Monday, February 22, 2010

6.4 The Substitute

I’d like to take a moment and acknowledge a brand new reader of my ramblings. An anonymous poster at the blog site dropped by and conveyed to me the message that “You sound like a focking moron.” Welcome aboard, ma’am. Let me explain that my particular style of LOST commentary is using a brief recap style, interjecting thoughts, theories, and ridiculous notions in between scenes. It’s much easier that trying to write theories and having to fully recreate scenes over and over again, and I can’t count on everybody to re-watch each episode 3 to 13 times like some kind of autistic douche. So picture yourself sitting in my very lived in living room as I watch the episodes, hit pause, take a swing at some beverage, or swig, and complain or explain something that comes to mind. I can assure you that none of these will ever win a Pulitzer or the more prestigious Oprah Book of the Month. Some people just can’t get past hundreds of death threats and a couple dozen attempts on their life. That’s right, Oprah, I haven’t forgotten about you.

Police in Lilburn near Atlanta have charged Westley Strellis with 29 counts of criminal damage to property in the second degree. Witnesses tell police he grabbed a metal baseball bat from the sporting goods section Wednesday, February 10th, walked to the electronics department and destroyed the TVs on display.

While I don’t live in Atlanta, it would seem that I was not the only one disgusted by the Kate episode from last week. Sure, I watched Batman Begins recently, as when the Scarecrow villain puts on his mask and the drugged victims sees maggots and other creepy crawlies squirming along the burlap covered face, I can only see the image of Kate. Jack is a whole other ballgame; he is like one of the lead marionettes from Team America: World Police, but with less range. Jack is a statue on Easter Island. Reflecting back on seasons past, Jack was a decent character back in Season 1 and was still somewhat tolerable in Season 2. Then he just took a spill off the high dive and fell awkwardly into the Olympic sized pool of suck. Notice the strange coincidence? No Kate, no Jack, good episode. Simple, right? Jack tries to blow up the world to win back Kate, but Kate still doesn’t love him. Meanwhile, Terry O’Quinn is acting his ass off, and carried this episode with the help of Sawyer, another one doing a bang up job. Good stuff this week, really good stuff.

A couple of frustrating developments from the enhanced episode from last week. The LAX loop is being referred to as a flash sideways, and term I am not all that comfortable with, but they just don’t want to use dual reality. In fact, the stupid pop ups explained that this is what would have happened if the plane never crashed. Which is total horsesh!!t, because details have changed from episode 1.1 of this series and episode 6.1. Things in the past changed the present details, or they are running through another loop. But don’t give me the bullsh!!t that the plane never crashed. At some point, it had to crash, in a previous loop or like it originally did. Why else is Hurley lucky, Shannon isn’t on the plane, and Helen is engaged to Locke? These dickwad writers can take a sh!!t in a hat and wear it.

Locke takes a spin on the world’s slowest rollercoaster from his van to his front yard, and gets stuck. Instead of calling for assistance, Locke decides that the ramp can’t tell him what he can’t do, and face plants firmly into the front lawn. I’ll chalk that one up as a victory for everybody who can’t ever use handicapped parking spots. The best part of the fall is the sprinklers going off and soaking John, much like random rain storms on the island would drench John. I just needed a ground hog to pop out of a hole and fart in Locke’s face. I don’t know why LOST insists on calling Peg Bundy Helen, but they do. Locke and Helen are planning a wedding in October, which is odd when you consider the Claire ultrasound was dated 10/22/2004 in the last episode. Doesn’t give them much time. They want to invite Locke’s father to the wedding. OK. Let’s pause for a second. The last time we saw Helen alive was when she told John that she would not marry him, in the parking lot of the motel, where John just dropped off a bag full of cash in helping his father with a con. We saw Helen’s gravesite, as John and Abaddon were visiting it just before Ben shot Abaddon and Locke drove off and got into a car accident, a few days prior to dying as Jeremy Bentham. Helen is alive, Ben is on good terms with his father, so how did Locke become paralyzed, as his father pushed him out an 8 story window to cause it in the previous timeline/loop? And if Locke’s father is not arguably a criminal at this point, are Sawyer’s parents alive? Helen finds Jack’s business card amongst Locke’s clothing. Helen wonders aloud what are the odds of running into a spinal surgeon, much like Ben said about Jack being on the plane the day after Ben was diagnosed with a spinal tumor. A much better rollercoaster than Locke’s Lift was the island tour we got from a smoke monster view, rollicking and rolling along, going up to the Barracks, and then retreating. Well, the reflection in the window didn’t exactly make the smoke monster look dark black, but it certainly wasn’t white. Locke did once describe seeing a white smoke monster on the island. But since we have never seen any proof of Jacob being able to do the cool sh!!t that MIB can, you have to assume that it’s MIB. Especially since it retreats to where he left piƱata Richard hanging from a tree. I’ve said it many times before, the Smoke Monster is my favorite character on the show. Even though it turns out that MIB is Smokie is Locke, I’m not changing my rooting interests. When MIB shape shifts, he can recreate clothes and a backpack. But a machete, he cannot carry for some reason, as he picks one up out of the grass to cut down Richard. I suppose we never have seen Smokie with a weapon in any previous manifestation, unless you count Dave throwing a comfortable shoe at Hurley. Must be part of the Book of Laws.

