5.01 Because You Left

Well, it’s that time of year again for my self-indulgent, rambling, somewhat intoxicated write-ups on the goodness that is LOST, the best TV show I’ve ever come across. If you haven’t read both of my Season 5 preview pieces before now, please do so, since they were chock full of good information and predictions. Go ahead. I can wait. I’ll just continue to pat myself on the back for my intuitiveness. And for the nay-sayers, honestly, I refuse to read spoilers, I avoid previews like they are candy from a stranger, and do my best to be as ignorant of future events as possible like every politician I’ve ever heard of, from Reagan to Obama. There. That should get everybody pissed off at me. To be sure, I could throw in something about punching Mother Theresa. Well, maybe not. But I would love to drop a piano from great height on top of that lunkhead that is schilling Sham Wow. While he is holding hands with Oprah. Did I mention this was self-indulgent? Anyway, on to the drinkin….writeup. Let’s start with the first episode only today, as these essays take up time, and I don’t want to spend my whole focking Friday night doing this.

As the season starts, Sam Beckett is on another mission , one he needs to complete before the white light fills the screen and he takes another Quantum Leap in time. Wait. That’s not right? Hmmm. Can you tell I’m rubbing my hands together with delightful glee? We have reached science fiction central. Screw you, all of you lame couch potatoes that abandoned this show. Shame on you. Go watch American Idol, Two and a Half Men, and something else equally awful.

And we start with an alarm clock going off, changing from 8:14 to 8:15. Well, we are all aware of the numbers by now, so I’ll skip the explanation. We see ‘ole Candle/Halliwax waking up to tend to his kid on LOST island. First of all, in a matter of minutes, Dharma will call him, off camera, as Dr Chang, so from now on, I’ll refer to him as the same. Well, ‘ole grumpy Chang is heating up some formula for his crying kid. Now, the speculation here is that Chang’s kid is…drum roll….Miles. Based on the relative youth of Miles, this could be plausible. And let’s review the purpose of the freighter folks. Keamy and his men were there to kill. Naomi was to lead a group of scientists to the island first. Daniel is the physicist and time/space expert. Frank was the pilot. Charlotte was born on the island supposedly and found the Dharma polar bear. Miles can speak with the dead, but nobody else seems to know his gift. So, maybe he is looking for childhood answers. Now, if Chang’s kid died in the Dharma purge led by Ben, none of this is likely, but we can speculate. But Miles looks a bit like Chang. And has anyone else grown to appreciate the sarcasm of Miles. The guy gets off some really funny lines. We get to see a record skipping as Chang is getting ready for work. The song is Shotgun Willie, by Willie Nelson. After a bit of research, turns out the record won rave reviews from music critics, but was not commercially successful. Might be an inside joke about Lost’s ratings dropping, and that the show is now competing head to head with American Idol. Good thing we have a guaranteed 6th season by ABC, and a definite end to the series.. Plus the record is a nice foreshadowing to an upcoming remark by Daniel about the island being a skipping record. Interesting to see the barracks again, while they were still bustling with activity and before they got blown up. Chang does his schtick in front of a camera, reminding us of the Arrow hatch, where the Tailies were hiding in Season Two. Apparently, the hatch was meant to create defensive strategies and gather information on island hostiles. Oh, we have a problem at the Orchid. Drill bits are melting, workers are collapsing, blah, blah, blah. Chang gets the men to seal it up, and forbids exploring the chambers behind the wall. Which coincides with his Orchid orientation tape that Locke watched at the end of last season. But Ben ended up doing the opposite of Chang’s instructions, and goes inside the chamber to eventually move the island. Questions pop up here. Dharma’s mission on the island is now clear: time travel. Unlimited energy, manipulate time, along with rules that can’t be broken. How did they find out about the special powers of the island in the first place. Why did Jacob want the island moved if he knew about the effects to come, and have Ben execute them, seemingly breaking a rule? Then we see Daniel, of all people, back in the past, sneaking around the Orchid, making observations. What the fock?

