Locke: DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO!!!!....er…wut? Locke stands up, walks inside. Desmond is semi conscious on the island. Ben gives him a rock for a pillow because a back pack would have been a worse choice. Hurley is blubbering. Get it? H: It’s my job now. Hurley is a real Panicky Pete. Ben: do what you do best, help people. That was a completely terrible bit of writing. Help people? Hurley? The only meaningful things Hurley has done for 6 seasons is take a census, steal food, and listen to dead people tell him that he is an idiot. Hurley stinks and I don’t like him. He needs for someone to smack him in the face and yell “Act like a man, what’s the matter with you!!!” Instead, Sally SobsALot is lamenting that he has to roll up his sleeves and do some work for once in his life. Or give the job to Ben, the deserving person for the island. He’s a sneaky little sh!t. He’s perfect for the job. Ben suggest that maybe they can try to get Desmond home. Hurley: people can’t leave the island. Ben: that’s how Jacob ran things. What? The guardian makes up the rules as they go along. Which Ben had no problem breaking when he allowed Michael and Walt leave. Well, it’s a good rule nonetheless. But I can’t imagine that the Romans that shipwrecked and brought Jacob and MIB to the island couldn’t have built a raft and left. No, it’s hard to leave. But, let’s get rid of all the rules. They mean nothing. That’s just the way Jacob ran things. Is that so? Jacob ran nothing. He kidnapped people from the outside world, brought them to the island, and watched them get slaughtered. Hurley asks for Ben’s help. Ben embarrassingly agrees. The stone cold killing machine, the man with a plan, is now Hurley’s coffee boy. How depressing. We don’t know how Laurel and Hardy end up running the island, but I would be so unhappy if Ben didn’t at least try to kill Hugo 3 times. Hurley walks out of the church for apparently no reason and sees Ben. Ben: I don’t think I’m coming in. Ben is on the outside of the cool kids. He knows it. Oh, and there are the thousands of people he killed. That might be a problem. You were a good #2. You were a great #1. Yuck. I need to go take a #2 now after hearing that sickening display of affection from these butt buddies. Jack arrives at the church with Kate. Is this afterlife in the vision of Jack only? I mean, of all the meeting places, it had to be his father’s funeral? Is this whole dam show about Jack and his journey on the island and his utter failure in getting his fellow passengers rescued and now he is rewarded with hanging out with his friends that he helped kill in the afterlife. I bet a bunch of them have better places to go and more important people to hand out with, but are now trapped to suffer in eternity with stupid Jack and his completely inane stories and lack of wit and lack of charm. Kate is going inside, and suggests Jack take the back entrance so that she doesn’t have to be seen with him in public because Kate is afraid the paparazzi with take unflattering pictures of them. Insane Kate must be seeing a red carpet where there clearly is none. Jack wakes up outside the cave, his body is transported much like MIB’s was, but he isn’t dead, which is bullsh!t. He is not a smoke monster, so that’s double bullsh!t. He stubbles into jungle, bleeding, and dying. Good. Maybe a polar bear catches his scent. Jack enters the “church”. More bullsh!t. Look, don’t call it a church if you insist on displaying religious symbols and pictures from a dozen different faiths. Jewish people have Temples, Muslims have Mosques, etc. Churches are more Christians based. People are so paranoid of offending somebody that logic is suspended. Either make it a church, or have the meeting place in a waffle house. Politically correct people are like colostomy bags with holes. Completely useless. Jack approaches the coffin. This would have been a cool time to break out some horror film music, like the piano music from Halloween. He puts his hand on the coffin, and he becomes a Flashie. He swings open the lid. The coffin is empty, but Christian Shepherd is right behind him. Look out, he’s got a chainsaw. Jack: I don’t understand. Oh, boy, here begins the 10 minute speech that could have taken 30 seconds because Jack needs to reason things out. Jack: you died….(4 minutes elapse)…so….I died too. Christian hugs Jack like he did when Jack got his first D on a math test. That was a proud moment. Jack cries. Well, Jack has to cry every episode. It’s in the contract. I kept waiting for Jack to ask “So, how’s Mom?” but it never happened. Jack is an assh0le. Is this really Christian Shepherd, or God, or something else entirely? Like when Jodie Foster in that wretched Contact movie finally got a chance to talk to aliens, and they appeared as her dead father to her to make it easier to understand. Is this a Matrix world? Oh, the possibilities are endless, but somehow the writers make this scenario suck really badly. Christian: everything that has ever happened to you is real, everybody dies sometime, some died long after you, there is no “now” here. OK. Everybody dead, time is of no consequence. Got it. All these dead people were just living a fake life in this “timeline” as it all meant nothing. David doesn’t exist, Jack. Oh, Keamy dies in the afterlife, so I have no idea what happens when you die more than once. Christian: this is a place you made so that you could find one another, the most important part of your life was spent with these people, you needed all of them, they needed you, to remember and let go. Jack: moving on? Where? Christian: Let’s find out. Bullsh!t. Fine, I’ll go with the flow and say they created an afterlife for themselves somehow. But you are telling me that in the afterlife, you don’t retain your memories? Fine, whatever. But I certainly would challenge the “most important part of your life” part. For who? Boone, who spent a couple of days on the island, before getting killed? But these people were on the island. Wait, stop. Penny never stepped foot on the island. She’s inside the church. Well, certainly Richard spend a century and a half on the island. Not there either. Hmmmmm. Jack is still stumbling, bleeding in the jungle. So the hugs start in the church. I guess they’ve either been hugging for a long time waiting for Jack, or just started when Jack enters the room. Either image is disturbing. I’d rather hug a cactus in a swimming pool full of AIDS than hug any of these repugnant sociopaths. The church is a lobby, a waiting place, where a select few random people are permitted to wait until the Guest of Honor appears and then they can leave. Jack is back to where he began in the pilot episode, the bamboo field, the sneaker in the tree he woke up near, So let’s see who is here. Shannon and Sayid. Sayid pined for Nadia for 6 seasons of Lost, married her, saw her die…then there was Elsa, whom he dated for weeks, who he killed and she died in his arms, and Shannon, who he dated for about 3 days, and he is spending eternity with her. I’m sure Boone is thrilled, watching his sister, whom he slept with, in the arms of someone else. Boone is doomed to be alone and jealous for eternity. Libby, kissed Hugo once, and is stuck with him for eternity. No, you do not lose weight when you die. Aaron, a few days old, stuck as a baby for eternity. You don’t age in eternity, right? So Aaron must have died as a baby. Except he is 4 years old in the real world. How the fock do these rules work? Aaron went backwards in time, died, and will be in diapers forever? Where are Michael, Walt, Mr Eko, Miles, Charlotte, Daniel, Eloise, Widmore, Ji Yeon, Dr Arzt, Nikki, Paulo, Richard, Frank, Danielle, Alex, Nadia, Desmond’s kid Charlie, Clementine, Hugo’s mother, Jack’s mother, Ilana, Sawyer’s parents, and on and on? So these people weren’t important on the island, or nobody cared about them? Or what? Why aren’t these people here? Jack only invited a few people to his party? He invited crib death Aaron? And you have to bring a date, as nearly everybody is paired up with somebody. Wait, I didn’t see Helen. Poor Locke, he doesn’t get to bring his love of his life along. And, kids, dogs DO NOT go to heaven. I have seen the proof. They sit down on the pews, Christian strolls to the back of the church behind them, opens the doors, and all you see is bright light. Boooooo. Vincent approaches the dying Jack. Jack watches the Ajira plane fly overhead, minutes before the duct tape unravels and the plane plummets towards the water and kills everybody on board. Vincent lays down by Jack, thinking about how chewy his skull will taste. Especially after peeing on Jack’s stupid corpse head. Jack the attention wh0re closes his eye. Rot in peace. I guess the island didn’t want to heal him. Hahaha.

I thought about doing another article, a series wrapup, but I’m still bitterly disappointed with the ending of the show, so I guess this is it. I wanted to explore the answered questions and what we learned from the show. Unfortunately, there are thousands of unanswered questions and in the end, we learned nothing. This show gave me a lot of enjoyment over the years, but like a dying grandmother, the ending was wheezy, uncomfortable to watch, and reeked of unchanged diapers. Sure, I complain and cuss, but in the end, I still can’t be classy. The End sucked. Thank you for reading these bits of drivel

6.16 What They Died For

2010-06-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts. This is a joke, right? “What they died for?”. Oh, I can think of a better title. How about “Why Does Every Remaining Candidate Suck?” or maybe “Why I’m Glad They’re Dead” or “Is Tricia Tanaka Still Dead?” or “Fee Fi Foe Fum, Why Is Jack So Dumb?”. Another murky, meandering, episode with a couple moments of brilliance. Another excuse to jam 30 minutes of commercials into every episode. And to charge a million dollars an ad for the finale. And to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. Or some other cliché. The journey is near the end. But I have a deepseated fear that the finale will clearly show how pointless Season 6 really was. But this episode had a pulse hear and there, and wasn’t as breathtakingly awful as some of the Season 6 episodes have been. It was yet another set up episode, but by last count we’ve had 37 of them this season, all to set up what I assumed to have been a wildly epic finale, back when my obsession with this show was borderline unhealthy. Now, it’s merely an addiction, like alcohol is for me, being an unfunny, sanctimonious, zero insight assh0le is for John Stewart, and losing is for Cleveland sports teams. I’d like to apologize to myself, as that was uncalled for. So is Betty White’s stupid career resurgence. Hey, lady, crawl into a casket and leave me alone already. I’m tired of your dusty vagina on my screen every day. And another thing, stop with the Sarah McLaughlin animal shelter commercials. You know what I feel when I see a dog or a cat that is dying? That somebody didn’t punch it in the face enough times. I’d like to put out my cigarette in it’s good eye. Oh, I do feel some modicum of joy now and then. Sun is gone. Jacob is gone. Two of the 4 Horseman of the Horrible Characters Apocalypse. Sadly, when I see Jack talking, I just see Ike from South Park, with his skull kind of bobbing up and down on top of this jaw, completely ridiculous. Jack is tragic, in a Roger Ebert face sort of way. And, then there is sassy Kate, challenging Jacob, demanding answers. Kate is a festering mouth sore. She ruins everything. I lost my train of thought. We need to use Betty White’s head as a mop to clean up the Gulf of Mexico.

The Previously On LOST opening featured the death of Jin and Sun, and I have to admit, it’s every bit as funny as the first time it aired. I guess they got PWNED, or in this case, KWNED. There, a joke for you youngsters out there. Remember kids, littering makes you look cool, losing your virginity is an exercise of unsatisfying disappointment, and never, never, never vote. Jack wakes up in what looks like the apartment he lived in back in Season 5, the one where Kate showed up to have pity sex with Jack as she was in tears after giving Aaron back to his rightful owner. Jack has multiple cuts on his neck, like we saw in the first episode of this season as Jack looked into the plane’s bathroom mirror. We get it, it’s another mirror. But more significantly, I hope to all things holy that MIB has slashed Jack’s neck in the other timeline and Jack is bleeding to death. Let see you fix yourself, doc. Or maybe Jack hasn’t figured out how to shave. Or maybe David is trying to kill his father in his sleep. Speaking of Jack’s son, the smug sissy David made breakfast like any 4 year old would for his parents on their birthday. Cereal. I can’t think of a worse thing to eat for breakfast other than crushed glass, a handful of gunk from the bottom of your garbage disposal, or Tang. The best breakfast, of course, comes from a liquor bottle. Don’t mind if I do. Ahhhhhhhhh, burns. I’m disappointed that David couldn’t even attempt to make some burnt toast or maybe scramble up some eggs that have laid around to long and the contents have beaks and feet. That’s not Tabasco on top of over easy. The big night on the town for the dapper DumbDumbs is going to some concert, one that will be attended by the mysteriously missing Jack’s ex-wife. Sigh. It’s going to Juliet, isn’t it? For the love of God, stop smiling at each other. It’s morning. And you, David, are a teenager. Show some respect and act your age. Scowl at Jack, throw a fit, and storm out of the house, turn around, ask for lunch money, then go back to storming out of the house. Claire is indeed living there, and comes out to have some cereal and very awkward conversation. Claire looks like she is about to give birth to a grand piano. A phone call to Jack informs him that his father’s coffin has been found, the cargo located. Which is Jim Fine Dandy, other than it’s Desmond making the call, brazenly not trying to hide his accent. I need to wonder, how does Desmond know that Jack is missing cargo, if Jack only told Locke about it, back at the airport? Back on LOST island, and yes, after the sub sank, they managed to swim to LOST island, Jack is stitching up Kate, a reversal of the Pilot episode, when Kate stitched up Jack. The bullet went all the way through, but we must be careful for the wound to not get infected. Personally, I’m rooting for maggots to start squirming in the hole next episode. I hope that when you just read that last sentence, you had a big mouthful of cereal. Stupid cereal. Yeah, I get the reference. The magical glowing cave, most likely a hideout for a Leprechauns’ pot of gold. And this week, they are chomping away on Lucky Charms. Ooooo, there’s some clever writing. Kate reminisces about Sun and Jin and how they left a baby behind. Way to go, lunkhead. Sayid died. Frank died. But all you care about is making plans to get off the island and steal another baby. Hey, don’t you even think about stealing Skull Baby while poor Claire is abandoned yet again, this time completely by herself on Hydra island. And does anybody really care that Jin never saw Ji Yeon. Sawyer never saw Clementine. Where do you draw the line? Kate has the focus and long term memory of a finch. Kate: Locke did this, we have to kill him. Jack: I know. Everybody else on the planet: How are you fockheads going to do that? How do you kill a homicidal puff of smoke? With positive thoughts? Putting yourselves on a pedestal, believing that somehow you are better than him? MIB is the hero of this show. If I ever kidnap any children, I hope they grow up just like MIB. I wouldn’t trust Jack and Kate to figure out how to make a cheese sandwich if I handed them a loaf of sliced bread and cheese.

Random debris, including life vests, is washing up on shore. Something that Frank and Jin probably could have used, who are debris right about now as well. As Sawyer is watching the tide, Kate wanders up along side and puts her head on his shoulder. Well, that made me sick to my stomach. Sure, earlier that same Tuesday morning I started severely vomiting as I brushed my teeth, partly because I was using the rather obscure Colgate Minty Fresh Dumpster Juice flavor, which was followed by getting the shakes and sweats and going to work to sit through 10 hours worth of hallucinations in meetings. I’m not saying I was seeing things, but the Energized Bunny was thumping on my head with a mallet and I stabbed a director in his ear with a pencil. Which is ridiculous. Who uses pencils nowadays? Jack declares that Sayid told them that Desmond was at the bottom of a well and that they will need him. Not that they want to rescue their buddy and look out for his well being. That they need him. Yeah, this show is about characters and not objectifying them as game pieces. Riiiiiiiiiight. Desmond is sitting, idling in a school parking lot, and I nearly shat my pants in joy that he was going to run over Locke again. How hilarious that would have been. Well, maybe I exaggerated a bit. I didn’t nearly sh!t my pants. I actually did sh!t my pants. And it was lovely. Locke is wearing a purple checkered shirt. There is that color again. Look, I’m not crazy, but how many people do you see in your life that wear purple that aren’t mongoloid dinosaurs or hosts of day time talk shows. I haven’t worn a single thing purple in at least 20 years. I’m a simple man. All my T-shirts are black, my pants are black, my sneakers are black, and my socks are dark gray. See? I’m not so predictable. Ben interrupts Desmond’s zen like trance of concentration with a haughty “Oh, no you don’t” tone that would make Rupaul blush. Alas, Desmond is not here to hurt Locke, which dawned on Ben after a number of knuckle sandwiches to the face. Ben flashes back to when Desmond was punching him in the face on the dock in Season 5 when Ben shot Desmond and tried to kill Penny. Desmond drives off without anybody noticing or caring that Ben was attacked in the wide open. Ben, Miles and Richard are tromping through the jungle. Ben tries to give a lecture about the Barracks to Miles, who lived at the Barracks 30 years ago. Miles get weird, um, gets weirder for a moment, going wonky as he communicates with a dead person. Richard: it’s Alex, I buried her after you left. I bet Richard cupped her breasts too, the creep. This was an obvious plot device to remind the viewer of Ben’s affection for the young child he stole from her mother many years ago. Alex took a bullet to the head by Keamy when Ben didn’t want to come outside and play. Ben shows off his secret room in his old house, one that about 50 people know about. Ben tries out a brand new philosophy. This is where I went to summon the monster, before I realized it was summoning me. Yeah, monster, drugs, cigarettes, Girl Scout cookies. It’s all the same. Personally, I like the onld “Do unto others before they do it to you” and “Never assume, because you only make an ass out of yourself” or “Rock, paper, scissors”. A group decision is made to grab all the C4 so that they can blow the plane to Hell, a location otherwise known as Whole Foods. Hey, there’s Zoe poking around on the kitchen floor, like a rat looking for a scrap of cheese. Charles appears and asks Ben if he can come in. Which is a tad more courteous then Ben showing up in your bedroom in the middle of the night.

Charles decides to pour himself a glass of water. Considering that I don’t think anyone has used the sink for years, I would have recommended running the water a bit instead of settling for a mouthful of cloudy sludge. Charles turns to Ben and says “this swallow of water is my crowning achievement and one swallow is worth more than you would make in a month”. Some other stuff about never being allowed to marry his daughter. Zoe is sent to grab the equipment and sink the canoe. I bet Charles wants to assemble a treadmill. Widmore lectures anybody that will listen that he is their last chance of survival. He claims to have wired the plane, which was not exactly something we needed answered because we had figured that one out a few episodes ago. I’d rather he have mentioned the purge on Hydra island. Widmore boasts that he is always 3 steps ahead of Ben, except for when Ben had him banished from the island and Ben had Sayid kill all of his people and Ben beat him back to the island and Ben found Penny first. Other than that, Charles rules. Ben is curious how Charles came back. CW: Jacob visited me after your people destroyed my freighter, showed me the error of my ways, told me everything for this exact purpose…and before we hear something really super important, we are interrupted by Zoe. MIB is coming. Charles sh!!ts his pants, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, all that bravado disappeared. All the information, all the planning, all the careful detail has boiled down to this shining moment for a Charles Widmore. The pressure is on, you’ve worked your whole life for this one moment of glory. CW: we need to hide. Oooooh. Wrong answer. Ben is being looked after in the nurse’s office at his school. It’s Dr Linus, actually, he corrects the nurse. What an insufferable pr!ck. Nice to have Ben back even for a brief moment. Ben looks into a mirror. Yeah, yeah, another mirror. I hate mirrors now. How has LOST changed my life? No, it’s about an appreciation for serial television programming. I now hate mirrors, tomatoes, and surgeons with the last name of Shepherd. I listed those items in order of intelligence. Locke swings by. Ben explains that he approached the man that ran down Locke, instead of calling the police or getting help, because it’s a good idea for a history teacher with the physique of a mollusk to attempt to apprehend on foot a dangerous criminal with a car. Ben saw something, he didn’t want to hurt you, but you needed to let go, and Ben believed him. More significantly, Ben is walking around with bruises and cuts on his face again, which to him is as comfortable as sitting on a pillow when you have ‘roids. Miles the cop is reminding Sawyer of a benefit as his father’s museum. See, combine that with the concert that David was talking about and the concert Desmond mentions later, it’s hard not to see where this is going next episode. Most of the flashsideways characters are going to meet at the concert at the museum. Don’t forget that Daniel is a musician, so he will bring along his group too. It’s all going to intersect, other than the people in the hospital like Sun and Jin. Desmond turns himself in to the cops, specifically Miles and Sawyer. Sawyer and Desmond are wearing purple shirts. Desmond is placed in the same cell as Sayid, next to Kate’s cell. Well, we can see Desmond’s strategy, but it is odd that he was privy to this information of where to find them right this moment. As Jack and his sad sack group goes to look for Desmond’s well, Sawyer is wrestling with the logic of the bomb detonating on the submarine. Jack tries to bullsh!t Sawyer: I’ve been wrong before. OK, I could spent some time pointing out that Jack is nearly always wrong, but I’d rather just note that he is not just like Jacob, because Jack does know how to lie. S: I killed them. Jack: No, he killed them. Well, Jack is wrong about 5 seconds after saying he can be wrong. Yes, Sawyer killed those people, and that is why Sawyer is the new Hapless Jack. He now has to deal with the guilt of people dying because he was a man of action and not of faith, and did something stupid. Hurley sees young Jacob, who promptly demands the ashes that Hurley picked up in a small sack right after Ilana exploded. The young punk runs off, with Hurley lumbering behind. Hurley runs up to a burning fire, and the grown up Jacob is back. Young Jacob tossed the ashes in the fire, once the ashes burn out, we will never see any Jacob again. Sigh. Finally, some good news. Hurley needs to go find his friends and bring them here, because we are very close to the end and there might be S’mores afterwards.

MIB arrives on LOST island, with Claire nowhere on board the canoe. Well, at least Claire will be able to sustain herself with fish biscuits in the polar bear cages, if she can figure out how they work. MIB notes with amusement the equipment in the canoe that Charles brought over and left behind. Ben doesn’t want to hide like Charles and Zoe plan to. Miles’ plan is to run through the jungle haphazardly, but does take a walkie with him. Will Miles’ simply be a loose end not tied up, or will he be summoned into a trap next week. Will we ever see another Other before the finale. Richard decides that he and MIB are old pals, and they should talk it out. After all, MIB just wants to leave the island with Richard. It’s wonderful how in this moment of panic, 4 separate plans were hatched and executed. Richard goes for a stroll through the Barracks, we hear the smoke noise, Richard is grabbed by the neck, and thrown through the air. It’s unfortunate that we cannot with certainty confirm his death, but based on Ben’s slumped shoulders, I wouldn’t bet against it. I guess MIB was really pissed when Richard changed his mind of joining him after Isabella talked to him. MIB in human form joins Ben on a porch, turning down an offer of a lemonade. What kind of monster is this, turning down a cool beverage after building up a thirst from killing people? I suppose MIB might be diabetic. MIB wants Ben to kill some people for him. Considering how few people remain alive on the island, Ben probably has a good idea of whom he has to kill. But the good news is that Ben is really, really good at killing. In exchange, Ben can have the island all to himself. This is the second time MIB has offered this deal to Ben, the first being when Ben was digging his own grave at gunpoint a few episodes ago. Back then, Ben was confused and looking for a place he belonged, which was with Ilana and Jacob’s team, a really sad situation because it made Ben a whimpering sissy. Now, Ben is given a real chance at redemption, a chance to kill for control of the island, and like a man he accepts. Good for Ben. He is one of the good guys again. I can’t wait until he kills Zac and Emma. Ben: Charles Widmore is hiding in my closet. Nice. Ben is back. It’s like seeing a few minutes of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy episode. Although, who expected Charles would be coming out of a closet. He has kids, afterall. Alex, wearing a purple checkered shirt, sees the injured Ben, calls him the nicest guy ever, and invites him home for dinner. She better hope Keamy won’t be hiding outside her house in the bushes, because then we will see just how Ben is the nicest guy ever. Danielle is Alex’s mother, as was established in the Ben episode many months ago when Alex’s last name was revealed to be Rousseau. Danielle insists Ben come over even if they have to “kidnap” him. What a knee slapper. Danielle looked pretty good; then again, after 16 years in the jungle without a shower, I suppose she would have some bounce in her hair in this timeline. As they are doing the dishes, Ben decides to inappropriately ask about Alex’s father. Danielle explains that he died with Alex was two and she had to shoot him when his gun jammed after escaping the monster. Or something like that. Danielle believes Ben is a father figure to Alex. Ben tears up and nearly leans over to kiss Danielle. This is threatening to become a happy ending for these characters, and that just makes me furious. Back on the island, Ben is hell bent on revenge. The closet door swings open. Ben: Sorry, Charles. Well, what did Charles Widmore expect? His sworn enemy just gave up his hiding spot in about 5 seconds. For such a powerful man, Charles sure is a dummy. So, how did that “war is going to the island” thing work out for you Charles? Hmmm? No fences, no pretenses. I’m Zoe…and her throat gets slashed. Well, that was a quick introduction. MIB: Well, you told her not to talk to me, so that made her pointless. No, her character made Zoe pointless. Zoe had less personality than Skull Baby. So, that takes care of all the new characters introduced in Season 6, and they all sucked ass. MIB wants answers, and if he doesn’t get them, his first act off the island will be to kill Penny. Well, I was rooting for Ben to shoot Penny back in Season 5. so I’m perfectly fine with this plan. MIB promises not to kill her if Charles talks. I suppose this is one of the rules. MIB has to keep his promises. I certainly think he would do it regardless, as he is a man of integrity. Unlike Jacob. Charles brought Desmond to the island as a means of last resort. Charles doesn’t want to finish blabbing until Ben leaves. Another plot device to keep suspense until the finale, as we are to assume that Charles will not tell the whole truth to MIB and he doesn’t want Ben to hear what he is saying because he might ruin the plan. So Charles starts to whisper to MIB. Ben shoots Charles. Ben: he doesn’t get to save his daughter. One of the best lines in LOST history. Ben with a simple yet powerful act and punctuates it with a great tagline. MIB is not only not pissed, but he is impressed with Ben’s unpredictability and ability to amaze him. MIB thinks Charles told him all that he needed to know and no harm done. Fatal flaw right there. Sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads. Ben is feeling the blood lust and asks about killing more people. Ben is the new Sayid, killing people for MIB. Interesting how so many characters can flip flop roles. Hurley brings Jack, Kate, and Sawyer to Jacob, and is no longer needed to translate, which certainly diminishes his value. Kate immediately challenges the self proclaimed King of the Island. K: you wrote the names on the wall, is this why they died, died for nothing? Kate accidently stumbles onto the truth. Jacob: sit down, I’ll tell you what they died for and everything you need to know about protecting this island, one of you will have to start doing it. I remember very well how the Oceanic 6 scoffed and sneered at Locke when he was trying to get them to go back. How much they hated the island. Now, they have to protect it. Also, when Jacob says he will explain all they need to know, you know he isn’t going to say much. It’s the nature of the show. I’ll tell you everything, but nothing at all.

Locke visits Jack’s office. They do some perfunctory uncomfortable small talk until Locke gets to the point of his visit. Locke: we were on the same plane, I was hit by a car and of all the doctors in Los Angeles, you treated me, you want to fix me, the man that ran me down had a message to help me to let go which is what you said, what if all of this is happening for a reason. This is very similar to what Locke has told Jack on the island over the first few seasons. Locke is the old Locke, a man of faith. Jack counters with “you are mistaking coincidence for fate”. Jack is the man of science. Again. Round and round we go. However, Jack has absolutely noticed all these people that he has met since the flight that were on the plane, yet denies his own conclusions. Jack is a stubborn old tomato. Locke now wants the operation from our favorite brain damaged surgeon. Around the campfire, Jacob: I don’t know where to start. Just focking kill me already. We’ve been waiting for important revelations all season, for 6 seasons, and we get “I don’t know where to start.” Start ANYWHERE for fock’s sake. Tick, tock, tick, tock. It’s the end of the show. I bit my arm and I’m bleeding. Jacob: I brought you here because I made a mistake, and because of that there is a very good chance that every one of you and everybody you’ve ever cared about is going to die. Perfect. That is the whole theme to LOST. I’m not kidding. The perfect explanation. I made a mistake and you are all going to pay for it. Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Jacob Sucks Moment of All Tiime. Sure, he told the truth. But he is responsible for a death toll approaching Joseph Stalin numbers. Bodies are piled up all around the island. Oops, my fault, I’m just a silly goose. Jacob: you call him the monster, I’m responsible, I made him that way, he’s been trying to kill me, then someone would have to replace me, that’s why I brought you here. Sawyer: why do I have to be punished for your mistake? Perfect question. I’ve been asking it for months now. And I’m curious as to Jacob’s response. Oh, that’s right. We don’t get one. He simply deflects and shifts blame. Sawyer: I was doing just fine. Jacob: I didn’t pluck you out of a happy existence, you were all flawed, you were like me, all alone, you needed this place as much as I needed you. BULLSH!T!!!! You cannot say all the candidates were struggling. Of course I’ve pointed out how reprehensible the main characters are on the show. #58 Burke. Sister is pregnant. She is breaking ground on fertility experiments. She gets yanked out of her happy life to be held prisoner on an island and die after a couple of years. You simply can’t throw a blanket over all the candidates. What did the members of Rousseau’s team do wrong that they were brought here and killed so quickly? Nice job in answering Sawyer’s question, d!ck. Well, you people are just as bad as me. Where is the free will, the choice that this confused show has been pushing all season? These people had no choice in coming to the island. MIB was right about Jacob manipulating and destroying lives. And even when Jacob has a chance to completely come clean, he still insists on being defensive. It’s my fault, but you people are bad too. What kind of crap is that? Kate: why did you cross out my name? Jacob: you became a mother. WHAT? Wrong. She stole a child. She did not become a mother. Stop trying to build sympathy for the worst character on this show. Be honest. Kate ruins everything. Jacob: it’s just a line of chalk in a cave, the job is yours if you want it. How absolutely enraging. You build up the names and the cave from 12 episodes ago, and then it doesn’t mean anything. 4,8,15,16,23,42, apparently means nothing. The candidates mean nothing. This is a volunteer army. Then why bring Ilana to the island to protect the 6 candidates not crossed off? Why? Ben is a name on the wall. #117. Ilana was ready to kill him. Ben was digging his grave. Why would Ilana kill somebody that might become protector of the island? In fact, Ben, Claire, Miles, Kate are all crossed off names. They are suddenly all candidates again? Jacob is breaking his own rules. You can’t write a TV show and decide the parameters you set up do not matter anymore. You have to follow your own rules, or come up with a damn good reason why they don’t apply anymore. It’s just chalk doesn’t cut the mustard. Infuriating. Absolutely infuriating. Jack: what is the job? It’s called “Workman” where you get to put on coveralls and keep out of the way of the smart people. Jacob: there is a light in the center of the island, don’t let it go out. See, custodian. You have to keep an eye out for a lightbulb. Even though the light went out when you killed your brother. But I guess somebody flipped a light switch, and the light came back on again. Jacob: protect the light from MIB, I couldn’t do it. Jack: and kill MIB if possible? Jacob: I hope so, he will try to kill you. Great. We are witnessing a loser passing the loser baton to a Loser McLoseAlot. Hurley: how do we pick? Jacob: I want you to have choice, what I didn’t have, or this will end badly. Hurley speaks up and chooses a #6 value meal with an orange drink. Jack: I’ll do it, this is why I’m here, what I’m supposed to do. And the last time Jack said this, they were ready to blow up the island.

Jacob leads Jack to the cave. Sawyer: I thought that he had a God Complex before….leaving unfinished yet another truth bomb. Kate plays the role of female radio host perfectly, Oh, James. Now cut that out. Stop having fun and making jokes. This is something serious. Think of the children. Kate ruins EVERYTHING. Hurley is just relieved that he wasn’t the guy chosen. Reality is that Jack jumped on the opportunity without talking it over with his friends. Jack was simply the fastest to ring in the buzzer on Jeopardy, not that he could ever answer a single question in Jeopardy, in such categories as “name your favorite color, there is no wrong answer”, “foods that taste like salt, hint, hint”, and “what is my name, look at your name tag, dummy”. So, after a couple of thousand years, your replacement said “Bingo” first. Jacob tells Jack that the cave is near where he woke up on the island after the Oceanic 815 crash. Jack is carrying a cup around with him, which is odd since all I’ve ever seen the Losties use for water is water bottles. But he conveniently has a cup. Jacob says a prayer, much like Mother did last episode, even though Jacob was nowhere near close enough to hear what she was saying. Jacob blesses the water that he fills the cup with. Jack: how long do I do the job? Jacob: as long as you can. The ritual continues as we saw last week, Jack drinks, blah blah blah, Sawyer Kate Hurley are watching. In jail, they are preparing to ship Kate, Sayid, and Desmond to county lock up, because it is common for men and women to be housed in the same prison location. Kate is trying to talk Sawyer into letting her go. Sawyer: nice knowing you. FACE. In the police van, Desmond decides it’s time to leave. Even though Kate and Sayid think he is crazy, Desmond manages to get them to agree to do him favor in exchange for their freedom. Ana-Lucia is driving by herself which is very odd considering she is transporting a couple of murderers and an attempted murderer. She releases the prisoners in exchange for Hurley’s envelope full stinking cash totaling125 grand. I don’t know if you can stuff that many hundreds into a regular manila envelope, but I guess they are trying to establish Ana-Lucia as a crooked cop. Hurley has a purple shirt. Sayid is still wearing purple. Desmond tells Hurley that Ana-Lucia is not ready yet, a recall to Eloise telling Desmond that he was not ready for the memory restoration a couple of episodes ago. Desmond informs everybody that they are going to a concert, and gives Kate a dress. Let me guess, Geronimo Jackson will be the opening band, Drive Shaft the headliner. MIB is in the jungle with Ben. Ben: why bother walking? MIB: I like to feel my feet on the ground, it reminds me that I was human. And makes traveling 17 times slower. I don’t particularly care for an obvious revelation in awkward dialogue, but it is technically an answer of some type for us on why MIB isn’t smoke all the time. Desmond is missing from the well, as he has used a rope to climb out. Jack? Miles? Others? Rapunzel and her golden hair? MIB: Desmond was a failsafe, Jacob’s last resort to keep me from leaving, I will find Desmond, he will help me do one thing I could not do, destroy the island. Ben: um, remember how you promised me the island a couple of hours ago…

It’s fair to say that I’ve been a tad sour on this season as my exasperation level continues to climb for various reasons. Contradictions, bad acting, terrible dialogue, very few important reveals, lack of focus, a season full of setup episodes for one final shot at glory. The finale is tonight. I sincerely hope that it’s razor sharp so that I won’t think of Season 6 as a complete waste of time and a complete besmirching of the legacy of this show.

6.17 The End Part I

2010-06-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts. This was a poorly written season and finale. LOST was the biggest Ponzi scheme in history. Viewers invested 6 years of devoted interest, and the show never paid off for their trust. I just want to throw my past season DVDs away. What point is there to ever re-watch this show? A show that was so terrific for 5 seasons lived up to my worst fears and never even tried to properly wrap up anything. The complex story lines painted the writers into a corner and they were too afraid or too incompetent to resolve anything. They simply chucked the first 5 to 6 seasons of story into a dumpster and pointed in a new direction, trying to distract you with a box full of new born puppies. The finale was a disgrace to any logical human being. Those who say they loved the ending should send Bernie Madoff a love letter because you are in love with the concept of being a sucker. Nearly every single major plot line was left not only unresolved, but not even mentioned. I’m not talking about the finer details and hundreds and hundreds of unresolved questions, I’m talking about major story lines. But at least the assh0le characters are all dead, so we have that to be thankful for. In fact, this place they created for themselves as flawed unredeemed characters, I’d like to think they are all in great pain and ended up in a bad place. A High School Reunion in Hell, where only the cool kids are apparently allowed to show up. The finale became a cliché. A happy Hollywood ending suckfest. Hey man, like the people man really like Hurley and stuff man and we can’t kill him dude and everybody loves Kate bud so we can’t show her being killed man so let’s make them all immortal somehow dude. May locusts kill the first born child of every LOST writer. Fock it. Not first born. Every dam child. Oh, so you say this show is about characters? You know what else has character? A 5 dollar giant box of wine. And I don’t see too many Hollywood elite drinking that swill. Well, let me explain something to you. Follow the seasons. One, the Losties. Two, the Tailies and Desmond. Three, the Others especially Ben and Juliet. Four, the Freighties and Widmore. Five, Dharma. Six, Jacob MIB and the Temple. Every focking season new characters were introduced to keep things moving and interesting in between what used to be the theme of the show, the whacky island. But this last season, they went back to the beginning, and recycled the same tired characters of Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sayid, Claire. I didn’t care about any of them after their backstories were told. Their stories were done by the middle of Season Two. But to focus the final episodes of your show on those boring slugs was unforgivable. Those characters stunk. No redemption for Locke in the end? None? Seriously? And then MIB, the most endearing character on the show. You let that pig Kate shoot him in the back? I started to rewatch the finale about 2 weeks ago, and it took me this long to get halfway through it. It was just so boring and made me angry. Since I’m halfway there, let’s try to put some of my emotions into typed words, since I’m sure I’m being vague about how I felt about the final installment of show that should have ended at the end of Season 5. You want to talk about emotional? That scene of Juliet falling, and then banging on the bomb….that was fantastic television. Season 6, we get a purgotary LAX timeline that was a complete waste of time. Even Jack’s sissy son is a figment of his imagination. COMPLETE. WASTE. OF. FOCKING. TIME. Everybody hated the flashsideways crap, and it had no payoff. NONE.

We start at the airport in Los Angeles, with a slow motion montage of a coffin being unloaded. It’s Christian Shepherd. Whoop de friggin do. The montage continues with shots of Jack doing paperwork in his doctor’s office, Ben making tea, Locke being taken to surgery, Sawyer looking into a mirror, some gratuitous shots of the same characters on the island, some grass growing, some paint drying, and real time orbit of Pluto going around the sun. Exactly one minute in, I’m bored. I stop the online stream, and come back 4 days later. Fantastic job of not grabbing out attention right off the bat. That’s going to keep people tuned in, especially during the 19 commercial breaks? The coffin is delivered to a church, and Desmond signs for it. Hell, he’s already run over a guy in a wheelchair, so what’s a little mail fraud between friends? Desmond gets into a car with Kate. Of course, if I were behind the wheel at that moment, I’d step on the gas pedal and drive straight into an abutment. Kate has a haughty laugh at the name “Christian”. Yeah, God’s going to let her into heaven or purgatory or whatever. Sure. Kate demands answers since she is enveloped in her self importance. Desmond is acting coy and mysterious. I’m slowly going insane. A vein on the surface of my forehead starts to throb. On the island, the only story line that matters, Sawyer asks Jack what is next. Find the heart of the island, the light, Smokie wants to put it out, the Smoke needs Desmond. Sawyer: Jacob didn’t say anything about anything. Fock, that’s the theme for this whole focking finale. Sawyer volunteers to go get Desmond, but doesn’t leave until he does some flirting with Kate. I just threw up a little in my mouth. No, correction. I just threw up a lot. Heart of the island, huh? So, let’s personify the island, but let’s not explain how and why. Ever.

Hurley brings Sayid to what appears to be the motel where Sayid killed a guy with a dishwasher back in Season 4. Not only did Sayid completely abandon his Iraqi accent for his nasally British one, he just doesn’t seem to care anymore. The zombie stuff hid his disinterest for a while, but he has mentally checked out. Hurley encourages Sayid to stick around, something about trust I guess, I’m barely paying attention right now. A fly currently buzzing through my house is infinitely more compelling. Hurley knocks on a door and starts to grin in a most annoying way when he lays his eyes on his good friend Charlie. He immediately rams his meaty fist into Charlie’s whiskey soaked mouth, and runs around the parking lot yelling “Charlie bit my finger.” Charlie is to perform at a benefit concert with Driveshaft and Daniel Faraday, but is less than excited about it, as would anybody with the gift of hearing. Hurley shoots Charlie in the back with a tranquilizer, a running theme in the show this week I guess, shooting people in the back. Hurley tosses him in the trunk like a sack of wet cats. Jack is trying to explain his motives to the rest of his buddies. J: I took the job because I was supposed to, this island is the only thing in my life that I haven’t ruined. Kate: you haven’t ruined anything. Irony, since I believe I used the phrase “Kate ruins everything” quite a few times in my last writeup. And don’t correct him, Kate. Jack is right. He has ruined everything in his life. Sawyer is caught by Ben at the well. S: I came for Desmond, you want him to destroy the island, we’re not candidates anymore. Sawyer then punches Ben, because Ben’s contract specifically states that he needs to get clobbered at least once every week, and runs off. MIB is a bit befuddled that Sawyer knows his plans, that there is a new protector of the glow stick cave, and that there are dog tracks around the well. Ben complains that MIB wants to sink the island, since Ben was promised to take over once MIB left. Change in plans, as Ben is to leave the island with MIB now. The plan is constantly changing with MIB. Tough break for Ben, since he was eager to kill again for MIB, but now has no carrot at the end of the stick. Rose, Bernard, and Vincent rescued Desmond. Of course this breaks their rule of not getting involved. Rose and Bernard look really old and awful. The island living just doesn’t agree with these folks. They need a vacation. MIB and Ben quickly find the camp, and MIB threatens to kill Rose and Bernard unless Desmond leaves with him. Unfortunately, Rose and Bernard live, along with Vincent, a dog that looks like it’s wheezing and on it’s last legs. Well, a dog on an island probably isn’t getting proper nutrition. Vincent probably gets the Mango squirts every day. MIB makes some kind of promise that doesn’t matter, and away they go. Rose and Bernard story wrapped up when they found each other back in Season Two. At least the writers had the decency to kill Sun and Jin the next episode after their reunion. They’ve kept these bumpkins around for another 4 seasons. Of all the stuff they could have answered, they had to go to Rose and Bernards island existence. Again. I hope when the island got shaky, they fell into a fissure, never to be seen again.

Desmond is limping along with a bamboo stick for support, something that no other character mentions, something never explained, and something that never plays a part in the story line. Lovely. I’m an idiot for paying attention for all these years to the little stuff….anyway, that’s why I’m breezing through the summary now. Desmond explains to MIB that he is taking him to a place with a very bright light. MIB is a bit baffled at how all these characters all know his mysterious plans and the secret of the island, which will never be explained to the viewers. Desmond knows how much, exactly? For a long time, I thought characters knew stuff because the characters were living in loops, repeating in time, but it turned out just to be shoddy writing and witless dialogue. Silly me. Miles is trying to radio for Ben with that walkie talkie he just happened to grab last week. Gee, that’s a stroke of good luck. He has found Richard, and Richard is alive. What a bunch of crap. You can toss Mr Eko around like a ragdoll and he dies. But Richard doesn’t die after being thrown like a spiral across two football fields. And another thing, what happened to the part where Richard told Sun last season, upon seeing a picture of Jack, Hurley and Kate in Dharma in 1977. “I watched them all die”. Well, explain that. Oh, that’s right. It’s some secret we are supposed to figure out, despite it making NO SENSE in the context of this God forsaken show. Anyway, after all that’s happened, Richard has come up with a brand new plan to save the day. “Let’s blow up the plane.” Well, spank my britches and call me Shirley. Miles the cop spots Sayid riding shotgun with Hurley. He calls Sawyer to get him to go to the hospital and protect the only living witness to the murders that Sayid committed, Sun Paik. Which is all well and good, but when you realize you have escaped prisoners, three of them, and they are murderers and attempted murderers, shouldn’t there be a police hunt under way. And maybe Miles should skip the concert? Meh, whatever. This is a poorly written season and poorly written finale. Sun’s baby doctor is Juliet. Well, there’s a non shocker. Since we found out Jack had a kid in this meaningless waste of timeline, we assumed Juliet was the mother of the kid, and now we see her working in the same stupid hospital as Doctor Idiot. Juliet’s last name is Carson, not Burke like the real timeline, and not Shepherd like Jack’s awful last name. Jin is wearing a purple tie. Purple, purple, purple, and never an explanation for all the purple clothing. “The sky turned purple” and that was from season two. That’s it. So, as Juliet uses an ultra sound machine, I have to wonder, doesn’t that machine look kind of old, considering we can now carry around the internet in a tube of lipstick and stop disastrous oil spills in less than 50 days with our best interest at heart government. Oh, that’s right, we can’t. Sun flashes back to the medical hatch, Jin flashes back to the island, they know the kids name, and can speak English. Yet, no acknowledgment that the baby is an orphan or how they died horrifically by suffocating under water. Sawyer runs through the jungle until catching up with Jack, the Invisible Woman, and The Thing. Jack is not worried. They are all going to the same place, and then it ends. Hopefully the world. I don’t want to live in a world where Jack has power. Well, Jacob had a bad first day on the job, and I guess Jacob and Jack are now the same. Given that your one most important responsibility is to protect some mystical cave, nobody seems to be able to get the hang of this duty right away. Jack and Locke joke around in the hallway before surgery, guffawing about missing coffins, Locke dying, and finding closure. Miles and Richard are at the dock preparing to paddle over to the Hydra when Miles in a very metrosexual yet even more uncomfortable way plucks a gray hair from Richard’s head. Men do not groom each other. They ridicule, they punch each other in the face, then have a beer afterwards. Then don’t talk about window treatments and eyelashes. Richard has now realized that he wants to live. Well, stupid, Jacob is dead, so I guess you aren’t immortal anymore. So, Jacob tricked you when he gave you the ability to not die. It was simply not die while Jacob was alive. You fool. And NOW you want to live. As Dorian Gray and Miles paddle across, and we never saw who shot at Locke and Sawyer and Juliet during the time travel boat trip, they start to hit corpses from the sub. Some of them rotting, some of them looking like they fell out of Cheech and Chong movie. Frank is alive. So, the unconscious pilot sank to the bottom of the ocean, woke up at some point, didn’t have an oxygen tank, fought off the water pressure, surfaced, and held onto life jackets for about 24 hours without the sharks with Dharma symbols nibbling on his toes. Terrible writing. Frank says why blow up the plane when they can fly off the island? Richard immediately agrees, after 4 days of being obsessed with blowing up a plane, he changes his mind after a 3 second conversation with Frank. Swell. Frank reminds everybody that he’s a pilot, never mind that he’s been wearing a pilot’s shirt for the whole season. There is nobody in the audience that forgot you are a pilot Frank. That is the only thing you bring to the show. To remind us you are a pilot, every focking week, you stupid fock. Jack and MIB’s respective groups bump into each other in the jungle. Kate grabs a rifle and starts to shoot at MIB, while Desmond and even Ben are merely a couple of feet away, in danger of getting hit in the cross fire. Jack really needs to slap Kate across the face and tell her to shut up and sit down. MIB scoffs. He examines Jack. So, it’s you. Jack: I volunteered, you think you will destroy this island, I’m going to kill you and it will be a surprise. Alrighty, Maximus. Jack is talking a big game, and has a brain like a frozen pea to back it up. How can anyone take him seriously? Reality is that MIB destroyed some of the island, Jack didn’t kill MIB, MIB actually killed Jack, and it was a surprise to Jack to die. Other than that, spot on.

Well, they reveal that Juliet is Jack’s ex-wife. And I’m annoyed that Juliet would have married a pumpkinhead, but at least had the good sense to divorce him. Still, I don’t know how realistic it is for ex-spouses to pretend to be such good friends. It rarely happens. Juliet is supposed to go with Jack and David to the ridiculous museum benefit concert, but Jack has to wash his hair, so he’s out. Was that really an excuse back in ancient times, the 1960’s, when girls said they didn’t want to go out on a date because they needed to stay in on a Saturday night and wash their hair. With what, molasses? How long does it take to get water on hair and let it dry? Half and hour? And is this something only happening once a week? So, for 6 days, you watch a girl walking around with oily, gnarled hair, and one day it’s nice and clean and shiny, she doesn’t leave the house? Was everybody dating girls that looked like Claire? Jack can’t go, so Claire is the candidate to replace him. Get it? Candidate. Sawyer shows up at the hospital. On the island Sawyer asks Jack about his plan. Jack: Desmond is a weapon, and I’m going to use him to hit MIB in the head. Sawyer: that’s a hell of a long con by Jacob. I’m going insane at a slightly faster pace. I want to glue forks to my kitchen floor, sticking up, and repeatedly fall on them. Jack, MIB, and Desmond head to the cave, leaving the other folks behind. Why? I don’t focking know. Storm clouds are gathering. I used to think rain meant something on this show, but it’s focking random. Locke and Boone found the hatch when it was raining, a good thing. Mr Eko died when it was sunny. The Black Rock arrived on the island when it was both rainy and sunny, depending on which episode you watched. At the cave where a yellow sign blinks “Vacancies”, they tie a rope around a tree and the other around Desmond, as they mean to lower the tree into the cave, then change their mind, and want to lower Desmond into the cave. Desmond makes a last ditch attempt to talk to Jack: This doesn’t matter, the destroying each other and the island, I’m going to go someplace else, to be with the ones that we love, you are there too Jack, the plane never crashed. Poor, sad Desmond. What he doesn’t realize is that you have to be dead to be in that other place. So, instead of living life to the fullest and then trying to enjoy the afterlife, Desmond is unwittingly trying to talk Jack into suicide. How morbid. OK, that’s a bit whimsical and amusing. Jack: there are no shortcuts, whatever happened, happened, all of this matter. What the fock is he talking about? I rewound that several times, listened to Jack say that over and over, and now my head hurts. All of this matters? You will die and end up in Candyland. The End. What matters is when the last season of Dexter comes out on DVD, because I need to wash the stench of this season of LOST off, and watch something good. They enter the cave.