And the commercials this week On Demand are again for Alice in Wonderland and the Bruce Willis singlehandedly saves the world flop. Which flop? I can’t tell them apart. Swell. Just 24 more viewings of each commercial. John returns from his trip to the Tustin box company. Randy is playing a box company supervisor this week and likely to play a chicken shack supervisor next week, dam that kid is versatile. Randy peppers John with question and accusations as if he was married to Tiger Woods? You’re fired. Back in the jungle, MIB and Richard have a conversation. Condensed…
MIB: What I’ve always wanted, for you to be with me.
Richard: Why do you look like John Locke?
MIB: I knew he would get me access to Jacob. John’s a candidate….was.
Richard: A what?
MIB: He never said why? I’ll tell you everything.
A bit of a problem here. The Other Others seem to understand about candidates, as they received the list from Jacob and understood what the Losties were. Aldo and Justin in the jungle with Kate and Jin understood what the candidates were as Justin protested shooting Jin over this very reason. Ilana thought Frank might be a candidate, so they hijacked him to come over from the Hydra. Ben accused Widmore of breaking the rules back in Season 4, after Alex was murdered, rules most likely pertaining to candidates. Yet, here is Richard, the only bumble fock servant of Jacob on this island completely oblivious of “candidates”. How unrealistic is that? The man is black sees a child/manifestation in the clearing beyond Richard, perhaps 7 years old, with blood on his hands/arms. Somebody get this kid a tampon. Richard turns to look, but the child is gone. It’s not that Richard couldn’t see him, but in this show, people and things disappear rather quickly. MIB is a bit perplexed but leaves Richard behind and walks away. Who did MIB see? Let’s start with dispelling the nonsense that is was Aaron. Aaron has a big head. When you see Aaron’s profile, it’s the same image as a hot air balloon. This kid did not have a huge coconut. Aaron isn’t even on the island. If Walt had some ability to teleport his image, it was his same exact image, not a grown up, older image. Aaron is 3 years old right now. Not Aaron. So, what else? Could be a young Jacob, a reborn Jacob. But, he appeared to Hurley as himself, looking to be the same age, very recently. So far, we have zero evidence that Jacob can shape shift or become a smoke monster thus far. A possibility might be the island itself is manifesting itself. Think about it. MIB fears no candidates, is hostile to Jacob, who seems like a peer. Who the hell can rattle MIB’s cage? The island itself might be able to, asserting itself into the final game. Otherwise, who knows who the kid is at this point? Ben re-enters the foot, and Ilana is crying over either her fallen comrades, or the death of Jacob, or not getting a Vermont Teddy bear for Valentine’s day. Ben explains that Locke turned into a pillar of black smoke and killed these men. Ben continues to refer to MIB as “Locke” completely oblivious as to what has actually occurs, and no one is correcting him. Ben cops out for now and says that Locke killed Jacob too. This may or may not turn out to be significant at some point, but for now, Ben, MIB and Jacob are the only people who know Ben actually killed Jacob and not MIB. Ilana gathers up a couple of handfuls of Jacob’s ash and proclaims that MIB is recruiting. She is one the same wavelength as the Other Others in the Temple. It’s odd that Richard and Ben seem a bit in the dark over these developments. MIB goes back to the Barracks as Locke, amidst the blasting of Iggy and the Stooges through loudspeakers, and Sawyer is drinking his ass off. Sawyer tells MIB I thought you were dead. That’s a dedicated drunk, not letting the appearance of death interrupt hoisting another one.