We go to the funeral parlor, and see Abraham Lincoln Jack with Ben. Jack is looking demoralized, depressed, and completely befuddled, with a horrendous beard. What else is new? Ben spends time tearing down Jack, then trying to build him back up again. Ben claims he hasn’t seen Locke since he left the island, but I have a really hard time of believing that, especially with Ben being aware that Locke was off the island to begin with. Also, you know Ben knows what happened after the island moved. He even said last season that unpredictable things happen after the island moves. Yet, he chooses to stare at Jack with his patented bug-eyed yet cross-eyed stare, and say nothing. Next, we revisit Ben turning the frozen donkey wheel and the island moving. We get some other perspectives of what happened next. Locke is suddenly alone in the jungle, the Others gone. Daniel and a few extras are in the Zodiac raft, and Daniel remarks that they were inside the radius. He knows that they moved along with the island. Sawyer and Juliet are perplexed by the magical missing freighter smoke. Maybe the boat sank? Sawyer stomped all over that idea. Which got me thinking. How much better would the movie Titanic have been if it sank in 5 minutes. Hell, if the whole piece of crap movie was just 5 minutes long. But I digress. Stupid Leo DiCaprio and Kate whats her name. I hope they walk under a piano hanging off the top of a building with dental floss. Ok, ok, I really digress. But that stupid movie makes me angry. And it made so much money. Why can’t Caddyshack or Shawshank Redemption make that kind of money. For fock’s sake, the Big Lebowski didn’t do squat in the box office. Where is the justice? Any way, back to trashing Titanic, the most pretentious crap put on film, this side of that douche chill inducing Coyote Ugly. So, rather than seeing the lovely Juliet dancing on top of a bar, Bernard stumbles out of the jungle, following closely by Rose. Look, I know that Ma and Pa Kettle have a place in LOST mythology, but can they at least try to act a little bit. Just show some effort. My God. Do they give Razzies for TV shows. They couldn’t act their way out of traffic ticket. Rose says the camp is gone. They why the bloody hell did you just tell us a mere 15 seconds ago that you were just at the church (Mr Eko’s)? If the church is there, where is the camp, you big dummy. OK, That’s it. I hate her. I know that I now hate about half the characters on this show, but I officially really, really, super duper double probation hate her. Just go for a swim, and get eaten by a shark. Nobody will miss you. Daniel comes back, and Charlotte gives him a lukewarm hug, like she is naked, and is hugging a cactus. I don’t know where the writers are going with this puppy love angle, but when Charlotte tells Daniel “I though you were on the freighter.” and the stupid freighter blows up, it’s safe to assume that Daniel is probably dead. But he shows up alive, and all you give him is a hug like you are hugging a guy after a good round of golf. Jolly good , chap. And yet, I kind of like Ginger Lizard now. Not like Rose. Did I mention I hate Rose? Go pound sand, Rose. Sawyer continues to walk around on screen without a shirt, much to every male viewer’s embarrassment. We get it. Women think Sawyer is some kind of sex symbol. Ya think you might be overdoing it this week. How about we get an episode where Sawyer wears a Scottish kilt for 45 minutes and bends over, over and over again. Yuck.

After a commercial, Kate meets some lawyers. That want a blood sample. Now, while it’s fine that Kate told them to beat it, why didn’t A. the lawyers come with a policeman in tow to enforce the subpoena, or B. do a stakeout and follow Kate when she bolted. Come on, Kate has been running every chance she gets. Of course she was going to take off. So why didn’t…whatever. By the way, Kate left with one suitcase. Did she even bother to pack for Aaron? I submit that no, she did not. Selfish Kate, just like always. Thinking about herself. Juliet asks Sawyer why he jumped from the helicopter, which is one of the most selfless acts done by any of the Losties in this series. Sawyer wanted her…er,…them to make it to the freighter. Personally, I would have tossed Jack into the sea, but I don’t write the scripts. Sawyer confronts Daniel, and gives him a good , hearty slap, before threatening Ginger Spice with the same. Daniel does a nice job of explaining the skipping record concept , that the island is dislodged from time, and that more than likely, the Lefties (yeah, it’s time to give them a name) are moving through time. Locke is wandering around the jungle, and here comes Yemi’s plane. I nailed this one from the previews, as I mentioned random events from the past repeating or reliving, and here comes the Virgin Mary heroin statues. Strangely enough, if you recall Season One, Locke’s use of his legs was taken away just as he and Boone found Yemi’s plane. That forced Boone to climb up, and he ended up dying. That scene was very much a way of the island protecting Locke from potential death. Now, Locke is climbing the trees to investigate the plane, and again, something intercedes from Locke getting inside the plane, as Ethan shoots Locke and he falls quite a distance to the ground. Here are my complaints. Locke falls, and isn’t hurt, and he fell from quite some height, maybe not as high up as when his father tackled him out a hotel window, but still…And what about Ethan? Here is a stranger in a jungle of an island you know is hard to find. He knows your name. He knows Ben’s name. Yet, you try to kill him? Without questioning him further. EPIC FAIL. Ethan might be the dumbest person on the planet. Check that. Ethan is the dumbest person ever born. Locke is left in the jungle, shot, again. Record skipping.