Hurley explains to Sayid that they have to follow the rules. What, there are rules in an imaginary existence? So, what are they? Oh, that’s right. Rules are never explained to us in this show. Ben and Widmore had rules. MIB had rules. Jacob had rules. Mother had rules. Richard showed a Book of Laws to young Locke. Juliet was branded at a trial in Dharmaville. No truck parking between 6 PM and 6AM. You can only wash your hair on Saturdays. Rules, rules, rules. We were simply never told what the rules were. Hurley: you are a great guy Sayid. Other than the people you tortured. And assassinated on Ben’s list. And shot a teenage Ben. And killed Keamy and his friends. And twisted the head off a chicken. And shot and killed one of the true loves of his life, Elsa. And killed Dogen and Lennon in the Temple. And stuck bamboo shoots under Sawyer’s fingernails. But he is a swell guy because Hugo the purple dinosaur says so. A fight breaks out at the side of a bar, a girl tries to stick her nose into the middle of it, and rightfully gets tossed into a pile of leaky garbage bags. Sayid is a man of action, and not wanting to see garbage bags treated so rudely, jumps out of the vehicle and runs to interfere. Sayid assists the girl up and sees that it is Shannon. Instead of remembering all the happy times he spent with Nadia, the woman he practically traded his soul for with the MIB, Sayid recalls the happy 3 days he and Shannon had on the LOST island, by far the shortest and most meaningless tryst Sayid has ever had in his life. So, Hurley’s big plan was for Boone to get beat up, Sayid to rescue Shannon, and live happily ever after while Nadia is in some plane of existence, screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, watching Sayid and Shannon kissing, standing in garbage, brushing stale beer, cigarette butts, and rotting fruit out of each other’s hair. They stink and I don’t like them. Did everybody forget how Shannon slept with her brother. Sick twisted focks. Miles radioes Ben. They are on the Hydra island. However, the person never invited to any parties, Claire shows up with a gun. Richard tries to talk her into leaving with them, basically the same manipulation MIB and Kate and Jin and others have laid on her recently. Claire simply turns them down and walks away. I’m not sure if I’d go anywhere with that collection of creeps, the guy that doesn’t age, the guy that talks to corpses, and the guy that never buttons his shirt. Desmond is lowered into the cave as MIB reminisces with Jack about Desmond and the hatch and the pushing of the button. After many years of Jack treating Locke like a joke, he now takes reverently about him, which is too bad because Locke is dead and can’t hear any of it. Jack: you are not John Locke, he was right about almost everything. MIB: he wasn’t right about anything. Here’s a tip. How about you tell us what he was right/not right about, and let us judge? How about not keeping us in the dark about what you are arguing about? Was it that John liked tea? John liked to whittle? John enjoying moon lit strolls on a sandy beach? That John had to die? That John felt banana leaves were good to wipe with after a hearty morning jungle dump?

David, Claire, and Juliet arrive at the concert at the museum. Juliet gets called away to wash her hair. Charlie is woken up on a couch backstage by Charlotte. Daniel, wearing the world’s most awful hat, introduces himself to Charlotte. No matter how many planes of existence Daniel enters, the skeletal Charlotte still won’t give him the time of day. Over at Table 23, Desmond and Kate are greeted by Claire and David. Kate looks more perplexed than usual. Dr Pierre Chang, looking younger than his son Miles, introduces Daniel Faraday and Drive Shaft. Somebody needs to fire the booking agent of Drive Shaft. What an awful gig to get roped into. A classical concert pianist with a rock band. Hell, it didn’t work for Metallica and some symphony orchestra, so it’s never going to work for anybody. I’d rather listen to 3 hours of a jackhammer pounding a street. I’d rather watch somebody chewing aluminum foil with their mouth open for 3 hours. I’d rather listen to Ben Folds Five. Claire sees the heroin junkie bassist giving her the evil eye stare, or maybe that’s just Charlie’s eye liner, feels sick, and skedaddles. Kate follows. She needs to start planning on how to steal the baby, and can’t let Claire out of her sight. Desmond reaches the bottom of the cave. There are a number of skeletons all around. How did Charlotte get down here? You would think they would actually care enough to tell us about the skeletons. Probably more people shoved into the cave by Jacob over the years, willy nilly. Like a Slip and Slide. A light is emanating form a pool of water, giving off a faint hum, reminiscent of the electro magnetism in the Swan hatch. I like to think of it as the place where the island farts. Desmond steps into the water, screams because he must have stepped on a jelly fish, can’t find anybody around to pee on his leg, walks up to a stone cork, and takes the drain out of the pool. Gurgle. The water fall stops. The light goes out. Steam starts to rise from the hole in the pool, like the start of a volcanic eruption, or what your toaster oven looks like when you are trying to make a really crunchy bagel. Now, we also saw the light go out when the Smoke monster emerged after Jacob threw his brother in, but we were not told when the light went back on, or why it went out then. How did his brother get all the way to the water, as Desmond had to travel a short distance to get there? Of course, we don’t know why the Smoke monster was created, why and how it scans people, why it judges, why it allows some to live and some to die, and how it can take the shapes of the living and dead, and why it wants to leave the island and can’t now when in past seasons it’s been off the island. Anyway, the hero MIB turns to the villain Jack, and tells him you were wrong. Jack cowardly tackles MIB from behind outside the cave punches it in the face. MIB is bleeding. J: you were wrong too. Well, the island being destroyed vs a cut lip. Um, not the same kind of wrong. But clearly, Desmond turned off a switch on the island, and MIB is mortal, as is Jack. The island isn’t working anymore. I guess at this moment, Rose’s cancer came back. Much like Mother would have, MIB picks up a rock and whacks Jack in the head. Unlike Mother, MIB does not have the common sense to kill Jack, finish him off. MIB’s flaw is his heroic nature and compassion.

As Claire is attracting a crowd backstage, Eloise creeps up and sits down next to Desmond. Eloise, a woman that knew a great many things in the real timeline, and we will never know how and why. Eloise: I asked you to stop. Desmond: I chose to ignore you. Desmond informs that once “they” know, they are leaving, but he will not be taking Daniel away from his mother. Eloise is acting very selfishly, trying to manipulate the afterlife of Daniel just so she can spend some time with her son. I’m troubled by Desmond saying they are leaving, but they are leaving people behind. AnaLucia wasn’t “ready yet”, so does that mean she can never “leave”. Desmond is a colostomy bag full of smaller colostomy bags full of colostomy stuff. Claire is having the fastest contradictions in the history of ever. Within 2 minutes, she goes from enjoying some shitty music to ready to spit out her deformed kid. I suppose I could make a Sara Palin joke here, but that just wouldn’t be classy. So I’ll just continue to wish AIDS on the children, pets, and furniture of Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof. Charlie stops by, then runs off to find a towel. As Douglas Adams has taught us all, Don’t panic and always bring a towel. They try to recreate the birth scene in the jungle from Season One, where Claire and Kate give birth to Aaron. Well, not so much Kate, but Claire is the one that passed that big headed kid out of her baby maker, probably cursing her with a hernia forever. Kate, Claire, and Charlie have a flash threesome, then look around for cigarettes. I’d like to know when Claire is supposed to get on that helicopter with Aaron; after all, that is why Charlie died, to get them rescued on that helicopter, the one which Claire never boarded. It never happened. Sure, I throw in an occasional unanswered questions, but the writers started it first. Kate to Desmond: now what? The island is shaking like a glass of scotch in a drunken Michael J Fox’s hands. A tree falls in the woods, and it apparently makes a sound as Ben pushed Hugo out of the way. Instead, Ben is clobbered and pinned by the tree. Jack wakes up, it’s raining pretty hard. The big plan right now is to run into the cave and yell for Desmond. Crickets. Plan 2, pull on the rope. Nothing at the end of it. Crickets. Jack tries to think. Crickets. The rest of the gang can’t lift the trunk of the tree off Ben, no doubt pinned forever, so they will have to leave him to die. Or not. But he is pinned and they make sure to point out that they can’t move the tree even a little bit, even with leverage. Sawyer: Locke was right. Miles radios in that they are taking the plane and will be leaving in an hour. Kate responds with “when was the last time any plane took off on time” or something. The whole island is still shaking like a baby that just won’t shut up and is in the grip of a frustrated babysitter, as is Hydra island. Why would the shakes affect the other island? Frank and Richard are using scotch tape, glue, spit, Legos, and grey hairs to piece a wrecked plane together, something that has no business flying. Ben explains to Sawyer, Kate, Hurley gang that MIB has a boat. Of course he does. This is the 17th boat we’ve seen this season on the island. Everybody is hiding a boat. Vincent has a different yacht for every day of the week. Jack catches up with MIB and yells at him. Both get running starts and head towards each other with clenched fists. I guess this is as good of a spot as any to stop Part One, 55 minutes done of 105, Soon, I will finish off the tale of MIB’s wrongful death, the terrible choices in the church, and the sheer idiocy of Hurley ruling the world. Hurley couldn’t manage a chicken shack, or did we all forget Tricia Tanaka already?

6.15 Across The Sea

2010-05-16T18:03:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. “This” is what they were planning for six seasons? THIS? Doomed. Motherfocking doomed. It’s over. I want to apologize to the X-Files. For years, I swore up and down that it was the greatest TV show ever. Then LOST came along, and was terrific until Juliet bludgeoned a hydrogen bomb with a rock. Since that moment, LOST has been a tremendous disappointment to me and a growing number of restless and increasingly frustrated fans that I communicate with. So, once again, X-Files is the greatest show of all time, while LOST is probably good enough for Top 3. I suppose this is an example of the universe course correcting. Executive producers Lindelof and Cuse have been doing tons of press over the last few days. They must have been anticipating doing a victory lap for the show and upcoming finale. Instead, they are being put on the defensive by largely poor reviews of Across The Sea. They’ve gone so far as to criticize fans for being negative. Apparently, they just want to answer the questions relevant to the main characters of the show, the Losties, and all other mysteries will be ignored. A show largely built upon mysteries will not deal with answering many of those mysteries. Unbelievable. You can try to sell the show as being about the characters at this late hour, but honestly, does anybody give a sh!t about these characters that are left? For the most part, all of the characters were and remain morally reprehensible people and I can’t think of any that have changed for the better, if they are even still alive. This island is Lord of the Flies. The best characters on the show for me were Smoke Monster, Locke, Ben, Mr Eko, Juliet, Desmond, Keamy. Smoke doesn’t seem as cool anymore, even though Terry O’Quinn is doing some great acting. Ben’s character has been dreadful since he stabbed Jacob. Juliet is dead. Mr Eko is dead. Desmond has barely been a part of the show the last 2 seasons. Keamy dead. Jack? Kate? Hurley? Don’t care. Don’t care. Don’t care. Jacob? Jacob can cram it up his cram hole. Fock Jacob. I swear on all things holy, Jacob looks about as bright as a veal waiting for an axe to take of its corn fed head. There is deep undercurrent of stupidity between Jacob’s ears. Not only have I been a charter member of Team MIB from the beginning, I’ve been bashing Jacob almost every week. And I feel very vindicated. The only morally pure character on this show is probably MIB, who has been built up to be the villain. And don’t give me Hurley. Hurley is responsible for many deaths. The deck that collapsed. Tricia Tanaka hit by a meteor. And her cameraman. What a bizarre corner the writers have painted themselves into. MIB is actually the hero, a week after they claimed that MIB was pure evil for hiding a bomb in Jack’s backpack. Unfortunately, I am a man of attention to detail. I spend time analyzing and picking apart a show I care quite a bit about. This show has either gotten lazy and sloppy in writing, filming, presenting details, or indeed this show is a cut and paste of different scenes from various time loops, and I don’t think the writers are that smart. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. My expectations for the show this season were probably unrealistic. I wanted explanations to some of the great all encompassing mysteries of the show. That’s not asking for a lot, is it? Instead, we get episodes based on Hurley getting a kiss and MIB sitting on a log while whittling. So much wasted time. They can’t find time to answer who shot at Sawyer and the gang while time traveling in the boat because the scripts are just jam packed with scenes of Jack staring out at the ocean and giving speeches about the destiny of tomatoes. Paddle from one island to the other island and back. Repeat. Much to my surprise, I recently googled the title of the blog where these write-ups call home “Lost…his mind” and noted that some of the writeups pop up in the top 20 of 172 million entries for that sequence of words. I suppose that some folks must be reading this crap that I type week after grueling week. Maybe as many as a dozen. I wish I could say something classy, tasteful, and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be my style. I’m narcissistic, delusional, angry, and have borderline sociopathic tendencies. At least that’s what my kindergarten teacher said. While these are great adjectives to describe myself in a craigslist ad, I must defend myself and add that I would never kill anybody until at least the third time I met them because I’m a gentleman. With the exception of Oprah, who needs to beaten to death with a sock full of scorpions as soon as I can find a sock without a hole. So let’s buckle up and try to review this stupid, illogical, steaming pile of crap. Not the writeup, I mean the episode. Well, maybe I mean both. Want to fight about it?

As best as we can tell, about 2000 years ago, a person is seen floating in the water off the shore of LOST island. It’s not Jin, not Rousseau, not Frank, and it’s not screaming for Walt. Rather, it’s some woman dressed in Roman style clothing, having just attended a frat party at Animal House was just left outside the front door of town mayor’s house. I wish they would have explained how the boat she was on was destroyed, but I bet it was for singing some folk song about cherries on a staircase and Brother Bluto was not amused. She washes up on the beach and wakes up with a mouth full of sand, which in the southern United States they call grits. She is pregnant, much like Claire was when she arrived on the island, but is not so lucky to have a heroin addict to cater to her every whim. The woman finds a creek and takes time to wash the icky out of her mouth. Someone suddenly appears over her reflection in the creek, much like Smokie was sneaking up on Mr Eko in Season 3 in the episode where Eko gets a sound thrashing. A woman speaking Latin offers assistance. Good thing she wasn’t speaking Latino or else she would be the focus of a partisan political tug of war. The shipwrecked woman’s name is Claudia. But her friends call her Claudia. Claudia asks the woman, from now on I’ll call her Mother, questions such as how did you get here. “I got here by accident” It is strange how people seem to be brought to the island…oh, who cares. We didn’t learn much of anything from this opening scene. It was just boring crap. Mother was guarded with her responses with crappity crap like “Every question I answer will lead to another question” which is pretty much a snarky comment to fans of the show to stop expecting to learn much in the final episodes. Because I need another 43 minutes wasted on Jack trying to convince Locke to have a surgery. Mother says that if there are other people on the island, she will find them, again exhibiting a property associated with Smoke Monster, as he seems to be pretty quick in finding new people on the island. Black Rock, the French team, the Losties. Mother seems to have Smokie properties all throughout the episode, purging, judging, manipulating. Claudia goes into labor and pops out two kids as if she was in a watermelon spitting contest. The first is named Jacob. The second one is a surprise, so Claudia doesn’t have another name ready. This may or may not be the reason Mother goes a little nuts, but she picks up a rock and caves in the skull of Claudia. There were many, many blows to the head as Mother gurgled with primal rage. Or what I call a great first date. Mother was polite enough to say “I’m sorry” before the whacking, so you have to be impressed with her sparking manners if not her charming howls of rage.

So, about 13 years later, MIB finds an Egyptian game called Senet buried in the sand of a beach. I’d like to see the entire Senate buried up to the their necks in the sand just as the tide starts to roll in. A young Jacob, the same kid that MIB has been seeing on the island in present time, agrees to play the game with MIB. MIB claims he just knows the rules somehow. Either that or he is making them up as he goes along. I don’t think Jacob wins at this game all that often. MIB is the carnie, Jacob is the rube. Jacob is instructed to not tell Mother about the game. Back at their cave home, Jacob arrives to see Mother weaving on her loom. Not satisfied with Jacob’s response to what have you been doing, Mother pulls out the “do you love me?” card, and Jacob confesses everything. There is no doubt that a Norman Bates personality is bubbling under the skin of Jacob. A momma’s boy, a sad sack, unable to face his mother, crumbling at the first sign of disapproval, an unhealthy emotional relationship, and a constant need for attention. Jacob is somebody in a horror movie that you root for to lose his head somewhere along the way. Mother goes to confront MIB at the beach. During the course of the conversation, Mother notes that Jacob does not know how to lie. I can’t fathom the inability to lie short of having a mental defect. Well, it is Jacob after all. Mother thinks MIB is special. Compared to Jacob, a soiled baby diaper. As this episode progresses, you can now see why Jack is the guy to take over for Jacob. You have to be an idiot to be the guardian. Mother starts to instill a curiosity in MIB. Mother: there is nothing across the sea, the island is all there is. Well I can see why she didn’t get the job with the travel agency. She can’t explain where her mother is, because she is dead. MIB: what’s dead? Evangeline Lilly’s career in about 3 episodes. Mother: something you will never have to worry about. I wonder how much of the future Mother can see and if she knows MIB will be transformed into Smokie in about 30 years. Young MIB and Jacob chase a boar through the jungle. They are just in time to see other people kill the same boar. They run to tell Mother. Mother: they do not belong here, we are here for a reason. Well, somebody lives in a gated community. Sniff. A conflicted Mother blindfolds Jacob and MIB and leads them into the jungle. In the past, with the absence of piñatas on the island, Mother has strung up a boar for the boys to hit with sticks while blindfolded. The winner knocks the guts out of the rotting carcass. Mother was never actually all that much fun. Mother: all men are dangerous, they come, they fight, they destroy, they corrupt, it always ends the same. Sure, in divorce court. Also, these are words that MIB said to Jacob during the Season 5 finale. Mother: I’ve made it so you can never hurt each other. Actually, the statement ended up being completely wrong on every level. Sure, you could argue that MIB can’t kill Jacob directly, and needed Ben to stab Jacob. But this rule certainly did not apply to this episode as we progress. They arrive at a cave of bright yellow light, as if someone was hiding a gleaming pot of gold inside. The Leprechaun Cave. Whatever was inside the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. A place where Hurley can microwave Hot Pockets. Mother: don’t go in there, but inside is the warmest, brightest light you’ve ever seen or felt. Well, if you don’t want anybody going inside, why give them incentive? Hey, son, you see this wall socket? Well, take this fork and do not, I really mean it, do not stick it in there. You come back in 5 minutes and your child’s hair is on fire. Great. Now let’s go tell your sister. And how would you know how the light feels if you didn’t go inside and feel it? It’s like saying sex is like warm apple pie, but you may not be so inclined to take somebody’s word for it. Which only leads to problems in the supermarket’s dessert aisle. Mother: a little bit of light is inside everybody. What the fock? First of all, this is the negatively charged exotic matter that Dr Chang talked about in the Orientation film that Locke watched in the Orchid hatch as Ben was preparing to move the island. That matter is what bends time and space, the mystery property on the island. Something that is theorized to be part of wormhole construction. It does not exist on this planet. It could be radioactive. But it’s the light that is inside everybody. Bullfockingshit. Inside all of us? I’ve taken lots of dumps in my lifetime, and believe me, none of it ever glowed and only some of them felt warm. Man is always wanting a little more of the light. I can think of 700 things off the top of my head that I would want more than a magical night light, and that includes a nicely cooked piece of fish. Well, I suppose this is the Widmore explanation. He has seen the light, craves more, and has a map of some of the electro magnetic locations around the island. So, I guess that completes the Widmore story arc and he is probably going to be killed soon. Of course, we won’t get more information on Widmore and solve any of his mysteries. He’ll just suddenly die. I wonder if Desmond is back in the will? If the light goes out here, it goes out everywhere. When did LOST become an Aesop fable? When will we see the Gingerbread House hatch and Gumdrop Falls? Mother: I’ve protected this place, but I can’t do it forever. So, even though you can be practically immortal on the island, at some point you get so friggin’ bored with your life that you have to find some unwilling dupe and make them take over for you. Again, Jack is a perfect patsy. I’m coming around on this whole Village Idiot Protector of the Island. Mother: it will have to be one of you. Well, I don’t see a whole lot of other options here.

MIB and Jacob are playing their Egyptian game. It stands to reason that Egyptians were on the island, built the Temple and statue and other stuff, but we are not going to get any information on that era I suppose. MIB: you have to follow the rules, one day you can make up your own game and everybody will have to follow yours. Pretty telling summation of what is happening on the island right now. Jacob made up a set of rules, like MIB can’t harm the candidates, MIB and Jacob cannot kill each other, MIB can’t leave the island, etc. and MIB needs to follow the rules while trying to win. The endgame was to find a way off the island, which includes killing Jacob and all of the candidates. MIB sees Claudia, but Jacob cannot. MIB follows. Claudia: I’m dead. MIB surprisingly didn’t say “I don’t know what that means.” I want to show you where you came from. Instead of lifting up her skirt, she leads him to a village on the island, built by the survivors of Claudia’s shipwreck. Claudia: there are many things across the sea. War, famine, the plague, stadiums full of spectators watching Russell Crowe fight lions, and did I mention the plague? Sounds dreamy. It seems like a number of things are playing up the idea of leaving the island to MIB. Is this really the spirit of MIB’s mother, or a manifestation of Smokie, buried in the microwave cave, trying to manipulate in order to find a means of escape. Smokie could be using the image of somebody that has died. Claudia: she is not your mother. It’s a man, baby. MIB returns home, packs, and looks to sneak out in the middle of the night. He brings Jacob along. MIB explains that they are going to the people, Mother lied, and that Jacob is probably too stupid to understand. Jacob loses his temper, attacks MIB, and beats him silly. I guess MIB is the brains, Jacob is the muscle. Mother pulls Jacob off the bloodied MIB. MIB: I’m going home, you killed my mother, we don’t belong here. All valid points. Jacob is crying. Insert yet another comparison to Jack here. Given a choice this time, Jacob decides to stay with the crazy woman that killed his mother. Mother: you will never be able to leave this island. MIB: I’m going to prove you wrong. MIB leaves. So the main motivation for MIB all these years later is to simply prove his mother wrong. So, for Jacob, it’s to beat his brother in a game caused by Mother, and for MIB, it’s to prove his mother wrong. Well, that’s been worth all the blood shed over the years. At the beach, Mother confesses to Jacob that she did indeed murder his mother and she wants to talk to a lawyer. Jacob demands that she return all those Mother’s Day gifts he’s given her. Mother: these people are bad, I needed you to stay good. Veal. Jacob is a calf being fed just before slaughter. Jacob: why do you love him more than me? Jacob has accepted that he is not the superstar that MIB is. But you need to notice the statement “I needed you to stay good.” Not for Jacob, not for the island, but because she needed a pure soul to take over for her as guardian of the light. Mother needed a Scooby Doo, and Jacob is just the right fit. It’s for selfish reasons. Mother: I love you in different ways. Well, that must sting a bit. She didn’t say I love you just as much. No, she decided to say “in different ways”. If Mother starred in Sophie’s Choice, they wouldn’t even finish the question before Jacob’s suitcase is packed. Mother is frustrated that she is stuck with Jacob, and Jacob decides he will stay with her. Two undigested peanuts in the same lump of sh!t.

Thankfully, we don’t have to deal with the child actors anymore, as they simply sucked. Geez, the acting this whole episode was just really bad. Grownup Jacob takes a break from weaving to go find MIB and play their game outside the village. It’s kind of sad to see Jacob standing in the wide open, observing the digging of the well, as this is the saddest attempt in the history of ever at being inconspicuous. He is standing behind a tree that can’t be more than 2 inches thick. Is he even trying to hide a bit. Jacob is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. He has a vacant far away look to him, as if he is constantly thinking about what pudding tastes like. MIB confirms that Mother was right about these men. Jacob is only looking from above and he really doesn’t see them for who they are. They are greedy, manipulative, untrustworthy, selfish. I draw a parallel to Jacob’s candidates. I bet he thinks they seem OK at first glance through a telescope. Then he brings them to the island to test them. That’s when we get a good look at their true nature. Shannon was a candidate. I rest my case. But it’s a means to an end for MIB, as he just wants to leave the island. MIB throws a knife that changes direction in midair and gets pulled against the well wall. The knife was not made in Australia. The village is full of smart men, people who are interested in how things work, who have discovered places all over the island where metal behaves strangely, they dug. This is the speech MIB gave to Desmond before tossing him into the well. It is also a cyclical event, as Dharma was essentially doing the same thing on the island. Jacob still doesn’t want to leave with MIB. When Jacob returns to his home, Mother is shaving her legs. I’m not kidding. Look at that scene again. Considering Jacob is very likely a virgin, this is probably the most skin he has seen of a woman. Other than when Mother asks him to pop her back zits. Jacob yet again can’t keep his mouth shut, and blabs to Mother that MIB is going to leave the island. Mother goes to the well and climbs down. MIB is alone, stoking a fire, getting ready to put some ribs down on the grill. MIB hears a sound, pulls out the Roman knife that Dogen gave Sayid, and is ready to stab somebody. Sure, this is paranoid as fock. You are in a well. The only people who have ever been down here are members of your village. Why are you ready to kill one of them for sneaking up behind you? Isn’t that extremely odd? So, how are you? I see that your legs are looking fabulous. MIB spent the last 30 years walking every inch of the island without ever finding the planetarium laser light show cave featuring the music of Pink Floyd. I hate Pink Floyd. So, much like the Lighthouse, certain objects appear on the island only when they want or need to be found. MIB decided to look for the back door instead. The men of the village have some interesting ideas what to do with the light. This is of great concern to Mother, the guardian of the light. MIB pries a small rock away from the well wall to reveal the bright light. I have to wonder, how exactly did the cave end up icy and frozen when Ben entered to turn the frozen donkey wheel, but right now it’s dank and hot. MIB shows the wheel they mean to attach to a system they built that will channel the water and allow them to leave the island. Mother: how do you know it will work? MIB: I’m special. FACE. Mother gives MIB a goodbye hug, has the good manners to apologize, then bash his head into a rock wall as she screams. All MIB wanted was a hug from his faux mother, and she tries to kill him.

Mother wakes up Jacob. She explains that she had to say goodbye to his brother. She leads Jacob back to the Muse stage show cave. Jacob is now to protect the light. Mother: it is life, death, rebirth, it’s the heart of the island. Two things. Rebirth? So, when people die, they aren’t dead, but move along to another timeline? The word really bothers me. Still, there is a cyclical nature to this show, so it would be nice to see an explanation. And remember when Locke described his first encounter with the monster back in Season 1? “I looked into the eye of this island, and what I saw... was beautiful.” Did Locke see this light? Mother: just never go down there, it would be worse than dying. Here is a fork. She brings out a wine bottle, says some kind of prayer or chant or the lyrics to a Justin Bieber song, and offers Jacob a drink. Jacob is to accept the responsibility of protecting this place as long as he can, then find his replacement. Jacob doesn’t want to do it. Mother: somebody has to, my time is over. So, no one is apparently immortal after all. I wonder how long you have to serve your term when elected, 2000 years or so? Jacob sulks and points out the Mother wanted it to be MIB and that she is stuck with Jacob. Mother is getting desperate now. Mother: it was always supposed to be you, I see that now. Jacob is right, she really has no other option. Jacob is the only single girl left in the bar, and it’s closing time; if you squint enough, you can hardly notice the huge goiter on her neck and unibrow. Mother: you don’t have a choice. Strong, strong statement here. We’ve been lead to believe that there is an element of free will to this show. Look at that again. You don’t have a choice. Jacob is forced into a role he doesn’t want. Seemingly, he is like MIB in trying to prove mother wrong, but his quest is free will while MIB is leaving. Fine, but Jacob is not going to drink any focking Merlot. Jacob reluctantly drinks. Mother: now we are the same. Yeah, kool aid drinkers at Jonestown. MIB wakes up outside the well, which is completely filled in with dirt. The world’s largest flower pot. He follows the black smoke in the sky, reminiscent of the smoke from Season 1 by Rousseau, and finds the village completely purged, people smashed and dead. Did Mother turn into a Smoke monster? How else do you get about 50 people to stand still while to beat each one to death and then pick up a shovel and fill up a well? Even worse, MIB’s precious Senet game is found charred in the ruins. Hey, you can go ahead and kill all my friends, but don’t mess with Egyptian Monopoly. MIB is in anguish and quickly fills up with rage and hate. MIB has been screwed over.

Jacob is sent to gather firewood. Mother returns to her home, which has been ransacked. She picks up the charred Senet game from the ground, opens it, palms a white and a black game piece. It’s not so much white is good and black is bad, but the white and black simply signify a game. Much like chess, there are two sides, two players, neither is good and neither is evil. It’s a game of Who Did Mother Love More? MIB stabs her from behind. Well, LOST clearly doesn’t have enough crying, so MIB tears up. Why wouldn’t you let me leave? Mother: because I love you. Now if you just hand me that rock, it’s just out of my reach, I want to show you exactly how much I love you. Mother thanks MIB with her dying breath. I suppose he put her out of her misery. MIB told Kate that his mother was crazy. He failed to mention that he was not referring to his birth mother. Jacob walks in, sizes up the situation, and like some big dumb animal attacks MIB. After a beating and ignoring anything MIB has to say about the purge, Jacob leads/drags him to the magical mystery cave. Jacob states that he has to protect it now. Well, genius, if you are to protect it, why did you bring somebody here the first day on the job? Jacob knocks MIB unconscious and allows him to drift into the cave and the reverse waterfall which sucks him down into it’s depths. The light goes out and a roaring Smoke Monster emerges and steams off into the jungle. So, Jacob has just screwed up everything he was to protect, but hey it’s his first day, so what can you do? Jacob goes to wash his hands and finds the corpse of his brother along the riverside. Jacob cries yet again and hugs the body. So, MIB managed to live his whole life without a name as far as we know. Well, that’s just not good enough. This is a man, and he has a name: Robert Paulson. He's dead now because of the island. Do you understand that? His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. Remember when Mother said: I’ve made it so you can never hurt each other. Well, Jacob managed to beat up his brother several times and just murdered him. So how did that rule work out? Jacob lays the corpses of Mother and MIB inside the caves from Season 1. They replayed the scene of Jack and Kate and Locke finding the skeletal remains and finding the white and black rocks and calling them Adam and Eve. Unfortunately, they left out the part where Jack called the bodies 40 or 50 years old. So, Jack was off by about 2000 years. Jacob: goodbye, brother. Swell, but you didn’t say goodbye to Mother.

What did we learn? Free will is an illusion. We don’t know why Smokie has the powers that he does. MIB was right about the candidates being puppets of Jacob, being brought to the island by a lifetime of manipulation. The rules are whatever Jacob wants them to be; he decided to create the Others in mid game. Watching this episode made me grind my teeth down to the gums. Jacob was breast feeding until 43. Actually, what did that woman feed those kids the first few years on the island with no formula nor baby food around? Who finished building the donkey wheel? When MIB went off the island to appear to Jack in the hospital in Season 4, did this break the rules? When MIB went off the island to appear to Michael on the freighter, did this break the rules? But I thought he could not leave the island? When MIB appeared to Locke as Walt, did this break the rules? The Richard episode had a big build up and delivered. This episode had a big build up and fizzled. Going into the final hours of the show, we have zero momentum.

I need to do a really quick turnaround with the next edition, between Tuesday and Sunday. Well, until then, may the worst of your todays be the best of your tomorrows

6.14 The Candidate

2010-05-10T09:58:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. Does it say in Jack’s contract that he has to cry every single episode? I am finally coming to grips that one of my favorite LOST characters is most likely gone and we will never see them again. I shed a few tears. Why, oh cruel world, why must you take Skull Baby away from us? Sure, it looks like a bit like a McRib that has been left out in the sun too long. Kate looks like a cross between Rocky Dennis, an orangutan, and my foot. I don’t hear anybody complaining about her misshapen head disgracing my TV screen week after week. Will I ever be happy unless I take a soaking bath in Kate’s blood? Were Jin and Sun the most tragic set of lovers since Romeo and Juliet, that kid in the movie with the apple pie, or possibly Donnie and Marie? Or are Jin and Sun just tragically bad actors? 3 more episodes to go, and I am tired. I just don’t experience any anticipation for Tuesdays, and it’s diminishing by the week. Let’s try out another whacky theory, since figuring out how this show ends is what got us watching to begin with. What is MIB’s discovery of a loophole triggered Jacob’s loophole? What if the two timelines merge, Locke overpowers MIB for control of his persona, and becomes in charge of MIB. But Jacob and the island have selected Locke to be the next Jacob at the same time, since MIB was the one who crossed out Locke’s name, not Jacob. So then Locke becomes MIB and Jacob. Never being able to leave the island since the Jacob role prevents that. Jacob traps MIB in his own trap. After all, MIB has been p!ssing all over Locke’s reputation all season. You would think Locke lands punches back somehow. Or not.

So, about 5 weeks ago, I posted this nugget on a site that I frequent and often hash out LOST. It was a comment about the anticipation for the episode The Package. The fact that the sub blew up and Jin and Sun died during the same episode at the same time, I just have to pat myself on the back

QUOTE(Lackman @ Mar 30 2010, 08:38 AM)
Dear Man In Black:
Please kill Sun. Jin is OK, but I don't want to see him moping the last few episodes, so kill him too. Thanks in advance.
Sincerely yours,
Everybody that watches LOST.
******************************
I suppose I could do a drinking game tonight, a shot for every time Sun says "Jin" and every time Jin says "Sun". I might not wake up until Friday. Hey, we might get some more of The Keamy in a flash, so it might not be all bad. Just mostly bad.
The Package. To me, this is a reference to Jin's delivery of Mr Paik's gift to a client at the airport and ensuing trouble. But much like Recon, there needs to be a double meaning for the island story. Considering that MIB is confronting an enemy, but it's too early for a Jacob showdown, let's say MIB goes to confront Widmore. With a package. Blow up the sub again? It sure follows with the repetition angle that is occurring with more frequency. And focks up Sawyer's plans.
I am dreading watching this dreck. Jin? Have you seen Jin?

John Locke wakes up in a hospital bed and finds Jack hovering over him like the Angel of Death. I realize that it’s a hospital full of sick people, but I think it’s quaint that Jack has nothing better to do than watch patients sleep and fight the urge to pop pills. Jack explains to John that they were on the same plane a few days ago, and that while he was sleeping, they took the liberty of removing his genitals and donating them to a good cause. They are filming Uncle Buck 2, and America’s Sweetheart and dead ringer for John Candy, Chastity Bono needed a bulge in her pants to pull off the role. Jack also looked at John’s spine X-rays, shuffled through his mail, and answered all his phone messages because a doctor can never be too invasive. Jack wants John to try a new procedure that might make him walk again. He mutters the “I can fix you” line he used on his ex-wife in the operating room before he fixed her, Season 2. John says “No” and seemingly starts to look for his bed pan. Hey, you wake up from a nap at his age, and see if you don’t need to go wee wee. Helen arrives and is happy to see John alive. She gives a Jack a halfhearted hug, since she was kind of hoping to cash in on an insurance policy. Jack wakes up on an outrigger canoe, and starts to look for a bedpan. Sayid informs him that they are on Hydra Island. The characters are openly calling it Hydra Island, yet we still have no name for the main island. Dumb. Widmore’s followers are relocating the pylons. Sawyer and the rest of the sailboat crew are ordered to go inside the polar bear cages. Sawyer briefly disarms a rather doughy Widmore acolyte, but Charles pops out of nowhere with a gun pointed at Kate’s head. Widmore has a list of names, but Miss Austin is not on it. It does not matter to him if she lives of dies. Kate pleads to James not to listen to him. Well, believe me, it matters. Kate must die. She says “don’t listen”. Do you mean to ignore the part where he called you useless, or the part where he called your life meaningless? Sawyer surrenders. Dumb. Widmore implores his minions to hurry up in powering up the pylons, because “he’s coming”. I guess we now know that when you move the pylons, they don’t work for at least an hour, sort of like they just had dinner and aren’t allowed to go swimming. Odd.

Bernard is back. Which is great. I mean, you could bring back some interesting characters to the LAX timeline, like Ana-Lucia or Juliet or Walt or Mr Eko. But, nah. Let’s bring back a guy with the personality of a mushroom and the brain power to match. When Bernard gets an idea, a tiny little Christmas light appears over the top of his head. Bernard is busy sculpting a pair of choppers that nobody would be wearing unless your name was George Washington. Jack drops by for a visit and explains that he wants to see John Locke’s file. Between Miles snooping on Sawyer’s personal interests and Jack sticking his nose into Locke’s, I have to wonder when Homeland Security took over script approval. Locke had some kind of emergency oral surgery three years prior. I can’t imagine having Bernard working on my teeth. His procedures are most likely right out of the pages of the Flintstones, using hammers, chisels, and dental floss tied to a tooth and the other end wrapped around a door knob. Bernard: we were on the same flight, you were flirting with my wife. First of all, Bernard delivered these lines like a creep. I couldn’t tell if he was serious, ironic, sarcastic, or, or, or if he enjoys putting somebody’s mouth on a curb and kicking the back of their head. Secondly, um, Rose might have been something back in the day, which is roughly a week before somebody discovered electricity. But Jack hitting on Rose is mindreeling. Bernard: Of course I remember. Bernard remembers Anthony Cooper’s name, seems to know Jack intimately, as do most of Bernard’s patients after they get gassed, lose their memory for a while, and wake up with their underwear on backwards Bernard is a ghoul.

From LAX Part One
Tables are turned, as Rose is now spending time comforting Jack during the turbulence. Actually, Rose and Bernard spent the whole LAX flight being a bit too snarky, smirky, and generally too suspicious for my taste. They know something, their memories may be stronger than Doctor Doofus.

Sayid explains the mortar attack to Jack, slowly, as if he is speaking to a man with a 5 year old intelligence level. MIB saved Jack, and the Others that survived the attack scattered into the jungle. Well, so much for not leaving anyone behind. Maybe of these Others will take pity on Skull Baby and make sure it is given the proper care it deserves. MIB wants to rescue Jack’s friends because Widmore’s intentions are not good. Holy crap. How dense do you have to be to realize that MIB is giving no logical reasons for his actions. Jack: they are not my people, and I am not leaving the island. Well, way to talk behind your friend’s back, and if you didn’t notice, you aren’t standing on the island right now. You’re on the Hydra island, dummy. So, call me crazy, but you might want to consider simple logic before you speak. MIB needs Jack’s help to win over the Losties trust. Jack: why should I trust you. MIB: Because I can kill you right here and all of your friends and you can’t stop me. Well, honey, vinegar, flies. MIB, our hero in this show, must be feeling the frustration. He goes to all the trouble of manipulating hundreds of people on an island, disposes of the only problem person in Locke, since he is the only person that would not want to leave the island, and here is another troublemaker in Jack suddenly wanting to take Locke’s baton and run with it. And even though Smokie could stomp a mudhole into Jack and walk it dry, he can’t touch him because of the “rules”. MIB has my sympathy. When you are surrounded by idiots, what are you to do? Back at the cages, Sawyer remarks that it feels like they’ve been running around in circles. Gee, ya think? Well, technically, you folks have been standing around in the jungle for a couple of months of episodes, whittling and sipping cocoa. Then, you start a victory tour around the island, making sure to visit all the old haunts. Hydra island, the cages, the plane, the docks, and finally back to LOST island to rescue Desmond. Did anyone actually for a second think the ultimate finale was going to take place on Hydra island? Duh. Sawyer tells Kate that her name was crossed out on the cave wall. Kate is as useless as an air freshener lying in puddle of puke. Jin tells Sun that he has seen pictures of their daughter and that if he didn’t know any better, she looked a lot like an orphan. Jin is given his ring back. Unbeknownst to Jin, he is now tasked with the burden of returning the ring that will rule them all in Middle Earth to Mordor, and the disfigured and wretched Sunollum will be his guide through the bosom of peril. The pylons power down, and the familiar rattling and whooting is heard. Even after all this time, the appearance of the Smoke Monster still gives me a happy feeling in my pants. Smokie kicks the crap out of some Widmore goons, one landing close to the cages. Rather than allow someone with normal sized human arms to reach for the keys of the dead guy laying there, Kate with her stubby alligator arms reaches about 6 inches outside the bars. Much like not helping Juliet when she was about to plunge to her eventual death in the Swan shaft, Kate proves yet again just how useless she is. Remember how a nearly dead Naomi jumped out of a tree and clobbered Kate? Or how she got captured by the Others and was traded for guns. Or when she slept with Sawyer and for the next month Sawyer felt great pain every time he tried to piss? So, Kate is of no help. Frank mentally eats a can of spinach and tries to kick down the door of the cage. I wanted nothing more than to see the cage door fly open, rebound, and hit Frank full force right in his face. Jack shows up, unlocks the door, and gives the gang sign for “I’m with Smokie”.

Well, they leave the cages at night time, so of course walking half a mile to the plane puts them in daylight and plenty of sunshine. Um, the night and day switches are just ridiculous now. Jack tells Kate he is not meant to leave the island. Kate tells Jack that despite all appearances, she is not a background character wearing a rubber mask on a sequel to Planet of the Apes. Sayid joins the Stand By Me cool kids walking the tracks. It is revealed that Sayid turned off the generators, allowing MIB to attack. Jack continues to ignore all manner of decency and drops by a nursing home to find the mysterious Anthony Cooper. Helen drops by, is surprised to see Jack, is cordial, but firmly asks Jack to leave. Helen: you saved John’s life, isn’t that enough? Jack: It isn’t. Jack is a selfish pr!ck. This guy is obsessed with performing an operation that a patient doesn’t want. I want to pick up a phone and turn him in to the Health Care police. They walk into a dining area full of old people eating pudding. I guess you are what you eat, since most of these folks have heads full of pudding. Just look at ‘ole Tapioca Head, Anthony Cooper. Just sitting in a wheelchair, drooling, eyes a million miles away, probably having the same thoughts as your typical rutabaga. This guy swindled Sawyer’s parents since Sawyer still has the letter in this timeline. I guess James isn’t much of a detective if he can’t find this lump. I wonder what he will use to kill him as revenge. Beating him to death with bedroom slippers? Giving him 3 aspirins instead of 2? Unplugging the breathing machine? MIB attacks the guards at the plane; it’s remarkable how you stand there shooting bullet after bullet at MIB from a distance of 5 feet, and never hit him once until your neck ends up broken. But at least you remember to wear a wristwatch to an island where time and space doesn’t matter, because MIB is more than willing to take it off your limp wrist. MIB climbs up the intricate jungle ramp and quickly finds the crude bomb that is plugged into the airplane’s electrical system. The Losties arrive at the plane, and Frank is excited to see his baby again. MIB pops out to have a chat. Seems like Widmore moved the pylons to begin with so that the plane was available to be boarded. Widmore set the bomb. Which reminds me, if the pylons were powered down, why didn’t Smokie go try kill Widmore and Zoe once and for all? So, the plane was a trap. MIB: he wanted us at the same place at the same time, a confined space, no getting out of, then killing us. Of course, this is important foreshadowing as to what MIB is planning himself. MIB shows the 4 bricks of C4 he recovered from the bomb. MIB: the plane is not safe. Why? You just found the bomb. How many bombs do you think Widmore put on there? If anything, Hurley, Frank, Sun, and Jack should have been worried about Richard, Ben, and Miles blowing up the plane. Yet, those guys never showed up. I guess they are building a raft to get to this island. The next plan is the sub. Claire apologizes for going with Sawyer’s group, and MIB reassures her. Sawyer hatches another intricate plan with Jack, since the last one worked out so well. “Push him in the water.” That could be the tag line of the worst horror movie ever made. An escaped sociopath escapes the mental ward, visits municipal swimming pools, sneaks up behind children at the edge of the water, and then pushed them in. He then turns, gives a little “Tee-hee” and scampers away. Can’t be any worse than Furry Vengeance.

Locke is talking in his sleep as Jack continues to stalk, obsess, and hover around his bed. Locke is talking in his sleep. “Push the button”, a reference to the Swan hatch in Season 2. “I wish you have believed me”, a reference to the suicide note Locke wrote to Jack from Season 5. “Hey, Freddie Krueger, how’s it hanging?” Claire shows up at the hospital looking for Jack. It must really be important, because Claire is disrupting a person she barely knows at his work location. Jack is so moved by this gesture, that he buys an Apollo candy bar and proceeds not to eat it. Am I watching Twin Peaks or something? None of this makes sense. Ilana gave Claire a box. I sure hope there is something inside that box, or won’t Claire sure feel silly. Jack explains that his father drank himself to death outside a bar in Sydney. OK, so that remains the same in this timeline. However, the whole reason for the Sydney trip was for Christian to go visit his daughter Claire, who claims they never met. Jack makes another connection to the flight Oceanic 815 because Claire was aboard too. At this point, no matter how stupid this moron is, he has to start making the connections of people he has met from the plane. John, Desmond, Claire, Bernard. Claire is wearing a purple shirt, so I’m still hung up on that color. It has to mean something. Jack and Claire look into the mirror of the music box, there’s that mirror angle again, and the box plays “Catch A Falling Star” which is what Claire was singing at the Temple earlier this season, which is what Claire said her father sang to her when she was young, back during Season One. Jack invites Claire to stay at his house because she is family. Definitely not a chiseler looking to take a bite out of Jack’s hard earned inheritance. No way. Well, Sawyer is the new Jack, a big pile of crap. He takes charge on the dock near the submarine, because all of his plans over the last few episodes have failed, so why not try another. Like I said, the new Jack. Well, Sawyer, Sun, Frank, and Jin quickly swarm the sub and get the captain to start it up. MIB gives Jack a backpack and asks him to reconsider the whole staying on the island nonsense. But you can’t teach this old stubborn tomato new tricks. Jack: John Locke told me to stay. When Jack threw that in MIB’s face, I wanted our hero, MIB, to punch Jack in his ungrateful face. I know the whole “you can’t kill them part”, but how about some deep bruising and some light maiming? Jack needs a beating. And then Jack pushes MIB off the dock. Tee-hee. Just at that moment, Kate is shot. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Halleluiah. Shot in the shoulder. What? Does that even count as an injury? Can’t anybody put a bullet in her skull? Come on, you bunch of sissy scientists who are clearly four-eyed and crosseyed. Jack decides not to take cover, but stroll along the quasi boardwalk firing his handgun, and nobody is coming close to popping him with a bullet. I’ve never seen somebody so indestructible and yet cry all the time. Is somebody dissolving estrogen in his water bottles? MIB climbs back onto the dock, unscathed, a bit wet, and pissed. Well, that whole “push him in the water” thing worked perfectly. MIB is pretty good with a gun, killing people left and right. All aboard, as Sawyer shuts the sub lid shut, leaving Claire and MIB on the dock. Claire left behind for the 3rd time by this bunch of mooks. If I’m Claire, I go chopping with an axe next time I see any of them. MIB gives her a reverse hug, reassuring her that she doesn’t want to be on that sub. The creepy thing was how MIB was holding her, pulling her shirt nearly off, and coming close to cupping her boobs. In the last 3 years, you just know they’ve had sex. I mean, Skull Baby must have had a father, right? I just hate to think about the scars left behind when Claire delivered that bag of bones. On the sub, the group project is Kate’s wound, and they find the C4 in Jack’s backpack. Jack: we did exactly what he wanted. Yeah, and for all of your convictions, you’re leaving the island too, stupid. Why get on in the first place? How about another speech about how you are never leaving the island which you haven’t set foot on for 2 days? First Locke prevents Jack from leaving the island by sub. Now, MIB prevents Jack from staying on the island by sub. If I see another 5 dollar foot long commercial, I’m going to find the nearest autistic child and punch them in the stomach.