Sawyer doesn’t want to be rude, so he pours a liter of whiskey for both himself and his uninvited guest. The drink sloshes around in MIB’s hand, which prompts him to taste the liquid on his fingers. Well, we saw MIB eat a mango, so we know he can consume stuff. Pantsless Sawyer moseys back over to his couch, and I swear on all things holy that he has a gigantic black smeared stain on the back of his boxers. Hey, now. I wasn’t looking at Sawyer’s ass. I couldn’t help but look at the obvious stain. Sawyer is modeling his “Oops, I crapped my pants” style. I suppose that is why MIB didn’t drink, as he feared he would sh!!t himself too. That’s must be some GOOD dam whiskey. Sawyer toasts and than tells MIB to beat it. A dawning realization comes over Sawyer. Hey, you’re not John Locke. So THAT’S how you can tell MIB is pretending to be somebody else. You need to be piss drunk. Shame on the Others for not figuring that out. Sawyer: John Locke was scared. I’m not so sure. Are you really being scared when you are stomping around an island like you are some kind of Colonel Kurtz, throwing knives into people’s backs and trying to allow some monster drag you off into some dark hole. Was this an early attempt by MIB to infect John, way back in season 1, the whole dragging thing when they went to get dynamite? MIB has seen enough of Sawyer’s front bulge and needs to think fast on his feet to convince him to put on some pants. After all, MIB doesn’t exactly strike me as being fruity. “I can tell you why you are on this island. I can show you”. There ya go. That did the trick. Time to put on some pants. Locke is exasperated by someone parking a van right next to his van. The nerve. And in a parking lot, no less. What will they think of next? Locke tries to damage the van with his mechanical lift, but it jams. Gee, the owner of van got lucky to not get a scratch. You’d think he was the luckiest guy in the world. Here’s Hurley.
From 6.2 LAX Part Two
In the background, Hurley is talking business, about expanding his franchises into Australia and the Tustin inventory report. Previously, on LOST, we found out that Hurley owned the box company in Tustin that Locke used to work for, and most likely currently works for. Kate jumps into the same cab as Claire, pulls out a gun, and tells the driver to go.

John throws a tantrum and insists that he can park anywhere he wants. Well, so can Hurley, so cram it up your cram hole. John explains that he was fired, and Hurley identifies Randi as a douche. That’s a little harsh. I enjoyed Randi giving Locke the business, and he was perfectly justified in canning the Colonel, if for no other reason to break up the lunch time game of Risk. Stupid Risk. Hurley gives John a contact at a temp agency to hook him up with a job. I miss crazy Hurley, who had to keep asking people if they were dead. This guy has his sh!!t together, and it’s annoying me. Nobody likes a winner. We find out what happened to the Others on the beach near the foot, as left for the Temple. Let’s see if they compare notes with the Other Others, something the Losties had a lot of trouble doing the first couple of seasons. Ilana guesses that Jin is probably there too. Wrong. Sun wants to bury John. Nice. If John comes back to life, it will have to be as a zombie pulling himself out of the grave. Cool visual. Don’t forget, Season 7 of LOST will feature nothing but zombies. We will permit Kate to be alive, as who could tell the difference? Sawyer tells MIB that everybody else is at the Temple. This Temple is apparently the place to be, the hot, swinging club in town. Sawyer fails to inform the big guy that Kate is most likely running around somewhere. Dam it. He should have narced her out. Sawyer and MIB see a kid standing near them. Oh, this is definitely young Jacob. No doubt about it. Not Aaron, not the island, but Jacob. His appearance, his demeanor. MIB chases Jacob through the jungle like a crazed con man chasing a floating bottle of whiskey. When MIB falls, Jacob turns to lecture him. “You know the rules, you can’t kill him”. A reference to Sawyer, letting the viewer know that this is not the episode Sawyer dies in. Locke’s old persona breaks through for a miraculously brief moment like sunshine in Seattle. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.” Not exactly “Luke, I am your father” but it was still dramatic. Or funny. It was definitely something. Jacob walks off while glaring.