As you’ve probably noticed, I try to do paragraph breaks for commercials, unless there is a ridiculous amount of diatribe to type about individual key scenes. While Richard knew Locke since birth, Ethan is a moron that didn’t, and tried to shoot our hero just before time jumped. Sun is in an airport, and is detained. I swear to everything holy, the more I look on Sun’s face, the more I am convinced she is a reptile. She doesn’t focking blink. She is a monster, flicking her tongue, until she can hurt people again. Remember when the writers tried to portray her as some meek victim. Bullsh!t. I was onto her from the beginning, and she is pure evil. Sure, I suppose she might be working for Ben to fool Widmore. But I don’t buy it. Remember when she had a secret on the island about she could talk English. How long did that last? A couple of days? Then she had an affair, and blurted it out to Juliet. The women is walking verbal diarrhea. She couldn’t keep the current time a secret for more than 15 minutes. No, she is not working for Ben. She is detained in a room with Charles Widmore. Here is why this scene is so important. Widmore wants to confirm his dominant role in their partnership, “I will be respected” and still is unsure who Sun is referring to as a common enemy. Sun is on her way to Los Angeles, and is not a partner with Widmore yet. This makes me strongly believe that the lawyers at Kate’s door were sent by Ben, to flush out Kate, and make her more eager to join the mission back to the island. Ben and Jack are watching Hurley on TV for his bloody escape. Ever notice how much TV time Hurley gets, from the lottery, the Chicken shack meteor hit, the Oceanic 6 rescue, the arrest when he saw Charlie. Hurley is a media wh0re. Anyway, Hugo and Sayid visit Rainbow chicken to get some grub. While Hurley talks about the benefits of comfort food over killing, and he has apparently never tried to make somebody eat a dozen Big Macs, Sayid’s paranoia leads to broken tape over his hotel door, a quick back flip in tossing somebody off a balcony, and then incorporating the ancient Japanese fighting technique of a using a dishwasher to skewer somebody to death. An inconvenient tranquilizer dart forces Hurley to rescue Sayid and drive off from the scene of the crime.

As the 5 are walking through the jungle, and I have to ask why Sawyer, Juliet, Daniel, Miles, and Charlotte are the only ones exploring, where the hell are the others? I mean, if I was on the beach, I would follow this group for some focking answers, Miles tells Charlotte that it took Widmore 20 years to find the LOST island. Good info to file away for later reference. They reach the blown up Swan Hatch. We could warn the helicopter not to take off to go to the freighter. The wet blanket that is Daniel states that is not how it works. You can’t change anything. We would fail. Whatever happened, will happen. Daniel has studied Dharma and space/time all his life, and nobody can stop what will happen. Locke is hobbling along in the jungle, He goes inside the wreckage of Yemi’s plane. Oddly enough, Eko burned the plane, but when Locke looks around, the Mary heroin statues are still in perfect condition. So is this some leap into the LOST timeframe, between past and future? Richard comes to the rescues to remove the bullet from Locke‘s leg. Apparently, John tells Richard in the future about the bullet. Richard says about Ethan what goes around comes around. Totally bizarre. What the fock is Richard talking about? When am I? It’s all relative; next time you see me, I will not recognize me, hand me the compass. Convince the others to come back, you have to die to save the island. So much cryptic stuff from Richard, I can’t begin to speculate. But let’s not forget how ageless Richard visited foster care Locke last season, and asked him to pick out items that belonged to him. Locke chose a COMPASS, which is what Richard gave him, a bottle of what looked like salt/volcanic ash, which surrounded Jacob’s cabin, and a knife, which was a wrong selection and pissed off Richard. Although Richard’s statements remain ambiguous, I want to know if the Lefties can interact with themselves if they arrive at a period of time that allows it.

Juliet explains the Swan Hatch to the new Lefties. Daniel’s eyes light up at the mention of Desmond, as it seems the Freighter Lefties don’t know all the recent activities on the island. Sawyer pounds on the door, wanting supplies from Desmond, a man he has never met. Daniel starts to throw around a lot of platitudes. If it hasn’t happened, it can’t happen. You can’t change the past. Charlotte is having nose bleeds, reminiscent of George Minkowski riding the Ferris wheel on the freighter last year, just before he dropped dead. While everybody leaves, Daniel knocks for another 20 minutes to get Desmond’s attention. I don’t know you. Really? You don’t know him from Oxford, and the mouse testing, and the whole focking The Constant episode? Daniel tells Desmond how special he is, rules don’t apply to him. Go back to Oxford and find my mother. And when Desmond wakes up on Penny’s boat 3 years after the Oceanic 6 rescue, he suddenly has a memory of Daniel telling him to go to Oxford. So much for not being able to change the future. Daniel just did.

I’ll be back in a day or two with Part Two of the writeup, 5.02 The Lie. I want to re-emphasize that my Part Two Season Preview refers to the island as a living being, time traveling, and that the Oceanic 6 are the constant. The island has built up an emotional tie to those folks. And why not? Christian and Claire are inside Jacob’s cabin, while Jack and Aaron are family. Hurley can find Jacob’s cabin. And rest, here in Gilligan’s Island.

Have a good weekend.