Well, the time is ticking on the bomb. Frank is told to get the sub to the surface faster than a juicy fart in a bathtub. Unfortunately, it will take 5 minutes, and the bomb has less than 4 minutes to go. Jack is perplexed by the complexity of the math problem. 5 goes into 4 and carry the decimal and something something green. Sawyer wants to defuse the bomb, never mind that whole freighter stuff that happened not too long ago. Defusing stuff is a learning curve. Maybe you get the first couple wrong, but eventually it has to get easy. Jack has a moment of clarity, and actually figured out some stuff. Like an blind acorn finding an acorn. Some people use blind squirrel in that metaphor, but I’d like to think a blind squirrel could outwit Jack. An acorn? Too close to call. Jack: nothing is going to happen, Locke can’t kill us, Locke can’t leave the island unless we are all dead, what if he is not allowed to kill us, but is trying to get us to kill each other. Jack is absolutely right. So go ahead and copy and paste that last sentence for posterity. It will never allow myself to type it again. Jack is absolutely ri…Jack is absolutely rrrrr….Jack is absolutely less likely to complete a crossword puzzle than Anthony Cooper. Sawyer doesn’t trust Jack and is embracing his role as Man of Action and Little Results. I suppose his hostility towards Jack is traceable to Juliet’s death and Jack’s track record about what a bomb can or can’t do. Sawyer takes out some wires, nothing, then the timer speeds up. Oh, I am just rubbing my hands in happy anticipation. This looks promising. Sayid realizes this is his chance to go out with a bang, so he hurriedly confesses some stuff. Desmond is in a well on the main island and they need his help since MIB wanted him dead. “It’s going to be you, Jack”. This sure seems like Sayid is saying Jack is going to be the one to replace Jacob, much to my utter horror and disappointment. Sayid grabs the bomb and runs off to the other side of the sub. Now, it’s interesting to speculate whether Jack was right. Would the bomb have simply fizzled like the dynamite at the Black Rock. Maybe Jack remains unhurt, and everybody else dies? Sawyer resetting the bomb probably put everybody in peril, since it was now Sawyer’s action that was the catalyst for the bomb. Maybe it doesn’t explode because Jack is standing there. Maybe Sayid taking the bomb away from the future Jacob’s vicinity triggered the explosion. Anyway you look at it, Hurley will be picking pieces of Sayid off his shirt for the next few weeks. Sayid is dead. He was an OK character, seemingly badass at time in killing people, but he sure wasn’t smart as the Others and Rousseau and Dharma kept capturing him on the island over and over again. I think I liked Sayid’s character mostly when he was Ben’s hired killer. That was some good stuff. Explosion, and water starts to fill the sub. Now, considering the pressurized sub leaking, and the water pressure surrounding the submarine, you would think the sub would be crushed like an empty soda can. But let’s just throw physics out the window and concentrate on the relationships of the characters. Yuck. Frank goes to see what the problem is, and gets smacked by a door, no doubt a relative of the door Frank was kicking earlier. Live by the door, die by the door. Actually, rewatching that scene, I find no evidence that Frank is dead. The collision wasn’t that bad. He was just knocked out. And probably drowned because nobody, absolutely nobody asked “Where’s Frank?” or “Have you seen Frank?” as all hell broke loose. Just goes to show how much you mean to other people when you are about to die, and nobody gives a sh!t. Frank was a….well, let’s face it. Frank was a creep. Sun is pinned by a cabinet, possibly Davy Jones’ Locker, and I start to smile. I see where this is headed. Hurley swims out with Kate, with one of two oxygen tanks and a trail of blood from a wound that sure would look inviting for sharks with Dharma symbols that swim around the island. Leave Kate, take the cannoli. Sawyer is knocked out by falling debris as the Unlucky Lottery continues. The guys did pull the cabinet away from Sun, but she is still held in place by some random metal stuff. Jack swims out with Sawyer and the last oxygen tank, Jin stays with Sun. Well, the selfish thing is to take your own life, drown along side with your wife, and leave your child an orphan. Sun agrees that this is the best course of action for Jin, since she has ruined his life, she wants to watch him die because there is no way she would want to see him happy in living away from her evil clutches. Jin is so preoccupied with not leaving Sun, that he never stops to think that maybe using his legs as leverage against the wall might work better than merely yanking with only his arms to free Sun. Even sadder, Jin is finally reunited with his wife after 3 lonely years in Dharma without the benefit of internet adult entertainment, and now gets to die without one last roll in the hay. They spend their dying moment speaking mostly English, an oddity considering that they are friggin’ Korean. What, you afraid that the sad moment will be ruined with subtitles? We get a shot of two floating dead hands, and I say it’s about time. Did you know that the body generally releases it’s bowels at the time of death. Good thing we didn’t see other floater’s in that final underwater casket. Jin was an OK character, a d!ck during the early parts of Season 1, but became a decent character over time. He is someone that got a lot of screen time, and you never quite noticed him. Wallpaper. Sun was a spoiled rich girl who destroyed Jin’s life before the island, tried to shoot Ben for a crime he didn’t commit, tried to strong arm Widmore, ruined her father’s company, spent 5 seasons digging a stupid garden which yielded one tomato and spent the last 2 seasons saying “Have you seen Jin?” Sun is easily one the worst characters on the show and we should all be breathing a sigh of relief that she is mercifully dead. The island was done with her, about 5 seasons after I was.

Locke gets wheeled through a hospital hallway, which reminded me of Abaddon wheeling Locke and then telling him to go on a walkabout, the episode where Locke was thrown out the window by his father. Jin passes him, carrying flowers. Jack approaches. This needs to be said. This is such a terrible flashsideways. What have we learned? Locke’s father is a vegetable and Jack is in love with Locke. Sheesh. Jack explains that he visited Cooper. Locke is mortified. Three years ago, there was a plane crash, Locke had a private plane license, his father was a passenger, he can’t remember what went wrong, he ruined his father’s life. Well, Jack ruined his father’s life by tattling on his drinking and surgering, but I don’t see Jack losing sleep over it. In fact, Locke had barely time to finish the story when Jack jumped in and turned the conversation towards himself, because it’s always about Jack. Jack swaggers through life like he is performing a one man play and the world is his stage. My daddy is dead too. Whatever happened, happened. Well, that’s about the 38th time somebody has said that phrase this season. Jack: letting go is not easy. Unless you are hanging in shaft at the Swan site. But what kind of new age psycho babble is this? Letting go is not easy. Hey, sometimes you have to hang on to your memories and self pity like grim death. If Locke doesn’t want to take happy pills or have surgery to fix his legs, so be it. Desmond is trying to kill him for a reason. Stop trying to fix him, you stupid fock. Locke tries to leave, but Jack still won’t let the issue die. Jack: I can help you, I wish you believed me. Great. Jack is repeating the Locke stuff from the suicide note. What a completely unnecessary horse sh!t scene between Locke and Jack. Useless. Nothing to gain from it, except 5 minutes that could have been spent clearing up island mysteries. Stop jerking us around. Fock. Great, you killed some characters. And it still felt like nothing happened. On the beach at night, because it took 12 hours to swim to shore apparently, and I’m not entirely sure which beach and which island they washed up on. Kate is so overwhelmed by Hugo’s heroism, she does not take a second to say thank you but hurries to go hug Jack. Sawyer is still breathing. Hurley, Kate, and Jack have a group cry, and I’m disgusted. Jack walks over to the water, looks up at sky, and grimaces. And cries. For no discernable reason. Why can’t a flock of seagulsl with and very, very upset stomachs fly by right now? Meanwhile, Claire is hanging out with MIB. Claire is playing the role of sounding board for MIB. We know what his plans are because he explains what he is thinking to Claire. Well, the sub sank, but not all of them are dead. MIB walks off, but seems to have abandoned Claire. Claire is starting to think that she needs to start breaking some feet to keep people from leaving her. “What's the matter? WHAT'S THE MATTER? I will tell you "what's the matter!" I go out of my way for you! I do everything to try and make you happy. I feed you, I clean you, I dress you, and what thanks do I get? "Oh, you bought the wrong paper, Claire, I can't write on this paper, Claire!" Well, I'll get your stupid paper but you just better start showing me a little appreciation around here, Mr. MAN! YOU! YOU DIRTY BIRD, HOW COULD YOU!”

Well, another episode in the books, and I continue plod along. The show is extremely watchable, still entertaining, but no longer legendary. It’s hard to come up with a brilliant final season for any TV show, and that is why it is never successfully pulled off. So, we have a couple of episodes to go, before LOST weekend. The journey has been mostly enjoyable, but it’s coming to an end. Not the way I wanted it to go out. Like how the last third of each season builds to a crescendo. This one has all the explosiveness as a bottle rocket soaking in a puddle of Jack’s tears.

6.13 The Last Recruit

2010-04-29T10:47:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. Since we have a rerun episode this week, I didn’t exactly feel like I had a set deadline with this waste of my and your time of a stupid write-up. Unfortunately, I’m still recovering from illnesses and whatnot. You would thing that over the years one might build up a tolerance to mace much as my liver has to anything I imbibe, but alas, it is not so. Even at death’s door, I took part in the glorious 3 days of decadence, the triathalon of turpitude, shunning the Ten Commandment, breaking 12 of the seven deadly sins (since I may have broken some of them more than once). Yes, the NFL draft descended upon the world like a swarm of locusts, and it was a blur of grilling, boozing, updating spreadsheets, brawling, nose bleeds, buggery, getting into a staring contest with a fish, and cutting off the head of Gwyneth Paltrow, not that she’ll miss it or have it affect her career. Cleaning up Sunday morning, I noticed detailed notes on a business venture of a pizza pie place that delivers to anywhere a traveling vehicle may go. It was called Car-Pie Diem. I can’t remember if I stole the idea from somewhere, or if I’m simply a genius. You know that creepy kid we’ve been seeing this season. Yeah, I need to be more specific. The kid on the island that keeps appearing to MIB, among others. I don’t know why, but it sent my mind into my thought archives, and the kid reminds of other scenarios of other shows I’ve seen in the past. Such as on X-Files, after Mulder and Scully became part time participants, there was one episode where a kid was able to conjure up images out of his mind when he was upset, like putting live crab creatures into somebody’s stomach. There was another episode, where Michael Emerson, we know him as Ben, was able to conjure up a whole world of the Brady Bunch sitcom inside his house. And then there was an Amazing Story episode/movie, where a kid was able to imagine anything at all, and was able to trap tourists at his home with his mind manifestations. I wonder if that kid is somehow controlling the game in his mind, setting the rules. He is the puppetmaster, pulling the strings of Jacob and MIB. After all, don’t we seem to learn every season that there is yet another group or person controlling everything at the end of every season? Another layer to the show. Here is another brain buster. What if the show actually ended at the end of Season 5. God, I hope so. This season we are seeing TWO dual timelines, what would have happened if the show doesn’t end with Juliet detonating the bomb, and none of this Season 6 disappointment is actually happening. Please, please, please, let this be so. LOST was mediocre again, showing how hard it is to give a great ending to a great story. They are struggling. Not that the episode was total crap. It was transitional/filler, but lacked humor, anything all that surprising, and worst of all reunited Sun and Jin. But let’s review the episode and see what we can see.

At Camp MIB, MIB asks for an audience with Jack in the jungle. Jack actually checked with Hurley if it was OK. This was more of a transitional moment, where Jack is asking Hurley if it’s OK to take over as leader again. In the clearing, there are two rocks to sit on, but Jack chooses to stand and then squat. Hemorrhoids are a drag, especially when you have seen no evidence of Dharma toilet paper on the island, ever, and you have to wipe your ass with banana leaves. I bet Hugo has to tie some leaves to the end of a stick just to reach far enough. If I was on the island, I’d never leave the Barracks just for the toilets alone. Although, every time you flush, does it summon the Smoke Monster? Does it send a warm stream of water up your ass to cleanse like in some continental locations? J: I have no idea what the hell you are. Jack also doesn’t know to mash a potato, as he always forgets to cook it first. MIB is pissing all over the memory of John Locke. MIB: he was stupid enough to believe he was brought here for a reason, it got him killed. When you digest that sentence, it has a double meaning. Didn’t Jack declare in Season 5 and again this season that they were brought to the island for a reason, it was their destiny. So, the MIB is essentially telling Jack he is as wrong as Locke was. MIB explains that Locke had to be dead before MIB could look like him. Um, so we are ignoring MIB appearing as Walt, polar bear, spiders, boars, an ugly bird, black horse, and possibly Harper Ah, whatever. Jack wants to know if MIB was really Christian when Jack was chasing something back in Season One. I am still having some computer issues, and I’ve lost my patience and some of my archives on my machine, so I’m not going to search through all my past nonsense. On a nearly weekly basis, I have questioned the logic of MIB being capable of being in two places at once, and that he has traveled over water before. I know I’ve referenced that MIB appeared as Christian to Jack because the group needed water. MIB: you needed to find water. But, this does not make sense. Isn’t MIB’s goal to kill everybody, especially candidates on the island. Does anyone believe that he wants to load up a plane with people, somehow get in into the air with no extended runway, no ability to turn it into a hydro plane, no idea of fuel, no windshield, and God knows how many packets of peanuts are left. What, MIB is going to turn into smoke, twist himself into a catapult and fling the plane into the air, and somehow hold on as they shoot through atmosphere? MIB is going to kill them. Even if it’s indirectly, he could have let them die of dehydration and saved himself a lot of trouble. Instead, MIB chose to keep the candidates alive. Brutal lack of logic. MIB: I’ve been trying to help you leave, but because Jacob chose you, you were trapped before you ever arrived. This is an indictment of Jacob’s free will approach to existence, pointing out a major flaw. The candidates didn’t choose to come to the island, but were forced to come. I still can’t accept Jacob as anything but a douchecanoe. MIB explains that they all have to leave together. He’s not just a monster. This is the new and improved Socialist Smoke Monster. Jack laments that Locke was the only believer in this place. MIB: Locke was a sucker. A classic villain blunder, badmouthing a hero before the movie is over. Bring in the frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads. Locke is on a stretcher in an ambulance, Ben is along for the ride. The bad news is that John won’t walk again. The good news is that he was already paralyzed. John gives Helen as his contact person. If I was Helen, I’d be packing right now and heading for the hills. John isn’t exactly the luckiest man in the world. As John is being wheeled into the hospital, Sun on a stretcher comes along side with her own stretcher and emergency team. Again, a near death or other traumatic experience triggers a dual timeline memory, as Sun recognizes John but mistakes him for MIB. “It’s him. It’s him.” in Korean. How cool would it have been to see Locke roll his head to the side and give her a grin? As MIB is returning with Jack they find Claire has been following them. Must be hard to sneak up on a smoke monster. Claire and Jack have a half sister and half brother half assed reunion. At least they didn’t have sex like Shannon and Boone. Claire: did he tell you that he was pretending to be my father?
From 6.5 Lighthouse
While Claire is stitching up Jin, she rambled on about being shot, how the Others have Aaron. First her father told her, then a friend told her. The friend is clearly MIB, but aren’t Christian and MIB one and the same? MIB has been loose on the island since the plane crash of 815? Why does Claire separate out MIB as two beings, when we have specifically been told they are one and the same. It’s unlikely that Claire saw MIB as Locke until very recently, yet immediately identifies him as friend.
Claire is happy that Jack is going with them, but Jack states that he is undecided. Claire: you decided the moment you talked to him, you are with him now. There’s that line of logic again. But, at this point, the only people that have not spoke to MIB are…well, I guess just Miles. He hasn’t interacted with a manifestation of MIB in any way since arriving at the island. You could also make a case for John Locke, except that he has spoken to manifestations of Christian, among others. Even the Widmore crew. So, Miles is the one that will save us all? Miles is the chosen one. This feels me up with joy much like a baby fills us a diaper. Yuck.

Sawyer is gathering up his team as he whispers with Hurley and Kate does hand puppet signals with Sun. Sayid and Claire are not part of Sawyer’s plan as Sayid has changed and Claire is nuts. MIB and Jack have their meeting in the jungle during the middle of the night. MIB and Jack are back now in the middle of the day. Another odd day/night transition, as did they walk ten miles into the jungle? Why would they? At the police station, Sawyer is munching on an apple while Kate sits in handcuffs in a chair. With all the tempting that MIB and Jacob have been doing, it was inevitable that we would get a Garden of Eden reference point with the apple. And they flirt. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Since this is the third excruciating meeting between Sawyer and Kate in this timeline, I suppose Juliet must be Jack’s ex-wife by default. Sawyer: do you remember me? Sure, you’re one of the guys from the Sabotage video by the Beastie Boys. Sawyer talks about the weird coincidence of the plane, the elevator, the car accident. Kate ignores the greater purpose question of universe course correction and leaps right to the “you’re hitting on me” train of thought. Dumb, this one, she is. She does stumble on Sawyer not wanting anybody to know he was in Australia, but in the scheme of things, does this keep Sawyer from being a hero for capturing a very highly wanted fugitive that has been able to escape US Marshalls? And in an elevator in an airport, you could have arrived from anywhere. Miles interrupts the awkward reunion with news of the restaurant shootout, and they have a surveillance photo of Sayid leaving the scene. Jack and Kate stare at Sayid. He’s different. What do you expect? He’s a fricking zombie. The walking undead. Sure, there are flies doing circles around his head and he smells like a hoarder’s apartment. Zoe awkwardly trapezes into MIB’s camp. So, the whole Jin being kidnapped and then Hurley walking into camp didn’t put these people on alert to post security yet. Wow. What happened to the Others being crafty in hiding and tracking and from being found, and now they are Times Square on the island? Zoe: You took something from us, and we want it back. So Desmond is a “something” and “it”. Sure, it’s a plot device to keep the MIB camp from asking who is the “who”, but it also makes Widmore’s group out to be dehumanizing ruffians, which I have no problem with whatsoever. Zoe transmits a signal, and a mortal shell explodes in the background. Zoe demands the something by nightfall and leaves. MIB uses his whittling stick to break the transmitter.

Pregnant Claire has an appointment with an adoption agency and Desmond is following her. Desmond has been a busy bee, playing matchmaker with Hugo, playing demolition derby with Locke’s wheelchair, and catching up Claire, in a very short amount of time since his talks with Eloise and Daniel. Now, it’s funny how much information a plane manifest is going to yield since Desmond knows that Claire is going to be in certain places in certain times, because Desmond would have a hell of a time tracking down a person on a trip from Australia that ends up in a hospital and then goes to an office building. How does Desmond know where to find these people at specific points in time, crucial points in time. Like Jacob did when he touched people. Whatever Desmond is, he is similar to Neo from the Matrix. Yeah, yet another boring Matrix reference from me. Desmond offers services of a lawyer, because he doesn’t want Claire to find herself in a situation that was irreversible. Seems like Desmond is trying to prevent certain events from entering the point of no return, and Claire giving up Aaron is a mistake. If Desmond really wanted to correct mistakes, he’d be chasing Kate down an alley with an axe. Claire agrees to Desmond’s offer. We meet Ilana Verdansky, the lawyer. I sure hope she can handle a property lien better than a sack full of unstable explosives. I couldn’t find any significance to her last name. Of course, you bring back the dead Ilana, but never hit on anything about her background to her island character. Much like Libby last week, we see the return of a character that sheds zero light on many mysteries surrounding them. Ilana has been looking for Claire. At the camp, MIB is giving a speech that is full of convenient fabrications. “These people are provoking us into a confrontation” which is a nice way for MIB to say “I’m going to let you insignificant idiots duke it out, and then I’ll kill the survivors”. The plan remains to go to the other island and leave on the plane. MIB gives Sawyer a mission, to head for the sailboat that Desmond arrived on the island with, sail to Hydra, and take whoever you want. MIB tells Sawyer that it’s easier to travel without the entire group as a whole, to break it up. Which is bullsh!!t. MIB knows that Sawyer is going to try something, he’s a conman and a liar, so MIB wants an excuse to see who is really on his side, and he will deal with the ones that go with Sawyer. MIB’s plan doesn’t make any sense other wise. Of course, Sawyer takes Kate with him for the boat. While MIB walks off with Sayid, Sawyer shares his plan with Jack to meet up at a dock, gives him a map, and tells him to leave Claire and Sayid behind. When Sawyer says that Claire is nuts, we get a shot of her stuffing mangoes into a large woolen sock. I had to wonder if Claire was using this as a transport device, if she thought the mangoes were catching a cold, or making a sex toy. MIB tells Sayid to kill Desmond. He questions whether Sayid still wants what he was promised, Nadia, and Sayid says “yes.”

Sayid arrives at the water well that Desmond was thrown into. It’s a rather short well, with a couple of inches of water at the bottom. I wonder if Desmond has attempted to climb out, as there seem to be foot and hand holds on the walls. The stones may or may not be slippery, but I’ve seen Beary Gryls climb something more daunting on every one of his Man vs. Wild shows. You know, Bear could simply walk around the cliffs or canyons or glaciers or whatever. But nooooooooo. He has to show off his rock climbing skills all the figging time. We get it. You fancy yourself as Spiderman, you fancy gentleman. Now, cut it out. Does he realize that the viewers are now rooting for him to fall and break his head. As Sayid cocks his gun and points it at Desmond, D: what did he offer you? It’s interesting that Desmond has had no recent interaction with most of the characters on the island(s), save Widmore, Sayid, and MIB. Yet, he knows all about the temptations, the deals being offered. Must be part of the knowledge gained while being bombarded with electromagnetism. Sayid wants the woman that he loved, more than the other women that he loved. She’s dead, but he hopes for a reunion because he was dead and came back. Too bad Sayid can’t compare notes with Richard and how that deal just isn’t going to happen. Desmond: what will you tell her? They leave the scene, but I’d imagine the correct response is “hey, baby, when’s the last time you brushed your teeth?” or “I sure wish I hadn’t had you cremated because now I have to have sex with an urn full of ashes” or “don’t you remember me telling you to look both ways before crossing the street?”. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that Desmond did not get shot. Sayid did spare one of the Widmorites, so I can’t imagine he would murder Desmond for no reason. Plus can you imagine the anguish of fans if we find out 3 episodes from now, “oh, yeah, Desmond is dead” and we didn’t see it happen? Sayid flees to Nadia’s house in the dual timeline, and is hurriedly packing. Sayid: I took care of it, I’ve leaving, I’m never coming back. A bit more compelling than I forgot the milk and bread on the way home so I guess we won’t be having any bread pudding for dinner. A knock on the door, and Nadia is stalling Miles. Just like in the Richard episode, how do these cops find Sayid on security tapes, find the address of his brother’s house, and arrive seconds after Sayid does, who has probably done a bee line back right after the shootings. While Sayid was able to do plenty of kills for Ben over a long period of time and didn’t get caught until he quit and Ilana captured him, here he is caught for murdering right away. At least his brother is out of debt, so that’s nice. Sayid runs out the back way and trips over a garden hose. Hell, it’s like he walked into Rousseau’s island trap during Season One. Sawyer and Kate find the sailboat, which somehow has not crashed on the nearby rocks after years of being anchored there, despite tropical storms and shifting tides. Alright, I’ll forgive that error. That’s pretty nitpicky. Kate wants Claire to come too. Sawyer: She’s gone, she’s dangerous, do you want her around Aaron. What Sawyer should have said is that Claire’s loyalty is not towards the Losties anymore since they abandoned her, so she will turn towards MIB the first test she comes across. You just know that when she arrives at Hydra, she will kick over a couple of pylons and let MIB walk right in. Yeah, she might not be the best mother around Aaron, but just look at the kid. Who wouldn’t try to smother him? As the MIB troops move through the jungle, Jack: do you trust Locke? Claire: Yes, he was the only one who didn’t abandon me. It’s really starting to bother me. Claire was injured in the missle attack at the Barracks. She walked away in the middle of the night and disappeared, except for that one time in Jacob’s cabin. It could be a matter of who abandoned who. So, if she was the only one on the island other than the Others, that must mean Rose and Bernard are dead, along with Vincent, since she never found them. MIB if miffed that Sun is giving him the silent treatment, as she scribbles you did this to me as a response. Hey, MIB didn’t order Sun to run face first into a tree. The only thing funnier would have been face first into a grease fire, a meteor, and I will also accept the answer of fire hydrant. Um, I think the actually island probably punished her, as Sun was saying that she didn’t give darn rootin’ tootin’ about what the island wants. Excuse my focking language. So, the island took away her voice, much to the delight of millions of viewers. MIB goes to look for Sayid, giving Jack and the others a very, very, very convenient opportunity to escape. Claire watches as Jack, Hurley, Sun, and Frank abandon her again. Of all the wackiness going on, Claire at this moment has positioned herself into a very sympathetic role. Well, except for the whole axe in the chest thing. But how endearing was it when she tried to kill Kate? Good times, good times. MIB finds Sayid walking around, staring up at the sky, not realizing that it’s probably not a good idea to look directly at the sun. Sayid says he shot Desmond and that MIB can go check if he wants to. MIB trusts him, or miscalculates him, but it’s a mistake either way. There is a meeting at the dock. Sawyer: the only way Dharma people left this island for over 3 years was by sub. But, Sawyer, surely you remember that they could only leave or arrive at certain periods of time, every so often, as it wasn’t a super highway. Claire shows up with a gun at the dock. Then it suddenly clicks into place for me. Look at all the purple. Of course, the famous reference is “the sky turned purple”. But Sayid in the dual timeline was wearing a purple shirt, which is an odd color for him. But look at the boat. Sawyer, Sun, Hurley are all wearing purple. Well, Hurley is more red/purple. Claire has a checkered purple flannel. What the hell is this color coordination? Are these people about to die, a foreshadowing? That leaves Jack with a blue shirt and Frank with white, Kate with gray, Jin with white. There has to be massive bloodshed coming around the corner, and I’m trying to read the tea leaves to so who is going to die. Kate talks Claire into joining them, following up with strong arming Sawyer into letting her get on the boat. “She’s coming or I’m not.” Um, Sawyer, remember how pissed you were when Kate got on the sub with you and Juliet and ruined your escape and that Juliet died twice in the last couple of days? Now, Kate NOT coming is a deal breaker. Really? Juliet’s death becomes more meaningless with every passing show. I’d like to see a fish with a Dharma logo swim up and spit the engagement ring at Sawyer. Kate: I was wrong, I never should have raised him, come with us. Kate needs to make another couple of hundred apologies, but there are only a couple of episodes left. Claire: when he finds out, he will be mad. Well, nobody expects him to do the Pee-wee Herman Tequila dance of joy at a biker bar either.

Jack and his Mini-Me are strolling through a hallway. Young David is making it clear that he wants to hang out with his father, suffocating him with his neediness, clinging like an emotionally empty barnacle on an underwater statue’s ass. They are going to a will reading, a delightful father-son event. David: I’m sad for you, dad. Geez, get this EMO kid some black lipstick, gel, and some sheer pantyhose to wear. Grow a pair. Do you think John Wayne’s kid would have told his father, “Tell me about your feelings?” Wayne would have kicked his son in the balls. Every kid on this show is a creep. Well, except for Walt, who is starting for the Knicks this season. Ilana is leading the will reading. Jack is wearing a purple tie. PURPLE. This has to mean something. Ilana is wearing a purple blouse and purple jacket. Seriously, this is getting weird. Jack meets Claire. Claire: he was my father too. Claire is wearing gray in this timeline. In the other one, MIB and wearing gray. So, it’s purple and gray, predominantly. Backtracking, Desmod is wearing a gray jacket and gray shirt in the elevator with Claire. This has to significant. Jack is not handling the news well, and is trying to gather his thoughts when he gets a phone call about an emergency at the hospital. Nothing like an emergency to cheer a fella up. Jack needs to reschedule the will reading, which certainly is inconvenient for Claire, but never mind her. Sawyer outlines his master plan on the sailboat, which is moving at a rapid clip through the ocean, without use of the sails. Sawyer: be nice to Widmore, take the sub at gunpoint. Simple, yet stupid. How do you get the drop on Widmore, when he has done it to MIB 3 times now? And sent the freighter to kill everybody. Sawyer is desperate to leave the island, and not thinking things through, and nobody is challenging his decision making. This is the same role that Jack played Seasons 1 to 4. Jack: it just doesn’t feel right, leaving the island, I remember how I felt the last time when I left, part of me was missing, we were brought here for a reason, we were supposed to do something, if MIB wants us to leave, maybe we need to stay. This speech was very reminiscent of Locke at the end of Season 4 at the orchid, facing Jack on the island for the last time. Jack has indeed turned into a Stupid Man of Faith. I sincerely hope Jacob Stalin’s plan all along was to leave a trail of death and destruction in order to convert Jack into a believer, because that is sooooo worth the price. Sawyer is not at all pleased with Jack’s soul searching. Get off my dam boat, obviously confusing it with a sail boat. You’re with us, or in the water. Very much like Jack’s reaction to Locke’s speech at the orchid. A total rejection. Jack: the island isn’t done with us yet. A recall to a line uttered by many characters at many times, including Ben, Eloise, and Desmond. Sawyer dares Jack to take a leap of faith off the boat. Jack: sorry about Juliet. Jack jumps, much like Sawyer jumped off the helicopter in Season 4. While Sawyer was trying to save the small group in the chopper, and more specifically Kate, Jack is jumping for a more macro view of things, for better good of everybody. I know I’ve bashed Jack for many, many seasons, and rightfully so. I have to begrudgingly admit that…no, I’m not doing it. Are you crazy? What were you thinking? I’m not going to give him credit. He still sucks. You can shove that Jack is a changed man bull down my throat all you want. It’s not working. I want Jack to be smashed against a coconut tree by Smoke Monster. And for comedic effect, as Jack is laying there dying, I want some coconuts to fall out of the tree and *bonk* him in the face. Kate, of course panics at Jack jumping, because there is one less unfortunate soul to fawn over her. Sawyer: we’re not going back, much like Jack said when they didn’t go back for Jin on the freighter.

Sun wakes up in the hospital, and Jin assures her everything is fine and the baby is OK, and they will live happily ever after. I was so hoping for crane accident and a wrecking ball would come swinging into their room and demolishing them once and for all. Jack and David walk to surgery together. The kid could sit around all night in a waiting room, or could go out and do something productive with his life, but the marshmallow doesn’t even consider it. Jack is told of the pre-existing condition of paralysis and responds with “I can do this” a far cry from counting 5 seconds. Jack looks in a mirror, yes another mirror, and sees Locke’s face. Being that this scene is nearly a recreation of the operating scene of Ben on the Hydra island during Season 3 may have triggered Jack. “I think I know this guy.” Jack turns to the nurse and almost yells “Dammit, Nurse, run!!” Jack swims ashore, like Sawyer did after jumping from the chopper. Unfortunately, there is no Juliet with a bottle of rum waiting for him ashore. MIB and the Others have him at gun point. MIB is not surprised to learn that Sawyer took his boat. Meanwhile, with all this back and forth island travel, do we still have any idea who shot at the time travelers on the boat in Season 5? Sawyer’s crew arrive at the Hydra island, and Widmore’s group jumps out with their guns. Jin sees Sun, and they run towards each other. I wait with baited breath, as each is headed to the pylon at the same exact time. Oh, there will be some hugging and some frothing at the mouth and some anguish. I can’t wait. Yes, another step, Yes, another. Right now…NO!!!! Dagnabbit. The pylons didn’t kill them. Fock, Fock. Fock. Oh, for fock’s sake, she can now speak in English too. I guess I have to look at the bright side of the old stubborn tomato, if you will. They’ve been building up to this moment for about 2 seasons, Sun and Jin’s reunion, and it lasted a few seconds. Fine, it didn’t kill me. It gave me the same happy feeling as chicken pox. No, not recovering from it. I mean getting it. Zoe gets a message on her transmitter. Z: hands up and on your knees. Well, this is a fine pickle. S: we had a deal. Z: deal’s off. Howie Mandell, take notes. This would be a terrific game show. Z: you get a fix on Locke? We are taken to the main island, where we can hear a whistling sound. Nobody moves. It took frigging drooling Jack to say “Get Down” before anybody moved. Have these people not learned anything living on this island? Jack hits the sand and is stuck with loss of hearing, like the characters had at the beginning of the season after the hydrogen bomb exploded. MIB picks up Jack and carries him into the jungle. MIB: it’s OK, you’re with me now. Jack’s eyes said: What? Did you say something? I can’t hear…anything. Dammit, Others, run!!

It was inevitable, but I don’t feel a whit of emotion or attachment to any character anymore, other than the island itself. If anybody, and I do mean ANYBODY dies in this show upcoming, I will simply shrug my shoulders. I guess the island was done with them. Which is rather odd, after enjoying many of their journeys for five seasons. Well, hopefully the mediocrity is behind us and maybe the ending won’t be as unsatisfying as I fear. On the bright side, we might get up to 25% of the answers we deserve, and an ending that doesn’t leave the fate of the world in Jack’s hands. We can hope. At least the Seahawks had a great draft.

6.12 Everybody Loves Hugo

2010-04-20T10:15:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. Watching this episode the first time bored me tears. It just wasn’t all that interesting to me. The rewatch was as pleasant as having a urinary tract infection, going to work, and then sharing a small office with a chronic Irritable Bowel Syndrome sufferer who, on average, every 10 seconds lets a little toot escape their fart box. While I thought it was a great idea to bring back Libby since there were so many questions about her character, I find it beyond maddening that the writers answered none of the questions. Not one. She gave Desmond a boat. She lied about being a psychiatrist. She sort of liked a guy that looked like the Grimace. We knew nothing about this mysterious woman before Michael put a slug in her belly. They brought her back just so a lady could shove their tongue down Hurley’s throat? Just friggin’ great. Maddening. So, you focus an episode around the guy that can talk to dead people, and you only have ONE dead person talk to him. ONE? You couldn’t scrounge up more than one? Thousands of people are dead on this island and Hydra island combined, and Michael is the only one that feels like talking? Purges upon purges, they’re running out of cemetery plots. How about the French guy with one arm. Or Horace. Or Caesar. Somebody, anybody. Alas, just Michael. And he didn’t even focking die on the island, but on the boat miles from the island. Isabella, Richard’s wife, died on Canary Islands, and see is bopping around the island. Am I taking crazy pills? It’s not about dying on the island. But you can get trapped on an island you never visited before. Crazy pills. How do you follow up a great Desmond episode with this happy horse sh!!t. Heavens to Murgatroyd. No Locke ghost? Seriously? Do we think that would have been a major plot device? Sure. Well, we’ve figured out the formula for Season 6 by now. Cliché, romance, cliché, crappy CGI explosion, cliché, cringe inducing dialogue, all the main characters standing around waiting for nothing to happen, cliché, some more romance, some more standing around, cliché. Repeat. Hey, it’s the show’s fault. They can put together some fantastic episodes when they try. Tick, tock, tick, tock. The show is almost over, and I am losing my mind with impatience. I watch every week, and there are times I want to literally rip my face off and eat it. I hope they are planning on a 17 hour series finale on May 23rd to wrap things up, because they got some ‘splaining to do.

We start with a ceremony honoring the world’s biggest philanthropist, literally. Hurley, or is it Hugo, or, wait a second. Sure this is restating the obvious, but the Losties have been calling him Hurley since day one. Now, the two names are interchangeable, and nobody bats an eye. A person with two names, and God knows the origination of Hurley, because that is reminiscent of vomiting, and we know Hugo is not bulimic. So Hurley is the genius behind the world wide phenomenon of Mr. Clucks. Microsoft? Overrated. Curing cancer? Never be done. Chopping the heads off chickens in slaughterhouses and deep frying them twice. Brilliant!!! He has paid for a paleontology wing for the Golden State Natural History Museum. Who cares? I want to know how the presenter, Dr Pierre Chang, isn’t aging, like Richard. Look at him. Hell, he looks younger 30 years later off island than he did on island during the Dharma time traveling stuff. How is this guy not aging? Bullsh!!t. Hurley gets a standing ovation because it takes a real hero to be rich and insist on wearing hippie sideburns. Hugo’s mom is bored to tears at his table, giving him an insincere slow clap. She has most likely been dragged to many of these functions as Hugo’s date. I’m sure the prom date ending up at Lookout Point must have been awkward. Hurley needs a woman in his life and has been set up on a blind date with Hurley’s uncle Tito’s neighbor Rosalita. Uncle Tito dropped dead when Hurley won the lottery; hell the guy worked 3 jobs, so it’s nice to see him alive. His death started the series of unfortunate events that made Hurley believe that he was cursed. Hugo lays a flower at Libby’s gravesite on the island. Is it my imagination, but doesn’t the cemetery look far different this season than seasons past. Production stuff, I guess. Hurley is lamenting that dead people talk to him, but not Libby specifically. Try going to the hospital for two weeks, and nobody outside your immediate family noticing. Then get back to me about lamenting. Not that I know what that’s like. Ilana informs Hugo that she is going to grab some dynamite, as the Jacobites have nothing but explosives on their minds. Hurley entertains Ilana with some small talk about Libby being murdered and other delightful anecdotes that would be all the rage at a cocktail party with the hoi polloi. Ilana leaves and Hugo notices a weird noise nearby. It’s Michael. “I’m here to stop you from getting everybody killed.” The big question isn’t about why Michael is here. It’s what is Michael’s motivation? Who’s best interests is he working for? His own, the islands, his friends he didn’t get a chance to kill when he had a chance as part of some psychotic mindset, Walt?

Hurley gives Michael the third degree. Why should I trust you, you murdered Libby and Ana-Lucia? A fair question, and arguably among the most shocking moments in LOST history, just in case we forgot, which we didn’t. So much time wasted on reminding us of the obvious this year. Yes, Michael killed them. We know. Michael shows off his ever consistent people skills with “that doesn’t matter right now.” Michael continues to butter up Hugo. “People are going to die, it will be your fault, people are listening to you now.” As far as I’m concerning, that’s criticism of the people on the island, as they are following the lead of a person that says “dude” every other word. I would have strangled dudemeister a long, long time ago. Hurley has been stood up for his date in the Spanish Johnnys restaurant. Interesting detail in that Rosalita is some kind of song by Bruce Springsteen, and Spanish Johnnys in named in some song lyric of another song on the same album as Rosalita, which was to be Hugo’s date. I not only dislike Bruce Springsteen and his music, I don’t respect him enough to bother looking up the proper spelling of his name. Here is a tip for all actors, celebrities, athletes, etc. I don’t give a dam about your political affiliations, your causes, your charities. Shut. The. Fock Up. Just keep doing whatever you do that makes you famous, and we will try to ignore how retarded you sound when you try to talk about the hot button issues of the day. Just because you are famous, doesn’t make you smart. Libby approaches his table. Hurley wasn’t expecting somebody so non-Latina. Libby saw Hugo from across the room and had to talk to him because she felt a connection, like they were soul mates. Have I mentioned the word “cliché” in this writeup yet? I’m sure I have. Unlike Libby, Hurley doesn’t remember her, but to be fair, it would be hard not to pick Hugo out of a police lineup. Hurley’s doctor from the mental ward shows up, Dr Brooks, and corrals Libby with a butterfly net, taking her away in a van. Felt like a kidnapping, sort of when Bram and his dead buddies grabbed Miles last year and threatened him. Ilana is back with the dynamite, in what seems like a very short amount of time. We established that the explosives on the Black Rock are a day or two journey from the Losties camp, way back in Season One. But I guess sloppy writing is normal nowadays. Hurley doesn’t like Ilana’s plan and worries that the dynamite is very unstable. Illana: I’ve been training my whole life for this, Jacob said to listen to Richard, Richard said to blow up the plane. As Ilana is jabbering on with her self important nonsense, she is plopping full bottles of water on top of the sweaty dynamite in the sack, and then plops the bag on the ground. And blows up. I’d say that I was surprised, but I’d be lying. LOST has become a bit predictable. That was an obvious plot twist. So let’s review the life and times of the worst bodyguard ever. She is hand picked, we know absolutely nothing about her past. She thinks of Jacob as a father figure. She was bandaged up in a hospital in Russia. She knows all about MIB and Jacob, about the ash, about MIB can’t change shape anymore, the meaning of candidates, details about the candidates like Miles ability to talk to the recently dead, knows the secret passages in the Temple, kicks Sayid’s ass and handcuffs him, knows about the Ajira flight, and on and on and on. And she dies with a million questions surrounding her. Nothing. Do you expect to find out anything else about her before the show ends? I don’t. Frustrating. Oh, but I bet there is a kiss of some sort coming up. Yah!!!! How about somebody course correcting Cuse and Lindeloff’s plane into an active volcano. Oh, the show isn’t about good stories or interesting events, it’s about relationships. Whoop de friggin’ do. Kill me. MIB is whittling. Just sitting there and whittling, in his camp. I suppose it beats having a thumb stuck up his ass, but it’s a pretty close second. Still, it’s an example of MIB picking up and living with the tendencies that John Locke had. A bleeding together of personalities. Sawyer is amped up and irritated over the lack of anything to do. MIB: There is a difference between waiting and doing nothing. Correct. The LOST viewers are waiting, and the LOST writers are doing nothing. The tag line for this season. We should be riding a roller coaster this close to a season finale, much less series finale. The story picking up pace, craziness all around, and yet….MIB is sitting and whittling. MIB: You came back together to the island (Oceanic 6), and we need to leave the same way. Sayid returns back to camp and leads MIB out into the jungle, where they meet up with Desmond tied to a tree.

Hurley is looking through Ilana’s stuff, as any grieving person would do, scavenging. Sawyer would approve. He picks up the pouch containing Jacob’s ashes. Hurley must be planning a gambit of some sort, but we don’t know if he knows the properties of the ash, as he wasn’t around for the Bram stuff inside the shoe, Dogen’s ashes around the Temple, and I’m not sure if he understands the ashes surrounding Jacob’s cabin. Richard has given the old plan some thought, since he just witnessed Ilana dying. Richard: let’s get some more dynamite. Meet the new plan, same as the old plan. Speaking of which, Jack: I promised Sun I would get her off this island. So who died and made Jack the ticket agent? Aside from Ilana. Hurley takes Richard’s side. Hurley is number #38 in line in one of his chicken franchises, which is odd for two reasons. One, it’s not one of the 4,8,15,16,23,42 numbers. Next, when was the last time you were in a fast food place with tickets? You wait in line like all the other animals being led to slaughter by ingesting horrible, past expiration date, non hygienically touched, nearly gelatinous, morsels of germ infestations on a sesame seed bun. Hurley needs to grab some grub. He orders the 108 piece meal, coming with 36 biscuits, 2 liters of gravy, a Farva of cola, four stents, and coupon for 5 dollars off in your next purchase of electric paddles. I could have said defibrillators, but everybody calls them the electric paddle thingies. Desmond enters the chicken place, stalking Hurley. If it’s not stalking, I don’t know what to call it. It’s not like you could get Hurley’s home address off the plane manifest. Not that I object to stalking. It’s hours of fun and leads to most of my dates. You know, back in the good old days, grandpappy would court grandmomma by asking her out every day for 6 months. She would admit that she didn’t like him at first, but he wore her down with his determination. What a neat love story. Nowadays, an NFL quarterback can’t even make out with a drunk chick without being sued. It’s a crazy, crazy world. Desmond invites himself over to Hurley’s table, much like Libby did earlier in the episode. Seemed repetitive. Desmond: That’s a lot of chicken. LOST writers have become grand masters of the obvious. Hurley eats when he is depressed. Wow. I never realized Oprah was so miserable. But it’s plain to see that Desmond is now in the course correcting business, much like Eloise. He is aware of multiple timelines, and is putting his spin on things. A wise man pointed out to me last week that Desmond was playing a bit of a Jesus role, what with the talk of sacrificing himself, being more aware of events than those around him, and some of the religious overtones the show has touched on over the years. It would be better if Desmond still had his crazy beard. Desmond is planting thoughts in Hugo’s head without telling him exactly what to do. Desmond: all women are crazy, did you believe her, go with your gut. So, Hurley is depressed about Libby being whisked away, and Desmond is here to play multi-universe Cupid. I’m really bored at this point. Come on, a love story every week? Richard and Isabella, Jin and Sun, Desmond and Penny, Daniel and oblivious Charlotte, blah, blah, blah. The show is not about romance, you focking writer hacks. Love stories have been done to death, had sequels, had remakes, been rebooted, and been done to death some more. You are ruining our show. Fock. Desmond’s order number is #42. Well, there’s a magic number. Desmond is tied to a tree on the island with a red shirt. It used to be a sign of a character about to die, but Hurley had one on for most of the season. The pattern is falling apart. MIB unties Desmond, as he has nowhere to run, brother. Brother. Do you think Desmond has been saying “brother” through multiple loops, because Jacob and MIB are brothers and it’s important….food for thought. MIB: Why did Widmore bring you back to the island? Desmond: I was kidnapped, ask him, they blasted me with electromagnetism? MIB questions how Desmond can be sure it was electromagnetism. Desmond: experience. Loops of the past, all timelines, or just the handful of times in this timeline? It’s never a straight answer, is it? As MIB extends his hand to Desmond because he needs to show him something, Desmond takes it. Is this the new way MIB scans people? He isn’t turning into smoke to scan anymore, so is it by touch now? Ben starts a meandering, listless short speech in Jack’s general direction. Ben sucks as a character more and more every single week. Ben: Ilana was handpicked by Jacob to protect you, tells you that you are candidates, blows up, the island was done with her, what will happen when it is done with us? It’s sad to see Ben a sad sack, the complete opposite of his demeanor the rest of this series. To be fair, most of the regular cast members have become something else since spending time on the island, but Ben is a real mess. While I noticed a while ago that Hugo was missing from screen, the characters are now starting to catch on. Hurley lumbers away from the Black Rock just before we get our unsolicited 2nd explosion of the week. Richard: Why? Hurley: I’m protecting us.