Richard manages to find Sawyer, and I could swear that his sweating is making Richard’s eyeliner run a bit. “Let’s go to the Temple and find some booty.” Are the hip young kids still using the word “booty”? Sawyer is no wing man. The MIB has some answers and Sawyer is against all odds sober enough to follow him through the jungle. How the hell is Sawyer not staggering around and slurring his speech? I bet he would fail a sobriety test right now. But I guess the island is magical place where people heal and suffer no hangovers. Richard: No, he wants to kill you, he wants everybody dead, including your friends. It must be sad to go through life as a complete boob. I have lost all respect for Richard, who seemed like a cool cat for a long time. He knows NOTHING. Jacob told him squat, and in turn, Richard told Ben squat. Holy fockballs. How can Richard not know what candidates are? How can Richard not know that Sawyer is a candidate and can’t be harmed? While it’s true that MIB wants the candidates dead, he personally can’t kill them. Manipulation can kill the candidates. So, why does it seem that the Other Others know more than Richard. When Richard brought shot Ben to the Temple, I bet he simply handed him to Aldo and said “well, you guys know what to do, I’ll just be running along to get a scoop at the ice cream hatch”. Richard is weak and worthless. Locke goes to the temp agency, and is interviewed by the psychic that Hugo’s father hired to convince him that he wasn’t cursed. People continue to gravitate towards the Oceanic 815 in this flashsideways, but to be fair, I’m sure lots of things gravitate towards Hugo’s mass. Get it? That was a physics joke? Sigh. If you were to describe yourself as an animal, what would it be? Personally, I’d go with yeti. Are you a people person? Look, you gypsy b!tch, you want to read my palm? Because it’s going to leave an imprint on your face in about 5 seconds. Well, Locke didn’t say that, but he should have. The supervisor is Rose Nadler, so I guess she is still married to Bernard as her maiden name is Henderson. A game of I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours breaks out, and it is terminal cancer vs. crippled legs. These two are clearly the life of the party wherever they go. Rose tells Locke that she had accepted it, got past the denial, and wants to help John find a job he can do. Keep the lampshades away from these whacky nuts. Still, it’s a jarring contrast of John constantly saying don’t tell me what I can’t do vs. finding something he can do. Drop the negative and focus on the positive. Yuck. Being positive sucks. I’d rather run a grater over my genitals. Sawyer references Of Mice and Men for the second time in the series, the first being when Ben led Sawyer to the top of a rise on Hydra island and told him that there was nowhere to go if he tried to escape the polar bear cages again. Sawyer threatens to recreate the key scenario of the book by putting a bullet into MIB’s skull. Surprisingly to Sawyer, MIB tells him “Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?” MIB starts whining about being trapped, I forgot what it’s like to be free, I was once a man just like you, and that’s the truth. Apparently, MIB is married. It does draw into focus the concept of substitution, and that MIB wants to reclaim his once humanity. But if he were looking simply for a substitute, he already grabbed one in Locke. So, how does a black pillar of smoke escape being trapped? The really problematic part of the whole speech is that MIB has been off island. Who else was appearing as Libby to Michael? How about Christian appearing to Jack in the hospital? Smoke detector went off. Remember? It’s not about being physically trapped on the island. It’s about being trapped in a role, being the foil to Jacob’s jackassery. But he already grabbed Locke. Sloppy, writers, very sloppy.