Richard is reacting to the explosion in calm and reflective tones. “We’re all dead. We’re all dead. Dead.” I wonder what Richard is trying to tell us. Hugo explains to Miles that Michael told him to do it, dead people yell at him, and that dead people are more reliable than alive people. Reliable? Maybe? Smarter? Probably not. Because they are dead. Hurley has a lot of trust issues, but not with ghosts. Hurley is also being put into positions where he is making life and death choices for people, which is out of his comfort zone. This is going to end badly. Hurley drops by Dr Brook’s office of the mental hospital and asks questions regarding Libby. She has issues with reality, and it’s not a good idea for Hurley to see her. Hugo offers a 100 thousand dollar bribe to change the doctor’s mind. Geez, for that kind of money, Hurley could have bought 100 mail order brides, and some of them might not have been angry, homicidal, and reeking of cigarettes. The recreation room is very similar to when Hurley was hanging out in the other timeline, with Connect Four games, people wandering aimlessly around, a drawing of the island on the chalkboard in the background, etc. I missed seeing Leonard repeating the 4,8,15,16,23,42, numbers over and over and over. Libby is led into the room as a prisoner without handcuffs. Libby wants to know why Hurley is there if he doesn’t remember. Libby: I was watching TV, memories washing over me, of another life, there was a plane crash, and island, we liked each other, when I got to this facility, it was like I was here before, you were in here too. First of all, this is reminiscent of Daniel watching TV, and starting to cry as the rover at the bottom of the ocean discovers the planted by Widmore plane wreckage of Oceanic 815. He has a feeling, some memories, but it was due to time and space travel, not in a sideways universe, I would think. Hurley can’t recall ever being in a mental facility before, but tries his best to keep Libby from concentrating on being crazy. Hugo laments his lack of social skills before awkwardly asking out the lunatic for a date. MIB and Desmond are strolling through the jungle on their own date. MIB: you were pushing the button for 3 years, yet you are back for more, this island has it out for you. Desmond: for all of us. Desmond knows something, but remains cryptic. They turn around to see the same kid with old fashioned attire standing in the jungle. Desmond: Do you know him? MIB: Just ignore him. Sure, MIB knows who it is. We don’t for sure. Young Jacob, Young MIB, an island manifestation, hell at this point it could just be a random ghost. I have zero curiosity about the snot nosed brat other than a deep down inside hope that Skull baby survived it’s early year trauma and grew up to be a healthy young man. Just like the kid they buried in Pet Semetary. Ilana’s plan was blow up the plane. Richard’s plan was to blow up the plane. Richard’s new plan is to blow up the plane. I detect a pattern, one that reeks of failure. The explosives are at the Barracks, but Hurley drives a wedge into the group and wants to go talk to Locke. It’s a pretty even matchup of whose plan is more stupid, but let’s see what happens. Hurley bluffs that it’s Jacob’s idea, but Richard calls him on it. R: ask him what the island is, which we have come to know as a bottle with a cork in it, from Ab Aeterno’s episode. Hurley: I don’t have to prove anything to you, Richard; come with me, or blow stuff up. Unusually harsh words coming from in-over-his-head Hugo. Richard: He’s lying, Jacob never tells us what to do, if that thing leaves this island, that’s the end of everything, who’s coming with me? Richard with a nice counterargument and hit on all the important points, other than the whole blow up the plane thing is Richard idea, not Jacob’s. These are people making huge decisions on their own, thinking they are acting on Jacob’s behalf. It’s as sad as watching a bunch of headless chickens trying to run a relay race. Much like the Locke and Jack camp split, after the freighter invasion started, two groups form and will go their separate ways. Ben and Miles go with Richard. They are headed to the Hydra, where they will have no idea that Widmore has set up shop. Ben will not be pleased to see Charles, and Miles will want his 1.6 million dollars for going on the freighter mission. However, we will most likely find out who did the Ajira purge, with Miles’ ability. They have no candidates are destined to die horrible deaths. The other group is the pilot Frank and the remaining potential candidates in Jack, Hurley, Sun.

Sun can’t talk, but writing is annoying me too. For the love of all things holy, somebody break her fingers or pen, preferably the fingers. Sun: Did we make a mistake? Frank: Probably. Frank with a one word appearance this week. Sure, you are trying to keep up the façade of flying off the island and you need a pilot. But is the show going to be any different if you start to kill off some of there characters. Let’s make a list of island folks that need to die. Zoe, Kate, Jack, Jacob, Sawyer, Sayid, Claire, Cindy, Zak, Emma, all the rest of the Others, all of Widmore’s men, Richard, Hurley, Desmond, Sun, Jin, Frank, Miles. Then we can have Ben, Charles, and MIB play Tiddlywinks over the fate of the universe. Hurley: how do you break the ice with the Smoke Monster? I suppose you could tell it that you have trouble talking to girls and would it like to go out for some coffee some time. Before you know it, you have a litter of puffs of smoke that will grow up to be those stupid air puppet figures that wave their arms in front of car dealerships. Hurley is worried that Smokie might kill us all. Maybe you should have thought of that before your plan of going to meet somebody that is capable of showing you your insides. What is it about this island? As soon as you gain power, you become a moron. MIB was wrong. Power does not corrupt. It kills brain cells. Hurley would lose a tic-tac-toe game to a medium sized boulder. Hugo: I didn’t see Jacob back there. Jack: I know, ever since I got Juliet killed, all I’ve wanted to do is fix it, and I can’t, it’s hard for me to step back and listen to people tell me what to do, maybe that’s the point. Hurley: unless you letting go gets us killed. Let’s take a breath here. Jack is feeling guilty about Juliet, as he should be. His plan to blow up the island to save their plane from crashing didn’t work, or didn’t work as expected. Jack is crying about how it hurts to not be leader anymore. Really? How about all the people that died under your stupid leadership? How do you think they feel? Maybe they can tell Hugo their feelings. Every single season of Lost, people died because of Jack’s mistakes. And, now we’re supposed to hug him and say it’s OK? No, it’s not. Jack has been responsible for arguably more deaths than Ben, for focks sake. So, this supposed new Jacob is going to walk about as the humble, stupid guy for the rest of the show. Greeeeat. Jack: I trust you. What is this? A Lamaze class? Hurley: it was my idea to talk to Locke and I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going. That’s OK. Neither has Jack in Six Seasons. Whispers in the jungle. Now, as in the Season 6 preview articles, I repeatedly pointed out that there was no discernable pattern to the whispers. They manifested typically just before the appearance of Smokie or a Smokie manifestation, like Jacob’s cabin chasing Hurley around the jungle, or to signify the appearance of the Others, like when Harper appeared to Juliet to warn that Daniel and Charlotte were on their way to the Tempest hatch. Hurley confirms with Michael that the whispers are the dead, those stuck on the island for what they did, ones that cannot move on. They also eat a lot of ghost pork and beans and have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and do a lot of hissing like steam coming out of a tea kettle. Michael gives Hurley directions to MIB’s camp. Michael wraps things up with “don’t get yourself killed” and “if you ever see Libby again, tell her I’m very sorry”. Sure, Michael shot her in the stomach in the Swan hatch, but she didn’t go quietly. She struggled with life for a while, even going so far as to say “Michael” but Jack and Kate were too dumb to consider that she was naming the murderer. Michael kept looking for a chance to smother her with a pillow, but she passed on her own. So, not only was Michael not sorry for trying to kill her initially, he was trying to make sure she stayed dead. Then, the allows 5 of his friends to be kidnapped. Then, he tries to kill himself multiple times. Yet, here we get a weak ass apology. There is no forgiveness for you, focko. How about you mention Walt, you know, your son that you murdered people for? Forgot about him already? Michael sucks. Picnic on a crowded, windy, non tourist friendly California beach. We now know why Hurley woke up yelling “Cheese Curds” in the Lighthouse episode. He likes cheese and even dreams about it. He brought along in his pic-a-nic basket a wide assortment of cheeses, because eating on a windy beach with sand getting stuck to cheese is one of the world’s greatest treats. Libby is feeling a bit off, a familiarity of a first date they never had, medication she forgot to take, the voices in her head. Hurley brings up all of his insecurities and wonders why Libby would want to be with a guy like him? Are you insane? What kind of question is that? You’re rich, dummy. She loves your money, and is probably working with another Oceanic 815 passenger on a long con. Libby: I like you. And? And? Finish the sentence. And your money. She kisses him with all the love that Claire would kiss skull baby, back when the skull still was covered with rotting flesh. The kiss was dreadful on many levels. It did jog some memories in Hurley’s head, and suddenly he is remembering stuff. Libby is happy she is not crazy. Desmond is watching from a distance. He drives off in his car, license plate number 4PCI264.

MIB leads Desmond to a well in the middle of the jungle, in the middle of the night. To test the depth, they drop a torch inside, and you can hear the sound of water at the bottom. MIB explains this is a very old well, dug by hand; they were not looking for water but answers, places like this make compass needles spin like crazy. Broken compasses do that too. They needed to know why, they dug, they didn’t find what they were looking for. Widmore is interested in power, not answers, this isn’t the only well. OK, let’s start with ancient inhabitants on the island were aware of the special properties of negatively charged matter. Eventually, Dharma came along to try to harness it. Widmore is nearly confirmed to be on neither Jacob’s or MIB’s side, but is working for his own interests. Sure, this isn’t the only well, as Locke was climbing down the one that the Orchid built over the top of, and Locke turned the frozen donkey wheel. So, does this well have a wheel too? Widmore has a map, and it’s likely that wells are dug right over the spots of weird energy. MIB: Why aren’t you afraid? A fair but unexpected question. Desmond isn’t afraid because he knows the future, is my best guess. Desmond: What is the point of being afraid? That answer made no sense whatsoever. MIB does a great series of facial expressions of poker face, to smile, to evil face, and shoves Desmond into the well. MIB goes back to camp and tells Sayid they don’t have to worry about their friend anymore. Sawyer turns to MIB like a neglected wife. Where have been? I’ve been worried sick. Dinner is ice cold, and the children had to go to bed. Why don’t you love me anymore? Mother was right about you. MIB takes a swig on a whiskey bottle and pushes Sawyer down a flight of stairs. The next week, Sawyer has to explain that he walked into a doorknob and gave himself a black eye. Hurley wanders into camp, because nobody considered putting any guards on duty. Lots of guns, no security. Hugo: I don’t want anybody hurt or killed. MIB: you have my word. Sun is looking around for Jin. Kate smiles at Jack and I think I’d rather pass a handful of kidney stones before hearing their future conversations. MIB smiles at Jack. So what? Is this supposed to be a significant moment? They look at each other with googly eyes. Locke was the good guy. He was right about nearly everything. And he’s dead. Just goes to show, there is no possible happy ending to this show. Desmond is sitting in a car in a school parking lot, watching. Ben notices and knocks on his window. Ben: Can I help you? Desmond: No, just browsing to see which one I want to take home and chain up in my basement. Security! Security!! Desmond: I just moved here, looking for a school for my son. Ben: What’s his name? Desmond, without hesitation: Charlie. That response was instinctive and without hesitation, seems to be another fact bleeding together from the two time lines, since Desmond has no son in this timeline, but only in the original timeline. Desmond is watching Locke wheel himself through the parking lot. He starts up the car, and peels off, with the license plate 2FAN321. Note, earlier I explained “He drives off in his car, license plate number 4PCI264.” Different plates. Same car. How does that work? Production error? Loops? All I can do it point out the details, over and over again. Desmond speeds up and plows into Locke. Somehow, even though nearly the entirety of Locke’s body is below the hood of he car, sitting in a wheelchair that should go forward in a straight line or tip over and be pushed, Locke for some unknown reason not in line with everyday physics, pops up like a bagel in a toaster, and goes cart wheeling up and over Desmond’s car, plopping on the ground like a gutted fish. Ben runs over, yelling for someone to call 911, as Desmond peels away. Is it revenge for MIB throwing him down a well? Too shortsighted. It’s probably more of bigger picture view, where he is working for the benefit of both timelines and trying to prevent disaster on the island. Maybe, it’s to trigger Locke’s mind to remember the island and to fight MIB when the timelines bleed together. After all, Charlie and Desmond both remembered the other timeline when they had near death experiences. Still, it’s weird to think the activities in the dual timelines are happening 3 years apart. Ben: Can you hear me? Because when I see a guy that’s dying, I want to know if his senses are working. Hey, buddy, can you smell me? Locke is on his way to a hospital, much like when he was fleeing from Ben who just shot Mr Abaddon, and Locke got into a car accident and had Jack yell at him when he regained consciousness. So, in the LAX timeline, we can expect Locke in Jack’s hospital. Sun just got shot 2 episodes ago, so she will show up. Claire is already in Jack’s hospital. Desmond and Charlie just left. Seems like the museum and hospital are both becoming big meeting places in LAX.

This was a tough one. I didn’t care for the episode and I’ve been sick. If I die before the finale, I’m going to show Hurley what yelling by dead people is really like.

6.11 Happily Ever After

2010-04-12T10:25:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. This is a week where we stumbled on so many interesting ideas coming from the episodes, it’s going to be hard to stay organized as thoughts bounce around in my head like a drawing for Powerball. Why do I have a weird compulsion to confuse Desmond and Daniel when discussing off island stuff. Sometimes I’ll say Desmond is the son of Charles and Eloise, when clearly Daniel is. Desmond is the son in law of Charles, not the same thing by a long shot. Anyway. Desmond centric episodes rule. Always have. They are game changing events, truly exploding hydrogen bombs or old stupid tomatoes covered in kitty litter, depending on which side you are on. It’s nice to be talking about an episode that scrambled a lot of theories about what the heck is happening. I’ll toss in some quotes of previous articles that I have written, or items of interest I’ve pointed out in previous weeks. Ah, a nice relaxing Sunday morning. Cracked open the first beer, wondering if the anger will well up at any second and scuttle my good mood like heartburn after consuming a fast food breakfast sammich. Maybe like a sewage line backing up during a flood. I was going to go to the anti-census protest yesterday but they required us to register on line ahead of time. Those cheeky basterds. I’m no rube. Sure, I may have the curse of farting myself awake from time to time, if by time to time you mean every night But I’m no rube. I’m an entrepreneur who literally sinking tens and tens of dollars into the manufacturing of the adorable Skull Babies for Christmas time. And unlike Cabbage patch kids, which were not made from real cabbage or Sunny Delight which is not made with real sun, I will guaran-dam-tee that each Skull Baby will be made 100% from real skulls. Of course they won’t be polar bear skulls, since I am not going to hunt anything that might actually hurt me. But I’ll tell you this, some seals are going to have quite a headache after I’m done with them. Especially when they have no heads. They don’t bite, do they? I’m stunned that we got an episode nearly entirely anchored in the LAX timeline, and it didn’t suck. But we didn’t have to suffer with Jack, Kate, Sun, and Jacob around, so of course it was our destiny to watch a good episode.
From 6.1 LA X Part One
The LOST co-executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have gone on record saying that there will be no alternate time lines in this series. So, this week must have been confusing for the literalists out there. Seems like these guys may have been honest after all. What we have here are dual timelines. I don’t think they would go to so much trouble to show us what would have happened if the plane never crashed and still continue the complicated story line of Jacob and MIB without a proper resolution, so I have to accept at this time dual realities. If you have narrow stream flowing, literally a stream in the woods, then drop a huge rock in the middle of it, a rock bigger than the stream itself, there is a possibility that the stream will split in two separate forks, and go in two entirely different directions around the boulder. Doesn’t mean that one stream is present reality and the other is the alternate time line. It just means that both forks exist, and both are as equally real. It also doesn’t mean that at some point both forks can’t merge to become one stream again, on the other side of the boulder. Does this end my multiple loop theory. Not at all. This was an explanation for Seasons 1-5. I was expecting Season 6 to be anything goes. As the LAX fork continues, we see many, many differences in details from Season One’s Oceanic 815. Changes have certainly happened, and this time they are blatantly obvious. But a reset has happened, as expected. The Losties land in Los Angeles. What we didn’t anticipate was that the bomb most likely triggered a split in the time stream, and we have that reset, but we also have the Losties in 2007, because Jacob still needs them, and they cannot leave. Nothing is that simple, is it? Comment: While this gives a decent overview of what we are seeing during Season 6, I didn’t have any definite answers as to what the series ending will look like. I have a few ideas now bouncing around in my skull, which I’m sure will leak out.

Desmond wakes up after 3 days of drugs and being unconscious. Somewhere out there, Scott Weiland is jealous. He wakes up to the horror of the Zoe monster. Why can’t we get any halfway decent characters this year? Lennon stunk. Doggen was meh. Zoe sucks. Zoe’s off camera family has entered witness protection programs out of sheer embarrassment. It isn’t impossible to play a scientist and not suck. Seriously. Desmond is told he is no longer in a hospital, which he would not have realized by waking up in what looks more like an airplane hanger than an ICU. Desmond is infuriated and beats Charles Widmore with an IV stand. Widmore’s appearance reminded me a bit of when he showed up to Locke’s bedside in the desert after Locke spun the frozen donkey wheel. Of course, much like with Locke, Widmore will be interested in giving Desmond a job to do. But first, he must tell Desmond that he cannot see Penny nor his son, but both are safe. This does set up a curious angle. Where exactly are the other Humes? Ben shot Desmond (season 5), and Widmore brought Desmond back to the island from the hospital. Desmond had no choice in this decision, throwing away Jacob’s philosophy for now. At this point, I don’t think Widmore is on team Jacob or team MIB or team CoCo. Charles is on team Widmore, as this island seems to have attracted more teams than the NCAA March Madness. Widmore’s goons hold Desmond down. Widmore repeats the same line from Season 5 that was first spoken by Eloise in the Lamppost “The island isn’t done with you yet. Jin is confused by Desmond’s return. Jin would be confused by shadow puppets. The Widmorites are preparing engines and various apparatus for a test of some sort. Tim Tebow recently failed it and his draft stock plummeted. I know we never really saw the full shape and size of the Hydra station before, just bits and pieces, but this looks more like the huge Tempest station than a facility to conduct experiments on polar bears. The testing is proceeding days ahead of schedule. They have bunnies. One rabbit is called Angstrom. Angstrom is a unit of length that is often used to measure the wavelengths of electromagnetic radiation or other scales of wavelengths of light. The test fails. Simmons goes to check on the circuitry, which is another word for two huge bagels standing up in a toaster oven. Some geophysics dummy decides to flip a switch when no one asked him to, and creates the world’s largest microwave burrito. Extra crispy KFC. Simmons is not happy. Or breathing. But he sure would look tasty sitting on a grill with a beer can up his ass. Simmons died doing what he loved doing best, being a insect on a summer night flying into a bug zapper. Simmons Toast Crunch is dead. Desmond sees the dead body and is a wee bit less than thrilled.

Simmons is carried out in something that resembles an empty microwave popcorn baggy. Widmore takes a moment to look him over. I don’t think the island will be healing him any time soon. Desmond is carried inside the bungalow full of electro magnetic generators, a chair, duct tape, and a complimentary beating from some thugs. All the comforts of a 3 star hotel in Camden, NJ. CW: if everything I’ve been told about you is true, you will be fine; then I will ask you to make a sacrifice. Who’s been talking to Charles and specifically about Desmond’s abilities? Does Charles know that Desmond turned the failsafe key and survived? Then has been able to get glimpses of the future, or loops, or whatever? Does Charles know Desmond can leap in time and come back? Well, other than maybe through Daniel’s journal, I don’t know how Charles knows. How many Facebook friends does Charles have? Desmond: what the blood hell do you know about sacrifice? Wrong question, stupid. Desmond, the correct question is “WHAT sacrifice?” You might want to know what he has in store for you. Desmond does not know fully about Widmore’s past, including time Charles spent on the island. CW: my son died on the island (Daniel), my daughter hates me (Penny), and I never met my grandson (young Charlie, Desmond and Penny’s kid). They need Desmond’s help or Penny and his son will be gone forever. You know, I don’t think Smokie has ever scanned Desmond, and despite having Locke’s memories, may not realize what an anomaly Desmond is. The wild card. Jin is still concerned. Boy, he doesn’t have much to do this week, but at least he hasn’t said the S word. CW: that man is the only person in the world that I am aware of that has survived a catastrophic electromagnetic event. Technically, so did Locke and Eko, but technically, they are both dead. That might not be a coincidence. MIB killed Mr Eko, and manipulated the death of John Locke, whose essence he has assumed. CW: I need to know he can do it again. Young Charles Frankenstein pulls the lever, and the bagels get hot and toasty. A bright light, like we saw at the Swan hatch before Desmond turned the key, like we saw when Ben and Locke turned the frozen donkey wheel, but I’m not quite sure if it’s similar to the time travel jump. Is Widmore setting a trap for MIB, or trying to move the island without actually having to leave the island, the side effect suffered by Ben and Locke. Can the island be moved without MIB and Jacob in tow. So that Widmore can claim the island, and MIB claims the world, and neither exists in the same time and space? Thoughts, people. Just random thoughts. Desmond screams for a little while, very likely loses control of his bowels, and is in the LAX airport terminal, looking for his luggage. Hurley tells him to try carousel 4, recognizing that Desmiond was on the plane. Desmond helps Claire with her bag, even offers her a ride, but Claire turns it down, since she has a sixth sense for making the right choice and Kate is only moments away from kidnapping her along with a taxi. Desmond tells Claire that he thinks her baby will be a boy. That’s not all that impressive. You could flip a coin. How about I bet you have a kid with a giant head. Or how about Your baby will be made of polar bear skull and buttons. George Minkowski, the communications officer from the Widmore Freighter in Season 4 is the limo driver for Desmond. He is the guy that couldn’t find a constant and died in time travel just before Desmond almost succumbed to the same fate. George offers to get him anything he needs, including a lady of the evening. Thankfully, Kate the Tramp doesn’t show up. And since it is mentioned that Desmond is not wearing a wedding ring…
From 6.1 LA X Part One
Desmond is on the plane, which is very unexpected. The mention of the word “brother” triggers a recollection in Jack, who queries Desmond if they have met before. Another notable thing about this scene is that Desmond is flashing what appears to be a wedding ring. There is zero way of knowing who he might be married to. Maybe Penny, maybe the girl he was engaged to before running off and joining the monastery, or somebody else.
Comment: This is troubling. Desmond clearly was wearing a ring in the season opener. This episode, we find out he is single. What the fock? Loop or continuity error? Bleeding between timelines?
Desmond is shown into the office of his employer in his office, Charles Widmore, and they share a hug. That was enormously uncomfortable. I’d rather hug a cactus than Charles Widmore. So, Widmore has an LA office. I thought he would be stationed in London still, but it’s different in this time line.

Desmond stares at a model sailboat, the same kind that he used to sail around the world, or at least as far as the island, the boat that was given to him by Libby. Widmore is holding a conversation on the phone regarding getting somebody released from prison. The paintings in Widmore’s office way back in Season 3 kept changing from scene to scene, giving key evidence of looping. This time, they stayed the same, with some question as to whether the frames were changing color, or if they were completely different painting on different walls, but were painting of balanced scales, with a white rock and black rock on either side. On both walls to the left and right of his desk I believe. I really didn’t pay as much attention as there where more interesting things happening. CW: did you know my son is a musician? Well, this must mean Daniel, since as a youngster, he was a piano prodigy. In this reality, Daniel is still playing music. As is Jack’s son. Widmore’s son put together a concert of classical music and EMO rock, with Drive Shaft, Charlie Pace’s band. Drive Shaft needs to play or Charles Widmore’s wife (Eloise) will destroy him. Huh. Is Charles taking figuratively or literally? Desmond agrees to babysit Charlie. CW is really laying it on thick: I can trust you, you really have the life, no family, no commitments, free of attachments. Desmond: I’m a blessed man. CW: A drink to your indispensability. He pours out the 60 year old McCutcheon’s scotch. CW: Nothing is too good for you. You know, we get it. We remember that Desmond wasn’t good enough for a swallow of the Scotch before. Now, the writers just laid it on super heavy, the complete opposite of what happened in the other reality to an absurd level. I had to cringe at the lack of subtlety. This show is being written by 3 year olds. Desmond walks up the steps of the courthouse, and looks at the reflection of himself in the glass pane of the front doors. A mirror angle again, as in all the LAX episodes. Charlie has been released, and this kid has a death wish. He strolls out into traffic, an unlike Nadia, manages to avoid being road kill. Charlie doesn’t give a fock about dying right now. When Desmond jumped into his previous life in Season 3, and asked for Widmore’s blessing for marrying Penny, he was rejected and walked outside the building. Charlie was on the sidewalk, playing the Oasis song Wonderwall, with the lyrics “whose gonna be the one to save me”. As of today, I wouldn’t be surprised if the real Oasis is singing on street corners too. This triggered Desmond’s memory. “Hey, don’t I know you? You were on the island too.” Charlie doesn’t remember. However, he was the catalyst to Desmond’s memories of another life. Desmond and Charlie are drinking in a bar. Desmond defends his status of being a lackey by saying he makes a lot of money and meets charming people. Charlie: Are you happy? No, you’re not. Have you ever been in love? This is sounding more and more like a typical awful George Clooney movie.
From 6.10 The Package
Which characters on this show have been able to hold onto their relationship in both time lines? Maybe Rose and Bernard? We don’t know about Desmond and Penny. Anyone?
Comment: I thought there was something odd happening with the love angle overall, but it might be even more important that anticipated. It was this episode.
Charlie talks about the plane, the US Marshall making him for carrying drugs, hiding in the bathroom, hitting turbulence, choking on a big bag of heroin, things going dark, slipping away into an abyss, then seeing a woman, they are together, always have been, will be, feeling of love, and then seeing a sodding idiot asking me if I’m OK. Sure, it always makes me happy to see people call Jack an idiot. But Charlie went into a detailed speech about Claire. It’s as if Charlie has taken the red Matrix pill, and is seeing through this timelines bullsh!!t. As if the characters are living some kind of fake existence, while the real world is back on the island, or somewhere else entirely. This timeline is just all wrong. Charlie: I’ve seen the truth. Desmond gives Charlie a choice: stay here and drink and watch his music career be exterminated, or come with Desmond and have the powerful Widmore owe him a favor. Charlie: that’s not much of a choice. Desmond: there is always a choice. I wonder if the characters at the end of the show will have a choice, to stay on the island, or live in Matrix world. You all everybody is playing on the radio, and I want that car to drive off a bridge. I hate that song anymore. Well, just my luck, it doesn’t take long for the car to obey my mind control. But please notice, the marina/pier that Desmond and Charlie drive off of is the exact same one that is the background of the photo that Desmond and Penny photo has, the famous picture that Desmond carries with him all over the island, the one that Naomi had in her possession. Creepy, huh? Charlie: I offer you a choice: get out of the car, or I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You might have thought that Charlie hit the gas pedal, but it turns out the car was a Toyota. As both Desmond and Charlie are facing a near death experience, Desmond is struggling to open the door to free Charlie. Charlie opens his eyes, creepily turns his head to the window of the car, and hold up his palm to the glass. Desmond sees simultaneous image of the Charlie death scene from the Looking Glass and “Not Penny’s Boat” written on his hand and this very moment. Desmond finally gets the door open, surfaces with Charlie, and pulls him to shore. When Desmond was saving Charlie’s life over and over, was it within loops, or simply different timelines? He was able to see his deaths on different tracks in different timelines, not that they were reliving the same timeline over and over. Hmm. That would be a game changer for my theories.

Desmond is being examined by a doctor in the hospital. He is being treated for a concussion and needs an MRI. As he is being strapped in, he is given a panic button. “Try not to press it, or we start all over again.” What the hell does that mean? A sly eference to pushing the button in the hatch, and everything starts over again every 108 minutes? A reference to loops? Hell, a reference to the fail safe key? I don’t know. As the MRI starts to bombard Desmond with radiation and recognition, Desmond panics at the memories of Penny and needs to be removed from the machine. Desmond is trying to get Charlie’s room number from a grumpy nurse, but she is having none of it. Hey, there’s Jack, let’s ask him. Jack is as understanding and helpful as if you were talking to a Pepsi machine. Charlie runs by like a 80 year old woman at a retirement home that simply does not want to wear any clothing and doesn’t want to be caught by the nurse chasing her with a robe. Maybe they were checking Charlie’s prostate, and he is still muling some heroin which he does not want to give up to the authorities. Desmond chases Charlie down several flights of stairs and corners him in a corner. Desmond: why were you trying to kill me? Charlie: I was trying to show you something, you saw something in the water, you felt it, none of this matters, just that we felt it, you should start looking for Penny. The takeaways: Charlie is able to see that this timeline is not important and simply fake. Thank God we didn’t see Charlie’s ass from the hole in the back of the gown. Charlie should get back on the heroin. Still, Charlie is again the guy that brings Desmond forward into an important phase of the end game of the show.

Desmond calls Widmore and declares that Charlie won’t be able to make it. Widmore doesn’t seem to care at all that Desmond almost died, but that Mrs. Widmore was going to kill him. Wow. In one time line, Charles is fighting the supernatural MIB, planning assaults on an island with commandos, and ransacking graves. In this timeline, he doesn’t want to upset his wife. Desmond is tasked with giving his wife the bad news. When Desmond arrives at the event, we see Eloise Hawking giving the staff a hard time. She is not only Charles’ wife, but she apparently has the time in her schedule to course correct the placement of a butter knife in a place setting, and spin a wondrous bouquet of cotton candy and glue it to the top of her head. Has she been standing in a wind tunnel all day? Did a sheep climb on top of her skull and fall asleep? Has she been known to yell “Off with their head!!!” at rabbits. Has she recently stuck her tongue into an electric socket? Does she get hair fashion tips from the Jersey Shore? Did Los Angeles recently have a purge of all hair conditioner factory workers? Desmond tells the Baroness of Bouffant that Drive Shaft will not be attending. She replies “don’t worry about it” which is so improbable of Eloise in any timeline, that even Desmond can’t accept the answer initially. It’s a malfunction in Desmond’s head, like the Matrix was so perfectly constructed, that humans initially rejected it. In fact, Eloise goes so far as to say employing rock stars brings with it an unpredictability. Again, something Eloise would not say. She is a precise woman and almost always knows what is going on, save for that one moment in the hospital after Desmond got shot by Ben. She is acting like the exact opposite of her other timeline self. For now. She further throws in a “Whatever happened, happened”, beating us over the head with yet another repetition of a well known phrase. As Desmond is walking away from the event tent, he overhears a conversation regarding the guest list. He catches the name “Penny Milton” and immediately stops to question it. Eloise says he absolutely cannot see the guest list, it is confidential. Why would he need to if he just heard the name. Penny Milton. There it is. What, you can’t spell it? Who cares? Just go and hang out by parking lot and keep asking every woman that arrives if her name is Penny. Eloise hackles are raised. Are you questioning me? That gave me an image of Beavis pulling his T-shirt over his head and giving his standard Bungholio character “Are you threatening me?” speech in many cartoon misadventures. Although you would need a termite tent to pull something over that Hawking hair. EH: Come with me.
From 6.10 The Package
Keamy proceeds to tape up Jin and go on a long rambling speech, given to someone who doesn’t understand English. Keamy: Just in case you forgot what’s about to happen on the island, can’t have you freaking out.” Say what? I rewound, and rewound, and rewound. This was dialogue that looked spliced in at the “island” part, and consider that sentence. Here is Keamy talking about strapping Jin in because of what’s going to happen on the island. Freighter exploding, perhaps, that threw Jin into the water? It’s as if Keamy knows stuff, super secret stuff. Or the two timelines are bleeding together, and this was some kind of merging point. But this is definitely 2004, not the current 2007 that the Losties and various other groups are a part of. Very, very odd...
From 6.10 The Package
W: Everybody would simply cease to be. Interesting choice of words. Not “die” but “cease to be”. Almost like saying you can die in one time line, but cease to be in many timelines. Maybe. As we’ve speculated in the past, especially around the time Sayid shot Ben in the heart, and the wound in the next episode was two feet away in another part of his chest. The island is an intersection of timelines, a merging, a very powerful point the many worlds that exist. The actions here affect many lives and many versions of the same lives. Maybe I’m just having another Mr Drinky McDrinkalot moment. Loops still happen, I’m almost sure. Comment: Eloise Hawking is becoming a key bit of evidence of loops or multiple timelines or other such shenanigans. Not only does Eloise have super special powers, I think all of this, not just off island stuff, not necessarily having anything to do with Jacob vs MIB, but has something to do with Eloise trying to manipulate events into a timeline where she doesn't shot and kill her own son, Daniel. She has gone to great lengths to course correct and manipulate events to some end, and at this point I seriously doubt it's to help either Jacob or MIB. She may very well have fooled Widmore into helping by dangling a carrot of ruling the island or some other side benefit coming from harnessing the negatively charged matter inhabiting the island. Maybe Widmore is acting with full knowledge because Daniel was his son too. Eloise is trying to keep Desmond away from Daniel, Penny's half sister, which becomes an issue of simple proximity when you are dating the half sibling of someone. Daniel and Desmond are forever linked as constants through multiple timelines and/or loops. And Eloise knows it, from reading Daniel's journal, which was brought to the island before the Incident.
Daniel is watching in the background as his mother is scolding Desmond. Eloise: stop talking Hume, I want you to stop, someone has clearly affected the way you see things (Matrix), this is a problem, in fact a violation, whatever it is you think you are doing, whatever it is you are looking for, you need to stop looking for it. Desmond is looking a bit stunned. Eloise is very aware of this timeline, other timelines, and is unhappy that Desmond is becoming aware too. A violation of the rules, and we still haven’t seen the bloody rule book. Eloise continues: I don’t know why you are looking for anything, you have the perfect life, you’ve managed to attain what you’ve wanted more than anything, the approval of Charles Widmore. Desmond: How do you know what I want? Eloise: Because I bloody do. This is a familiar theme to this show this season, as Jacob, MIB, and now Eloise are either making or talking about the one thing that a person wants most. Sayid and Nadia, Sawyer and leaving the island, Claire and Aaron, Richard and immortality, now Desmond and Widmore’s blessing. I’m not so sure that is what he most desires, as you would think Penny would supersede Charles Widmore. Then again, Desmond could have gone off with Penny many different times, but he chose to enter the boat race, for example, rather than go and marry Penny. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. Eloise and Charles have been pushing Desmond in the other timeline constantly into specific situations. Eloise in Season 3 prevented Desmond from proposing to Penny. She sat on a bench outside of a ring store with Desmond and a bag of chestnuts, predicting the death of a man with red shoes, and watching as part of a construction site rained down on him. She said she couldn’t have stopped it. But how did she know in the first place that this was about to happen. Knowledge of loops? Sure? But the thought that she could have constructed a time line itself simply never dawned on me until this episode. It’s a possibility, in a logic defying sort of way. Eloise is living her “what do you want more than anything” moment by trying to save Daniel in another timeline. Desmond: Why can’t I see that list? Eloise: You are not ready yet, Desmond. Ready for what? Some kind of showdown with MIB on the island. Something off island? We know what Charles is working ahead of schedule on Hydra, and the two timelines seemed to be more connected with each passing episode. Seems almost like a double meaning, referring to the manifest list that Desmond will request in a little while. Desmond does what anybody else would do, and choke out Eloise. Or maybe he goes and wants to get drunk in his fancy car. No such luck in either case, as Daniel Widmore interrupts. So, in this timeline, Daniel, Eloise, and Charles have the same last name. In the other timeline, Penny and Charles share the last name of Widmore, but you also get Daniel Faraday and Eloise Hawking. The genealogy tree is more shuffled.

Daniel: do you believe in love at first site? So, am I to assume that over the next few weeks, LOST will be rolling out the concepts of déjà vu, life flashing before your eyes before you die, and day light savings time. Daniel is pie in the sky. At the museum where half the cast of LOST now apparently works at or visits (Miles, Dr Chang, Charlotte, Daniel), Daniel saw Charlotte eating a chocolate bar and knew that she was the one. Good thing she wasn’t eating soup, or Daniel might have thought she was a demon and tried to exorcise her evil spirits by beating her skull in with a hammer. Which would also work on grandma if she won’t give up the remote and insists on watching Wheel of Fortune. Too many hammer references? I can’t help it if I’d like to pet a fluffy bunny with a mallet. Daniel: it was like I already loved her. Daniel hasn’t even kissed this girl in two timelines. He is officially a multiple timeline stalker. How about this one, Daniel?
From 6.8 Recon
Still, odd that Charlotte was in Sawyer’s episode. But I guaran-dam-tee that in some plane of existence, Daniel Faraday is howling with rage…Fast forward, and Sawyer is lying in bed, snuggling with something that was fished out of a lake about 2 months after being dumped. Or a naked Charlotte. Who can tell the difference? Somewhere, Daniel is screaming Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!
So, how’s them Love At First Site apples taste, Daniel? I have no idea why I find Daniel’s misfortune so focking funny. Daniel: That night, I woke up and wrote this, I’m a musician, a friend said it was quantum mechanics, incredibly complex, something catastrophic is about to happen, the only way to stop it is to release a great deal of energy, to set off a nuclear bomb. That’s a really long description for I touched myself thinking about Charlotte. But Daniel is having other blood flow issues, specifically bleeding between the timelines. Sure he had a gift as a musician in the other time line, which Eloise put an end to and told him to study physics and math. Again, this timeline is almost like a Make a Wish Foundation timeline, but without the messy dying thing for the most part. Keamy and Omar have died a lot recently. Daniel is feeling this crossover without a near death experience like Desmond and Charlie. Daniel is feeling it through infatuation. Daniel: What if this wasn’t supposed to be our life, we changed things, I don’t want to set off a bomb, but I think I already did, why did you ask about Penny, you felt it didn’t you, you felt love. Daniel is really piling on the love angle. Again, Desmond felt Penny while almost drowning and then having his head microwaved for the umpteenth time. I agree that Daniel was not supposed to set off the bomb, and it’s something that really needs to be corrected. Take that Jack and your stupid “this is our destiny” from Season 5. The actions have to be corrected through Desmond. What if this wasn’t supposed to be our life? That pretty much sums up the LAX timeline. This is what shouldn’t be. Very poignant stuff from Daniel. Following the truth bombs from Eloise. This episode is just so full of higher concepts, my head is hurting from thinking about them. Desmond thinks Penny is an idea, but Daniel corrects him that she is his half sister, something we have assumed since Season 5. Daniel even knows where Penny is right now, making me wonder if there are enough hours in the day for all the stalking that Daniel does. Back to the stadium from Season 2, where Jack was running up and down the steps, and is overtaken by an in-training Desmond. The words “see you in another life, brother” have never been more appropriate. However, this time, it’s Penny running the steps. Now, Desmond looks like Stalky McStalkalot. There are more stalks in this episode than a Bloody Mary bar. Are you Penny? I’m Desmond. Help, police. Back on the island, Desmond wakes up with a tan. He’s only been unconscious for a few seconds, but he’s traveled through the wonders of space and seen other life inhabiting planets which would have been provable until James Woods erases 18 hours of space travel footage. Widmore: I’m sorry, but your talent is vital to our mission. Desmond: It’s alright, I understand, you said I’m here to do something important, when do we start? As we can theorize, a person can travel back and forth in time, like a train on tracks. Back and forth. It sure seems like Desmond has traveled every possible stretch of the train tracks. And every possible train in every possible timeline. Desmond seems awfully zen-like, like an all knowing and understanding being. He sees what needs to be done, and is prepared to do it. Widmore talked of sacrifice earlier, but if Desmond knows his sacrifice now, such as possibly luring the MIB into an electromagnetic based trap on the main island in an effort to trap/destroy MIB, will lead to Penny and little Charlie to live on happily in some timeline, Desmond is prepared to do it. He has seen how his life in LAX is unhappy. Zoe, a couple of redshirts, and Desmond go for a stroll through the jungle. Zoe: what happened? I swear, Zoe is Meg Griffin from Family Guy. Before Zoe can give Desmond his instructions for his upcoming activities, Sayid jumps out, breaks a couple of necks, and tells Zoe to run. Dam it. Why didn’t you kill Meg? And how many thugs does Widmore have left, as they seem to be dying off rather quickly. Sayid: Come with me, these people are dangerous. The Desmond Dali Lama follows Sayid. At what point of all this boat travel from island to island will we see who shot at Locke, Juliet, Sawyer, Miles, Charlotte, Daniel from Season 5 and the time traveling? Not sure if Desmond’s decision to follow Sayid was purely self preservation, or a strategic move based on what he knows from the brain fry he just experienced. At the stadium, Desmond has collapsed in front of Penny. Desmond has a penchant for passing out more frequently than a hot chick in a bar full of men with bulging pockets full of Roofies. Penny: Have we met before? She seems to have the same recognition thing going as Daniel did. Desmond asks Penny out for coffee. This is precisely what Juliet was talking about in the Swan hatch rubble this season when she was dying in Sawyer’s arms. She mumbled something about getting coffee sometime. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Desmond and Penny set a date to meet in an hour. As Desmond settles into his limo, Minkowski asks if he found what he was looking for? Interesting phrasing. Desmond asks George to secure the manifest from flight Oceanic 815, just the names of the passengers, because he needs to show them something. How Desmond expects a limo driver to get this kind of information…let’s suspend disbelief for now. Why would you not want to know the flight crew? Anyway, this echoes Hurley’s census on the island from Season 1, in reviewing the manifest. In this case, Desmond feels that they all share a common bond, and wants to see if they all can capture that feeling that is spreading more rapidly than Captain Tripps. The bleeding of the timelines is becoming a burst artery.

Happy with the episode, not happy that we are getting good episodes about every other week. We can still salvage this Season but the folks running LOST are running out of time. I’m assuming we get a Hurley episode next week. So expect to see a bunch of people we haven’t seen yet this season, as the LOST reunion tour continues.

6.10 The Package

2010-04-09T13:54:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. I thoroughly enjoy doing these writeups/recaps/rants following an episode that is fun, interesting, entertaining, worth rewatching several times. I can’t begin to explain how disappointed I was in this episode; I could barely get through it twice. Of course, it was the follow up to the epic Richard episode, so I went in with the lowest of expectations, and this cesspool of a suckfest didn’t come close to meeting that limbo stick. Yet another lollygagging waste of our time. I am done with any and all preview announcement or next week on LOST clips on Tuesday morning. I need a completely blank slate. As far as I’m concerned, this show ended with Juliet smashing the bomb at the bottom of the Swan shaft. I have to try to ignore this Season 6 like I try to do with the last seasons of Alias and X Files, episodes tacked onto the back of a cannon of overall goodness which does nothing but besmirch all the positiveness of the overall work. Many, many people want to simply give lip service and proclaim all is well, the show is as magnificent as ever. At the same time, I pledge to continue to tilt at windmills, fighting the unwinnable arguments. Jack is the most despicable character in TV history. I get physically ill when he opens his Forrest Gump mouth. I found a tomater. Derrrr. Life is like a box of tomaters. You never know when your wife is gonna die of AIDS. If Jack is to be the protector of the island and the world, I strongly recommend that the world cease to exist. I cannot live with the thought that Jack is some kind of savior. I have such a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach about the ending of this show. And let’s not forget that we have a scant handful of episodes remaining, and not much to show for it. Remember the hectic pace of Seasons 4 and 5, as is kept ratcheting up and up until spectacular volcanic season finales. Well, that makes two of us, because the LOST people sure don’t. Fock. This isn’t exactly going to be insightful or fun this week, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, I could spend hours making light of Widmore’s package, a playful use of words to describe old man balls. What’s the point? Higher expectations lead to greater results. Or it used to be like that. On with my weekly horsesh!!t. On yeah, no more LOST on replay on our cable system. Instead, I get to rewatch it on ABC on the internets while the stream freezes a couple of dozen times as I continue to tilt at computer virus windmills. For I am the Man of La Mensa. And Jack is the Man of La MushForBrains. Our brand new poll of Top 5 Worst Characters on LOST. Or inverse rank of intelligence. Either way.
5. Jacob
4. Sun
3. Kate
2. Old Stubborn Tomato
1. Jack.

Someone is using night vision goggles to spy on MIB’s camp, instead of a woman’s locker room. Let me be more specific. A woman’s locker room that is not affiliated with the WNBA in any way whatsoever. Yucky. So, the Widmorites have invaded LOST island. But, hasn’t MIB been pretty perceptive in nearly immediately greeting visitors to the island. He showed up fairly quickly to greet the Losties day one, the French people day one, and the Black Rock day one. Are you telling me he didn’t know the Widmorites were hanging around, watching him? Weak. Kate and Sawyer are sharing some cocoa. At least they’ve relegated Kate to a non persona. Truly, a silver lining in a bank of thunderheads. Jin is re-bandaging his leg, although MIB seems to think the air will do it some good. Some medicine might help, but I’m not a doctor. Again, I keep going back to the same point, how exactly do people heal quicker on the island. It’s not MIB or Jacob doing it, for the most part. Sawyer shared the cave information with Jin. MIB reemphasizes to us the viewer for the 17th time that he has no idea if the uncrossed off candidate name Kwon means Jin or Sun. Frankly, we just don’t care anymore. So, MIB claims that his master plan is to gather all the remaining candidates and leave the island with them. I suppose it makes some sense, in that there can be no replacement for Jacob if MIB wants to carry out whatever plan he has that he HASN’T shared with us. Another week, another episode without learning MIB’s name. I’m losing interest in that too. Jin’s money at the airport didn’t clear customs.
From 6.6 Sundown
Also, take note that Keamy is wearing a flashy watch, a watch that some Korean gentleman we know was taking to Los Angeles to deliver to an associate of Mr Paik’s. Sayid discovers Jin in a walk in fridge. Why is Jin tied up? Well, to speculate, Jin had trouble getting cash through customs at the airport. If they kept the cash at the airport, maybe Keamy was expecting a watch and the cash, maybe to receive for Widmore. But Jin shows up with no cash. Knucklehead Keamy figures Jin stole it, Jin can’t explain in English what happened, and Jin is tied up.
Not a shocker. To get the money back and avoid a big hassle, all Jin has to do is fill out some paperwork. But much like me and the census, Jin has no time to such paperwork nonsense. It would be nice if Sun knew some English, but this version of Sun apparently does not. So, I suppose she never had that affair with Jae Lee, her English tutor in Korea. Jin missed his meeting at the restaurant and has no idea what the cash he was asked to deliver was for. He is still a loyal employee, doing whatever Sun’s father, Mr. Paik, tells him. While they check into a hotel, we learn that Jin and Sun ask for separate rooms because they are not married. Was this supposed to be a Gotcha moment, or at least interesting. Yawn. MIB has an errand to run, and asks Sayid to keep an eye on camp while he is gone. Sayid doesn’t seem to understand Yes, boss, or Right away, boss, but responds that he doesn’t feel anything. I know exactly how Sayid feels as this episode unfolds. He doesn’t feel anger, happiness, pain. OK, I take that not feeling part of me back. I sure do feel some of those. Specifically anger and pain. I don’t feel happiness until bullets start flying in the restaurant. MIB: Maybe it’s best, to get through what is coming. I muster some hope that many of the main characters are going to die soon. Alas, not soon enough. As Jin is packing up, Sawyer tries to talk him out of it, mentioning his deal with Widmore. Jin is more interested in finding his wife, since he hasn’t seen her since Season 4, and he has needs. Hell, it’s been 3 years in Dharma a few other random weeks, and Sawyer doesn’t have his magazines with him. Darts come flying out, as Widmorites attack, and we have a scene reminiscent of one of many, many purges on the show. Instead of killing some of these acolytes, which would be smart, Widmorites take only Jin.

Frank and Miles are playing the worst strip poker game in history on the beach. Is there any other reason for poker cards? I can’t think of another game you can play with poker cards. Ben: now what? So, the man who said that he always has a plan, doesn’t have any plan. What the fock did they do to Ben’s character? Ben is worthless and rather lobotomized. What, you turned a ruthless cavalier into comedy relief? Yuck. Ilana says that Richard is coming back. I have a feeling that men’s pink sweater vest turtlenecks are coming back before Richard. But what do I know? Ben is skeptical as Miles speaks about Hurley chasing bacon grease throughout the jungle. Truth be told, if Hurley can smell about 150 years into the past, he could pick up the scent of Richard covered in roasted boar grease and failure. Ilana says they need to wait; Sun throws down the gauntlet, otherwise better known as a mango and a knife, and walks away without speaking. Thank God for the not speaking part. It’s bad enough she is annoying when speaking English; it will be suicide inducing to hear her jabbering in Korean and subtitles how much she needs to find Jin. Sun makes her way back to her old garden from 3 years ago, and decides to harvest some weeds in a very angry way. Jack goes to talk to her. He mentions that didn’t it feel like 100 years ago something, something. Look, if you don’t want to discuss loops, then make the characters stop dropping hints about it. Jack starts a grandiose speech about candidates and visiting Jacob’s lighthouse and mirrors and names and Sun rightfully interrupts and explains that she just doesn’t give a fock. She doesn’t care about their purpose or their destiny, she just wants to be left alone. Jin knocks on Sun’s hotel room. Sun doesn’t understand American custom and assumes that no one will be at the restaurant at 11: 30 so Jin can deliver the watch and empty box where the money should have been. She has never heard of the late night drive thru window. Jin accuses Sun of being in America for a shopping trip. Hmm, that 25 grand would come in handy for something like that. Sun explains that no one could possibly be watching them, especially on the plane, and starts a strip tease. Do you want me to button it? If it’s your mouth, yes, yes, a hundred times yes. Sun carries a certain arrogance with her in this time line, as if she is proud to be daddy’s rich little girl. Hey, what could possibly go wrong? You work for my father, and he is an important man. As Sun continues to destroy her sorry excuse for a garden and manages to cut herself, MIB pops out. MIB: I found your husband, as I promised you. You have to hand it to masquerading Locke, he kept his word. MIB offers to take Sun to Jin. Bingo. Sun has gotten what she wanted. Or not. NOW, Sun decides that she doesn’t believe someone. Sun: you killed people at the Temple. Pshaw. Sun didn’t even know anybody at the Temple, so what’s the bloody difference? MIB, noticeably without a knife hole in his shirt, “Those people were confused, they were lied to, I didn’t want to hurt them, they could have chosen to come with me, I would never ask you to do something against your will. A pretty compelling argument actually. Sun decides that she’s had about enough of the truth, and runs away. MIB for whatever reason does not turn into the faster mode of transportation as Smoke Monster, and chases Sun on foot. Sun, wait.

MIB is in hot pursuit. He is craving a Diablo sandwich and a Dr Pepper. And you better make is fast, cause he is in a God-dammed hurry. Sun makes the classic blunder of running and turns to look over her shoulder at her pursuer. Unfortunately for her, Sun trips over the “V” logo and runs face first into a rather thick tree branch. Whoo Hoo. Nice. Also, ABC just decided that they were going to cover over part of the screen at all times to promote the stupid V show, which was particularly offensive when Sun is writing something down at the end of the episode, and you can’t freaking see it. A pox on those who made this decision. Jin and Sun wake up in bed together. Sun gets the notion of running away together since she has some money socked away. In the island time line, Sun originally was going to run away by herself. Jin is less than impressed with the plan, and says as much. Sun has something to tell Jin, when a knock on the door interrupts the conversation. Left unsaid was that Sun is pregnant, but I doubt there is much of a guarantee that it’s Jin’s baby. While Jin hides, Sun takes a really long look at a mirror and seems troubled by what she sees. Yeah, a friggin’ monster. We get it, all the characters look in a mirror in the LAX timeline. You don’t have to be quite so obvious. Martin Keamy is at the door, back from the dead, and as quirky as ever. He’s a friend of Sun’s father so he simply invites himself in. Again, we see no evidence that Sun understands any English. It’s bit of a room invasion, if you will. Back on the island, Ben finds the semi conscious Sun, and there is no evidence that she can speak English any more, a mirror of the other timelne. MIB returns to his camp, and is somewhat concerned that his followers were attacked. It was fairly pronounced that there was a significant amount of white smoke wafting just over the bodies. Sure, it could have simply been the result of smoldering camp fires. Or something more significant. The first person MIB goes to is Sayid. Sayid is no help, as he is just as aware of what happened as he is whether he just took a dump in his pants. He feels nothing, you know. It may be slowly dawning on MIB that he may need to poke Sayid a few times a day with a stick so he doesn’t get bed sores. Jin is being held prisoner in Room 23, the brain washing room on Hydra island that Kate and Sawyer and Alex rescued Karl from back in Season 3. Looking for a way out, Jin turns off the lights. This is not Jin’s finest hour in using his wits. Yeah, that’s going to work, turning off the lights. He gets a blast of brainwashing projection, in between images. Think about your life. We are the cause of our own suffering. Everything changes. The lights come back on and the milquetoast Zoe steps out into the room. Why is this annoying person on my TV screen. Zoe stinks and I don’t like her. She explains that Dharma was doing experiments on subliminal messages in here. Fine, but when Karl was strapped down in this room, A Clockwork Orange style, there were plenty of Jacob messages being broadcast. So the Others were doing their share of brainwashing too. Include this in mysteries I didn’t care about and answers that waste our time. We already knew enough about Room 23. Really, we did. Zoe accuses Jin of knowing all about Dharma before tasering him trying to leave. She shows him some old grid maps that included identifying marks of electro magnetic pockets of energy and Jin’s signature. Jin certainly does not deny any of this. Jin was using grid maps to search for other Losties for a while in 1974-1977, and he was a very mobile part of LaFleur’s security team. Why Jin was busy with identifying the negatively charged matter pockets, I’m not sure. Jin is granted an audience with Charles Widmore. MIB gives Sayid a mission to go to Hydra island, armed. Without skipping a beat, MIB addresses a forlorn Courtney Love. What’s wrong Claire? C: you told Jin that his name is on the cave wall and need to take him off the island. Is my name on the wall? MIB answers No. However, I have to wonder since #313 is Littleton, and could very well be Claire, though the name is crossed off. Claire is feeling neglected and insecure, a bit like Karen from Goodfellas. MIB reassures her that he needs her, there is plenty of room on the plane. Claire is concerned that her son Aaron, who has the shape of a lollipop, because his head is enormous, won’t know who she is. Well, considering he has been cared for by Claire, Kate, Grandma Littleton, and possibly Claire again, I can’t imagine why he would think he is living in a lesbian cult. Is Kate on the wall? Psst, yes, she is. #51. MIB stumbles over his response. No, er, not anymore. Well, she isn’t crossed out at the Lighthouse. We never saw her name at the cave at all. MIB needs her, she can help him recruit the 3 other candidates from Jacob’s followers, Jack Hurley and Sun. After that, whatever happens, happens. MIB is using the same Faraday phrase that was all the rage last season. Repetition. Sawyer questions why MIB can’t turn into smoke and float to the other island. MIB: Don’t you think if I could, I would? Hold on, this makes no sense. MIB has been established as a guy that can be in two places at once, and has traveled back and forth between islands by boat. But he can’t cross the ocean in smoke form? Really? So, then how does he appear to Jack as Christian in the hospital in the flashfowards? How does he appear as Christian to Michael on the freighter? This does not make sense. The actual ghosts of these people are appearing around the world? How did he get over to Hydra to purge Ajira without floating? Sawyer: yeah, that would be ridiculous. Much the same as the writing. OK, so we have just established that Smokie can’t travel over water…well, sometimes he can, but let’s ignore that. This is why I pull hair out of my head. MIB tries to pretend he is doing a noble thing and getting one of our people back. Dammit. MIB is now acting as whiny as Jacob.

Sun gives the watch to Keamy. It is now established that Jin is Sun’s bodyguard in this timeline. I don’t know if that is any better than working as Mr Paik’s special assistant. I don’t know if that is any better than weighing polar bear sh!!t on Hydra island. Keamy’s henchman Omar puts in another LOST appearance, and both chuckleheads spot 2 wine glasses near the bed. While it’s true that this is an obvious plot device in many TV shows and movies in revealing that more than one person is in the room, if Sun was let’s say a drunkard that wants multiple glasses around his place so that no matter where he wanders off to, say the toiler or fridge or back to the toilet, there is always a drink awaiting my return wherever I go. I have about 18 drinks in my house at any given time, not including drinks spilled on the floor, which require a straw instead. And I haven’t had a guest over in a decade. FACE. They quickly find Jin hiding in the bathroom. It would have been a much more civilized hiding spot if there was a drink waiting for Jin. “Where iz za money, Lebowski?” Keamy shows an appreciation for great cinema with an observation that this is a friggin’ Godzilla movie. And he means the Matthew Broderick sh!!tstorm. Keamy wants to bring in translator Mikhail, Danny’s friend. Don’t let the reference to Danny pass you by. Danny was the Other that was pounding the crap out of Sawyer at the polar bear cages. His wife Colleen was shot and killed by Sun on Desmond’s sailboat at the start of Season 3. Anyway, Mikhail speaks 9 languages, which is pretty impressive. He also has two peepers, which is off putting. He translates to Keamy about the money being held up at customs. The plan is for Sun to go to the bank with Mikhail, and Jin to go to the restaurant with everybody else. They could have decided to go to customs and fill out the paperwork, but that is too boring. Well, more boring that this episode at least. Jin shows a sudden impulsive side, in other words a stupid side. J: Don’t tell Mr Paik about us. Yeah, because that isn’t going to lead to blackmail, dummy. Keamy is now doing a borderline Christopher Walken impression. Don’t worry. You’re secret is safe with me. Given how Keamy is an uncaring thug, not willing to give Sayid’s brother a break, what are the odds that Keamy is going to be tightlipped for Jin? Pffft. Ricky Martin asked Keamy not the spill the beans on his sexual orientation, but we all knew he was a princess about 10 years ago, so that didn’t work out too well either. Ilana is giving Ben a hard time about finding Sun in the jungle. Ben protests his innocence. Miss Sassy Pants invited Ben to be part of the group. Now, she is casting aspersions on her buddy. Just for disrespecting Ben like that, I want her to be the next one that dies. What has become of our used-to-be favorite maniac Ben? He is now arguably the most useless character on either island, with the possible exception of Skull Baby, Zack, and Emma. Oh, I take that back. I would never insult Skull Baby like that. Skull Baby is the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas, and the snake’s hip. Jack reasons that she hit her head, forgot how to talk English, it’s not unusual but temporary, and Sun will be OK. This is as convincing as Harvey Keitel’s You’re gonna be OK speech from Reservoir Dogs, just before somebody lost an ear and got doused in gasoline. Miss Gloomy Gus breaks into some kind of face contortion that is part Jack O’Lantern grin, part grimace. And by grimace, I mean that stupid fat purple puppet for some God forsaken fast foot place. I originally meant fast food, but somehow foot seemed more of a realistic food critique. Richard is back. I have to give the blithering idiot some credit. He has done the nearly impossible on LOST island. Put together a couple of facts to think up a plan of action. I mean, we could watch the Losties eat mangos for the next 6 episodes and have the series end….ah…on second thought, I pray that nobody important read that, especially a LOST writer, and a light bulb just popped up over his/her head. MIB arrives by boat at the Hydra, where the pylons are up and running. It doesn’t seem realistic that they brought enough to surround the entire island, but there must have been enough awkward, crappy looking props to surround the plane (just past the trees at the edge of the beach), the brainwashing barrack, and other strategic locations. I don’t see how it would be possible to surround the submarine. I don’t know how a slight ocean breeze doesn’t knock over a row. Some shots are fired at MIB, and unlike the fate suffered by Bram and his goons at the statue foot at the start of this season, MIB does not turn into Smoke upon being provoked. MIB declares that he comes in peace. Widmore comes out to have a chat. Each character goes through a “Do you know who I am?” self indulgent pat on the back. CW: Everything I know is myth, ghost stories, and jungle noises in the night. MIB thinks Charles knows more than he lets on, using the pylons as an example. Widmore denies taking Jin. Is kidnapping a candidate against the rules? And isn’t Widmore taking an awfully large gamble that Jin is the right Kwon to begin with? If Sun is the right person, then MIB could very well be able to gather all the right candidates anyway. Shouldn’t Widmore’s group have taken Jin and maybe Kate or Sawyer? Just to be sure. If you are going to recruit, you might as well grab as many as you can. No, Widmore has more mysterious motives than he is letting on. He is much more concerned with the island and it’s energy than MIB’s escape, I think. He can claim differently, the proof will be in the pudding. MIB throws Widmore’s own words, spoken to John Locke, right at him. “A wise man once said that a war was coming to this island. Well, consider it broughtened.” They have trouble establishing a time for their cheerleading competition, but promise to post at each other’s Facebook page. Richard hatches his plan. Since MIB is headed to the Hydra island, and that is where the Ajira plane is, and MIB wants to leave the island, they need to destroy the plane. Sigh.
From 6.8 Recon
…and gives him hope of flying off the island. Sawyer never stops to think how much open land they would need to taxi a plane, get rolling, and actually take off. There is no way Frank is going to get the Ajira plane off the ground. No way. Plus, when they landed, a branch went through the windshield and shish kabobbed the co-pilot to death. I don’t think there is a Plane Windshield hatch on the island, so that plane is just a bigger waste of space than Zach.
Sun is less than pleased by the thought of destroying the only thing that can get them off the island. Unless you consider the sub, a raft, rebuilding the Black Rock, the outrigger canoe, and the various boats the Others have/had, including Desmond’s sailboat. Oh, and the frozen donkey wheel. But there is no way off the island other than that. Sun goes on a tirade that no one understands, a very smart use of everybody’s time. She starts out by calling Richard an idiot, which was either very perceptive, very ironic, or both. She then calls him insane. I came back here to save my husband and bring him home, not save the world. Well, now we know for sure, she is an idiot too. What an amazing micro view of the situation. Me. Me. Me. Never mind that neither you nor your husband will exist if nobody saves the world. It’s no wonder Sun can not speak English anymore. When Locke lost his faith, he lost the use of his legs (when he and Boone found Yemi’s plane) or lost his voice (when the Swan hatch blew up). While Locke was able to fight through his faith crisis, Sun has shown zero, absolutely none, zip, nada faith in the island or any high concepts that are happening all around her. She is an agnostic. All she knows is what she sees and only what is important to her. Sun: You need me, she said I’m important, I’m not going anywhere.” I don’t know why they kept her around for 6 seasons, but Sun has been useless since she saved Shannon’s life with eucalyptus paste in Season 1. During Sun’s meltdown, Richard looks at Jack. Jack looks back and shrugs. Ah, there’s our Jack. The same priceless DUNNO look on his face when they reach Jughead in Season 5 and Richard asks Jack What’s next. I dunno. Duh. You just know he wants to stick a finger up his nose. Miles: "Fifty bucks the Jack kid picks his nose". Hurley: “Fifty bucks more says he eats it...Man that kid'll eat anything." Well, they should have said it. At the bank, Sun has run into a problem and run out of money. Her super secret account was closed by her father and drained of all funds. Sun doesn’t understand why. Even Mikhail rolls his two eyes at that one. Omar is a bit rough is putting Jin in the walk in fridge in the restaurant. I believe the same head wound Jin had in the brainwashing room on Hydra island was the same wound he just got from selling hello to a door with his skull. Keamy reprimands him before sending him on an errand to pick up Sayid. Keamy proceeds to tape up Jin and go on a long rambling speech, given to someone who doesn’t understand English. Keamy: Just in case you forgot what’s about to happen on the island, can’t have you freaking out.” Say what? I rewound, and rewound, and rewound. This was dialogue that looked spliced in at the “island” part, and consider that sentence. Here is Keamy talking about strapping Jin in because of what’s going to happen on the island. Freighter exploding, perhaps, that threw Jin into the water? It’s as if Keamy knows stuff, super secret stuff. Or the two timelines are bleeding together, and this was some kind of merging point. But this is definitely 2004, not the current 2007 that the Losties and various other groups are a part of. Very, very odd. Keamy explains that he was the one that turned in Jin and Sun to Mr Paik about the affair and the 25 grand that is missing was a reward for Keamy. Jin broke the cardinal rule of “hands off the boss’s daughter. To be fair, Keamy is making the clichéd mistake of the bad guy explaining the plot to the audience just before getting killed. Keamy: Some people just aren’t meant to be together. Keamy is a rather intelligent moron. Which characters on this show have been able to hold onto their relationship in both time lines? Maybe Rose and Bernard? We don’t know about Desmond and Penny. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Widmore is cranky at Zoe about Jin’s abduction. That wasn’t supposed to happen for days. Zoe: maybe you should have put a mercenary in charge rather than a geophysicist. Shades of the freighter arrival, when Naomi was the mercenary in charge of a substance abuse pilot, a physicist, an archeologist, and a guy that can speak to the dead. Widmore breaks out the Sawyer line “What’s done is done” yet another repetition in dialogue this season. The package is to be taken to the infirmary, a pretty good clue that it’s a person since last I checked luggage doesn’t need Valtrex. Widmore gives Sun’s camera from her luggage to Jin so he can see some baby pictures of her daughter. Her daughter looks like a Tribble from Star Trek fame. What’s with this show and ugly children? Jin gets emotional at seeing his ugly daughter for the first time. Is ugly too harsh of a word? How about Jin gets emotional thinking about the plastic surgery bills he will have to pay in the future. That’s more subtle I think. Widmore knows that Jin wants to be reunited with his wife and child, but that would be short lived if that thing masquerading as John Locke were able to leave the island. This is exactly the speech that Jack or Richard needed to give to Sun on the other island to keep her in line. Terse and unflappably logical. I’m starting to really warm up to this Widmore guy. W: Everybody would simply cease to be. Interesting choice of words. Not “die” but “cease to be”. Almost like saying you can die in one time line, but cease to be in many timelines. Maybe. As we’ve speculated in the past, especially around the time Sayid shot Ben in the heart, and the wound in the next episode was two feet away in another part of his chest. The island is an intersection of timelines, a merging, a very powerful point the many worlds that exist. The actions here affect many lives and many versions of the same lives. Maybe I’m just having another Mr Drinky McDrinkalot moment. Loops still happen, I’m almost sure. Carrying on. Widmore has to make sure that this doesn’t happen and wants to show Jin his package. I hate to break the news to Widmore, but some people just aren’t meant to be together.

Jin is listening to the apparently fast forward scene of Sayid and Keamy’s eggciting restaurant confrontation. Jin’s kicking on the door brings Sayid to his apparent aide. Sayid gives a “Who are you?” as I’m trying to figure out if he is looking much more dazed and confused now that he did a couple of episodes ago when he found Jin at our first view of this scene, but I’m too lazy to find to go find it right now. Sayid looks like he dipped into whatever stash of hash Frank’s character has been bringing to the set. S: I don’t know why you are here, and I don’t care. This mimics the speech Sayid gave to MIB earlier in the episode of how he doesn’t feel anything anymore. Sayid manages to find some humanity, and gives Jin a box cutter to cut himself out with, and even wished him good luck. Mikhail and Sun are late to arrive at the restaurant purge. Keamy is still alive, and as Mikhail tends to him, Keamy calls him an idiot and says looks behind you. Yet another cardinal mistake made by a character, yet another scene of somebody being called idiot in this episode, other than by me. I think it’s been three times already by other people. Jin: put the gun down, or I’ll kill you. Jin simply is not capable of pulling the trigger in either time line. Sure, he is very capable of martial arts, but doesn’t have the package to kill. Mikhail correctly reasons that Jin could not have killed Keamy and his men or he would have shot Mikhail by now, so a struggle ensues and several bullets are sprayed around the kitchen. That poor cleaning crew. This fight didn’t last as long as the first Jin and Mikhail fight in the jungle during the Naomi rescue. Mikhail grabs a knife, which is a bad thing to bring to a gun fight, and Jin finally manages to pull the trigger. A nice touch in putting one in Mikhail’s eye. The question will be, is Mikhail really dead? Or will he heal and magically show up at Halloween and attack Jin. Maybe kill Charlie in the process. And a few naked co-ed girls. Then chase Jamie Lee Curtis who is having a hard time running with her perpetual diarrhea. Just before the gun fight, Jin ordered Sun to move out of the way. So, of course, Sun moved directly into the line of fire. Sun has been shot in the gut, and her hands are blood soaked. Sun: I’m pregnant. Worst home pregnancy test ever. Jin picks her up. We are left to speculate. In the regular timeline, Jin is incapable of getting Sun pregnant due to shooting blanks. This is resolved on the island, as Juliet tells us the island turns sperm into super sperm. So, in LAX, is Jin capable to knocking up Sun? I really don’t care, but thought I should point this out. Sun is sitting on a rather angry beach with angry surf and surly sand. Remember how calm and beautiful the beach was during Season 1? Jack comes by with a Sharpie and a notebook. Then, we get to hear quite possibly the worst speech given in the history of ever. Jack: Guess what I found in the garden? One. Stubborn. Tomato. I guess someone forgot to tell him he was supposed to die. Seriously, this is a cavalcade of stupidity. If I ever see a neighbor plant any tomatoes around here, I will burn them to the ground and salt the earth. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so disgusted by a vegetable in my life. Yes, I’m talking about Jack. I drink half a glass of V8 juice every morning. I can’t do it anymore. I looked at the bottle, the bottle looked back at me, and I couldn’t face it anymore. I was just so embarrassed for the actor playing Jack having to say One Stubborn Tomato. He could have said “I feel like a fried egg!!” and it would have possibly less idiotic. I would rather be chased through a labyrinth by AIDS patients with weeping sores than listen to Jack say anything, including “Yep”, “Nope”, and “Gurgle” as he is being choked by the string that attaches one of his mittens to his other mitten. We have officially hit rock bottom of LOST. It can’t get any worse, can it? The dialogue is being written by 5 year olds. Jack: It’s not the first time somebody told me to leave them alone. Yeah, Yah think? Like your ex-wife, dead father, your untalented son in LAX, Kate, Hurley in the last episode when he told you to beat it. Do I need to continue the list? Sun explains in writing that Locke claimed to have Jin, but she didn’t trust him. You’ve been chasing Jin for years, but turn down a chance to reunite, you dumb tomato. Jack: Do you trust me? Sure we do Jack. Because your decision to move to the caves lasted a couple of episodes. The decision to willingly walk into Michael’s trap with the Others was brilliant. How many times did you turn over guns to the Others. How about exiting the underwater Hydra hatch and almost drowning? Calling the freighter despite Locke’s and Ben’s warnings? Brilliant!!! Leaving the island with the Oceanic 6? Winner!! Blowing up the hydrogen bomb? Who knows? Jack has done nothing right. EVER. Sun: Yes. Jack holds out his hand, which is noticeably covered in sand. Not only would I not put Jack in charge of the island and in charge of keeping MIB here, but I wouldn’t trust him to guard a litter box, which he has just shown he is incapable of doing. The emperor wears no clothes, mother fockers. Somebody has to listen to me. ARRRRRRRGHGGHGHGHGH@#^@^^Y^ U6tpisodpfg *&(**#^J…I just spent an uncomfortable moment typing with my face, but I seemed to have calmed down somewhat. Jack-ass: Come with me, I’ll help you find Jin. Jack gives Sun the MIB speech from Season 5, promising the same exact thing. J: I’ll get you both on the plane, get you as far away from this island as you can get, I promise. Notice that Jack didn’t say he was coming with them. You, You, You. Not we. Sun takes Jack’s poo hand, something that MIB failed as he tried to get Kate, Sawyer, and other folks to shake his hand at various times. Too much hand shaking, not enough Purell. At MIB’s camp, Sawyer makes embarrassingly bad small talk with Kate. Sawyer is concerned about how his plans are being undermined, but thinks it will all be over soon. Sure it will. A couple more episode about tomatoes and sunflowers and it will be all over. Sawyer seems to think Widmore will get the drop on MIB. Um, Sawyer does realize that he who looks like Locke is the Smoke Monster. Who the hell do you think will win in a battle? I got my money on Smokie. Well, here comes MIB, so guess who’s screwed? MIB explains they denied having Jin, doesn’t like secrets, and wanted to see what they were protecting. Sayid surfaces at the Hydra pier. I am left to wonder if Sayid needs to even breathe at this point. Zoe and some Widmore boob are dragging a tranquilized person along the boardwalk. Drugs are not uncommon for a submarine trip to the island. Or if you are a pilot. It’s Desmond.
From 6.8 Recon
Since Widmore was able to return to the island, and was most likely aware of the Ajira disappearance and the gathering of the candidates to return, he may very well have abducted somebody to help the submarine gain access to the island. The island always gets you. Perhaps Desmond?
The island is not done with Desmond, as Eloise Hawking predicted at the Lamp post hatch under the church in Los Angeles. Desmond is rather surprised to see Sayid. Then again, I bet Desmond right now would have been surprised to see a lily pad. When we last left him, he was in the hospital after being attacked by Ben on the pier by his boat. His mother and father, Eloise Hawking and Charles Widmore, were seen talking outside Desmond’s hospital. Sure does seem that Charles has kidnapped Desmond. As Daniel Faraday said, Desmond is extraordinary special and the rules don’t apply to him. He is a game changer who has been course corrected and manipulated all his life, and it looks like we will be finding out why fairly soon. Maybe. Stupid writers.

6.9 Ab Aeterno

2010-03-29T22:38:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts. My computer caught a bad virus, delaying this writeup by a few days. Much to my surprise, it was AIDS. Not to my surprise was the fact that my computer is dating more than me. This writeup/recap/mess is a bit rushed and not well thought out. Which isn’t much of a change. This was surely a crossroads episode. We’ve been getting some really disappointing and sometimes downright awful episodes this season. Going in with the high expectation for a Richard episode, I was worried about the rest of the series if this episode flopped. I was very relieved and very pleased at how much I really enjoyed this, well, epic episode. This was simply spectacular. Richard’s acting was terrific, his sad sack story was actually interesting and almost moving, and his reunion of sorts with the ghost of his wife was not as over the top as I thought it might have been, especially upon repeated viewings. Of course, the best part of this episode was there was absolutely no flashsideways crap. What a breath of fricking fresh air away from that cesspool of suck. It was like watching a brilliant movie, not a sh!!ty one like that Sandra Bullock football movie about a home invasion and how she was stabbed 173 times and bleed out on a football field or at least that’s what I’ve heard. I had enough of the Tiger Woods crap, and now its Sandra Bullock crap. Who cares? The coverage stinks. The female anchor turns to the male anchor, Gene, tell me all men are not like this. No, Helen, we are not. Hahahaha. Up next, the weather. Shut up, you focktwads. How about an equally appropriate question? Hey, Helen. Are all women money grubbing sluts who will have sex with obviously married men and ruin marriages for 15 minutes of fame? No, Gene, but I bet you are sooooo fired for asking. And if you criticize my wardrobe, I’ll have you arrested. Nope, it’s a sexist society, and we can’t mention that porn stars that sleep with married men can be EQUALLY guilty too. We are all doomed as a society. If a candidate is to take over for Jacob, do they get superhero powers like granting immortality and manipulating lives and acting like a d!ck, or should they already have some type of powers. Of all the candidates left, the only noticeable powers are Hurley’s ability to talk to dead people and Kate’s ability to piss me off. Ab Aeterno translated from Latin is “from the beginning of time”, of which certain concepts in this episode seemed to have originated from. I’ve speculated the LAX timeline is an epilogue, what happens when the island stuff is over. What if it’s a prologue, showing us what happens before Jacob got involved in the Losties lives. Jacob goes back in time to recruit these people to help on the island after they have lived to this point in their lives. Or to really simply this, the LAX is what happens when the MIB escapes the island and darkness spreads in the world, and Jacob needs to stop him by bringing people to the island just before it happens. Now I’m getting confused. I need to think this through a bit more. More on this stuff in the future.

We start with an extended scene from last season’s finale, of Jacob visiting Ilana in a Russian hospital. Ilana has her face wrapped in bandages and has been preparing for a trip to the island by bobbing for fish filets in the hot oil cooker. Jacob tells her that she is to protect 6 people, the remaining candidates on This Island Has No Talent. The Jacobites are sitting around a campfire at night at the original Losties camp. They are finally comparing notes since they have run out of excuses not to do so They are candidates to replace Jacob. Well, Sun said that, and claimed to be one herself. She is either making a huge assumption that she is a candidate or she is desperately trying to say something other than Jin. She has not said Jin yet, but I can see her doodling the name Jin in the sand with a stick. I want that stick to accidently end up in her eye socket. What do we do next? Hurley speaks up and says that he wants to do a cannonball. Frank wants to braid his chest hair. Well, a couple of episodes ago Richard said Jack seemed to have all the answers. But he is just as dumfounded as usual. As the extended scene with Jacob and Ilana continues, Ilana is no longer bandaged up and her face is completely healed. Um, that was fast. Did Jacob touch her and heal her? And how was she injured to begin with? The mission is to bring the candidates to the Temple, which Ilana ended up failing spectacularly. Ask Richardus, as he will know what to do next. Richard, Ricardos Ricardus, make up your minds. This guy has had more name changes than Prince. Last season Ilana first met Richard and called him Ricardo. Which is inconsistent with what she was told from Jacob. Now, it is Ricardus again. Anyway, Richie laughs like a lunatic. A bright giggle of madness. That must be what I look like when somebody says they like Jack. Richard: I have no idea. I had to rewind to make sure Jack didn’t just say that. Shockingly, no. Richmeister, making copies, goes on a rant about everything that Jacob ever said was a lie. He has a secret. Oddly enough, it has nothing to do with kissing John Travolta just before boarding a plane. You’re dead, we’re all dead, we’re not on an island, we are in Hell. Right on cue, jumping out of the bushes were members of the Westboro Baptist Church, ready with their picket signs. Richinator is ready to stop listening to Jacob, and it’s time to listen to someone else. Well, seems that Jack’s whacky dynamite trick in the Black Rock didn’t have a lasting effect on Richzinsky.

Richard runs off into the jungle, and Ben is jealous of the way Richard runs. Ben would be jealous of the way a one legged duck runs. Ilana wants to follow, since Jacob told her Richard knows what to do. What she doesn’t seem to grasp is that Jacob also did an end run around you by sending the Losties to the Temple without your protection, so who knows what Jacob is doing anymore. It’s as if he lost faith in Ilana, or is just changing plans willy nilly. Jack, of all people, tries to talk some sense into her. A better choice may have been Charles Manson. Richard has gone crazy and if he cared about what Jacob said, he wouldn’t have been talking about following someone else. I believe this is the concept behind Amway. Jack is seemingly respecting the choice, there is that concept again, that Richard has made. Jack is confused about who Richard is going to follow. Here is comes, this week’s version. It’s Locke. But Locke is dead. Well it’s not exactly Locke. Every single week, we have this exact same dialogue. Every. Single. Week. Are we finally done? Does anybody on the island, anybody at all not realize that Locke is really MIB. Anybody? Can we put this to rest? Hurley is speaking in Spanish to no one in particular, which is lot like my daily travels on public transportation, but insists he is not talking to Jacob. Jack accuses him of lying. Hmm, does Jack not trust Hurley any more? Hurley shows some backbone and curtly explains that this isn’t about you, Jack. Of course, Hurley was talking to Isabella’s ghost. Being that MIB’s manifestations are visible to other people, and Hurley can communicate with the dead, this is the real deal, a ghost. I suppose ghosts can find the island more easily than the living. Ben thinks Ilana chasing after Richard would be a waste of time because Richard doesn’t know anything. And we also saw how Ben was able to outmaneuver Ilana in the same situation recently, and Richard knows the jungle a lot better than Ilana. Richard looked the same when Ben was twelve as he does now, as told to Frank. Richard is galloping through a country side, specifically Tenerife, the Canary Islands, in 1867. The Canary Islands are under Spanish rule, so we get a bunch of subtitles through out the episode, which doesn’t bother me as I usually turn on subtitles or closed captioning even when a program is in English; however, at times, characters continue to talk while we get no translations whatsoever for what they said. Numerous times. Richard ties up his horse and enters something that looks a bit like Jacob’s cabin. His wife Isabella is coughing up blood and Richard admonishes her for eating that blood pudding. If his wife is so ill, where was Richard all this time? I don’t think somebody is just going to wake up one day and start coughing blood. Seems like a prolonged illness. Richard gathers up all the money they have and the cross necklace of his wife and rides off to seek the assistance of a doctor, in the pouring rain. That seemed to be a rapid weather shift, since Richard arrived home in the bright sunshine. Richard rudely barges in on the doctor during supper time and is inconsiderate enough to drip water on this nice man’s floor. Richard is not making a good first impression. The doctor turns down an opportunity to ride half a day in a driving rainstorm to Richard’s house, but is gracious enough to offer medicine that will cure his wife. Richard offers his pittance of payment, and the benevolent doctor thinks Richard is most certain that he is a victim of a joshing and starts to look around for a hidden camera. Surely this is worth squat, tossing the cross aside. Richard desperately wrestles with the nice doctor over the medicine, shoving him neck first into a table, and killing him. Uh, oh, spaghettioes. As Richard sees that he has killed someone and the servant is now watching him; this scene seems to be reminiscent of Libby walking in on Michael after he has shot and killed Ana Lucia in the Swan hatch during Season 2. Richard flees with the medicine and returns home to find Isabella deada. We need a Nelson Muntz Ha Ha right about now. Apparently the world’s most incredible cops are mere seconds behind Richard, barrel into the house to arrest him. They knew who he was and found the right house in the rain that quickly? Wow. A priest visits Richard in his prison cell. Richard has been self teaching himself English by reading the Bible and some handy Rosetta Stone cassettes. The book is open to a passage from Luke Chapter 4. This chapter of the New Testament featured the temptation of Christ by the devil in the desert, preaching a sermon in a synagogue, and performing miracles such as casting out demons from bodies. I wonder if we might have a precursor to MIB being cast out of Locke, but I doubt it. Anyway, we certainly see the temptation of Richard later on in this episode. Richard makes his confession. I beg you Father, for God’s will to not allow any more focking flashsideways into the story line. The priest stunned me with a “No. I cannot grant you absolution for murder” I don’t know what they are teaching in the schools nowadays, but religions do have forgiveness policies. The priest says that penance is required. I’m pretty sure Richard had several penances back at the doctor’s house, but they got scattered across the floor. So what’s the problem? But since Richard will be hung tomorrow, the devil awaits him in Hell. Or he could watch whatever movie On Demand has been featuring, playing 14 commercials per LOST episode, for the last 7 straight weeks, some stupid romantic movie about some unnamed Muppet looking girl on a polluted beach and her dad is home invaded and is stabbed 173 times and bleeds out on a football field or at least that’s what I’ve heard. Richard chooses wisesly. Yes, the devil awaits him in Hell.

Richard is blindfolded and led out to meet Mr Whitfield, a kindly man recruiting for vacation cruises to exotic destinations apparently. Or a slave trader. He checks Richard’s hands and teeth and squeezes his package, much like a father would of someone taking his teenage daughter out on a first date. Upon being asked whether he spoke English, Richard hesitated for a while, before finally answering yes. I could not fathom why the wait. Hanging, or go with this man. Then again, there is that basement scene in Pulp Fiction. Richard is sold off into slavery by the corrupt priest, to be property of Magnus Hanso. If you recall, Charles Widmore bought the journal of the first mate of the Black Rock at an auction during the Desmond time jumping episode in Season 4 Tovard Hanso sold the journal to the auction. Alvar Hanso founded the Hanso Foundation, which in turn started the Dharma Initiative. Small world. A massive storm at sea, the ship is flooding, and the slaves are struggling with their shackles and dish pan hands. One of the prisoners peeks out through the holes in the ship, and I would certainly be concerned about a boat with holes, and sees land that is being guarded by the devil, otherwise known as the statue Tawaret. The ship is swept up on a massive wave and hits the statue in the snout. There is a problem here. When we saw the Black Rock approaching the island in the Season 5 finale as Jacob and MIB sat together on the beach, it was bright sun shine, middle of the day, and the boat was just a couple of miles off shore. Now, in this latest version, the ship is still off the shore of the same exact part of the island, near the statue, and it is night time with hurricane like conditions. This is simply impossible. If you want to argue time shifts as you approach the island snow globe, like the freighter and Ajira plane, you can. But the freighter was originally about 40 miles off shore, and could not get all that closer without navigational equipment because of the reefs. You could barely see smoke from it when it blew up, as Juliet and Saywer showed us. The Ajira plane was coming with great speed from great distance. The Black Rock in Season 5 was close enough that you could throw a rock from the beach and knock off the captain’s hat. Either this is a major plot blunder, or two versions of the same exact scene. Loops. So, this crumbling wooden ship magically destroyed a sturdy looking statue and crashed a mile inland. I suppose we must suspend imagination. If the bits of the statue were to tumble into the water, the ship would strategically need to hit the Tawaret in the shins and have the body topple forward. Didn’t happen here. And I do not want to get into the speculation that MIB can manipulate weather with the snap of a finger, which could help devise an explanation. But it was night time, dammit. So explain that one, smart guy. We call this the plot of Speed 3: Sandra Bullock is a Zombie. She shipwrecks ashore of an island, drags the captain out onto a football field, and stabs him 173 times and he bleeds out on a football field or at least that’s what I’ve heard . Captain Hanso is indeed dead, without us ever seeing him on screen. Richard and his buddies yell for assistance. Whitfield strides down the steps and acts for all the world like he is infected. I got a weird feeling that this was a bit like the Frenchies arrival at LOST island and their tango with Smokie. Whitfield wastes little time in slashing and gutting the slaves on board. He reasons that since there are only 5 surviving officers, no fresh water, and limited supplies, if he freed the prisoners, it was only a matter of time before they came back and killed him. I found that last part very similar to MIB’s struggle with Jacob. If you free him, he will come back and kill you. It’s rather sad, considering the island is full of lakes and numerous creeks and waterfalls and wells, fresh water everywhere you look, but nobody bothered to explore just a bit. Whitfield never took a moment to look around. I’m sure some of these slain men were candidates, but their opportunity to prove themselves lasted as long as it takes to make microwave popcorn. We hear the monster noises, which to this day make me very happy. A ruckus is raised on deck, and there is a lot of smashing going on. We see a recreation of the air line pilot death scene from the pilot episode, as Whitfield is pulled out of the bowels of the ship and through the ceiling. The monster comes back, scans/judges Richard, and leaves.

Very blatantly, a blue butterfly flutters around the jungle and floats into the interior of the Black Rock. The blue butterfly symbolizes metamorphosis and change by a wish granter or malicious spirit. A sneaky foreshadowing to MIB and/or Jacob in dealing with Richard. Richard is still in his shackles, which is too bad, since it has started to rain, and water is falling to the interior of the ship, just out of reach. Now, somebody that isn’t stupid might have thought to take off his shirt and reach out with it to soak up some moisture so that you might quench your thirst. But choosing to die of thirst is certainly another alternative to survival tactics. Richard pries out a nail out of a wooden board, as it is vitally important that he is able to scrape Richard Wuz Here into the wall before he dies. Actually, Richard’s plight is very similar to Lloyd Henreid’s from the Stephen King book The Stand. As a rapidly spreading and extremely fatal virus kills off the entire population of a prison, Lloyd is left in his cell alone to die. Finally, at his most desperate and delirious hour, Randall Flagg, otherwise known as the Man In Black, comes along to free Lloyd. As a show of allegiance, the MIB gives Lloyd a black rock. Interesting connections, huh? Richard tries to use the nail to help him break out of his chains, but he has no luck. Richard has the misfortune of trying to escape his prison many years before getting a chance to watch Shawshank Redemption. Yes, another Stephen King reference. When Richard regains consciousness, he sees a boar eating a corpse, a fear the Losties had back in Season 1 just before they lit the fuselage to burn the bodies. The boar does some damage like one did on Sawyer in Season 1, and knocks over Richard which in turn flings the nail out of reach. Richard yells, “Wilson, Wilson, Willlllllsoooooon!!!” to the nail, and cries a little as he cannot reach it. I’m guessing Richard’s legs must be in chains, otherwise he could have reached the nail easily with his foot. As Richard falls in and out of consciousness, he is visited by the ghost of Abe Vigoda, which is odd since Abe is still alive, and Isabella. He is able to physically hug her, so in this case, this is the MIB manifesting himself based on the memories he scanned a little while ago inside Richard’s head. We are dead, both of us, we are in Hell. This is simply a case of the writers having some fun with us, as purgatory was a popular explanation of this series way back in Season 1, before the executive producers came out and insisted that the Losties are not in purgatory. Isabella claims that she is here to save Richard before the devil comes back. Isabella has looked into his eyes, and he is pure evil. An interesting way for MIB to describe himself. Both hear the noises of the monster on the deck of the ship. Now, we’ve had two situations where I thought there was sloppy writing and MIB was in 2 places at the same time. Well, maybe it wasn’t sloppy writing afterall, as MIB was on Hydra and Lost island at the same time in Season 5 as Christian and Locke, and then was MIB rounding up the candidates while purging the Ajirites at the same time. So, here we have Smokie and Isabella in 2 places at the same time. How do you kill a Multiplicity Smoke Monster? A trident? Go! Run! Isabella is so inspired by Richard’s words that she immediately runs up the stairs and straight at the monster. It’s like seeing a hungry Susan Boyle headed your way, and you just stand there, sprinkling salt on top of your head. The monster disappears again. Finally, MIB in the form we saw him in for the Season 5 finale comes down to where Richard is languishing in a puddle of his own drool. He must have just finished watching Dancing With the Stars. Hell is not pleasant. MIB touches Richard on the shoulder for a little while. Both MIB and Jacob really are into the touching thing. It’s as if MIB just shuffled across the carpet in his socks and he’s wearing a turtle neck sweater. Tee Hee. He can’t wait to taser someone with his finger. He gives Richard some water and informs him that he is a friend. R: Am I in Hell? MIB: Yes. So, MIB is again telling some of the truth, but not entirely. Richard is in his own personal Hell, a broken man on the verge of dying, a man who has seen a lifetime of tragedy in a matter of a few days. He probably deserves it too. Come on. Dripping water on some guy’s floor? The nerve. MIB confirms that he was not on the ship, that he has been here on the island a long time before the ship came. Although, probably not the only one; there must have been previous inhabitants on the island as a statue and Temple just don’t build themselves. Have you seen my wife? Fock, here we go again. The manipulation starts as the MIB agrees to help save Richard’s wife from the black smoke and wants to make a deal. After all, MIB understands the concept of wanting to be free. MIB: Hey, I found some keys in somebody’s pocket outside. And they are not Roger Workman’s. Who? Nevermind, Richard, inside joke. Richard needs to do a favor for MIB. Anything, anything. Bam, he is freed. It’s good to see you out of those chains Richard. These are the exact words spoken to Richard in 2007 outside the statue foot soon after the death of Jacob. Richard then goes “You?” and Locke goes “Me” before knocking him out and carrying him into the jungle. Richard at that moment realized that Locke was really MIB, the same man that freed him from the Black Rock, the very same Smokie that has been terrorizing the island. MIB picks up Whitney Houston and carries him off. Richard needs to save his strength since the only way out of Hell is to kill the devil. Or possibly a plane or submarine, if they are handy and have already been invented.

Richard is feasting on a roasted boar, which may be symbolic of animal sacrifice. I recall that MIB brought a freshly killed boar to Richard and the Others just before setting out to visit and subsequently kill Jacob at the foot last year. Repetition, so much repetition this season. MIB wants Richard to go to the statue, which he confirms has been smashed into pieces by the ship. MIB pulls out the same Roman sword Dogen gave to Sayid, and basically gives Richard the same instructions of “do not hesitate, if he has spoken to you, it is already too late”. Repetition. Although, Ben certainly spoke to Jacob before stabbing him, so why are these instructions so often repeated? Richard begins to doubt MIB and starts to question everything, becoming fairly difficult in the process. But how can I kill black smoke? MIB: I am the black smoke. Seems that the MIB doesn’t mind confessing that he is the black smoke; in fact, it almost seems like he is bragging. But you took Isabella? No, I arrived too late and the devil had already taken her and I couldn’t do anything. Gee, that’s a bit of bad luck. I bet she is bleeding on a football field. MIB: He betrayed me, took my body, took my humanity. This part I believe, as week by week we get revelations about the MIB back story, and I think it is perfectly reasonable to assume that MIB’s natural form now is black smoke, and if he appears as any person, it is due to finding their corpse or memory on the island. R: But you killed the officers on the ship. MIB is being illogical with Richard and finally has had enough. Look, if you want to see your wife again, you must kill the devil to get her back. The trump card. Richard continues to be stubborn. But murder is wrong; it is what brought me here. Again, MIB is swatting away the concerns. MIB: We can talk all day about what is right and wrong, but do you want to see your wife again? Yes, I do. This was a temptation of sorts, as first mentioned in the Chapter of Luke 4 from the New Testament. The devil was tempting Jesus, promising the world if only he would submit to the devil’s offers. Jesus repeatedly said no. Richard continually was tempted by the offer of being reunited with Isabella, and in the end, after many temptations, he finally said yes. So, Richard failed. As Richard emerges from the jungle, we see the main part of the Tawaret statue half submerged in the lagoon in front of the statue foot. The front door is wide open, and Richard creeps up with the knife, a recreation of a home security system commercial. Jacob sucker punches Richard and starts a beat down. While I don’t blame Jacob for thinking this was a shape shifting MIB coming to kill him, the sucker punch was a bit uncalled for. I suppose Jacob never met Richard before and never touched him, since Richard wasn’t on any list of candidates and therefore was a perfect stranger. Who gave you this? Richard: Where is my wife? I am slowly bashing my skull into a wall. R: the MIB said you are the devil, and if I want to see my wife again, I have to kill you, she’s dead, but I saw her. Jacob finally realizes the gambit being played and responds “that is not your wife.” Richard: I know I am dead and that I am in Hell. Jacob gets peeved and gives Richard the worst baptism since Andrea Yates. Boy, that was creepy and tasteless, but I think I’m dead and in Hell too. Richard is spitting out water as he proclaims that he wants to live. I really, really don’t understand the change in logic. Why does Richard want to live? For who? For what? Jacob wants to talk.