What lies in the shadow of the statue? He who will save us all. Don’t forget this little tidbit from last season, because Locke’s dead body is still lying in the shadow. Well, until Ilana and Ben start to carry his carcass across the beach to a graveyard. Ilana explains that they needed to show who they were up against, namely MIB disguised as Locke. Now, he can’t change his appearance, he is stuck that way. Why? How the hell should I know? This guy has shape shifted from spiders to horses to dead people to living people. Yes, living, as in tall ghost Walt. Don’t assume it’s only dead people. He was Alex when Locke was looking for ropes under the Temple. Why is he stuck NOW? Is it because Jacob is dead now? John is tossed into the ground, and no one wants to give a eulogy. Even in death, Locke Dangerfield gets no respect. Ooh, somebody step on a duck? *Braaap* Ben finally sighs and steps up to the plate. John was a believer, a man of faith, a better man than I will ever be, I’m sorry I murdered him. You do realize that Ben was bragging about killing John. Frank calls it the weirdest funeral he’s ever seen. No, it’s the weirdest one because you are sober and lucid, Frank. Here is a man desperately in need of a pot brownie. An alarm clock rings, sounding exactly like the warning noise from the Swan hatch when the button wasn’t pressed soon enough, and Locke awakens. I am having a hard time looking at John without that scar above and below his eye. John calls Jack’s office and a secretary answers the phone. John is startled. Now, I am not claiming to be an expert at making a phone call, but some say I am very capable of performing this routine, everyday task. When I call a doctor’s office to make an appointment, I am not expecting to talk to the actual doctor. Doctor’s have things to do, like seeing patients, playing golf, and defrauding health insurance companies. I expect to talk to a secretary. John is stunned. Hey, I thought this was Jack’s number. I must have misdialed. John hangs up. John Locke is truly a candidate. For worst prank caller ever. So, how did John and Helen get engaged? In previous versions of LOST, we saw Helen meet John in a group therapy session, where John went off kilter from his father stealing his kidney. John is on good terms with the ‘ole man. So, no therapy, no daddy issues apparently, but John is paralyzed and engaged to Helen. What the fock is going on here? Screw it. I don’t want any more wasted time spent on the filler LAX timeline/reality. Just, get back to the goodness. Nothing interesting ever happens off the island. And when you take a look at my boring life, you’d swear to the same thing. Helen is sporting a Peace and Karma t-shirt. I found it much more interesting that there were literally hundreds of vases all over Locke’s and Helen’s love shack. A vase is vessel, and Locke’s body….ah, who cares? Symbolism aside, I was sickened by the decorating motif. Stop calling me fruity. John confesses that he was fired. Well, John really planned out this wedding thing. First, risk your life trying to go on a walkabout in a wheelchair, then get fired to make sure you have zero financial security. Right on schedule there, Johnny. John: Go ahead, open the just delivered luggage. When Helen took a peak, I was expecting to see the head of Gwyneth Paltrow. That’s right Helen, I’m Dexter. Don’t tell me what I can’t do. I’m a wheelchair serial killer. I always catch my prey. Bwhahahaha. Well, unless they go up some steps. Or a really steep hill. Or when it’s snowing. Then I’m focked. John explains that they wouldn’t let him go on the walkabout, and they were right. Wow. What a change in John’s basic principles. He’s become a quitter. I’m sick of what I can’t do. I can’t walk. There are no such things as miracles. John stops just short of proclaiming that there are no such things as islands and that he was the Duchess of Yorkshire Pudding. Helen is impressed, since she has always wanted to financially support a man that has given up on himself. They rip up Jack’s card. I think I need some air. OK, I’m back after a 5 minute breather to vomit and then start drinking. That doesn’t sound quite right. So, if John was able to walk on the island, how did it happen, short of a miracle. MIB hasn’t shown any ability to heal people. Neither has Jacob. Ben and Sayid were taken to the Temple to heal. When Locke fell and Jacob touched him, Locke was still busted up. So, how did Locke walk? The connection to the island? He thought he was special and the island was a place where miracles happened. Well, I guess it is a miracle place after all. Nothing that we have learned about Jacob and/or MIB has changed that. Sawyer is drunk ladder climbing, a brand new event in the tedious Winter Olymics, a global showcase of how much of an epic fail Canada is. Beep. Beep. Here comes the Faildozer. But it’s powered by green power. Even the faildozer breaks down. The ladder breaks, exactly how we’ve seen in the endless LOST promos that we have all seen over the last month or so. Call it a tremendously anticlimactic action sequence. Which is how you can describe nearly every scene in every movie starring John Travolta. MIB keeps Sawyer from falling, keeping a candidate alive. But MIB would not have been directly killing Sawyer. He could have let him fall. Yet, at this point, he must be more interested in recruiting than ending the list. Hey, it’s a cave. There is a balancing scale, with a white rock and a black rock. While you may still cling to some notion of Good vs. Evil, this show is nothing about that particular timeless battle. Besides, as the immortal Rick Moranis told us in Spaceballs, “Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.” MIB is an assh0le. Jacob is an assh0le. Hey, I’m not kidding about Jacob. He wanted to save Sayid by bringing him to the Temple. Hey, assh0le, Juliet is right over there. She is on the list (#55). She is a candidate. What, you’re through with her? She’s no longer worthy? Eliminated before the evening gown competition? So, you just let her die. How hard would it have been to grab Juliet along with Sayid and try to save both? But NOOOOOOOOO. Jacob simply let her die. Jacob allows a hell of a lot of people to die. This game better be important. Not like some kind of hockey game, because everybody knows hockey never matters. But this game between MIB and Jacob has cost a lot of people their lives. MIB picks up a white rock, and tosses it into the angry sea, my friend, like an old man trying to return soup in a deli. While MIB proclaims this to be Jacob’s cave, I find it an odd declaration. Jacob lived in the foot, and maybe at times in the cabin. When did Jacob ever live in this cave? Doesn’t it seem more likely like MIB’s lair. He knows his way around it quite well, knew what they would find when they got there. Hell, we’ve never seen where MIB actually lives, other than the vents in the Temple when Ben was “judged”. This is why you are here, and the walls are covered in names and numbers. Let’s see what we can identify.