A beach fire with blankets and wine. Richard asks Jacob what is inside foot? No one comes in unless I invite them in, unless they also have a foot fetish, and then they have a party. The only person invited in to have an audience with Jacob is the leader of the Others, which was Locke and/or Ben at the time of the loophole when Jacob got stabbed. That seems to be a case builder for what exactly the loophole was. Are you the devil? No, I am Jacob, the one who brought you to this island. Why? Ah, this is a very key question. Hell, otherwise known as evil, malevolence, darkness, and Gloria Allred. Evil is like this bottle of wine. It is inside, swirling, unable to get out, but would spread if it escaped. The island is the cork, keeping darkness where it belongs. MIB believes everybody is corruptible because it is their very nature to sin. Jacob brings people to the island to prove him wrong; here the past doesn’t matter. OK, let’s take a breath here, since there is some heavy stuff. MIB is absolutely correct. Any religion, philosophy, logic tells us that people are inherently evil. They are absolutely predisposed to sin, and it takes unusual circumstances and belief to overcome it. Using Richard’s Catholicism as a starting point, most Christians believe that faith in Jesus dying for their sins gives them everlasting life in Heaven. But they alone cannot overcome their inherent nature to sin, they needed a substitute. In fact, by attempting to prove MIB wrong, Jacob is essentially trying to prove God wrong. And when you prove God wrong, you wipe out the very existence of the universe, as we should know by watching the movie Dogma.
LAX Part Two:
Dogma, the Kevin Smith movie, where Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are fallen angels who are convinced by Jason Lee’s character to follow through on a loophole created by Catholic dogma, where if they pass through the doors of a certain church in New Jersey, they will find a way to get back into Heaven after being cast out by God. However, as existence is founded on the principle that God is infallible, their success would prove God wrong and thus undo all creation. The last scion and two prophets are sent by the Voice of God to stop them. Can you see the parallels of MIB finding a loophole, wanting to go to The Temple, and wipe out creation, or the island, or end the game he and Jacob are playing and sacrificing people for? The people out to stop MIB are the Oceanic 815 people that Jacob selected. The scenario could change by next week, but I thought it was a very familiar concept.
In fact, I was somewhat wrong. Jacob is the one trying to prove God wrong, if you really consider the fine details. He can call MIB evil all he wants, but isn’t Jacob an evil guy too? When Richard asks if there were others before him on the island, Jacob responds Yes, but they are all dead. R: Why didn’t you help them? J: I wanted them to help themselves, to know the difference between right and wrong, without me having to tell them. It’s all meaningless if I had to tell them. Why should I help them? R: If you don’t, he will. Keeping with the religious theme, this is an Old Testament view of God. He is hoping that people would figure out right and wrong on their own. The problem was that people had a predisposition to sin, so they couldn’t do it. And so as God put people on Earth, Jacob has brought people to the island. And has been competing with MIB over the actions of the people. But Jacob does nothing as many people have been killed. It’s sad really. It’s taken all this time for Jacob to realize that this just isn’t working, and many people have died for no good reason. Jacob has ruined countless amounts of lives, with no hope of succeeding.. This show this week is very religiously themed at the very core. So Jacob finally is snapped out of his mental slumber with Richard’s words. What could have Jacob sh!t for brains been thinking before? Well, some people are going to come here, and figure out on their own how to defeat pure evil. It’s just a dumb idea. God had another plan, with the Messiah. Jacobs needs to do the same. J: Do you want a job? If I don’t want to step in, maybe you can do it for me. So, Jacob realizes his plan was dumb, but now wants to change the rules. Is this the equivalent of the coming of Christ? No, Richard is an idiot when it really comes down to it. It has to be a candidate that will save them all. Remember the saying what lies in the shadow of the statue? He who will save us all. Jacob for the first time is willing to admit that he is fighting a losing battle. Richard is to be a representative, an intermediary between Jacob and the people he brings to the island. Richard is the first of the Others. So Jacob wants to make a deal with Richard, which is what he and MIB love to do. I want my wife back. No. Jacob cannot bring people back to life. Really? Even in the spring? MIB can, as he brought Sayid back. But Jacob doesn’t have the physical body here. But he did save Dogen’s son. I’m scratching my head over the rules here. I guess Jacob wants Richard to ask the “right” question. Can you absolve me of my sins so I don’t go to Hell? No. This is a very good request, and one people should remember when they get wishes from a genie. But you cannot promise this because you don’t know what Richard will choose to do in the future. Richard is now scrambling for an answer. Can you promise the viewers that we will never see another godforsaken flashsideways? No, can’t do that. Grrrrr. I want to live forever. That I can do. Richard may have been hasty here. I understand the progression of thought when you go from never wanting to go to Hell to the next step of never dying so that you cannot go to Hell. It’s avoiding the eternity of fire and brimstone. But it also prevents him from ever being reunited with his wife in a potential afterlife. He will never see his wife again. It’s certainly a trade off. Jacob sure is a confusing figure. He can grant immortality, but doesn’t want to get involved in people’s lives. He certainly influenced life altering events off island for Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Jack, Dogen, etc when he touched them or bribed them. MIB is not happy with Richard. You let him talk to you. Richard hands MIB a white rock because Jacob wanted to give him a gift. Remember the reference I made to Lloyd and MIB from The Stand earlier?. MIB: If you go with him, you will never see your wife again. Well, seeing MIB as Isabella isn’t exactly a reasonable facsimile and won’t keep you warm at night. And the sex might not be pleasant. MIB concedes that Jacob can be very persuasive, and if Richard ever changes his mind, the offer still stands. MIB gives Richard a gift, the cross of Isabella. Fundamentally, can pure evil carry around a cross? What, it doesn’t smolder in the palm of his hand? Richard buries the cross, which reminded me of Sawyer and Desmond tossing rings away after difficult scenarios with the women that they loved.

In present day, Richard goes back to the jungle hiding spot and digs up the cross. Like Sawyer dug up the engagement ring for Juliet 30 years later. Repetition. R: I’ve changed my mind, I was wrong, does the offer still stand? Richard is shouting out into the jungle. Considering that MIB mentioned a day or two ago that he still wanted Richard by his side, I seem to think the offer would still be good. Hurley shows up, and Richard is not happy to see him. Your wife sent me. Isabella told me about the cross; she is standing right next to you. Richard doesn’t see her. Hurlie Goldberh continues to translate. Will Hunting, it’s not your fault. The reunion is fairly powerful, Richard tears up and his mascara runs a bit. Isabella finally leaves, Richard puts on the filthy, dirt caked cross. Oh, yeah. She also said that you have to stop the MIB from leaving the island, or we all go to hell. MIB looks on from a distance, frustrated to know that he is too late to claim Richard for his side. This tells us that Isabella was not MIB in this case. She was a real ghost that may or may not have been speaking based on what Jacob told her. I still don’t think Jacob can necessarily shape shift and he doesn’t get directly involved. But, he is using Hurley in the role that Richard used to have, a representative. It’s almost like Jacob is setting up Hurley to be the new advisor for whomever does take over for Jacob. Jacob and MIB are sitting under a tree. Get my present? This establishes the time of the meeting as soon after Richard is unsuccessful in trying to stab Jacob in 1867. J: you tried to kill me, why? MIB: I want to leave. J: As long as I’m alive, you’re not going anywhere. MIB: Now you know why I want to kill you. J: Somebody else will take my place. MIB: Then I will kill them too. J: Have some wine, to pass the time, see ya around. MIB: sooner than you think and then smashes the wine bottle on the rocks. I don’t think I really need to explain much of that, as it is very direct, self explanatory, and what we need more of in the near future.

Very enjoyable hour plus of TV viewing. Sorry about the religious angle I took on this episode, but it was hard not to. I have little hope that Tuesday’s Jin and Sun episode will be worth a sh!!t, but taking into consideration this Richard story, if half of the remaining episodes will be as good, we are going to get a hell of a finish to this series.

6.8 Recon

2010-03-22T11:26:00.001-07:00

Random thoughts….I suppose there was a conversation about 6 years ago in some ABC executive’s office. “So, tell us about your idea”. “It’s a show about nothing.” “Nothing?” “You see, it’s just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read, your plane crashes on an island. Then, 6 years later, everybody is still watching a show about absolutely nothing. Nothing happens, nothing is explained, nothing is nothing.” “Brilliant!! Here is a bag of cash, including the dollar sign on the outside of the bag.” Remember when the executive producers responded to criticism of the Kate episode a couple of weeks ago by tweeting “If you don’t like it, go watch NCIS: Los Angeles”? So, does anybody know what channel it’s on? Oh, come on. I am still a fan of the show. Why would I waste so much time on these recaps and random thoughts? I’m just doing what any loving MIB would do when his ‘ho gets out of line and you need to crack her across the face to teach her a thing or two about a thing or two. Pimpin’ ain’t easy. With only a handful of episodes left, why do the writers insist on making Season Six mostly uneventful and so boring? 10 minutes after the episode ended, I found myself out in my backyard digging a grave for myself and muttering about green beans and bananas. Do you think it’s a painful way to go if you beat yourself to death with a rock? If Jacob touching you makes you practically immortal, does this make the most indestructible thing on the island Jacob’s wiener? If Richard ‘watched them all die” in response to Sun’s query last season, shouldn’t he be at least a bit surprised to see Jack and Hurley in the last episode? New York City is about to ban salt. That’s not a question. But I just felt like taunting New York City. I suppose you can find a couple of diamonds in any LOST episode, but this one was a whole dam coal mine with a hell of a lot of coal. Did anybody have their window open Tuesday night and hear me yelling “I am very disappointed with you people!!!” to no one in particular, but with the LOST writers in mind. Half way through Recon, I almost felt like filling out my census form to help pass some time. Almost. I’m tired of wearing tin foil hats, and not just because it makes my head look like a baked potato, but it’s to keep the supermarkets with their satellites from spying on us. I wonder what it would be like to be infected and insane and have animal skulls lying around my house. And where would I find the room, with all the jars of urine taking up space. I’ve dug little computer chips out of my skull before. Maybe it was just bits of rock. Evil Incarnate has a mother? A kind correspondent informed me that Matthew Fox appeared on Sesame Street recently. How sad that an inanimate thing with a hand up it’s ass could be so terrible on camera. Yes, I’m talking about Jack. This was a really weak episode. I just wasted a lot of time typing just to get to that last sentence.

They skipped the “Previously on LOST” thing this week. I don’t know why I noticed that. Sawyer is not trapped in the cave of names. How did he get out with the ladder broken? Who cares, because little bits of detail like that aren’t important anymore. Whee!!! Just sit back and drool like you just had a lobotomy and Chief is perched over you with a pillow. Juicy Fruit is a disappointment in how quickly it loses flavor. Five seconds of pleasure, and then nothing. Sort of like sex. So Sawyer turned a frozen donkey wheel and was transported back to the top of the cliff or something like that. Sawyer is heating up something in a kettle that is brackish, brown and liquidy. He offers Jin a cup of mud.
6.6 Sundown
Jin is nursing his bad leg, most likely at Claire’s camp. Sawyer is either with Jin or stuck in a cave with no ladder to climb back up to the top.
Jin wants to leave camp. Why? Oh come on. Groan. “I need to find my wife.” I hope they are finally reunited. In the belly of a shark. “That is not Locke.” “I know.” Has anybody else noticed how many times the characters on the show have been saying this. “That’s not Locke.” It’s like the writers are trying to tell us something over and over and over again, something we knew back in Season 5. I’m getting annoyed. OK. More annoyed. Sawyer reassures Jin. You know, for a guy that just had his leg eaten by a bear trap about a day ago, Jin is hobbling around pretty well. That magical healing island is still alive and kicking. MIB arrives with his gaggle of silly geese, the Others. Sawyer makes a point to say Hi to Kate, as I vomit in my mouth. Which is preferable to vomiting out your ears. You wouldn’t think this was possible, but I’ve lost a few Q-tips too. Sawyer is in bed with a dame. Not a surprise, considering how many people Sawyer has slept with on the show. Vincent is still mad that Sawyer never called the next day. Sawyer is running the ‘ole pigeon drop con that we saw many seasons ago. But he is doing it very, very badly. This was some miserable acting for a con artist. Sure, this could very well have been intentional in a spoof of cop shows from the 70’s and 80’s and yes I’m talking to you CHIPS. I suppose if Sawyer isn’t a real con man anymore, but is probably very unpolished in his delivery. So, the woman pulls a gun on Sawyer and says “how stupid do you think I am?” This is a parroting of the Season 4 scene where Miles and Daniel have Jack and Kate at gunpoint in the jungle, and Jack tells Miles to drop his gun. Juliet and Sayid were in the bushes to ambush Miles, and of course Miles told Jack “how stupid do you think I am”? So, of course, after Sawyer gives the magic word “Abracadabra”..ah, I watched Half Baked on TV this weekend, sorry, when Sawyer says “LaFleur”, Miles this time gets the drop on somebody. The room fills with cops. OK, I’ve read plenty of books, I’ve studied police procedures. Where is it written that it is permissible to actually sleep with a suspect in a stakeout? Did these cops just watch and/or listen to Sawyer getting some? This was creepy porno shoot or something. Great horny toads. So, Sawyer is cop. Cue LOST music, and I am not impressed. Weak beginning to this episode. Very weak. But, you then have to wonder why the fock would Sawyer, a cop, allow a handcuffed Kate in the elevator of the airport escape. Why? They didn’t look like they recognized each other. Sawyer is not only a cop, he’s a frigging bad one on top of that. All he had to do was “Psst” to the security guys in the elevator and point at Kate.

Claire is packing a few things and then takes a moment to admire her skull baby. Kate peeks over Claire’s shoulder and you can see the wheels turning in her head as Kate is trying to come up with a plan to steal this baby as well. Considering Claire had 3 years to put this shelter together, it’s pretty horrible. There are holes everywhere, especially the ceiling part. It sort of rains a sh!!t load on the island. So, you’re telling me Claire just sat in mud every time it rained? Claire defends her ugly baby. Have you ever had a situation where a co-worker showed you a baby picture, and the kid was so ugly, you really had to stifle a crazy laugh. Take note people. Not every single child is adorable. Some of them look worse than skull baby. You think Aaron is a cute kid? He has a huge noggin. Aaron looks like something that should be tied down with ropes, moving lazily down the street, past a crowd of people on the sidewalk, during Thanksgiving. MIB gives a speech, promising to answer all their questions, something Jacob never had the decency to do. What happened to all the people at the Temple? The black smoke killed them. So, while MIB is willing to talk, he not willing to go the full distance and tell the whole truth. I guess Smoke Monster confession might not have gone over so well with the audience, like an announcement over the PA system in Walmart. Claire decides to hold hands with Kate. Um, that’s more of a public display of affection than I’ve ever done. In fact, I wouldn’t allow my parents hold my hands when I was crossing the street. And that was just last week. Locke reassures Zach. “I promise I will take care of you.” OK, by taking care of, do you mean kill? And how old is this kid? 10? And he is carrying around a teddy bear? This kid is a nightmare of a mess. Kate questions Sawyer. “You’re with Locke now?” Well, Sawyer was with Juliet for awhile, so I don’t think he is ready to rush into anything serious any time soon. Sawyer is not with anybody. Kate is so excited that she pees a little. James Ford is wheeling and dealing on the phones, looking for Anthony Cooper circa Alabama in 1976. This was the year before the bomb detonated on the island, the incident, and it seems that things that happened prior to the bomb still happened. Sawyer’s parents are still dead. Miles is Sawyer’s partner, reestablishing their working relationship as they were Dharma security on the island. But in this reality, they are not boss-worker, but partners. You’ve come a long way, baby. We learn that Miles’ father, Dr Chang, is alive and works in a museum that comes alive during the wee hours of the night. Sawyer is set up on a blind date, since Miles so tactfully put it, “Do you want to die alone?” I don’t particularly want to share a coffin. Who does? Which brings me to WHERE WAS JULIET? Come on, you have to be kidding me. You couldn’t bring her back for this episode. Holy smokes. We are blatantly being told that Sawyer and Juliet were not meant to be together. Miles starts to question Sawyer’s truthfulness. “Are you lying to me?” I understand that the bond between cop partners is very strong; these guys have to trust each other with their lives. But Miles was just so over the top inappropriate with questions into Sawyer’s activities. While MIB sets up camp for a couple of days, Sawyer expresses his impatient at not leaving the island right away. A private chat off in the jungle, and MIB confesses to Sawyer that he is the black smoke that killed the Others at the Temple. “I gave them the choice to leave.” Always a choice. MIB is annoyed that the Others are convinced that they are protecting the island from him, and all MIB wants to do is leave the island. Kill or be killed. MIB is just such a gosh darn teddy bear. Other than the purging and the smash people to death. MIB gives Sawyer a mission. The episode title Recon has a double meaning; to con again and also to gather intelligence. When Jack went to collect intelligence, he brought a thimble. Even when dumdum isn’t in the episode, he is not forgotten by me. I hadn’t forgotten about the Hydra island survivors, apparently neither has MIB. “They mean to do us harm.” Well, other than not having boats or guns or any knowledge of the very existence of people on LOST island, those people certainly pose a risk. MIB flatters Sawyer with a “you’re the best liar I ever met” and gives him hope of flying off the island. Sawyer never stops to think how much open land they would need to taxi a plane, get rolling, and actually take off. There is no way Frank is going to get the Ajira plane off the ground. No way. Plus, when they landed, a branch went through the windshield and shish kabobbed the co-pilot to death. I don’t think there is a Plane Windshield hatch on the island, so that plane is just a bigger waste of space than Zach. I bet Skull Baby could outwit that lunkhead Zach.

Sawyer goes on a blind date, and it turns out to be Charlotte, a person Sawyer had very little interaction with on the island. And I don’t think Miles and Charlotte were friends. They share the common bond of being children on the island, their parents were Dharma, and they time traveled. Still, odd that Charlotte was in Sawyer’s episode. But I guaran-dam-tee that in some plane of existence, Daniel Faraday is howling with rage. Charlotte is still an archeologist, which we know she chose to become to allow her to search for her birthplace. So in a sense, she is searching, much like Sawyer is. When Charlotte smiles, her nose crinkles on the side, like wadding up a brown paper bag before tossing it in the general direction of a garbage can. Recycling? Not a chance. I’m rooting for the end of the world. It looks so odd, like she is wearing a prosthetic nose. I swear, if Roddy Piper looked at her with some sunglasses, he might scream. Charlotte insists that Sawyer doesn’t treat her like all the other girls. What, you don’t want to have sex with Sawyer? Sawyer explains that he had a choice, there is that word again, of becoming a cop or a criminal. Boy, did he choose poorly. We was making some bucks and living the life. Now, not so much. Fast forward, and Sawyer is lying in bed, snuggling with something that was fished out of a lake about 2 months after being dumped. Or a naked Charlotte. Who can tell the difference? Somewhere, Daniel is screaming Noooooooooooooooo!!!!! Sawyer sleeps with yet another LOST female. Charlotte doesn’t want a glass of water, as she is still saturated from the lake. Sawyer says, go ahead and borrow a T shirt, top drawer right hand side. He leaves, and Charlotte immediately goes for the top LEFT hand drawer. She is working on some ulterior motive. Maybe Miles devised a genius plan to have Charlotte sleep with Sawyer and then snoop around. Or maybe Charlotte is a Nosy Nellie. It was just such a bizarre behavior. Did anyone think Sawyer left the room to look through Charlotte’s purse? Charlotte finds a scrap book full of articles and pictures of the death of Sawyer’s parents. Why this isn’t out on the coffee table is something I’ll never understand. It’s a conversation starter, for Pete’s sake. “Get the hell out”. Really, really, really bony Bones leaves. Sawyer arrives at Hydra island, and takes a stroll down memory lane near the polar cages. Ah, those were some truly horrible episodes. Good times, good times. He finds the sun dress that Kate wore 3 years ago. My memory must suck, but when exactly did she go from dress to jeans and shirt again. I’m sure she didn’t escape naked, and she was certainly breaking rocks in the dress. Anyway, Sawyer is staring at the dress, and you know that as soon as the camera pans away, he took a deep sniff. Didn’t Juliet die a day or two ago? Hey, retard, you just going to skip the grieving process and start flirting with the soon to be Skull Baby Snatcher? You just tossed a ring in the lagoon, and that’s it? How can Sun run around the island saying Jin with every other word, and here is Sawyer…ah, screw it. Kate asks Sayid if he is alright. Do you have eyes in your skull? Does he look alright? He looks more stoned than Frank. Claire attacks Kate. Instead of using something with a greater chance of success, like a couple of bullets to the back of the head, Claire decides to wrestle with Kate and try to stab her. Sure, American was rooting for Claire. If she actually killed Kate, Claire would have received enough votes to have won American Idol. Alas, it was not meant to be, and MIB grabs Claire and tosses her aside like a rag doll. MIB lectures to Claire that Kate did what she had to do and took care of Aaron. Just to make sure Claire is paying attention, MIB smacks the taste out of Claire’s mouth. Hilarious. What, no frying pan to the skull? Kate is upset. No, I’m not alright. Basically what Sayid just said. Repetition of dialogue and concepts are really popping up in the last few episodes. Sawyer finds the plane, and a rather large trail leading off into the jungle. I’d hate to see the size of the snail that made it. Sawyer follows it until it ends in a pile of corpses. The Ajiries are dead. What a waste of frequent flyer miles. I expected one to look like Charlotte. You know, lake, corpse…nothing? Tough crowd. Flies buzzing around, and the corpses are pretty ripe. I don’t think that Widmore’s group had time to do this damage this quickly. I didn’t see blood anywhere, leading me to believe that bullets were probably now used. The writers have established through sloppy writing and inconceivable concepts that defy physics that MIB can be in two places at once. So maybe Smokie did this. And we also have the possibility that Ilana and her thugs did this before leaving for the main island. My money is on MIB. A person flees from the scene, Sawyer tackles her. She is Zoe. “I’m the only one left.” Bullsh!!t. Did anybody believe her for a second? Her acting was a notch below Anna Nicole Smith’s.

Liam shows up at Sawyer’s police station, looking for his missing brother Charlie, who was arrested on a drug charge from the Oceanic 815 flight. Sawyer goes the extra mile with “not my department”. Miles confronts Sawyer about his trip to Australia. Miles has run Sawyer’s credit card. Incredibly inappropriate and unethical behavior. Miles is invading Sawyer’s privacy in a belligerent way. Of course Sawyer is hostile to this revelation. Miles talks about them needing to trust each other. I would think that an important step in trust is to NOT run your partner’s credit card, look at his receipts, dig through his trashcans at midnight, or taking a peek at Sawyer’s package while standing next to each other at the urinals. Although, Miles did observe Sawyer having sex with woman from the beginning of the episode. Are we sure Miles doesn’t have a crush on Sawyer? How do you not punch Miles, but then turn around and punch a mirror. Is Sawyer a parakeet? Again, another mirror in an LAX timeline episode, turning point, a self reflective moment. Miles doesn’t want to be Sawyer’s partner anymore. I’m curious if Miles still has the ability to read the minds of dead people. That would be very handy in a homicide division rather than wasting time setting up con artists in a sting. Zoe begins an interrogation of Sawyer. When Sawyer squeezes in a question “how did those people die?” there is a deflection and no answer. I was collecting wood and heard screaming. Yep, Smoke monster. Zoe took it upon herself to drag all the bodies into the jungle and stack them to get all the dead out of the sun. I have a feeling they don’t care all that much about shade, unlike Dr Arzt and his car. Maybe you try to hide in case whatever caused the screaming comes back. Her story just doesn’t make any sense. Are you alone? How many of you are there? Do they have guns? Can you give me their social security numbers so I can run their credit cards? Kate is crying by herself in the jungle. Nothing makes me happier. MIB approaches her. Unfortunately, no slap is forthcoming. No punch. No knocking out all of her teeth. No hitting her over the head with a steel chair when the ref is not looking. Sigh. MIB told Claire that the Others had Aaron because she needed somebody to hate, an enemy. Well, that makes Kate my enemy too. All that anger had to go somewhere. MIB promised to keep everybody safe, and it appears that includes Kate. Fock. Kate: Where’s Sawyer? Oh, for the love of God, don’t you start up too. Where’s Miles? Where’s Sun? Where’s Sawyer? Where’s Skull Baby? They ask fewer where are they now questions on VH1. MIB holds out his hand to Kate, who doesn’t take it. Why is this significant? Does MIB work through touch like Jacob to do something? As Zoe and Sawyer are playing the question game, very much with a feel of Mikhail and Sayid in the Flame hatch just before they brawled, Sawyer questions the plane’s destination. Zoe says Guam, where here boyfriend is. Sawyer is pissed that she has a boyfriend and may not be willing to sleep with him, so he pulls out his gun. Widmore’s goons pop out of the bushes. Yet another example of a Lostie getting captured by another group. Take me to your leader. Again.

MIB is sitting with Kate on the beach, showing her where Sawyer went and chatting about days gone by. MIB: I am not a dead man. My mother was crazy. I had a mother, a very disturbed woman. I had some growing pains, problems that I ended up working my way through, things that could have been avoided if things were different. OK, what a loaded speech. Could MIB be revealing more of the real truth? Hell, he and Jacob could be brothers, competing against each other, set up by their mother to fight on the island. Or is MIB relying on Locke’s memories to draw upon his mentally unstable mother who gave him up for adoption. Maybe MIB is simply lying to gain sympathy with Kate and her awkward situation. Or is MIB really Aaron, who through a glitch in time and space is now a grown up version of Turnip Head. I’m sure this is really important, but any scene with Kate is a nightmare, and I’m not a believer in important crap, so moving along to more trifles and minutia. A guy that looks a lot like Frank Caliendo is marching Sawyer to the Widmore sub at gunpoint. The Widmores are erecting pylons similar to what kept Smokie out of Dharmaville. Sawyer comes home to a dark apartment, a 12 pack, and a microwave dinner. I’m not saying Sawyer is a candidate for manic depression, but he is watching Little House on the Prairie. I mean, you might as well kill yourself. Michael Landon tells us a few things that may apply to LOST. “Nothing is going to happen to us. It’s the way we live in this life. People aren’t really gone when they die. Seems to me that those statements apply to dying on LOST island and then showing up in the LAX timeline. Getting flushed to another timeline. But then again, Juliet said ‘it worked”. So, then where was she in this episode? Frustrating. Since Sawyer is watching Michael Landon, who is very dead, he is reminded of the Corpse Bride that he kicked out of his house the other night. He brings a 6 pack of beer and a sunflower to Charlotte’s door and knocks. I usually show up at these kinds of social situations with a handful of crab grass and a hammer. If she doesn’t like the crabgrass, I hit her with the hammer. Charlotte berates Sawyer as being lonely, guilty, and completely mad. Dude, hammer. H-A-M-M-E-R. Trust me. “You blew it.” That’s what she said. Wokka. Wokka. Wokka. Meanwhile, Charlotte was the one excavating his drawers. That’s what she said. Oh, these are just too easy. Sawyer sees a padlocked room and asks what’s inside. None of your business. Since Widmore was able to return to the island, and was most likely aware of the Ajira disappearance and the gathering of the candidates to return, he may very well have abducted somebody to help the submarine gain access to the island. The island always gets you. Perhaps Desmond? The only other island possibilities would be Walt, Aaron, Eloise. Or maybe Widmore brought a hydrogen bomb and is going to blow up the island again. “He’s here”. As if Widmore was expecting Sawyer to show up. Weird. Sawyer doesn’t shake Widmore’s hand. Such bad manners. Or maybe Sawyer has watched Mallrats and knows all about the stinkpalm. You sent the freighter to kill everybody on the island. I got the distinct impression that Widmore wanted to say “Nobody’s perfect” and then a “Come here, you” and put Sawyer in a headlock and tussle Sawyer’s hair. Instead he goes with “it’s sad how little you really know”. Well, then that makes LOST viewers the saddest of all. Of course Widmore seems to know somewhat of the things happening on the island, but he is most likely just another pawn in the chess game between MIB and Jacob. “We didn’t murder those people.” I suspect that Widmore is telling the truth. He could have used a purge as a selling point to get Sawyer to do what he wants. CW:“Why are you here?” Shouldn’t this be the question that Sawyer should ask? Nobody on this show asks important, pertinent, and common sense questions. John Locke sent me, and we both know that he isn’t really John Locke. We know already. Over and over again. Same observation. Sawyer cuts a deal to bring MIB to Widmore in exchange for safe passage off the island for him and his friends. We really don’t know for sure which side Widmore is on. But I do know that he would love to regain control of the island. I have trouble seeing Widmore and Linus working for the same side. While Sawyer is trying to run a con, I’m thinking that it’s going to fail miserably.

Claire finds Kate and apologizes for trying to kill her. My heart sank. So, you won’t be killing Kate after all the trouble the plot went to in putting that thought into our heads? “I know you care about me and Aaron. I don’t know why I did that.” This is the first time in history a parent has apologized to the kidnapper. And then hugged them. Can you hear me grinding my teeth? MIB greets Sawyer returning from his boat cruise, but didn’t have a traditional lea and fruity drink to bestow on Mr. Ford. You didn’t send me to go find passengers, now did you? Ah, my con is bigger than your con. Widmore is there, setting up pylons, hiding something, armed crew, and Sawyer is to bring MIB to him. That hole in MIB’s shirt where Sayid poked him with the knife is extremely distracting. Can’t anybody sew? How about a new shirt? MIB thanks Sawyer for his loyalty, which is just ridiculous. If MIB put together an elaborate long con to kill Jacob, how does he not know what shenanigans Sawyer is up to? Of course Sawyer is playing both sides. That’s what conmen do. And MIB knows it. Miles hops into Sawyer’s car to hear the story of Sawyer’s parents death. Sawyer even brought the coffee table scrap book of death along, so to be turned into a George Romero movie. Sawyer was following a lead to Australia and when he finds Anthony Cooper, he is going to kill him. Miles is still acting pissy. Why didn’t you tell me? Yes, I’m going to try to stop you. This is like a bad romantic comedy, which is blatantly redundant. Before the scene gets any more mushy and somebody decides to hold Sawyer’s hand, a car for no reason at all drives up the cops, swerves and rams into their car. Very avoidable accident. Nobody was in pursuit of the car. Why did it crash? Makes no sense. Kate jumps out of the passenger side door and runs. At first, I though the dope was wearing a helmet inside the car, which makes even less sense. Sawyer runs down the perpetrator. Good. Give her a lethal injection. Just kill her in a timeline, any timeline. Kate is apparently cooking a rabbit over campfire, because there are plenty of rabbits to catch in a jungle without the benefit of them being in a cage in hatches that are nowhere near by. Sawyer spells out his brilliant plan of Widmore and MIB fighting it out, and how he and Kate will get off the island. We are not taking the plane, but the sub. OK, genius. You don’t think you can find a pilot for the plane, and I’ve already outlined the problems with the plane plan earlier. Who is going to pilot the sub? It doesn’t drive itself. I hope Locke manages to blow up this sub too. Stupid sub. Truly, an awful ending to a pretty lousy episode. Incredibly anticlimactic. We really need to pick up the pace of the show. But I’m feeling less optimistic about the direction we are heading. From what I understand, the next episode we get to see will be the story of a blithering idiot who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on. Richard Magoo, you’ve done it again.

6.7 Dr. Linus

2010-03-14T14:48:00.001-07:00

After repeated viewings, I simply did not like this filler episode. I thought it was the second worst episode of the season, being a little better than the Kate debacle. Granted, this was a transitional episode, as we leave the Temple arc behind us. But I’m in a sour mood this week, being a bit ill. No, I’m not dying, so stop rejoicing. Add in the fact that I look at the world differently than most people. I fear that I will be even more boring than usual, with very few humorous moments, if any. Well that part isn’t anything different. Playing to my worst fears, we just witnessed the downfall of one the best characters in LOST. The legendary character of Ben is besmirched forever in my eyes. What happened to the bad ass that purged a whole damn initiative? The guy that yelled at Juliet “You’re Mine!!!” The man that taunted Widmore that he was about to kill his daughter a few seconds before shooting Desmond? A guy that sent a freighter full of people to their demise. The man that stabbed God, well, a guy with special powers that is getting away with kid touching, but LOST probably doesn’t want us to mention that. The man that saved a paralyzed man from suicide, only to strangle him 2 minutes later. Ben was digging a grave because Ilana made him. Ben was also digging symbolically so that we the viewers can lay to rest the memories we had of a master manipulator who tormented Jack and Locke and the rest of the gang for season after season. Let’s see if I can do the eulogy thing better than Linus did at Locke’s island funeral. Here lies Benjamin Linus. Kidnapper. Master of Genocide. Crybaby. A man that sank an island with his river of tears. Amen. So many, many illogical bullsh!t character responses and behaviors in situations this week. I understand that you need to suspend belief at times for certain island activity, time travel and homicidal puffs of smoke among them. But if this show is supposedly about characters, how about we have them act rational once in a while, other than bizarreness needed to advance certain storylines.

Remember when Ben sashayed up the hill, away from Juliet weeping at Goodwin’s dead body, after yelling with spittle at her “You’re mine”, we’ve been quite consistent in pointing out that Ben is a hip swiveling maniac, a male version of Beyonce. He ran effeminately away from Keamy when Kate and Sayid and the Others took out his men back in Season 4. Ben runs a bit like a girl in high heels. I’m not saying a very young Ben put on dresses and lipstick and accessorized, but Roger sure did drink a hell of a lot for one reason or another. So, Ben is sashaying as if he just the Costume Design Oscar at the Academy Awards and doesn’t want to trip on his lovely flowery Versace custom made flowingly long speckled gown at a rapid pace in the jungle, and runs into Ilana, Frank, Sun, and Miles. Ilana wants to know where he bought those lovely shoes. Instead, Ben shares intel that Sayid killed Dogen and his interpreter. Lennon was important enough that Ben doesn’t remember his name roughly 10 minutes after he died. Since Sayid was standing over their dead bodies with a bloody dagger, so Ben is quite sure they are dead. Dead is not necessarily dead when it comes to the pool, as Sayid showed us, but we are moving along after I wasted several sentences talking about fashion. Stupid Oscars. Inglorious Basterds was robbed. I hope a really heavy chandelier drops on Sandra Bullock’s head. I think they forgot to show Boner in the death montage. Sun opens her mouth and I groan. Here it comes. She can’t help herself. Where is Jin? Have you seen Jin? Jin, come ou,t come out, where ever you are. Being Jin Malkovich. Jin Jin JIN. Jin? Jin. Jin. To my complete disbelief, she says: You mean the Temple is not safe? Ben is reporting deaths at the Temple. You mean the Temple is not safe? In the annuls of brilliant statements, this ranks with “How much does this cost?” when you are shopping at the Dollar Store, or asking “Would you like another free drink?” to me, or saying “I’m going to spend all day trying to lick my elbow”. But I am so baffled that Sun didn’t use the J word, I’m going to leave her alone. After all, in case you didn’t know it, she is distraught over Jin. What’s the plan boys? Hey, I know, let’s head to the Losties Beach. It’s one of the worst strategic locations on the island, despite what Ben said. You have a multitude of hatches and stations you could head to, maybe go to the tunnels, or even the Barracks. Strategically, at least you are not in the wide open. But that’s what Sawyer wanted to do during the time travel episodes, that’s what Rose and Bernard did. The old reliable fall back plan. These people are homing pigeons. Doesn’t this show reek of repetition and familiarity? As this episode progresses, it has the feel of a Season 2 or 3 episode. You remember, the seasons with all those fillers?. Take note that there was great effort on eveybody’s part to try to refer to Michael Emerson as “Linus”, and purposeful avoidance of the word “Ben”. Dr Linus is lecturing about a man he greatly resembles right now on the island. Napoleon was exiled from France to the island of Elba, off the coast of Italy. Napoleon was the sovereign ruler of Elba, but was still under the thumb of British rule. Ben explains that everything changed, Napoleon was devastated by his loss of power, kept his title on an island, but it was meaningless, he might as well have been dead. Napoleon had fallen from French Emperor to tiny island rock star. Ben has gone from leader of the Others to just another island guy. I felt there really was a major, major push to parallel concepts from island to LAX this week more than previous weeks. Maybe because the writers are sensing how much we find the LAX stuff borderline boring, uninteresting, and uninspired. Although, this week, I actually thought the LAX was better than the island, and that is a recipe for disaster. Ben is approached by Principal Reynolds. Yes, the name Reynolds appears on Jacob’s list. It’s a name found in the cave, but as of yet, no number has been linked to the name. If you look at the list I posted in 6.5 Lighthouse, Reynolds is all the way at the end of the list. Same guy? Possibly. He’s the only Reynolds in the Lost series so far. Ben is now supreme ruler of detention and has been blocked from running his History Club with a whopping membership of 5 students. History Club is so dreadful, the Chess Club takes their lunch money every day. The principal claims that Ben is only running it for his own sense of being needed. While island Ben always has an answer, LAX Ben is a mugger threatening to pistol whip a potential victim with a wet sock. He practically whimpers, its Dr Linus, actually. His lips were moving, but all I heard was “It’s Ted, actually. You can’t do this to me, Dr Kelso. Random student: Hey, Ted, you have egg salad and flop sweat on your tie. Ted: What? Again? Ooooh. Ted slaps the top of his bald spot with the palm of his hand. In the lunchroom, there is no sign of Janitor, but Dr Arzt is still the same blathering ass. I hope they keep his character around as much as possible. He has been pouring formaldehyde all over his shirt because he has been carrying around hard boiled eggs in his front pocket, and who doesn’t like a nice picked egg for a snack? He needs some aprons and new equipment and someone that can stand there for 5 minutes in silence while Arzt finishes a sentence. He buys his shirts from Marshalls, which is actually a classier place than I frequent. Sure Arzt might get summers off and a crappy pension, but that snob doesn’t have to rub it in. Ben seems to think that schools and teachers should be about helping children. Spoken like someone that doesn’t spend 4 hours every day on public transportation with teenage monsters that reek of pot, menthol, and failure. Locke has a bit part this week, but it packs a wallop. Maybe you should be principal. Ambition, thy name is Bennifer. Locke: it sounds like you care about this place, and if the man in charge doesn’t, maybe it’s time for a change. That sentence seemed just as appropriate for the island, as we see a constant battle for power. Miles asks Ben about the Temple, and “what was that thing back there”? Well, this isn’t the first time Miles has seen it. He was in the Barracks house when Keamy shot Alex, as he was the one that brought the walkie talkie to Ben. He saw the monster be “summoned” and attack. He saw it drag one of Keamy’s men into the jungle. He seems to be asking the question as if it’s the first time he has seen it, but it’s the way the writers chose to introduce the ploy to get the truth of Jacob’s death into the open. Very clumsily done. Ben says that it killed Ilana’s friends at the statue and killed Jacob. Ilana confronts Ben about Jacob, as if Jacob told her ahead of time what Ben was going to do. Ilana gathered up some of Jacob’s ashes in the foot a few episodes ago. She somehow knows all about Miles’ ability. With all this information in her head, somebody must have spent a lot of time tutoring her in a library. How did he die? Miles confirms that Linus killed him. Ben counters with: Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! Linus was standing over Jacob’s dead body with a bloody dagger, so Miles is quite sure he is dead, mimicking Ben’s exact words from moments ago. Repetition. Ilana says Jacob was like a father to her. I don’t know where they are going with the Ilana story line, but I’m getting tired of her. She’s a character I just don’t care about in a positive or negative way. I just don’t care. Do something or die.

Setting up the Losties camp. Ben claims that Miles is lying because of the bribe attempt, when Ben was a prisoner of Locke’s at the Barracks in Season 4 for 3.2 million dollars. Ben looks at a microwave reflection, like it was a mirror, a running theme on LAX episodes this season. He is living with his sickly father, who ironically is getting an oxygen tank changed by Ben, who gassed him during the Dharma purge in the other timeline. Ben is sad that he is a loser. Roger had envisioned a better life for them in the Dharma Initiative on an island. He called them decent people. They had left the island at some point. Roger and Ben came to the island around the time Ben was ten in the not-boring-as-sh!t time line. Ben’s mother died in child birth, causing Roger to blame Ben for Emily’s death. Roger hated the island and being a workman. Now, in the sh!!ty timeline, Roger and Ben are pals. But Dharma was a commonality. When did they leave? Why? Ben was in the Temple during the Incident last season, shot by Sayid. Then the bomb went off. They left after the bomb? Another time line, somehow? A third one? At least. Right now, the island is under water, right? So, when does the island get submerged? My head hurts. Alex rings the door bell and needs tutoring. Holy hell, they tried to make her look really, really young. On the beach, uh oh, Sun is on screen. “I need to find my husband.” There it is. They fooled me this week. It was the second time Sun talked. She had more than one line, so they diversified. Ilana explains that she or Jin is a candidate to replace Jacob and she needs to protect them. There are 6 candidates left. (Hurley, Jack, Sawyer, Sayid, Kate, Jin/Sun) Hurley wakes up in the jungle and yells Cheese Curds. I have no idea what this means, but can you imagine that these could possibly be the last words that you speak before dying. How embarrassing. Must be nice to be the only one on the island that we know has gotten some sleep since Season 6 has began. Jack wants to head back to the Temple, but Hurley keeps stalling with all the subtlety of a Borat at a tea party asking where to dispose his little baggie of poo. Hey, there’s Richard popping out of the jungle. No, I didn’t say ”pooing”. This is the first time Jack has seen Richard since they were working together to get Jughead to where it needed to go, and this is the very first time Hurley has met Richard. Ben searches Sawyer’s old tent, and discovers a video of “Booty Babes” and he is probably thinking about the VCR on the island. New plan people. We have to go back to the Barracks. A book is lying about, The Chosen, a probable reference to Jacob and MIB. Ben tells Frank that he remembers the Oceanic breaking up over the island like it was yesterday, when it broke in half. Wrong. Try again. Ben saw the plane break into THREE parts, the tail section, the fuselage, and the cockpit. It was very clear from his vantage point, the start of the Season 3. Why did Ben say 2? Maybe it broke in half in other loops. Yes, I am still clinging to the Groundhog Day, Matrix, Loops Theory. How does Ben make this kind of obvious mistake, for no purpose? Frank explains that he was supposed to be the original pilot of that plane, but he overslept. Ben is shocked by this tidbit. Why? He knew everything about everybody on the freighter. He recited back the resumes to Charlotte and Keamy. He was getting intel from Michael. Ben never made the connection that Frank was to be the original pilot. Really? Mikhail pulled up profiles on all of passengers on the original Oceanic 815 in the Flame hatch, but the pilot switch never came up in the research. Very, very odd. Or just sloppy writing. I guess it didn’t matter, since the island got Frank anyway. Ilana puts a gun to Ben’s neck and marches him into the Losties beach graveyard. Ilana was somehow able to defy all reasonable expectations and built shackles out of spare parts lying on the beach. She’s a witch. Ben is told to start digging. My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. What, you expected a Casino reference with Joe Pesci in the desert? Go screw. Why doesn’t Ilana just shoot Ben? Why go to the trouble of him burying himself. Afraid the boars will get him? Afraid MIB will claim him? Build tension in the plot? The MIB can certainly appear as somebody buried, for example Libby. So it’s a lame plot device.

Ben’s book in the school library is open to a page on the East India Trading Company. We learn that Widmore was buying the journal of the first mate of the Black Rock at the auction that Desmond caught up with him in the episode the Constant where Desmond was traveling back and forth between 1996 and 2004. The Black Rock was a British trading vessel that set sail from Portsmouth, England on March 22, 1845, on a trading mission to the Kingdom of Siam. And there’s your tie in, nice and neat. Alex is unable to answer a question about India and finds herself frustrated. Ben tells her it’s only a test. It’s completely surreal watching Alex and Ben sharing some nice moments off island, in a comfortable relationship of mentor and student, while on island it was a tempestuous caldron of emotion between kidnapper and Stockholm Syndrome victim. Hey, did anybody see Karl in this episode? I didn’t. My mother works two jobs, I’ve just got to get into Yale. Yeah? I worked three jobs and put myself through college. I have no sympathy for Alex. In the real world, not having a degree from Yale isn’t going to destroy your life. You can still be wildly successful. Sigh, kids and their ultimatums. Even Ben gets it, as he says he doesn’t worry about her future at all. Of course, her future got cut short on the island, so I suspect that community college is probably better than getting a bullet in your skull. She needs a letter of recommendation from pervert Reynolds. Ben: did he touch you? There has been way to many uncomfortable kid touching references in this show lately. Eww, yuck. How old they are making Alex out to be? She was 16 on the island. It’s like they are trying hard to make an actress than looks 28 act like a 12 year old. Just creepy, and gets creepier. Can you keep a secret? I’m expecting Chris Hansen to pop out from behind book case and offer Ben some brownies and lemonade. It’s a sting. The principal and the school nurse were playing doctor. And Alex watched them. Ok, I’m checking out here. No comment. Ben swears a promise is a promise, and to be fair, Ben did keep some promises on the island, like letting Michael leave, or letting the Losties take the helicopter to leave the island. Miles offers Ben some green beans and banana, two flavors that go as well together as gasoline and toothpaste. Ben offers the 3.2 million. Miles, and we knew it would happen eventually, brags that he knows that Nikki and Paulo were buried with 8 million in diamonds on top of them. Ben says Jacob didn’t care about getting killed. Miles corrects him, and says Jacob cared, and right up until the second the knife went through his heart, he hoped he was wrong about Ben. Leads me to a few thoughts. First, Jacob knew all about Ben from the pool. What if Jacob could scan a person’s thoughts like MIB, but needed the pool to do it. Once he scanned Ben in the water when young Ben was shot and needed to be healed, he made a judgment. Maybe. But even though Jacob knew that he would be killed, he was hoping Ben wouldn’t do it. Strange plan for ending the game with MIB. You have to wonder if Jacob could have died at the hands of someone else. We just don’t know for a fact what the loophole is, just speculation. Ilana takes an irrational gun shot at the ground. Dig. Hurley begins a conversation, making me wonder if the LOST writers are 8 years old. So, we are not time traveling? Richard: No. H: You look the same as you did 30 years ago. (You’ve never met him in any scene in Season 5 during the Dharma 1977 year you were on the island.) Sloppy writing, or evidence of a previous loop? You decide. What are you? Cyborg? Vampire? Aqua Teen Hunger Force? R: Jacob gave me a gift. Is this like a gift that MIB has been giving out like candy at Halloween? Or Jacob gave to Dogen? A deal? Such as, Richard asking to be immortal, or did he get locked into a bad deal? They arrive at the Black Rock. Everybody at the Temple is dead. So, Richard finally got there, way after MIB did, although Richard had a huge head start. Remember, MIB took Sawyer out to the caves. Richard took the scenic route. I don’t care how fast MIB can travel in Smokie form. Richard should have got there first. Richard didn’t see Sayid or Kate but “everybody” is dead. Come on, now you’re just focking with us. Sure, you can create a drinking game out of how many times Jack cries in an episode, but this is just blatant attempts to make us drunk and wobbly. Jack confronts Hurley about the stalling, and Hurley admits that Jacob hinted at bad stuff. Richard tells Hurley not to believe anything Jacob tells him and that it’s time to die. So, Hurley is afraid to tell Jack important information because Jack either becomes a destructive, violent, reactive, unthinking rage-aholic or cries when you give him unexpected information, and Hurley can’t take the chance of Jack crying again. Richard is a disillusioned disciple lashing out at his previous messiah, or thinks the MIB could appear as Jacob since much like Locke, Jacob is dead. At least Richard has a plan, albeit a short term plan.

Dr Arzt is flunking kids with panache. You can see why he never was allowed to hang out with the cool kids, as he lamented about some of the Losties going on adventures while he and the other muckity mucks stayed behind to do chores. Ben: You’re good with computers, right? What an odd way to phrase, “hey, you want to break the law and have the FBI send you to “pound me in the ass prison”?”, but Ben is the linguist, not me. Can you hack into the nurse’s account? When Ben first entered the room, there was a student near the front of the room. What an odd conversation to have when there is the danger of being overheard. The cool thing with Arzt is that he is a direct man. “I don’t have time for 20 questions.” He needed to be killed off early in the show, otherwise we would have had answers much sooner than Season 6. Most of the Losties are moving along on a fluffy cloud on a morphine drip. Kim the nurse if having an inappropriate relationship with Reynolds. Arzt: You’re making a play for the big job. Direct and to the point. Just relish the uniqueness of that quality on this show. The deal is made for a cushy parking spot, aprons, and lab equipment. Not exactly Keamy demanding that somebody better pay him. But Arzt makes pickled eggs, good pickled eggs. Arzt is surprised by and impressed with Ben’s killer instinct. Don’t be, because it is just a temporary mirage. Richard is searching the Black Rock. Yes, he has been here before, but it’s the first time he has returned since he has been on the island. Well, the writers are out of time, so we have to start following their conclusions no matter if the puzzle pieces fit of not. As has been speculated by many, including me for a couple of seasons, Richard was likely a member of the slave ship Black Rock. MIB said it was nice to see him out of his chains. It bothers me that so many people have called Richard ancient, old, etc but the Black Rock arrived around 1845. Ancient to me means maybe a thousand years. Maybe 10 thousand years. 150 years or so is maybe a couple of generations. Not impressive. Unless you’ve been trapped in loops, then 150 x 10 loops, then we are in business. Yes, again, I’m still clinging to the Loop theory. Richard finds dynamite and discovers that he sucks at juggling as the dynamite bounces off tables and things. R: I can’t kill myself, you have to do it, Jacob touched me, it is a gift and a curse. Pause for a second. This is very reminiscent of Michael not being able to kill himself off the island after several suicide attempts. He blew up with the raft season one but survived. He needed to serve his purpose; then was allowed to die. Dawson was candidate #124. There were plenty of candidates on Oceanic 815, and most of them survived the plane crash. Jin survived the freighter explosion against all odds. Seems like the candidates are resilient, until they are crossed off the list and someone else kills them. I wonder what would have happened if Hurley jumped off the cliff at Dave’s (MIB) suggestion during Season 2? Hey, he can’t kill himself, right? We are starting to see how the rules work, but I’m convinced Mr Eko was on the list #49, but MIB killed him. Isn’t that against the rules? Jack was on the bridge ready to jump in the flashforwards, but a convenient car crash made him jump back. It certainly made Sayid a great assassin to go after Widmore’s people, if he couldn’t die. Ben didn’t seem to know or care about candidates because he sure didn’t protect them, like sending #48 Goodwin on a suicide mission or ordering the death of all the male Losties on the beach during Season 3. Oh, yeah. Richard Alpert is not on the list, therefore not a candidate, but was touched by Jacob nonetheless. So, there are different types of touches that Jacob doles out. Back to Richard’s speech. R: I dedicated my life, more time than you can possibly imagine (sounds like more than 150 years) to a man that said everything was happening for a reason, that he had a plan, a plan he would share with me when the time was right, so why do I want to die? I just found out that my entire life has no purpose, you can light it for me Jack. A bit touching, I liked it much more than the Ben speech soon to come. That would be a disappointing life for Richard, but Jacob is a son of a b!tch that drives a hard bargain. I suppose he is testing Richard’s loyalty here, but you would think after all this time, Richard would have earned it. Or at least earned the knowledge of what exactly the outline of the plan was, or at least something. Richard doesn’t even seem to know the word “candidate” here either. He just knows he can’t kill himself. I don’t entirely blame him for feeling betrayed and miserable. Jack decides that if Richard wants to die, we can’t stop him, and lights the fuse. Stop. We are about to be given the obvious Jack is the Man of Faith garbage. Because Locke was the Man of Faith, and Jack the Man of Science, and now Jack is being transitioned. Really? More like into the Man of Dumb. Jack is going to light the fuse. Here is a crazy idea, Nuts. Sh!t my pants crazy. How about before Richard potentially is being picked out of Hurley’s shirt for the next couple of weeks, you ask him to tell you all that he knows. How about some sharing of knowledge? You light the fuse, and THEN want to get some answers? Really? In twenty seconds? I went ballistic every single time I re-watched this lunacy. Let’s talk. I desperately want the explosion that ends the Jack story. I’m willing to sacrifice Richard. For the greater good.

The hissing of a fuse, and Hurley has ants in his pants. Jack proclaims that he will be fine and that neither he nor Richard will die. Jack: I just came from a lighthouse, a mirror reflected the house I grew up in, Jacob wanted me to know this, I have no idea why, he brought me to the island for a reason and not to for me to blow up right now. Richard points out that this is a big risk, Jack closes his eyes, and the fuse burns out. Jack grins. See, I’m not buying this. Locke crashed on the island, a paralyzed man, started walking, and it was clear that he had a connection to the island. He was special. Jacob has been dragging Jack along, kicking and screaming, to become another Locke. Locke is dead. How did that work out? I have no idea why Jack, of everybody on this planet, is the guy Jacob has wasted so much time on. Short sighted, irrational, cry baby, lack of common sense, and that’s just Jacob. Jack decided last season it was his destiny to set off a hydrogen bomb. Why? Because Daniel said it was a good idea. Sawyer was kicking Jack’s head around a bit early this season because “you were wrong”. So, Jack has now wrapped his pea brain around the concept that he is special because Jacob was spying on him when he was a child. Not caring that other people were on that dial in the lighthouse, not caring that Hurley was on that dial, Jack is self absorbed. Jack has become megalomaniacal. And this is now Jacob’s hope. A guy that is taking his and Richard’s and possibly Hurley’s life and putting them in harm’s way. Yeah, that’s a big risk for “I have no idea why”. Well, Locke did feel that way at one point, when he decided not to push the button. That didn’t exactly work out as planned. This whole Jack thing feels wrong. Richard: You seem to have all the answers, now what? Jack: Back to where we started. Another repetition, going to the fall back plan. Re-seting at the beach, again. We hear the MIB sounds, and he stands before Ben, hidden out of Ilana’s sightline by a bush. Ben complains bitterly that he is digging because he was talked into killing Jacob, Ilana is his bodyguard, she knows what Ben did. MIB doesn’t want Ben to die and that he was coming back for him. MIB is going to take people off the island, and someone will have to be in charge of the island. MIB can’t think of a better man for the job. To begin with, is being in charge of the island something that MIB can actually offer to someone, or just lip service? MIB claims that he always does what he says. But he seemed to dance around a concrete offer to Ben of running the island, just a bunch of subtle hints instead. And if it’s legitimate, is this an offer the MIB has been making, if you can have anything you want.? He believes that Ben wants to rule the island more than anything, especially after scanning him in the basement of the Temple. MIB frees Ben and tells him to join him at the Hydra station, he was leaving a gun for him, and don’t hesitate to shoot her. This really shows MIB planning ability, knowing to leave the gun in the jungle even before talking to Ben. This also mirrors Dogen’s scene with Sayid, a warning of not hesitating to shoot. Repetition. Ben takes a look around, and swivel hips makes a gangly dash for the jungle, with Ilana in hot pursuit. Ben confronts Principal Reynolds with the illegally obtained emails. I know that I keep bringing up illegal, but there was a case in Philadelphia between news anchors and a hacked email account. Bad things happened, criminal things happened. Has anybody else notice that this guy playing Reynolds was the corrupt professor in Real Genius and the sleazy reporter in Die Hard and the d!ck EPA representative in Ghostbusters? The shenanigans happened on school property, and then there is the matter of Mrs. Reynolds. Ben is very precise, he wants a resignation, a letter of recommendation, and he principal job. Reynolds sees the full house that Ben is holding. Oh, yeah? Let me show you what I like to call my pair of 3s. Alex Rousseau wants a recommendation. Well, we now know that Danielle is still Alex’s mother, although they don’t seem to be living in France. Anyway, “it works both ways, the ball is in your court”. Now, I’m a Man of Logic. My response to Reynolds would have been along the lines of “I’m going to glue crushed glass to my fists, dip them in AIDS, and punch my way from your assh0le up to the back of your teeth.” Now, let’s consider Ben’s non assault options. He could say “Well, I guess you will just have to write 2 letters of recommendation, as I still have the emails” or wait until Alex goes to Yale, then dust off the emails and confront Reynolds again or “go ahead and try to ruin her chances, I’ll show the emails to Yale” although that is bringing in outsiders which I don’t prefer. Including the AIDS punching, there are 4 options that Ben can take. A couple of them are even logical. Especially the one that asks for 2 letters right away. It’s over. Ben wins. Reynolds can talk about Machiavellian maneuvers and unfortunate side effects and ruining Alex’s future, but he has no leverage. Most importantly, Ben needs to do the greater good. He said earlier that teachers need to take care of the children, and that he was not worried about Alex’s future. So, if you think you will do better at being a principal than the guy currently in charge, the greater good is to allow Alex to be sacrificed and take care of the all the other children in year’s to come. R: Is power that important to you? I think this is the wrong question. Sure, the writers are trying to dumb it down for the audience and make it about the Ben and Alex relationship and Ben’s redemption. But I see this more logically and less emotionally. The right thing for Ben to do is throw Alex under the bus. He did the right thing on the island too. Keamy would have killed everybody on the island including Ben if he came out of the house. Strategically, it would sound for Alex to die. The right question in Reynold’s situation would be Is Alex that important to you, that you are willing to sacrifice everybody other student’s future to save hers? Sigh. I guess I need to leave my thinking hat behind sometimes. I was supposed to approve of Ben’s actions, rather than rebuke them. As I said earlier, I don’t really think like other people. Ilana is chasing Ben, and it’s the world’s slowest and most depressing race. I bet if I put on swimming fins, tied cinderblocks to my ankles, and carried Hurley on my back, I could lap them. Ben grabs the rifle planted by MIB, gets the upper hand, and does what any other villain would do when holding someone at gun point. “I need to explain”. Let’s listen to this mess, a soliloquy that gave me acid reflux . Ben: I need to explain. I know what you are feeling. I watched my daughter Alex die. It was my fault. I had a chance to save her, but I chose the island over her for Jacob. I sacrificed everything for him, and he didn’t even care. I stabbed him. I was angry, confused, terrified that the only thing that mattered to me I was going to lose, my power. But the thing that really mattered to me was already gone. I’m sorry that I killed Jacob, I don’t expect you to forgive me because I don’t forgive myself. Just let me leave. I will go to Locke, he is the only one who will have me. Ilana: I’ll have you. Ben is shocked, follows Ilana. I am cringing so hard, I think I just turned myself inside out. Ew. What a stinkaroonie. Wow, what a disappointing turn of events. Ben is pathetic and wrong on so many levels. Have we all forgotten that Alex isn’t ever related to Ben? If I can give Kate a beating for kidnapping Aaron, then Ben needs to suffer the same beating, not that island Ben isn’t used to getting bruised up and bloody. Kate blubbers when she has to give Aaron to Claire’s mother, Ben is blubbering over losing “his daughter Alex”. But Ben stole her from Danielle. Sure, you can bring up that Ben saved Danielle’s life and Alex’s life by ignoring Widmore’s orders. You can also say he kept a child away from its mother for 16 years and claimed it for yourself. No matter how you slice it, Ben caring about Alex was wrong and selfish. He stole her. So, in reality, Ben’s power should have been the most important thing in his life. Ben then complains that Jacob didn’t even care, which Miles just corrected Ben on while he was digging a grave. If I didn’t know better, Ben is trying to pull one last con with this sappy speech. While I don’t like seeing him weepy, he did do a damn fine job as Henry Gale. So, now that I’ve spent time trashing Ben this week, I will reserve some judgment that he might still be the same Ben he has always been. I hope.

Ben is in the principal’s office, for the most part, snooping. We are meant to think that Ben is now principal for a moment or two, but the writers quickly dispel that twist. Alex wanted to thank Reynolds for the effusive recommendation. Ben denies he had anything to do with it. After an interruption by Principal Reynolds, we discover that Ben no longer has to cover detention and History Club is back. Much like Dr Arzt, when negotiation a huge deal, Ben aims low, and settles for lower. Outside, Ben breaks the news to Arzt that he has no testosterone and that he is willing to trade away his parking spot. Ben’s deal just got even worse. Ben hears a noise above. A pigeon in midflight has just taken a dump. Ben was unlucky to have his mouth open when he looked up. Ilana comes back to the beach with Ben. She points at Ben and yells “Dig”. She then pokes his in the ribs with her elbow and says “I was just joshing. El. Oh. El.”. Ben awkwardly goes to help Sun with her tarp. Slow motion reel again. Miles has gotten a hold of the diamonds. Hurley, Jack, Richard reach the beach, and much like reunion scenes in Season 3 when Jack Kate Sawyer returned from the polar bear escapades, rounding the same beach corner, the cast runs and hugs and shakes hands and does other horrible stuff. There is never an excuse for public displays of affection, people. Ben and Richard are standing off the sides, like the dateless, leering freaks that show up at a high school dance. A sub periscope breaks the surface of the water. They spot the people on the beach. Shall we stop? No, proceed as planned, spoken by Charles Widmore. As I’ve brought up previously, Widmore was being heavily re-introduced into the show, especially last week. He is returning, with an unknown crew. Is he headed to the Hydra island. Sure seems like it. Whose side is he on? Too soon to tell. We can recall that he told Jeremy Bentham and it was very important for Locke to be on the island because a war was coming, and if Locke wasn’t there, the wrong side would win. He truly don’t know the motivations for the actions of Widmore and Hawking, despite them being either leader of the Others, or a high ranking Other. Seems like MIB and Widmore ate headed to the same location. The site of the Ajira survivors.

Let me end with a passage from an article based in the science of brilliant physicist and Science channel superstar, Dr Michio Kaku…
Dead Juliet was right: Faraday's plan did work. And this is where Lost is on solid science ground. Like Fringe, the show is now diving headfirst into multiverse theory, where the river of time forks constantly into different universes. "According to this theory, our universe is a bubble of some sort, which is constantly expanding," explains Michio Kaku, host of the Science Channel's Sci-Fi Science and author of "Physics of the Impossible." "But there are other bubbles out there, floating above us. These other universes are invisible, since light passes below them." Until now, Lost has said that whatever happened, happened. You can't change the past. And that's also right, according to Novikov's self-consistency principle. When the castaways detonated Jughead, they created another universe in which Oceanic 815 never crashed. But they didn't alter their own past—in fact, in some interpretations of quantum theory, they're actually existing in multiple states at the same time. "If time forks into two rivers, then you have two parallel realities, which evolve independently of each other," Kaku says. "Your own past is fixed, but you can meet copies of yourself in parallel universes in different time eras and then change your history. You can chance the past of the alternate reality that split off. It might also be possible that in these other realities, people who are dead in our reality are still alive in other universes—so Elvis might still be alive in another reality." In other words, the castaways simultaneously exist on the island, where they're preparing for an epic battle between good and evil, and in a world where Jacob never touched them. Where they never crashed. Where they don't know each other, as of yet.

And to add to the previous self explanatory passage, I listened to an interview with Dr Kaku recently. I found it fascinating that he said if you travel back in time and kill your mother before you were born, you did not in fact create a paradox. You simply killed somebody that looked like your mother in another universe. Wrap your mind around that one.

I didn’t really feel inspired for this writeup, as is the case when I’m trying to write about an episode that I thought wasn’t very good. Let’s hope for a better effort next week, from LOST and from me. May the worst moments of today be the best parts of your tomorrows.

6.6 Sundown

2010-03-07T23:06:00.001-08:00

A wise man once said if you love somebody, then set them on fire. Well, he might have been an angry man too. All his neighbors said he was quiet and kept to himself, seemed like a harmless little fock. Hardly ever hid in his neighbor’s bushes to spy on the ladies next door undressing. Cats were being found throughout the neighborhood, strangled. People were really upset about the cats. Then homeless people were being found throughout the neighborhood, strangled. People were really upset about the cats. This season is lacking something. I know the people running the show have recently been assuring all the LOST fans that they have no intention of answering all the questions that we have desperately demanded, and that despite the last few seasons being primarily non stop action and excitement and violence and heavy science fiction, the show is really about the characters and their relationships. I suppose it is possible they aren’t watching the same show as me, but the characters are the worst part of the show. Well, at least some of the main ones. Terry O’Quinn is giving the performance of a grandmaster. The rest of the folks, especially this season, not so much. Some are completely useless in every possible way. Yes, I’m talking about Sun. Enough about the characters. Sigh. I really love this show, so it might be time to set it on fire. Just end it now. Unless MIB wins in the end, there is little chance I will feel satisfied with the ending. As Rick Moranis told us in Spaceballs “now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb” Geez, Jacob has really hitched his wagon to the Dumb Train. Jack, Hurley, maybe even Sun. If Jacob’s master plan is to have Jack take his place as the guardian against evil in this world, then Jacob is as sharp as a bowl of mush. I want to bring Jacob back to life so I can kill him. Then bring him back and let MIB kill him again. Talk about loops. Sheesh. I miss the times when I’d be watching a LOST episode and literally say “What the fock?” I haven’t done that this season, not once. A Sayid centric episode, and after watching it a few times, I warmed up to it. Some really nice action scenes, some creepy moments, and the horrific and depressingly boring LAX timeline keeps going and going and going. ZZZZZ. Seemingly, the incident led to the LAX timeline, and we are seeing the characters make different choices. Sometimes. Sayid is still a torturer, but he is mostly torturing himself. Oh, and he is still a killer. Some things never change.

Sayid arrives with flowers in hand for Nadia, one of the dozens of true loves of his life. This time Nadia is smarter, since anybody that has sex with Sayid ends up dying (Nadia, Shannon, Elsa). She is alive and married to Sayid’s brother Omer. We last saw Omer as a young boy, being told by his father to kill a chicken. Omer couldn’t do it, so young Sayid took the chicken, broke its neck, and told Omer to take credit for it. Omer confessed what really happened, and Mr Jarrah praised Sayid. Sayid went on to have a wonderfully fulfilling life of killing, torturing, watching his girlfriends and wife die, shooting a young child, and becoming infected. In this life, he is a translator for an oil company. No doubt, he is still killing, torturing, shooting young children, and becoming infected. His sister in law has been writing him letters to which he doesn’t respond to and Sayid is carrying around the same photo of a young Nadia that he had on the island that the FBI gave to him when he did them a solid and helped break up a terrorist cell. How this same exact photo came into his possession in this timeline is bizarre. Anyway, this photo tips off Omer that Sayid has feelings for his wife. Sounds like a plot line for a sitcom, as shenanigans are right around the corner. Sayid is taking a leisurely stroll through the unguarded Temple. Well, since this guy is infected and dangerous, it makes perfect sense not to assign anybody to keep an eye on him. Sayid demands answers from Dogen, about the machine, about being tortured. Sayid’s scale is tipped to evil. Well, I suppose dust, electricity, and a hot poker in the stomach can tell you such stuff. Actually, no, I rather think it is not possible. Maybe Dogen can run a vacuum cleaner over Sayid next time, as it will give him the same information. Sigh. Dogen assures Sayid that it would be best if Sayid were dead. We realize then and there that Dogen and Sayid are not going to be best friends. S: You think you know me, but you don’t. I’m a good man. The first sentence sounds familiar, something that Sayid has spoken before, but I just can’t place it. The second sentence is completely crazy. Sayid would never call himself a good man. Yep, the Dust Buster test was right on. A spontaneous karate fight breaks out. For a man that doesn’t like the taste of English on his tongue, he sure wants the taste of Sayid’s fist mashing his face. But Asian Epic Beard Man does well in this brouhaha, and is about to stab Sayid in the throat. Fortunately for Sayid, a baseball smelling vaguely of liquor and tears rolls off a table and hits the floor. Dogen says one of the following “Geez, this place is a mess” or “I insist that you have some tea” or “leave and never come back” or “go home and get your focking shinebox”. MIB and Claire are standing at the ash circle surrounding the Temple. Claire is preparing herself to head to the Temple and deliver a message. She wonders why Jin or Sawyer can’t do it. This is a very strong assumption, saying that both are on the side of MIB. Neither are seemingly infected yet as far as we know. Jin is nursing his bad leg, most likely at Claire’s camp. Sawyer is either with Jin or stuck in a cave with no ladder to climb back up to the top. Regardless, it is a very strongly implied message sent to us, even though Jin never has pledged his allegiance. Claire has made a deal for sure. Claire wants her son back, and the MIB claims to always do what he says. Anyway, MIB says that he cannot deliver the message himself. MIB promises to hurt only the ones who don’t listen. Well, there’s Jacob for you. Ready to sacrifice each and every person on the island. And, where’s Richard been hiding? He should have reached the Temple by know. Hell, where are the Beach Others that left for the Temple after MIB killed Jacob. Shouldn’t they be at the Temple by now, warning everybody inside what has happened. Where did everybody go? Are all of them caught in Claire traps around the island?

Omer wakes Sayid and tells him about borrowing money from a loan shark and he is in trouble. He turns down a money offer and wants Sayid to persuade these gentlemen from breaking his head. He tempts and guilts Sayid with the knowledge of Sayid caring for his wife. Awkward. Cue the laugh track. Sayid claims that he is not that man anymore. Which is a shame, because he was a badass when he was mindlessly killing at Ben’s command. Now, Sayid might as well put on a sweater vest and buy a tiny lap dog. Sayid notifies Miles that he is being banished for being evil. Miles shows us why the writers haven’t killed him off yet by explaining that Sayid was dead for hours, and whatever brought him back wasn’t the Others. Thanks Miles, see you next week. Claire strolls in. Problems: 1. How did she know about a secret passage to get in? MIB told her? So, MIB has been inside the Temple before? 2. Are there any guards anywhere? The Losties got captured in the caves under the Temple. Now, anybody can walk in at any time. It’s a convenience store, but busier. I could go on and on, but won’t. I’m not sure why I am showing restraint at this point, but it comes and goes. Claire tells Dogen that he has been scheduled for an appointment with You Know Who, a blatant poke at us that would like to know MIB’s name so we could stop typing the ridiculous “MIB” every time. Dogen claims he is no fool, but he will soon learn that he lost a game of Hide and Go Seek to a brain dead doctor and his rotund friend who couldn’t successfully conceal himself behind a Dharma van. Claire begins the MIB long con by telling Dogen that if he is worried about being killed, then he should send someone to MIB that won’t be killed, knowing that Dogen would send the infected Sayid. Who else could it have been? Me, I would have sent young Emma. Kids are useless on this show. Claire is thrown down a hole, but not the good kind like Alice in Wonderland. Holy hell, how many more commercials of Helena Bonham Carter resting his feet on a pig belly do I have to see? In Dogen’s world leave and never come back is roughly 5 minutes, and invites Sayid in for a chat. He explains that Claire is confused, under the influence of a very angry man, a man that has been trapped, with Jacob gone, he is now free and wants to destroy every living thing on the island. Wow, what did Vincent do to deserve death? But it shows that MIB was a prisoner of sorts, and who doesn’t want to be free. If I was trapped, I’d be angry too. Sh!!t, Dogen just made me feel bad for MIB. MIB is becoming a sympathetic character. Jacob continues to be the assh0le in the show. The MIB is Evil Incarnate. No, that’s not a proper first and last name. The most common definitions of the term are: Evil incarnate is the physical embodiment of evil, a being embodied or created of pure evil. Also, evil incarnate is a person who is dedicated to an ideal or goal more important than people, to the point where this person is willing to sacrifice huge masses of them to further this ideal or goal. Which describes both MIB and Jacob, right? Evil incarnate is also defined as a mushy old, bald man that may still be lying on his front lawn. Dogen: I want you to get this fock where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy MIB, I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna piss on his ashes! Well, he might have said that. Dogen tends to mumble a bit. Dogen further explains that MIB will come to you as someone you know, someone that has died. Clearly, that is what MIB always does. Except for when he appears to you as live person (tall ghost Walt) or as an animal (Hurley bird, black horse, spiders). Sloppy writing. Dogen presents the weapon, a Roman Pugio dagger, which is to slay MIB. Plunge it into his chest, before he has a chance to speak. Not literally speaking, as far as I’m concerned. But since MIB is a conman, he can and will talk you into stuff. Wait, I think Jacob might be OK with Jack taking on MIB. Jack is too stupid to understand a con, and reacts irrationally in situations where he is uncomfortable, then breaks some mirrors or turns his own father in for malpractice. Dogen wants Sayid to prove that there is still good left in him. If I’m Sayid, I’m not exactly motivated by Dogen’s task of killing MIB, and I really don’t see much upside in proving anything to guy that has tried to kill you a couple of times. Dogen is the worst motivational speaker ever. And lives in a van down by the river.

After seeing his niece and nephew get on a school bus, Sayid and Nadia find out that Omer has been mugged and hospitalized. As they dash down a hospital hallway, they scamper past Dr Jack. Well, Sayid did help Jack in saving Charlie’s life on the plane, but fails to recognized the doctor. Omer has a punctured lung and internal bleeding, somewhat similar in the type of injury Sayid died from on the island. Nadia reacts the complete opposite way of a normal human being, and tells Sayid not to do anything about Omer’s predicament. Sayid agrees to do absolutely nothing, a very odd thing for a man of action to do. As Sayid is walking through the jungle, Kate pops out and says “Who’s there?” You’re on an island where many different types of people and things have been trying to kill you at times. You jump out and say “Who’s there?” Way to be cautious, dingbat. Sayid blows her off and tells the tramp to go talk to Miles. So, she does. Miles takes a break from Solitaire, ironic since he was the only Lostie left at the Temple right now, at least the only sane one, and delivers a verbal beating to Kate. So, Sawyer send you packing, huh? I knew that if I followed him, he would keep berating me until I came back. Well, maybe or maybe not. Sawyer had become friends with Miles over the past 3 years, and I doubt Miles would have tried to cozy up to Sawyer on the dock as Sawyer was crying about Juliet’s death and how he didn’t want to wear pants. Kate deserved to be berated. Kate gives Miles a goofy look. Miles uses tact in breaking the news that Claire is back. She’s weird but hot. Rank, rancid, batsh!!t crazy, and desperately in need of hair conditioner, but hot…eh. Sayid takes a break and drinks some water as the MIB rattles the trees nearby and strolls up to him. Hello, Sayid as Sayid plunges the dagger deep into his chest. While this would have probably killed Jacob, MIB is amused. I know that I have speculated weeks ago, during the LA X Part Two episode, about Sayid being risen from the waters as the undead was a sign that he was chosen to fight the Smoke Monster to the death. Sayid is Epic Fail Incarnate. But don’t give me grief for it; some folks were trying to believe that Jacob was reborn as Sayid or something like that. Wrong. That dagger has driven through the heart, and MIB was like the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A mere flesh wound. Hell, not even that. No wound. MIB isn’t sweating, isn’t bleeding, pulls out a dagger completely free of blood, and questions Sayid “Why’d you do that?” Sayid is really bad at making friends today.

MIB has a hole in his shirt, but not his body, making me very confused about his manifestations. What is so damned important that he carries a backpack around? His lunchbox? Coloring books? Mittens? And he manifests clothes. But his clothes can be hurt, but not his body? MIB returns the knife. What are you? This is the first time Sayid has seen “Locke” since the visit in the Dominican Republic as Jeremy Bentham. Again, this should have been common knowledge at this point from information from Richard or the Others who returned to the Temple, but are either not around or decided to keep quiet about the biggest news possible on the island. Yes, I am Evil Incarnate, but my friends call me Eve. The con continues. Dogen sent you to kill me because he knew that I would kill you. MIB guesses correctly that Dogen tried to kill Sayid previously. MIB also correctly figures out that one should never get involved in a land war in Asia. Sayid is asked to deliver a message. The second message of the day for MIB? That makes me and MIB the only two things on earth with no clue how to text someone. It would mean a lot more coming from you. Why exactly? Because Sayid is an uncrossed off candidate? MIB: what if I told you that you could have anything you wanted? What if I said you could have anything in the entire world? A classic deal with the devil scenario, and I don’t think Sayid is a good enough fiddle player to get his soul back. The only thing Sayid ever wanted died in his arms, which would be Nadia, Shannon, Elsa, and possibly the chicken. S: I’ll never see it again. MIB: what if you could? I’m thinking MIB is promising a magic box type of thing with the other timeline. He may know that 2004 LAX is happening. But he did say earlier that he does what he says. Omer is recovering. Sayid is gluing a vase back together, which I mention because it was so odd that Locke and Helen had so many vases in their home in the episode The Substitute. Sayid offers money to help, but Nadia is adamant that Omer brought this to himself and that he should suffer the consequences. Yikes. That’s a bit cold hearted. N: Why didn’t you want to be with me? Nadia strikes me as a person that would bring a date to Omer’s funeral. She and Kate should hang out. Sayid explains that he is trying to get past the horrible things he has done, he can’t be with her, he doesn’t deserve her. Sayid needs to be with Beatrix Kiddo. Sayid’s destiny is to be miserable in every life, in every loop. Sayid strolls back in through the Temple’s back door entrance, a certifiable revolving door at this point. The message is exactly what MIB told Ilana’s buddy Bram and the other dopes in the statue foot. Jacob is dead, and none of you have to stay any longer. You’re free. The MIB is leaving the island forever. Come with him or die. Decide by sundown. Kate chases down Lispy Lennon so that she can find Claire. Kate is given two minutes. Claire is singing a lullaby, “Catch a Falling Star”. When Claire was looking to give up her baby for adoption in Australia, and before her pen stopped working and she got cold feet and ran out of the room, she has asked the prospective adopting couple to sing a lullaby to the baby. Yes, it was called “Catch a Falling Star” and it was a lullaby that Claire’s father sang to her when she was very young. The way Claire was signing it was very creepy and detached from the living world. I loved it. While this was a bit of a reverse Silence of the Lambs, where the maniac is in the hole and the person in peril is standing outside it, Kate is fully prepared to taunt Claire. Watch it again. Doesn’t it seem like taunting? Even if it’s not on purpose. Claire seems happy to see Kate. At first. But as Kate starts to correct Claire, that the Others don’t have Aaron, I took him, I raised him, Claire’s expression changes from mindless happiness to hellfire and fury. I actually think Claire did a very nice job in this scene; I’ve been frustrated with her character the first 4 years of the show, but she is doing a pretty decent job this year. She glowers at Kate. Kate is so self absorbed that she fails to notice the clearly obvious change in Claire’s facial features. Kate needs glasses. Kate is here to rescue Claire. I’m not the one that needs to be rescued, Kate. YES!!!! Claire, just make sure it is drawn out and above all else, painful death. Kill her. Bury her alive. He’s coming, and they can’t stop him. Cool beans.

Panic at the disco, um, temple. Lennon thinks that Sayid is like a real drag, man. Cindy takes some initiative, decides to leave, and takes Zack and Emma with her. Those kids have missed a lot of television time over the years. Sayid wants to return the dagger back to the Temple utensil drawer. Sayid has always appreciated fine silverware, including knives in dishwashers in hotel rooms which can be used to turn an attacker into hors d’oeuvres. Hey, it’s Omar telling Sayid to take a ride. Not to be confused with Omer. Next week, we will meet Kite, Harley, Jock, Luck, Moles, Gin, Bun, and Frankkkkkkis. Omar was Keamy’s #2 on the freighter, his minion, his weasely right hand man. They enter the restaurant that Naomi tested Miles’ ability to read dead people’s thoughts before hiring him for Widmore to join the Freighties. The writers are starting to bring Widmore back into the story. Keamy asks, you want some eggs? Ah, Keamy, playing a completely over the top thug role. Took me a while to place it, but his mannerisms and cadence was very reminiscent of Vincent D’Onofrio from Law & Order: Criminal Intent. I make some good eggs. Completely over the top ganster. I loved the caricature. Hell, he even shakes Sayid’s hand. He expresses sympathy for the mysterious mugging, pokes Sayid about caring about his brother’s family, and eats eggs. Which I suppose is a contrast to Sayid and killing the chicken many years ago. Hey, somebody has got to pay that money. Never mind that not a single person is pointing a gun at Sayid the whole conversation. Sayid notices the idiots around him and gets commando, killing a few guys, and holding a gun on Keamy. Keamy pleads for his life, tries to broker a deal, but Sayid kills him anyway. Sayid is completely unable to stop from pulling the trigger. He is the same person no matter what choices he makes, and is by all appearances a constant, not a variable. Oh, almost forgot. Oh my God, they’ve killed Keamy!!! Again. Also, take note that Keamy is wearing a flashy watch, a watch that some Korean gentleman we know was taking to Los Angeles to deliver to an associate of Mr Paik’s. Sayid discovers Jin in a walk in fridge. Why is Jin tied up? Well, to speculate, Jin had trouble getting cash through customs at the airport. If they kept the cash at the airport, maybe Keamy was expecting a watch and the cash, maybe to receive for Widmore. But Jin shows up with no cash. Knucklehead Keamy figures Jin stole it, Jin can’t explain in English what happened, and Jin is tied up. Eh, shot in the dark.

Dogen sees Sayid approaching him at the spring, and knows that all is lost. Sayid confesses he started to listen to MIB after failing in his mission. Instead of Dogen explaining to Sayid why he has been trying to kill him and has been having as much luck as Cato in the Pink Panther movies, the real ones, not that garbage Steve Martin has been peddling, Dogen explains that he was a successful banker, went out to celebrate a promotion with associates, can’t hold his liquor, is a terrible driver, and drove his kid into an accident. How incredibly irresponsible. What a monster. My father would never, never, never pick me up from baseball. And I was grateful. In fact, sports were banned in my house. Are you kidding? Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to watch parents attend your games, make noise, get into fist fights, or cheer for you. Makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Kids hate that. Let him breathe. In this case, literally. But I thank God every day that my father couldn’t care less if I played baseball, practiced ballet, went to bullfights on acid, killed cats or homeless people. Parents, save your kids lives. Ignore them. Dogen? More like Drinking. Jacob offered Dogen a deal, your kid lives, but you never see him again. That’s hell of a deal, actually. Many parents would do that in a heart beat. Sh!!t, get away from that teenager, and go live on a tropical island. Hell, I’d drive my kid into a wall if I got to retire early. Has anyone stopped to consider that Dogen may have been driving a Toyota, and it wasn’t the drinking, but a sh!!ty malfunctioning car? Sounds like Dogen doesn’t like the deal he made. Not to mention that some people might call Jacob a monster to make Dogen accept that kind of dead. But it’s all about that diva Jacob. Little Mr Attention Wh0re. Sure, it was a choice. I bet Jacob called “No Take Backsies” just to really screw Dogen. I’m just checking, was this a Dogen centric episode, because it feels like I’ve typed his name a thousand times today. Sayid: Jacob drives a hard bargain. Yes, he does. MIB offered Sayid a similar offer, most likely Nadia related, but in some alternative timeline, I bet Sayid asked for a Dr Pepper. It’s sundown. Dogen asks Sayid if he will stay or will he go now? Sayid says that while he enjoys the wonderful music of The Clash too, he’d rather take a swim first. Sayid grabs Dogen, and jumps about 20 feet straight over the steps into the pool. Sayid has super strength. Keamy would be very jealous of the way Sayid expertly poaches Dogen in the water. The baseball floats to the surface of the water. I watched Caddyshack again last night. Best movie ever. Love the scene of the floating doodie in the pool. Lennon arrives and lisps out a very unheartfelt “what did you do, he was the only thing keeping it out”. The monster rattling and hooing in the distance, while Sayid gives a quick “I know” and mercifully slashes Lennon’s throat. Will MIB claim Dogen and Lennon? Probably not, as they are not on the list. You have to wonder what Lennon was thinking, turning his back on Sayid. When I discover an armed murderer in a room with many escape tunnels, I would not necessarily trap myself and turn my back on him. I’m not saying this is stupid, but….OK, I am saying this is stupid. And I would hate to see the wound on Lennon’s neck if he turns into a zombie. Who would want to start at that mess all day? The monster attacks the Temple. The third time I watched this episode and the colossal destruction of the Temple and the Other Others, I could not get the music of the Benny Hill show during chase scenes out of my head. Quick, somebody slap the bald head of Locke. Hilarious action. Of course, in retrospect, maybe building some pylons around the Temple would have been prudent. Just saying. Miles hides behind a door, which is promptly broken down by Ilana. Where is Shephard, Reyes, Ford? Miles: I’m the only one left. Let’s pause here. Ilana sure seems to know a lot. The rules of MIB, where Jacob was, who the candidates are, her way around the Temple. Who is she exactly, other than being the only person on Jacob’s side at this point and gives off an air of ancient. And what the hell did Miles mean by only one left. Panic? Consider that Miles knew that in the Temple right now where Sayid, Claire, and Kate. He just saw Kate 30 seconds ago? He knows that Sayid is undead, but he didn’t say that about Claire. He called her weird and hot. Ben goes after Sayid in the pool room since he has missed playing 8 Ball since leaving the Barracks. Kate finds Claire Down in a Hole, Alice in Chains style. What’s with all the music references this week? Claire tells Kate she would be safer in the hole, which Kate agrees with when the Smoke Monster literally roars past in huge torrent of destruction and power. Claire looks on in admiration. Ben: Sayid, there is still time. Sayid puts a really dopey grin on his face and says “Not for me” Sayid is now on the dark side and talks in short bursts and platitudes. Welcome to Congress, son. Ben actually backed out of the room. Miles asks Sun about the whereabouts of Jin. Sun: Jin is alive? Thank you Sun, for your wonderful contributions to the show, but you’ve basically been saying the same one line of dialogue in every focking episode since the marina scene in Season 5. You are worthless. Completely worthless. The story line stinks. Sun and Jin reunion. STINKS. I don’t care about their stupid relationship. At least when Sun was ruining Jin’s life, she was semi-interesting. Every. Focking. Time. Where’s Jin? Where’s Jin? Do you know where Jin is? Have you seen Jin? Do you know where Jin might be? I don’t hear Jin saying Where is Sun? every show. He might have said it twice. And he didn’t mean it. Enough already. Meanwhile, Frank still hasn’t buttoned up his shirt. Holy hell on a pogostick. Did Frank make a demand in his contract that his chest hair must be exposed at all times? If he take a dip in the spring, he’ll clog up the drain and the Temple will flood. Jumping Jehosophat. Somebody get ‘Ole Rumplestiltskin Chest some Nair. Ilana finds a secret passage, so she, Frank, Miles and Sun are together. As we survey the damage of the purged Temple, I find it ironic that the island’s “security system” is it’s biggest destroyer. Claire’s singing of the lullaby is the perfect background as the characters move in a slow motion style we have not seen much of lately. MIB’s Others are outside. MIB tells a complete story with his facial expressions. Really, look at the guys face during this time of no dialogue. Everybody else had one sleepy expression. MIB communicates his approval to Sayid and Claire, is caught off guard by Kate’s presence, considers what it means, and then does a what the hell and leads his crew out into the jungle. They have to collect Jin and Sawyer. They have to deal with the Ajira people on the Hydra island at some point. Another purge.

Just from vague recollections, this series is so incredibly reminiscent of the Stephen King book The Stand. I know, this isn’t an original thought. That’s OK. I’m not claiming to be original. However, I might have to go review some summaries of that book this week to see the comparisons. I read it maybe 15 years ago. Until next week. Keep your cats indoors.

6.5 Lighthouse

2010-03-01T13:56:00.001-08:00

The glowing review I received for last week’s installment: “not as retarded as last week, but still pretty focking stupid”. Anyone can appreciate the warmth of the adoration of one’s fans. But I have the rare ability to bask in the glow of the hatred of my one and only reader. Who I hope gets trapped in a fire and spends the rest of their life in a burn wing of a hospice. Enough with the pleasantries. This writeup is brought to you in high definition, 3-D, and is sponsored by that yogurt that Jamie Lee Curtis is selling to you to make you sh!!t like clockwork. This was a Jack episode, and not nearly as horrible as the Kate episode of a couple of weeks ago. It was mediocre. Not much opportunity for theory building, as it was just a dumbed down episode, plodding, not all that interesting, but I’ve seen worse. Jack is thought of as the lead in this ensemble cast unfortunately, a mistake made Day One of this show as much better characters and actors like Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson toil away doing great things. Jack is a character that I’ve come around to disliking very much, even though his milquetoast personality wouldn’t seem to warrant it. I spent a couple of years doing these writeups including a weekly feature: Jack Sucks Moment of the Week. And week after week, Jack delivered a moment; on some weeks, Jack had half a dozen Suck Moments, and in those days, these recaps pretty much wrote themselves. Quick outline, and then spend 7 pages bashing Jack and then the usual 5 pages on bashing Kate. When he is in the spotlight, Jack tends to waffle, cry, make bad decisions, cry, gets absurdly angry at some point and does something really stupid or violent, cry, and then cry some more. I will give him all the credit in the world for decent acting when he was being a fall down drunk and pill popper in the flashforwards, but was it really acting or was Jack chugging some Jack Daniels and taking Oxycodone to be more realistic. I have no idea, but Heath Ledger has no complaints as he won an Oscar doing just that. Well, he is dead, but being dead just means you need to submit a resume to LOST. You’ll be on the show within two weeks, Heath. Otherwise, I have to give Jack credit for doing a dam good job with his drunken hopelessness. I didn’t buy Sawyer being drunk for a second last week, as I pointed that out. What, making your eyes squinty makes you look drunk? Please. I’ve looked in a mirror from time to time. I know drunk. And you sir, are no drunk. By the time I finished typing, I finally realized that this episode made me much more angry than I had anticipated. A shame, really.

Some additional tidbits and thoughts from the enhanced episode which preceded the new episode. The writers are now telling us specifically that the LAX timeline is a flashsideways and is the result of what would have happened if the Oceanic 815 plane never crashed. Except for all the details are much different present and past where that type of “plane never crashed logic” is nonsense. The LAX is like the epilogue, what happens when the island business is finished, and everything resets, and then Oceanic 815 lands in Los Angeles. I can’t wrap my head around any other scenario. These popups are more enraging than a killer whale having to deal with a trainer that smells like chum. This may be just more whininess from myself, but no one has addressed how so many scenes are similar, but when they are re-shown on the show, were different in dialogue or appearance. Miles ghost hunting house pictures, 3 different dialogue versions on the marina gathering of Ben, Jack, Kate, Sun, Sawyer with the rope when John disappears in the well, Juliet’s bloody face keeps changing from scene to scene in the shaft with the bomb, Juliet’s shirt changing in the same scene as she sets up for the book club, Charlie dying in multiple ways and Claire never getting on a helicopter as Desmond said would happen, Ben Sun and Jack meeing Eloise at the Lamppost dialogue. Claire giving birth with Jin and Charlie near by, and then they were never there during the time travel observation by Sawyer. Over and over and over, these scenes are different, and we still get no explanations. Fiddlesticks. I was thinking back on Sawyer saying the reason he is on the island is because of failures of using a plane, raft, helicopter, boat, and a submarine. What an oddity, and possibly a sign that Sawyer simply can’t leave the island at all. The music is really bothering me, that distorted clip when they jump back and forth from the interesting stuff on the island to the bore you to tears stuff going on off the island. Relistening to MIB’s “I’m trapped” speech to Sawyer in the jungle sounded very sincere. Sure, the MIB has lied and manipulated and killed people, but so has Jacob. It’s the Trading Places scenarios, where the Dukes have wagered on the outcome of a bet for one single dollar. Lot’s of mayhem and life altering events ensue, all for one dollar. Why is the ladder on the cliff so fragile? If this was Jacob’s cave, and if he was using it all the time, you would think it to be sturdy. The ladder might not matter if it’s not being used if a homicidal puff of smoke is floating in and out of the cave. I still don’t think it is Jacob’s cave. The most frightening thing of last week episode was seeing John smiling and being happy in the LAX timeline. It was off putting. Off putting, like when you are having a good old time at a New Year’s Eve party, telling jokes, some inappropriate, but generally being the life of the party. Don’t make a mistake of telling a Megan’s Law joke. The music stops, your alcohol is taken away, and you are told to leave immediately. So, you have no ride, no umbrella, and have to walk 4 miles home in a rainstorm. But it was funny. So you giggle a little as you pull your light jacket tighter against your shivering body and ignore the frigid wind. You’re disappointed that you couldn’t break out the material on punching Girl Scouts in the stomach. I would imagine it must be something like that.

This week, a frustratingly long time was spent on Jack’s LAX timeline. It wasn’t particularly interesting. Yes, he is a father of teenage son. The problem is Jack is a pussie, and now we get to see how fathers with no balls deal with their kids. I already sense that I am going to break my wrist from punching myself in the forehead over and over again for roughly the next hour. I don’t know who David’s mother is, whether she was actually married to Jack like Sarah, or if it’s someone like the woman he kissed in the parking lot after he killed her father on the operating table which of course would make a woman horny, but I didn’t quite recognize the brunette woman from any photos laying around. While Jack is getting dressed, he sees his appendix scar, left behind by Juliet’s surgery on the island. Right? When Jack is talking to his frantic mother about his father’s missing will and maybe some light concern about the corpse, Jack asks about the suddenly hazy memory of the operation. He had the procedure done when he was 7 or 8. Jack has seen blood on his neck but not scar, an appendix scar but no surgery recollection. Stand by for next week when Jack panics after finding a lactating third nipple. Jack still seems to have a lucrative career, but drives a shitty vehicle with the trade in value of a grocery shopping cart. At the Temple, Dogen and Jack have a painful conversation about nothing. Hey, where did Lennon and his speech impediment go? I didn’t see him the whole episode. What, Quasimodo finally got comfortable with the English language on his tongue? Samurai Stupid is surprised that Jack hasn’t left yet, Jack is surprised it’s an option, I’m surprised Jack had a thought. While Sawyer, Kate, and Jin are roaming around the island. Jack is staring at a pond. Jack Sucks Moment of the Week #1. Has it occurred to you that you might be able to do the something. It’s not like they are treating you well. You’ve been punched, karate kicked, and ingested a poison pill. This is the talent that Jack brings with him, that Jacob is so desperate to claim. The incredible ability to start at water for hours on end. Stupendous. This isn’t a tropical vacation on a cruise line featuring line dancing, a chocolate fountain, and a mashed potato bar. Either get answers, or get the fock out of the Temple. Maybe it’s time MIB got someone to put your life to an end. Dogen: everything is an option, but I would have to stop you. Ominous words, but come on. Dogen’s version of being tough is a lengthy bout of passive aggressiveness. Maybe give you a dirty look. Or maybe he is smiling at you. Who can tell the difference? After an appetite-building tic tac toe competition on the promenade dirt deck, Hurley leaves in search of the mashed potato bar. Jacob is looking into the dirty spring, trying to make a decision if it should be drained and scrubbed, then have Bill Murray eat the doodie while Jacob faints. J: Hurley, I need you, someone is coming to the island. Now, while it is possible that someone physically might be coming, in which case I was hoping it would be Desmond, it now appears that this was more of an abstract description. Jacob was hoping that Jack was going to pack a suitcase to include logic, brain matter, and street smarts this time when he came back to the island. But, boy, Jack likes pudding, and there is just only so much room in that head suitcase. He like pudding a lot. So Jacob wants to change Jack’s most basic way of thinking, build his confidence, make him into an important person. Jacob is so very focked. You’d have an easier time proving global warming exists.

Annotated Alice by Lewis Carroll. Not only is this a well timed plug for the Tim Burton Johnny Depp movie coming out, it’s another example of Jack’s obsession with this Alice stuff. He read them to Aaron back when Jack and Kate weren’t fighting and living in as the Oceanic 6. David gives the cold shoulder to Jack. Honestly, I was starting to nod off. The slow pace of this episode takes a shocking turn for the slower as Jack is trying to cram a month’s worth of parenting into an afternoon. Yawn. In a season that is supposed to be giving us answers, we get a Dr Phil afterschool special. I’d like to think that when Dr Phil gets liquored up, he reveals who he really is. “Maybe I wouldn’t have punched the b!!tch if she would have just shut the hell up.” Sayid is worried about everybody in the Temple starting at him like he just accidently released a really loud fart during a silent moment at a church service. Jack tells him it was poison, they are trying to kill you, it happened to Claire, and in about 5 minutes, I’m going to leave by secret tunnel, leaving only Miles behind to protect you so that I can go break some mirrors and stare at the ocean. Jack definitely said some of that. Jin is injured badly, which leads to speculation that you need some kind of wound to allow an infection in. Sayid had an obvious one. Claire, well she did have scratches about herself when the missle hit her Dharma house. She was wobbly and was seeing things, making Miles feel creeped out by her. She did say she had to stitch herself up at one point, so she has been injured. Claire frees Jin from the bear trap and talks about remembering when the Oceanic 6 left. I was surprised; Claire isn’t really crazy, she is simply being careful due to the Others hunting her, her friends abandoning her, and having her son stolen by Kate. Realistically, Claire might be the most sane person on the island right now. Quick, name somebody more sane. I didn’t think so. Jin passes out from the pain, but have no fear. You will be tormented soon enough when Sun shows up. They are stretching out that reunion, about a season and a half now, and I could not possibly care less. Claire, please kill Sun. Hurley is wandering through the bowels of the Temple with more writing on his arm than a high school varsity linebacker on academic probabation taking a Chemistry midterm, or Jack shopping for a pair of socks. Dogen confronts Hurley. Jacob goes his Great Gazoo appearance and tells Hurley that he can do what he wants because he is a candidate. Hugo is supposed to bring Jack along, and is reluctant to try because he recognizes that Jack is a stubborn assh0le. So, Hurley tells Jack that he found a secret tunnel, and that he “has what it takes”. By this statement, I felt that Hurley meant that Jack had that odd combination of brains and common sense that he could realistically lose 700 straight games of tic tac toe to a beheaded chicken. But Jacob is manipulating “ole pudding head” another way, so Jack is now motivated enough to go see Jacob. Or motivated enough to leave the Temple since Kate isn’t coming back, so it’s time to follow her out into the jungle. But it was certainly a good idea not to find out how Sayid and Claire got infected, who were the people in the Temple protecting themselves from, and asking them about Jacob. Because at this point, you don’t want answers before you wander into a jungle where more and more of your people are dying all the time. Jack Sucks Moment of the Week #2.

Jin has a nasty wound on his leg. Claire is rummaging around her camp site, which is next to what looks like the old Swan hatch, post explosion. Oddly enough, she was not around apparently when the bomb went off and brought the Losties to 2007. She should have been there to great them. Jin looks inside a baby crib, to discover animal parts, including what looks like a polar bear skull. Claire has a bit of The Shining or Psycho in her. I like this character so much better than the pouty one yelling at Charlie or “Wheras Meeyyyy Beybey”. Claire ties up still breathing Justin to interrogate him like Rousseau did to Sayid years ago, and demands her son back. Justin tells Jin that she is going to kill them both, like Richard told Sawyer last week. Who gives a dam if Justin dies? He is as useful as a can opener when you don’t have a can of soup. Jack and Hurley bump into Kate at a creek. If you have a chance to see this scene again, picture Kate as MIB, then listen to the entire dialogue. You could swap Kate and MIB here, and not miss a beat, and the conversation becomes much more interesting. There is no reason to think MIB can’t switch his face still, as Ilana told us that assuming that MIB killed Jacob, and not Ben as it really happened. MIB leaves Sawyer at some point, as we find out eventually. Anyway, the take aways from the scene is that Jin is supposedly headed back to Temple, Sawyer is on his own, Kate is going to try to find Claire, Jack says something happened to Claire, Kate insists that she has to find her. Jack invites her along, against Hurley’s objections. Jack is unable to follow even Jacob’s simplest requests, and is ready to scrap it all for Kate to come along. Jack Sucks Moment of the Week #3. That’s a hell of a candidate you get there, Jacob. Kate: I hope you find what you are looking for. At this moment, Jack’s mother is hoping Jack can find his father’s will. Want a drink? No thanks. Booo. Sober Jack is a dull boy. Jack’s mother says that all the males in the family are terrible communicators and that David is terrified of Jack. Dean Martin’s kids, I can accept being scared of their father. That guy could thrown some punches. Jack is as scary as a Mr Potato Head a silly wig. Unless David is scared that Jack will show up at his school on “what does your father do” day and say “I make a lot of people die on an island, I have bad tattoos, and won a staring contest with a brick.” If Jack were homeschooled, he would have been held back a few grades. Claire is still in the will, so Jack and she are still half siblings. Claire is sharpening her axe and sterilizing some equipment. Justin continues to whine about untying him so he can escape. They are trying to build some cheap sympathy because the was less of a d!ck when Aldo was trying to shoot Jin a couple of episodes ago. While Claire is stitching up Jin, she rambled on about being shot, how the Others have Aaron. First her father told her, then a friend told her. The friend is clearly MIB, but aren’t Christian and MIB one and the same? MIB has been loose on the island since the plane crash of 815? Why does Claire separate out MIB as two beings, when we have specifically been told they are one and the same. It’s unlikely that Claire saw MIB as Locke until very recently, yet immediately identifies him as friend. I wonder what Claire can see with her eyes in this state. Before disappearing in Season 4, she told Mile that she had been seeing things. Jin still wants to be Claire’s friend. Smart move. It’s hard to put into words how much LOST fans all over the world are rooting for Jungle Lizzie Borden to carve up Kate. No? Well I am, and that is all that matters. To quote the Queen in Alice in Wonderland “Off with her head!!!”

Hurley laments screwing things up back there for Jack and Kate. Jack is melancholy but pouty, making him a natural for a prime time science fiction action show. That was sarcasm, OK? H: I think you’d make a great dad. If Jack was a father to a potato, within 3 days he would have found a way to set it on fire by microwaving it too long. They stumble over Shannon’s asthma inhaler, the reason behind Sayid torturing Sawyer. They never did find the inhaler back then, but Sun found eucalyptus, which helped restore Shannon’s breathing. In the end, it didn’t matter since Shannon died soon after. They are at the caves again, from Season 1. Hurley poses the question, what if the skeletons were us? Well, we know the skeletons are a woman and a man. Here is an odd ball theory. What if those skeletons were Jacob and MIB. But one of the skeletons is a woman, how can that be? Well, MIB is a shape shifter and has appeared as both men and women. We don’t know his name, and have never seen the original form. Wait a minute. Sh!!t, the scene with Jacob on the beach in the Season 5 finale was probably his true form. Nevermind. I’m not going to erase this. I just need to see if it has legs in future episodes. Sh!!t. My Sucks Moment of the Week. Jack was chasing the ghost of his father, and the body wasn’t in the coffin and was never found on the island. That is still an unexplained mystery. Why did the body disappear? David is missing when Jack returns home. Making a phone call, Jack apologizes if he upset David and he is going to his mother’s house. Now, in the real world, this phone call would be more along the lines “Boy, you better get your ass home in 5 minutes, or I’m going to knock out your teeth with your Wii controller.” David’s mother’s house is #23, and Jack breaks in with a spare key. He snoops around his kid’s room. Good thing for Jack, the Patriot Act keeps getting renewed because I think this might actually be illegal in some parts of the world. He can’t find any pot, or used condoms, or manifestos about how the government is focking us with outrageous taxation and no representation of our interests by self serving politicians, or nudie magazines. But there is sheet music of Chopin’s Fantaisie-Impromptu. I’d much rather listen to some Iggy and the Stooges from last week. This music is not my cup of tea, and just reading about the music selection made me somnambulant. Jack is listening to David’s messages and gets weepy. Here we go. Crying Jack. Get the man a drink already. More male bonding in the jungle. Hurley: I came back because Jacob said I was supposed to. Jack: I was broken, I stupidly thought this place could fix me. Let me correct Jack, in the Jack Sucks Moment of the Week #3 or #5 or whatever I’m up to. You were a drunk and a drug addict whose career, family life, and will to live completely crumbled. Broken? How about you think about going to rehab fixing you rather than an island. Where are you going to find a sponsor? They find a lighthouse. Remember how excited we were by the Swan hatch in Season 1 and 2? Hey, there’s a light house. So? How come we’ve never seen it before? Hurley: I guess we weren’t looking for it. What kind of reason is that? How big is this island that ladders to hidden caves, lighthouses, Temples don’t get discovered? Fine. I guess we will have to go with Jacob suddenly built it for Jack and Hurley. Hey, Jacob, how about you build yourself a replacement, and let these people go home? It’s inevitable. I will be sorely disappointed with any way this show ends. It’s been such a wild ride so far, but you really have to suspend disbelief and reason. Justin still being interrogated. Claire explains how she was tortured, which matches the same technique used on Sayid. Justin says that Claire was killing their people, the Others. Well, Rousseau wasn’t doing this stuff, killing Others, so it seems like Rousseau may not have been infected after all. It’s simply coincidental that Claire looks like Danielle, I guess. I’m still wondering about Juliet’s branding from Season 3, although I don’t suppose there is a connection. Jin spills the beans, Kate took Aaron, had him last 3 years, Justin says that is the truth. Why would Justin not say this before, but waited until Jin spoke first about it. Instead of untying Justin, Claire picks up an axe, and like Jack Nicholson from The Shining driving the blade into Scatman Carruthers heart, Claire matches it perfectly with one stroke right into Justin’s ticker. Holy hell, did that make me grin. I can’t wait to see Claire chasing Aaron through a snowy maze. See, Jack, now THAT’S what I call good parenting.

As Hurley and Jack enter the lighthouse, Jack shows up at the conservatorium, which is where dead people are turned to dust. A cheery sign out front welcomes all candidates. A bit too obvious of an Easter egg, I would tend to think. David is playing the piano, and when he is done, there is no applause. Practice or not, the silence that greeted that kid made me happy. Jack has an axe, so you better start running. Yes, Daniel Faraday also wanted to be a pianist but Eloise would not allow it because Daniel needed to dedicate his life to physics and his studies. Jack clearly has no ambitions for his son. Let’s face it, how many jobs are you going to get playing the piano? Dogen and his kid are at this same concert hall. Dogen starts talking in platitudes, almost like it was double speak for what Jacob might say. They are young and under a lot of pressure. It’s hard to watch but be unable to help, he has a gift, how long has he been playing? Jack doesn’t know. Exactly. Jack knows nothing. At the top of the lighthouse, we see open windows, mirrors, chains, large gears and what looks like a giant sun dial with numbers and names. Jacob’s not here yet, but let’s spin the wheel to #108. When you look at the list near the end of this write-up, you will see that the number #108 corresponds to “Wallace” Well, there has been no mention of a Wallace on this show. Walt? You would think that would be short for Walter. The #108 isn’t important anyway. The name is crossed off. Sure, it’s the sum of the individual numbers of the Vazentti equation, but nobody told us that numbers needed to be added, but that just that one number had to change. Nobody named Wallace is coming, and doesn’t refer to anybody on the island right now, with the only possible exeption being that Wallace is MIB’s name. Including the names of the dial, and other digging, I’ve updated the list of candidates we are aware of, at the end of this piece. Jack notices houses in the mirror, including the temple where Sun and Jin got married, the church where Sawyer wrote his letter, and Jack’s childhood home. Jack insists of turning the dial back to #23 so we can stare at his house a bit more. Jack: he’s been watching us. No sh!!t. At this point, I’m begging Hurley to look at the dial. You’ve been obsessed with the numbers for years. Jack just said #23. Look at the other numbers. Put 2 and 2 together. At this point, I know the number better than Hurley. I wake up mornings saying…23,42. Hurley has butterflies circling around inside his head. Just look for your name, big guy. Something. Do something. Nope, ‘ole Hurley is terrified of Jack. Jack: Hurley, I want some answers. Hurley: It doesn’t work that way. Exactly what Miles told Sawyer at Juliet’s grave. Jack becomes enraged. What does he want from me? Jack picks up a pipe and breaks all the mirrors. His backswing left a lot to be desired. It was like he was half heartedly swinging, hope none of the glass got in his hair. Broken pieces of glass scattered all over the floor, it was the most glitter the island has seen since Tom died. The mirrors have been odd this season. Jack looks at a mirror on the plane, sees the cut, gets very pensive. Kate looks in a mirror at auto shop and decides to go back to help Claire. John Locke looks into a mirror, decides to hang up on Jack’s office, then tells Helen that he is giving up believing in miracles. Jack looks in a mirror in the lighthouse, and all of the sudden doesn’t believe in destiny but is feeling betrayed and disillusioned. This is the guy who carried on with the hydrogen bomb idea because this was what Jack believed why he was on the island. Now, Jack has no idea why he is here, and is not happy about it, again. Jack is arguably the worst possible protector of this island. His little tantrums are so incredibly shallow and stupid. He isn’t Doubting Thomas. He is Stupid Thomas. The only time he showed that faith in the island, he failed to do what he set out to do. Truthfully, Jack doesn’t have what it takes, never did, and is a failure in his father’s eyes, my eye’s, the governor of New York’s eyes, but not Jacob’s eyes. Jacob likes to hang out with losers.

Jack tells his son that he’s going to teach him it’s bad idea to not tell him where he was going and promptly gave him a cauliflower ear. In my world. J: You were great in there. David: I didn’t want you to see me fail. J: that’s OK, I fail all the time. Your grandfather always told me that I didn’t have what it takes, and he was right. Then there was some happy horsesh!!t about love and David could never fail, and be part of your life, and other sappy completely unrealistic things that just left my head spinning. This is apparently what family is all about. A kid disrespects his father, runs away, not only doesn’t get punished, but gets pizza and a loving pat on the head. In this flash sideways, I think Jack might be gay. Why does Jack never cut out the middle man (Kate) and just go ahead and stick his tongue down Sawyer’s throat? I don’t care about bonding with lying disrespectful kids, love triangles and rhombuses, sappy daddy issues. Give me Claire splitting somebody down the middle with an axe. Jack is looking at the ocean. My mouth is agape. That’s how Jack started off the episode, staring at the pond at the Temple. It’s the new Olympic biathlon. I’m really beginning to loathe Jacob. Hurley: Jack freaked out, what you wanted me to do, I didn’t get done, and you don’t even care? H: did you want Jack to see what was in the mirror? Jacob: I want him to see how important he is. Fockity fock, Jack important? I’m in hell. Jack wouldn’t be important if he was the last man on earth and the last chance humanity had of procreating. Jacob: Jack is here to do something, but he has to find it himself, sometimes you have to let them look at the ocean for a while. How about you drink a tall glass of shut the fock up, Jacob? We have a handful of episodes left, he are stuck with filler LAX crap, and now Jacob is telling Hurley riddles and wants Jack to think things through. We don’t have that much time, you idiot. Jack needs a whole season to change his mind. Jacob can’t die enough times to make me happy. Jacob: I had to get you and Jack away from the Temple, someone bad is coming, but we can’t warn the others. Jacob is once again all about sacrificing lives for his cause. Claire wants to know why Jin told her that Kate was raising Aaron. Jin confesses his lies, and is now thinking on this feet. He explains that Claire needs him to help save Aaron from the Others, and there is a secret way in. Jin must be referring to the French hole under Temple, where the Losties got caught. Not much of a secret. Claire declares that if Kate was raising Aaron, she would kill her. Yes!!!!!!!! Plus, MIB visited Aaron off island as Claire, and told Kate not to ever bring him back. MIB knows Kate is responsible, plus he has John’s memories, but he is preferring to lie to Claire at this point. MIB enters the camp. Claire: this isn’t John, this is my friend.

2 - Lacombe (French guy)
4 - Locke (John)
8 - Reyes (Hugo)
10 - Mattingly (US Army)
12 - Foster
13 - Beckett
14 – Pryce (Other)
15 - Ford (James)
16 - Jarrah (Sayid)
17 - Barnes
18 - Kueffner
19 - Nguyen
20 - Rousseau (Robert, Danielle, or Alex)
21 - McHenly
22 - Moorhead
23 - Shephard (Jack or Christian)
24 - Kluxen
25 - Ashen
26 - Bozarth
27 - Dorrie
28 - Holland
29 – Brennan (French guy)
30 - Wade
31 - Toms
32 - Rutherford (Shannon)
33 - Novak
34 - Grimaldi
35 - Brennan
36 - Syzmanksi
37 - Torres
38 - Linsatrom
39 - Morioka
40 - Dowsen
42 - Kwon (Jin, Sun, or Ji Yeon)
43 - Barnes
44 – Martinez
48 - Stanhope (Goodwin, Other)
49 - Eko (Mr. or Yemi, depending on what their last name was)
51 - Austen
55 - Kennedy
56 - Hansen
58 - Burke (Juliet)
59 - Suzuki
60 - Kysea
64 – Goldstein
73 - Costa
77 - Franetzki
90 - Troupe (Gary, Lostie)
94 - Cohen
96 - Greeson
97 - Pallison
98 - Horton
99 - Sookson
100 - Barfield
101 - Faraday (Daniel)
102 - Montand (French guy)
103 - Horsman
104 - Lewis
106 – Radzinsky (Dharma)
107 - Thomson
108 - Wallace
109 - Friendly (Tom)
110 - Eipons
111 - Klein
112 - Horton
113 - Worden
114 - Yamada
115 - Bargas
116 - Lambert
117 - Linus (Roger, Ben, or Emily)
118 - Chavez
119 - Almieda
120 - Rodriguez
121 - Nielson
122 - Freed
124 - Dawson (Michael, Walt)
125 - Owens
126 - Renti
127 - Mora
128 - Paddock
129 - Campbell
130 - Tillman
134 – Chang (Dr Pierre or wife Lara)
140 - Lewis (Charlotte or her parents David, Jeanette)
171 – Straume (Miles)
175 - Costa
195 - Pace (Charlie)
197 – Sheckler
202 - Harggus
221 - Carlyle (Boone)
222 - O'Toole
231 - Amistad
233 – Jones (US Army)
249 – Garner
251 – Yaris
272 – Oralingo
282 - Aguila
285 – Jenkins (Steve, Lostie)
291 – Domingo
301 – Mars (US Marshall)
313 - Littleton (Claire or Aaron)
317 - Cunningham (US Army)
321 – Fernandez (Nikki, Lostie)
335 – Henderson (Rose’s maiden name)
337 - Martin
346 - Grant

?? – Davison
?? - Goodspeed (Horace or Ethan or Olivia or Amy)
?? – Pickett (Danny or Colleen, Others)
?? - Reynolds
?? – Sullivan (Lostie)

#51 Austen. Yes, time for the weeping and gnashing of teeth. Kate in on the list. Fock.

#197 Sheckler is a reference to Ted Sheckler, a developmentally disabled entrepreneur character invoked occasionally by stand up comedian Jim Nortonn on the Opie and Anthony Show, heard on Sirius/XM Radio. The assignment of the number 197 is significant because the show is heard on Channel 197 on the Sirius platform (202 on the XM platform.

#202 Harggus is a reference to Paul Harggis, a character portrayed by American stand up comedian Jim Norton on the Opie and Anthony Show, heard on Sirius/XM Radio. Paul Hargghis, known as "Uncle Paul" is 57 years young and prefers the company of, um, younger girls and boys, especially ones who don’t tattle. Opie and Anthony appear on XM channel 202, thus explaining the assignment of the number to Uncle Paul

I am a die hard fan of O&A, with Jim Norton. Very funny show, wonderfully politically incorrect, and equal opportunity defender of free speech, especially in comedy and satire. Jim Norton is becoming a break out comedian star, appearing on HBO, Lucky Louie, a few movies, was a regular on Jay Leno’s prime time show, etc. It’s wonderful seeing the greatest radio show ever immortalized in the cannon of the greatest TV show ever. I’ve been looking for references to the Ron and Fez show (they share the same two channels as O&A), but haven’t found them yet. One the writers of LOST is a fan. When he did an interview on Ron & Fez, he said the phrase “Razzle Dazzle”, which was uttered by Nikki when she was fighting bad guys on show within a show Expose in the buried alive episode of LOST, was an inspiration due to usage on O&A. Maybe not interesting to you, but I found it compelling.

6.4 The Substitute

2010-02-22T10:13:00.001-08:00

I’d like to take a moment and acknowledge a brand new reader of my ramblings. An anonymous poster at the blog site dropped by and conveyed to me the message that “You sound like a focking moron.” Welcome aboard, ma’am. Let me explain that my particular style of LOST commentary is using a brief recap style, interjecting thoughts, theories, and ridiculous notions in between scenes. It’s much easier that trying to write theories and having to fully recreate scenes over and over again, and I can’t count on everybody to re-watch each episode 3 to 13 times like some kind of autistic douche. So picture yourself sitting in my very lived in living room as I watch the episodes, hit pause, take a swing at some beverage, or swig, and complain or explain something that comes to mind. I can assure you that none of these will ever win a Pulitzer or the more prestigious Oprah Book of the Month. Some people just can’t get past hundreds of death threats and a couple dozen attempts on their life. That’s right, Oprah, I haven’t forgotten about you.

Police in Lilburn near Atlanta have charged Westley Strellis with 29 counts of criminal damage to property in the second degree. Witnesses tell police he grabbed a metal baseball bat from the sporting goods section Wednesday, February 10th, walked to the electronics department and destroyed the TVs on display.

While I don’t live in Atlanta, it would seem that I was not the only one disgusted by the Kate episode from last week. Sure, I watched Batman Begins recently, as when the Scarecrow villain puts on his mask and the drugged victims sees maggots and other creepy crawlies squirming along the burlap covered face, I can only see the image of Kate. Jack is a whole other ballgame; he is like one of the lead marionettes from Team America: World Police, but with less range. Jack is a statue on Easter Island. Reflecting back on seasons past, Jack was a decent character back in Season 1 and was still somewhat tolerable in Season 2. Then he just took a spill off the high dive and fell awkwardly into the Olympic sized pool of suck. Notice the strange coincidence? No Kate, no Jack, good episode. Simple, right? Jack tries to blow up the world to win back Kate, but Kate still doesn’t love him. Meanwhile, Terry O’Quinn is acting his ass off, and carried this episode with the help of Sawyer, another one doing a bang up job. Good stuff this week, really good stuff.

A couple of frustrating developments from the enhanced episode from last week. The LAX loop is being referred to as a flash sideways, and term I am not all that comfortable with, but they just don’t want to use dual reality. In fact, the stupid pop ups explained that this is what would have happened if the plane never crashed. Which is total horsesh!!t, because details have changed from episode 1.1 of this series and episode 6.1. Things in the past changed the present details, or they are running through another loop. But don’t give me the bullsh!!t that the plane never crashed. At some point, it had to crash, in a previous loop or like it originally did. Why else is Hurley lucky, Shannon isn’t on the plane, and Helen is engaged to Locke? These dickwad writers can take a sh!!t in a hat and wear it.

Locke takes a spin on the world’s slowest rollercoaster from his van to his front yard, and gets stuck. Instead of calling for assistance, Locke decides that the ramp can’t tell him what he can’t do, and face plants firmly into the front lawn. I’ll chalk that one up as a victory for everybody who can’t ever use handicapped parking spots. The best part of the fall is the sprinklers going off and soaking John, much like random rain storms on the island would drench John. I just needed a ground hog to pop out of a hole and fart in Locke’s face. I don’t know why LOST insists on calling Peg Bundy Helen, but they do. Locke and Helen are planning a wedding in October, which is odd when you consider the Claire ultrasound was dated 10/22/2004 in the last episode. Doesn’t give them much time. They want to invite Locke’s father to the wedding. OK. Let’s pause for a second. The last time we saw Helen alive was when she told John that she would not marry him, in the parking lot of the motel, where John just dropped off a bag full of cash in helping his father with a con. We saw Helen’s gravesite, as John and Abaddon were visiting it just before Ben shot Abaddon and Locke drove off and got into a car accident, a few days prior to dying as Jeremy Bentham. Helen is alive, Ben is on good terms with his father, so how did Locke become paralyzed, as his father pushed him out an 8 story window to cause it in the previous timeline/loop? And if Locke’s father is not arguably a criminal at this point, are Sawyer’s parents alive? Helen finds Jack’s business card amongst Locke’s clothing. Helen wonders aloud what are the odds of running into a spinal surgeon, much like Ben said about Jack being on the plane the day after Ben was diagnosed with a spinal tumor. A much better rollercoaster than Locke’s Lift was the island tour we got from a smoke monster view, rollicking and rolling along, going up to the Barracks, and then retreating. Well, the reflection in the window didn’t exactly make the smoke monster look dark black, but it certainly wasn’t white. Locke did once describe seeing a white smoke monster on the island. But since we have never seen any proof of Jacob being able to do the cool sh!!t that MIB can, you have to assume that it’s MIB. Especially since it retreats to where he left piñata Richard hanging from a tree. I’ve said it many times before, the Smoke Monster is my favorite character on the show. Even though it turns out that MIB is Smokie is Locke, I’m not changing my rooting interests. When MIB shape shifts, he can recreate clothes and a backpack. But a machete, he cannot carry for some reason, as he picks one up out of the grass to cut down Richard. I suppose we never have seen Smokie with a weapon in any previous manifestation, unless you count Dave throwing a comfortable shoe at Hurley. Must be part of the Book of Laws.

And the commercials this week On Demand are again for Alice in Wonderland and the Bruce Willis singlehandedly saves the world flop. Which flop? I can’t tell them apart. Swell. Just 24 more viewings of each commercial. John returns from his trip to the Tustin box company. Randy is playing a box company supervisor this week and likely to play a chicken shack supervisor next week, dam that kid is versatile. Randy peppers John with question and accusations as if he was married to Tiger Woods? You’re fired. Back in the jungle, MIB and Richard have a conversation. Condensed…
MIB: What I’ve always wanted, for you to be with me.
Richard: Why do you look like John Locke?
MIB: I knew he would get me access to Jacob. John’s a candidate….was.
Richard: A what?
MIB: He never said why? I’ll tell you everything.
A bit of a problem here. The Other Others seem to understand about candidates, as they received the list from Jacob and understood what the Losties were. Aldo and Justin in the jungle with Kate and Jin understood what the candidates were as Justin protested shooting Jin over this very reason. Ilana thought Frank might be a candidate, so they hijacked him to come over from the Hydra. Ben accused Widmore of breaking the rules back in Season 4, after Alex was murdered, rules most likely pertaining to candidates. Yet, here is Richard, the only bumble fock servant of Jacob on this island completely oblivious of “candidates”. How unrealistic is that? The man is black sees a child/manifestation in the clearing beyond Richard, perhaps 7 years old, with blood on his hands/arms. Somebody get this kid a tampon. Richard turns to look, but the child is gone. It’s not that Richard couldn’t see him, but in this show, people and things disappear rather quickly. MIB is a bit perplexed but leaves Richard behind and walks away. Who did MIB see? Let’s start with dispelling the nonsense that is was Aaron. Aaron has a big head. When you see Aaron’s profile, it’s the same image as a hot air balloon. This kid did not have a huge coconut. Aaron isn’t even on the island. If Walt had some ability to teleport his image, it was his same exact image, not a grown up, older image. Aaron is 3 years old right now. Not Aaron. So, what else? Could be a young Jacob, a reborn Jacob. But, he appeared to Hurley as himself, looking to be the same age, very recently. So far, we have zero evidence that Jacob can shape shift or become a smoke monster thus far. A possibility might be the island itself is manifesting itself. Think about it. MIB fears no candidates, is hostile to Jacob, who seems like a peer. Who the hell can rattle MIB’s cage? The island itself might be able to, asserting itself into the final game. Otherwise, who knows who the kid is at this point? Ben re-enters the foot, and Ilana is crying over either her fallen comrades, or the death of Jacob, or not getting a Vermont Teddy bear for Valentine’s day. Ben explains that Locke turned into a pillar of black smoke and killed these men. Ben continues to refer to MIB as “Locke” completely oblivious as to what has actually occurs, and no one is correcting him. Ben cops out for now and says that Locke killed Jacob too. This may or may not turn out to be significant at some point, but for now, Ben, MIB and Jacob are the only people who know Ben actually killed Jacob and not MIB. Ilana gathers up a couple of handfuls of Jacob’s ash and proclaims that MIB is recruiting. She is one the same wavelength as the Other Others in the Temple. It’s odd that Richard and Ben seem a bit in the dark over these developments. MIB goes back to the Barracks as Locke, amidst the blasting of Iggy and the Stooges through loudspeakers, and Sawyer is drinking his ass off. Sawyer tells MIB I thought you were dead. That’s a dedicated drunk, not letting the appearance of death interrupt hoisting another one.

Sawyer doesn’t want to be rude, so he pours a liter of whiskey for both himself and his uninvited guest. The drink sloshes around in MIB’s hand, which prompts him to taste the liquid on his fingers. Well, we saw MIB eat a mango, so we know he can consume stuff. Pantsless Sawyer moseys back over to his couch, and I swear on all things holy that he has a gigantic black smeared stain on the back of his boxers. Hey, now. I wasn’t looking at Sawyer’s ass. I couldn’t help but look at the obvious stain. Sawyer is modeling his “Oops, I crapped my pants” style. I suppose that is why MIB didn’t drink, as he feared he would sh!!t himself too. That’s must be some GOOD dam whiskey. Sawyer toasts and than tells MIB to beat it. A dawning realization comes over Sawyer. Hey, you’re not John Locke. So THAT’S how you can tell MIB is pretending to be somebody else. You need to be piss drunk. Shame on the Others for not figuring that out. Sawyer: John Locke was scared. I’m not so sure. Are you really being scared when you are stomping around an island like you are some kind of Colonel Kurtz, throwing knives into people’s backs and trying to allow some monster drag you off into some dark hole. Was this an early attempt by MIB to infect John, way back in season 1, the whole dragging thing when they went to get dynamite? MIB has seen enough of Sawyer’s front bulge and needs to think fast on his feet to convince him to put on some pants. After all, MIB doesn’t exactly strike me as being fruity. “I can tell you why you are on this island. I can show you”. There ya go. That did the trick. Time to put on some pants. Locke is exasperated by someone parking a van right next to his van. The nerve. And in a parking lot, no less. What will they think of next? Locke tries to damage the van with his mechanical lift, but it jams. Gee, the owner of van got lucky to not get a scratch. You’d think he was the luckiest guy in the world. Here’s Hurley.
From 6.2 LAX Part Two
In the background, Hurley is talking business, about expanding his franchises into Australia and the Tustin inventory report. Previously, on LOST, we found out that Hurley owned the box company in Tustin that Locke used to work for, and most likely currently works for. Kate jumps into the same cab as Claire, pulls out a gun, and tells the driver to go.
John throws a tantrum and insists that he can park anywhere he wants. Well, so can Hurley, so cram it up your cram hole. John explains that he was fired, and Hurley identifies Randi as a douche. That’s a little harsh. I enjoyed Randi giving Locke the business, and he was perfectly justified in canning the Colonel, if for no other reason to break up the lunch time game of Risk. Stupid Risk. Hurley gives John a contact at a temp agency to hook him up with a job. I miss crazy Hurley, who had to keep asking people if they were dead. This guy has his sh!!t together, and it’s annoying me. Nobody likes a winner. We find out what happened to the Others on the beach near the foot, as left for the Temple. Let’s see if they compare notes with the Other Others, something the Losties had a lot of trouble doing the first couple of seasons. Ilana guesses that Jin is probably there too. Wrong. Sun wants to bury John. Nice. If John comes back to life, it will have to be as a zombie pulling himself out of the grave. Cool visual. Don’t forget, Season 7 of LOST will feature nothing but zombies. We will permit Kate to be alive, as who could tell the difference? Sawyer tells MIB that everybody else is at the Temple. This Temple is apparently the place to be, the hot, swinging club in town. Sawyer fails to inform the big guy that Kate is most likely running around somewhere. Dam it. He should have narced her out. Sawyer and MIB see a kid standing near them. Oh, this is definitely young Jacob. No doubt about it. Not Aaron, not the island, but Jacob. His appearance, his demeanor. MIB chases Jacob through the jungle like a crazed con man chasing a floating bottle of whiskey. When MIB falls, Jacob turns to lecture him. “You know the rules, you can’t kill him”. A reference to Sawyer, letting the viewer know that this is not the episode Sawyer dies in. Locke’s old persona breaks through for a miraculously brief moment like sunshine in Seattle. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.” Not exactly “Luke, I am your father” but it was still dramatic. Or funny. It was definitely something. Jacob walks off while glaring.

Richard manages to find Sawyer, and I could swear that his sweating is making Richard’s eyeliner run a bit. “Let’s go to the Temple and find some booty.” Are the hip young kids still using the word “booty”? Sawyer is no wing man. The MIB has some answers and Sawyer is against all odds sober enough to follow him through the jungle. How the hell is Sawyer not staggering around and slurring his speech? I bet he would fail a sobriety test right now. But I guess the island is magical place where people heal and suffer no hangovers. Richard: No, he wants to kill you, he wants everybody dead, including your friends. It must be sad to go through life as a complete boob. I have lost all respect for Richard, who seemed like a cool cat for a long time. He knows NOTHING. Jacob told him squat, and in turn, Richard told Ben squat. Holy fockballs. How can Richard not know what candidates are? How can Richard not know that Sawyer is a candidate and can’t be harmed? While it’s true that MIB wants the candidates dead, he personally can’t kill them. Manipulation can kill the candidates. So, why does it seem that the Other Others know more than Richard. When Richard brought shot Ben to the Temple, I bet he simply handed him to Aldo and said “well, you guys know what to do, I’ll just be running along to get a scoop at the ice cream hatch”. Richard is weak and worthless. Locke goes to the temp agency, and is interviewed by the psychic that Hugo’s father hired to convince him that he wasn’t cursed. People continue to gravitate towards the Oceanic 815 in this flashsideways, but to be fair, I’m sure lots of things gravitate towards Hugo’s mass. Get it? That was a physics joke? Sigh. If you were to describe yourself as an animal, what would it be? Personally, I’d go with yeti. Are you a people person? Look, you gypsy b!tch, you want to read my palm? Because it’s going to leave an imprint on your face in about 5 seconds. Well, Locke didn’t say that, but he should have. The supervisor is Rose Nadler, so I guess she is still married to Bernard as her maiden name is Henderson. A game of I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours breaks out, and it is terminal cancer vs. crippled legs. These two are clearly the life of the party wherever they go. Rose tells Locke that she had accepted it, got past the denial, and wants to help John find a job he can do. Keep the lampshades away from these whacky nuts. Still, it’s a jarring contrast of John constantly saying don’t tell me what I can’t do vs. finding something he can do. Drop the negative and focus on the positive. Yuck. Being positive sucks. I’d rather run a grater over my genitals. Sawyer references Of Mice and Men for the second time in the series, the first being when Ben led Sawyer to the top of a rise on Hydra island and told him that there was nowhere to go if he tried to escape the polar bear cages again. Sawyer threatens to recreate the key scenario of the book by putting a bullet into MIB’s skull. Surprisingly to Sawyer, MIB tells him “Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?” MIB starts whining about being trapped, I forgot what it’s like to be free, I was once a man just like you, and that’s the truth. Apparently, MIB is married. It does draw into focus the concept of substitution, and that MIB wants to reclaim his once humanity. But if he were looking simply for a substitute, he already grabbed one in Locke. So, how does a black pillar of smoke escape being trapped? The really problematic part of the whole speech is that MIB has been off island. Who else was appearing as Libby to Michael? How about Christian appearing to Jack in the hospital? Smoke detector went off. Remember? It’s not about being physically trapped on the island. It’s about being trapped in a role, being the foil to Jacob’s jackassery. But he already grabbed Locke. Sloppy, writers, very sloppy.

What lies in the shadow of the statue? He who will save us all. Don’t forget this little tidbit from last season, because Locke’s dead body is still lying in the shadow. Well, until Ilana and Ben start to carry his carcass across the beach to a graveyard. Ilana explains that they needed to show who they were up against, namely MIB disguised as Locke. Now, he can’t change his appearance, he is stuck that way. Why? How the hell should I know? This guy has shape shifted from spiders to horses to dead people to living people. Yes, living, as in tall ghost Walt. Don’t assume it’s only dead people. He was Alex when Locke was looking for ropes under the Temple. Why is he stuck NOW? Is it because Jacob is dead now? John is tossed into the ground, and no one wants to give a eulogy. Even in death, Locke Dangerfield gets no respect. Ooh, somebody step on a duck? *Braaap* Ben finally sighs and steps up to the plate. John was a believer, a man of faith, a better man than I will ever be, I’m sorry I murdered him. You do realize that Ben was bragging about killing John. Frank calls it the weirdest funeral he’s ever seen. No, it’s the weirdest one because you are sober and lucid, Frank. Here is a man desperately in need of a pot brownie. An alarm clock rings, sounding exactly like the warning noise from the Swan hatch when the button wasn’t pressed soon enough, and Locke awakens. I am having a hard time looking at John without that scar above and below his eye. John calls Jack’s office and a secretary answers the phone. John is startled. Now, I am not claiming to be an expert at making a phone call, but some say I am very capable of performing this routine, everyday task. When I call a doctor’s office to make an appointment, I am not expecting to talk to the actual doctor. Doctor’s have things to do, like seeing patients, playing golf, and defrauding health insurance companies. I expect to talk to a secretary. John is stunned. Hey, I thought this was Jack’s number. I must have misdialed. John hangs up. John Locke is truly a candidate. For worst prank caller ever. So, how did John and Helen get engaged? In previous versions of LOST, we saw Helen meet John in a group therapy session, where John went off kilter from his father stealing his kidney. John is on good terms with the ‘ole man. So, no therapy, no daddy issues apparently, but John is paralyzed and engaged to Helen. What the fock is going on here? Screw it. I don’t want any more wasted time spent on the filler LAX timeline/reality. Just, get back to the goodness. Nothing interesting ever happens off the island. And when you take a look at my boring life, you’d swear to the same thing. Helen is sporting a Peace and Karma t-shirt. I found it much more interesting that there were literally hundreds of vases all over Locke’s and Helen’s love shack. A vase is vessel, and Locke’s body….ah, who cares? Symbolism aside, I was sickened by the decorating motif. Stop calling me fruity. John confesses that he was fired. Well, John really planned out this wedding thing. First, risk your life trying to go on a walkabout in a wheelchair, then get fired to make sure you have zero financial security. Right on schedule there, Johnny. John: Go ahead, open the just delivered luggage. When Helen took a peak, I was expecting to see the head of Gwyneth Paltrow. That’s right Helen, I’m Dexter. Don’t tell me what I can’t do. I’m a wheelchair serial killer. I always catch my prey. Bwhahahaha. Well, unless they go up some steps. Or a really steep hill. Or when it’s snowing. Then I’m focked. John explains that they wouldn’t let him go on the walkabout, and they were right. Wow. What a change in John’s basic principles. He’s become a quitter. I’m sick of what I can’t do. I can’t walk. There are no such things as miracles. John stops just short of proclaiming that there are no such things as islands and that he was the Duchess of Yorkshire Pudding. Helen is impressed, since she has always wanted to financially support a man that has given up on himself. They rip up Jack’s card. I think I need some air. OK, I’m back after a 5 minute breather to vomit and then start drinking. That doesn’t sound quite right. So, if John was able to walk on the island, how did it happen, short of a miracle. MIB hasn’t shown any ability to heal people. Neither has Jacob. Ben and Sayid were taken to the Temple to heal. When Locke fell and Jacob touched him, Locke was still busted up. So, how did Locke walk? The connection to the island? He thought he was special and the island was a place where miracles happened. Well, I guess it is a miracle place after all. Nothing that we have learned about Jacob and/or MIB has changed that. Sawyer is drunk ladder climbing, a brand new event in the tedious Winter Olymics, a global showcase of how much of an epic fail Canada is. Beep. Beep. Here comes the Faildozer. But it’s powered by green power. Even the faildozer breaks down. The ladder breaks, exactly how we’ve seen in the endless LOST promos that we have all seen over the last month or so. Call it a tremendously anticlimactic action sequence. Which is how you can describe nearly every scene in every movie starring John Travolta. MIB keeps Sawyer from falling, keeping a candidate alive. But MIB would not have been directly killing Sawyer. He could have let him fall. Yet, at this point, he must be more interested in recruiting than ending the list. Hey, it’s a cave. There is a balancing scale, with a white rock and a black rock. While you may still cling to some notion of Good vs. Evil, this show is nothing about that particular timeless battle. Besides, as the immortal Rick Moranis told us in Spaceballs, “Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.” MIB is an assh0le. Jacob is an assh0le. Hey, I’m not kidding about Jacob. He wanted to save Sayid by bringing him to the Temple. Hey, assh0le, Juliet is right over there. She is on the list (#55). She is a candidate. What, you’re through with her? She’s no longer worthy? Eliminated before the evening gown competition? So, you just let her die. How hard would it have been to grab Juliet along with Sayid and try to save both? But NOOOOOOOOO. Jacob simply let her die. Jacob allows a hell of a lot of people to die. This game better be important. Not like some kind of hockey game, because everybody knows hockey never matters. But this game between MIB and Jacob has cost a lot of people their lives. MIB picks up a white rock, and tosses it into the angry sea, my friend, like an old man trying to return soup in a deli. While MIB proclaims this to be Jacob’s cave, I find it an odd declaration. Jacob lived in the foot, and maybe at times in the cabin. When did Jacob ever live in this cave? Doesn’t it seem more likely like MIB’s lair. He knows his way around it quite well, knew what they would find when they got there. Hell, we’ve never seen where MIB actually lives, other than the vents in the Temple when Ben was “judged”. This is why you are here, and the walls are covered in names and numbers. Let’s see what we can identify.

2 - Lacombe (French guy)
4 - Locke (John)
8 - Reyes (Hugo)
10 - Mattingly (US Army)
15 - Ford (James)
16 - Jarrah (Sayid)
20 - Rousseau (Robert, Danielle, or Alex)
23 - Shephard (Jack or Christian)
29 – Brennan (French guy)
31 - Rutherford (Shannon)
33 – Martin (Karl)
42 - Kwon (Jin, Sun, or Ji Yeon)
49 - Eko (Mr. or Yemi, depending on what their last name was)
55 - Burke (Juliet)
64 - Goldstein
71 - Franetzki
90 – Troupe (Gary, Lostie)
115 - Bargas
117 - Linus (Roger, Ben, or Emily)
119 – Almieda
134 – Chang (Dr Pierre or wife Lara)
140 - Lewis (Charlotte or her parents David, Jeanette)
171 – Straume (Miles)
175 - Costa
195 - Pace (Charlie)
197 – Skeckler
202 - Harccus
221 - Carlyle (Boone)
222 - O'Toole
231 - Amistad
233 – Jones (US Army)
249 – Garner
251 – Yaris
272 – Oralinco
282 - Aguella
285 – Jenkins (Steve, Lostie)
291 - Domingo
313 - Littleton (Claire or Aaron)
317 - Cunningham (US Army)
321 – Fernandez (Nikki, Lostie)
335 – Henderson (Rose’s maiden name)
346 - Grant
761 - Faraday (Daniel)

?? - Aguila
?? - Goodspeed (Horace or Ethan or Olivia or Amy)
?? – Pickett (Danny or Colleen, Others)
?? - Reynolds
?? – Sullivan (Lostie)

Some random thoughts. No Kate Austen on the list, and I say the heavens be praised. Kate is a wishy washy colostomy bag, not a future ruler of an island. I wouldn’t put her in charge of a lemonade stand. And don’t give me the “she must be number 108” nonsense. Just because Jacob visits you doesn’t put you on the wall. Jacob visited Ilana. Is she on the wall? There is no #108 in the Valenzetti Equation.

The Valenzetti Equation is the mathematical equation developed by the reclusive Princeton University mathematician Enzo Valenzetti. Its creation was the result of efforts made following the Cuban Missile Crisis by the United States and the Soviet Union to find a solution to the hostility and danger of imminent global disaster created by the Cold War. The equation was secretly commissioned through the UN Security Council and is used to predict the time of human extinction. According to the 1975 orientation film in the Sri Lanka Videoo, the Valenzetti Equation "predicts the exact number of years and months until humanity extinguishes itself." During the video, Alvar Hansoo also states that the radio transmitter on the Island, will "broadcast the core numerical values of the Valenzetti Equation." The numbers, 4,8,15,16,23,42, are the numerical values to the core environmental and human factors of the Valenzetti Equation. Alvar Hanso also states in the video that the purpose of the DHARMA Initiativee is to change the numerical values of any one of the core factors in the equation in order to give humanity a chance to survive by, effectively, changing doomsday.

There is no guarantee of a number 108 here, people. We knew the numbers would be explained at some point, and the relevance to Jacob. To prevent doomsday through a key change. Who was crossing off the names in the cave, MIB or Jacob? If it was Jacob, how the hell did he cross off Juliet’s name, since she died after Jacob did? Oh, that’s because you don’t have to be dead to be crossed off. Miles is on the list, as is potentially Ben and Claire. So, you simply have to be eliminated from contention to be crossed off. Or dead. Because what kind of candidate are you if you are dead. Still, it was MIB that crosses off Locke’s name, not Jacob, so MIB is making the decision that Locke is no longer a Jacob substitute. Might be a mistake, as the whole show is Locke centric, Locke is a substitute, literally, in the dual reality, so maybe, just maybe Locke remains a candidate. Let’s face it, the names not crossed off are a sorry bunch of people. They actually left the island. MIB said that Locke was the only one that didn’t want to leave. Why is that any different now? Sayid is ready to die, Jack only wants Kate, Jin and Sun have a kid back home, Sawyer doesn’t give a rat’s piss about anything, and Hugo is inept. Locke is the only person from the beginning of the series that has shown any possible predisposition to be a protector or an island. He is the sole person worthy of such a role. Hugo? Please. Jack? Has the intelligence of a totem pole. Jack's main issue is that he is in love with Kate. Why did Jack try to blow up the island? He confessed to Sawyer that he lost Kate and he needed to reset things to get her back. Jack might care about people somewhat, but everything he does right now is motivated by his winning Kate back. Will that mean Jack becomes protector of the island solely for Kate? Maybe to save her life. But he will not do it for the island. Jack is also a doctor. He doesn't usually leave sick people behind, but he did at the Swan in 1977. He was so desperate to be given another chance with Kate, he left Sayid to die, hoping the bomb would reset things so as a side benefit Sayid could live. Now, he probably feels some guilt, and needs to fix Sayid because he neglected him because of his obsession with Kate. Jack wasn't going with Kate into the jungle from the Temple because he knew she was going chasing after Sawyer. He knows he hasn't won her back yet, so let Sawyer drive her away again back into Jack's arms, knowing how angry Sawyer was. Jack returned to the island because off island Kate didn't want anything to do with him anymore. He needed to get island Kate back. If a central theme with the candidates and the island and the battle between MIB and Jacob is Choice and Free Will, why would any of the remaining candidates WANT to stay and protect the island. These are very selfish people doing selfish things for selfish reasons. As far as the rules, when Ben accused Widmore of breaking the rules, it must have been against the rules for anyone to kill a candidate, in which case Alex would have been the Rousseau. So, why did young Charles want to kill Alex to begin with? Is Jacob is a savage murderer and simply kills off people when they are deemed unworthy. Like the Purge. Ben repeatedly tried to break the rules. He ordered the death of all non females on the beach at the end of Season 3. Ben blew up the freighter with candidates on it. Ben killed Locke. Ben orchestrated the Purge. Was this done at Ben’s request or Jacob’s request through Richard, as Ben never talked to Jacob before he killed him. Ethan tried to kill Charlie, another candidate. Goodwin talked highly about Ana Lucia as potentially being a candidate, but it’s probably not the same thing. Some names are crossed off none at all, some once, some multiple times. These could possibly signify how many times these people died in previous tests, which would be previous iterations in loops. And when you show the ability to fail, in other words die, then you probably aren’t a good candidate. But there are still inconsistencies. MIB killed Mr Eko. He should not have been able to. The Temple Others were really, really careless trying to kill the Losties without knowing who they were.

Back to the show. John is now a substitute teacher running a gym class full of students that are running, and teaching teenagers about the birds and the bees. As Locke wheels himself into the teacher’s lounge, lo and behold, if it isn’t Ben Linus!! And he’s acting like a total ass. Happy days are here again. Fear not, I shall make a fresh pot of coffee. I’m Ben Linus, and I teach European history. My hero. I feel like a teenage girl watching American Idol. That last sentence just gave my goose bumps and no doubt nightmares for the foreseeable future. I feel chilly from the goose bumps. As Sawyer peers at the cave walls covered in names and scratch outs, MIB tries to explain some stuff. This was Jacob’s cave, which is dubious to me. He died yesterday. Jacob had a thing for numbers. You met him at some point in your life. Most likely when you were vulnerable or miserable. He manipulated you, pushed you into choices, pushed you towards the island, because you are a candidate. Well, to be fair, Jacob and MIB both are/were doing the same thing. Manipulating people for their own benefit. MIB: Jacob thought he was the protector of this place, and you’ve been nominated for the job. This really sucks if you don’t want the job. Let some illegal alien have the job, I’ll just kick back and drink Budweisers for the next two years while the government pays me to sit at home and watch daytime judge shows. There are three choices:
- Do nothing and see how it plays out
- Accept the job, protect the island from nothing, it’s just a dam island, Jacob wasted lives
- We just go and get off the island, together, sort of like eloping
Sawyer likes option #3. So, the MIB has been off the island before, but needs Sawyer to go with him? This makes no sense. Also, MIB was really selling how dumb #2 was. Overselling. Sawyer, a con man, must have seen that. Sawyer is probably trying to figure out how to con MIB. Of course, #1 is the best option. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to take a #2, if you know what I mean, so that will wrap up this weeks nonsense from this focking moron.