2 - Lacombe (French guy)
4 - Locke (John)
8 - Reyes (Hugo)
10 - Mattingly (US Army)
15 - Ford (James)
16 - Jarrah (Sayid)
20 - Rousseau (Robert, Danielle, or Alex)
23 - Shephard (Jack or Christian)
29 – Brennan (French guy)
31 - Rutherford (Shannon)
33 – Martin (Karl)
42 - Kwon (Jin, Sun, or Ji Yeon)
49 - Eko (Mr. or Yemi, depending on what their last name was)
55 - Burke (Juliet)
64 - Goldstein
71 - Franetzki
90 – Troupe (Gary, Lostie)
115 - Bargas
117 - Linus (Roger, Ben, or Emily)
119 – Almieda
134 – Chang (Dr Pierre or wife Lara)
140 - Lewis (Charlotte or her parents David, Jeanette)
171 – Straume (Miles)
175 - Costa
195 - Pace (Charlie)
197 – Skeckler
202 - Harccus
221 - Carlyle (Boone)
222 - O'Toole
231 - Amistad
233 – Jones (US Army)
249 – Garner
251 – Yaris
272 – Oralinco
282 - Aguella
285 – Jenkins (Steve, Lostie)
291 - Domingo
313 - Littleton (Claire or Aaron)
317 - Cunningham (US Army)
321 – Fernandez (Nikki, Lostie)
335 – Henderson (Rose’s maiden name)
346 - Grant
761 - Faraday (Daniel)

?? - Aguila
?? - Goodspeed (Horace or Ethan or Olivia or Amy)
?? – Pickett (Danny or Colleen, Others)
?? - Reynolds
?? – Sullivan (Lostie)

Some random thoughts. No Kate Austen on the list, and I say the heavens be praised. Kate is a wishy washy colostomy bag, not a future ruler of an island. I wouldn’t put her in charge of a lemonade stand. And don’t give me the “she must be number 108” nonsense. Just because Jacob visits you doesn’t put you on the wall. Jacob visited Ilana. Is she on the wall? There is no #108 in the Valenzetti Equation.

The Valenzetti Equation is the mathematical equation developed by the reclusive Princeton University mathematician Enzo Valenzetti. Its creation was the result of efforts made following the Cuban Missile Crisis by the United States and the Soviet Union to find a solution to the hostility and danger of imminent global disaster created by the Cold War. The equation was secretly commissioned through the UN Security Council and is used to predict the time of human extinction. According to the 1975 orientation film in the Sri Lanka Videoo, the Valenzetti Equation "predicts the exact number of years and months until humanity extinguishes itself." During the video, Alvar Hansoo also states that the radio transmitter on the Island, will "broadcast the core numerical values of the Valenzetti Equation." The numbers, 4,8,15,16,23,42, are the numerical values to the core environmental and human factors of the Valenzetti Equation. Alvar Hanso also states in the video that the purpose of the DHARMA Initiativee is to change the numerical values of any one of the core factors in the equation in order to give humanity a chance to survive by, effectively, changing doomsday.

There is no guarantee of a number 108 here, people. We knew the numbers would be explained at some point, and the relevance to Jacob. To prevent doomsday through a key change. Who was crossing off the names in the cave, MIB or Jacob? If it was Jacob, how the hell did he cross off Juliet’s name, since she died after Jacob did? Oh, that’s because you don’t have to be dead to be crossed off. Miles is on the list, as is potentially Ben and Claire. So, you simply have to be eliminated from contention to be crossed off. Or dead. Because what kind of candidate are you if you are dead. Still, it was MIB that crosses off Locke’s name, not Jacob, so MIB is making the decision that Locke is no longer a Jacob substitute. Might be a mistake, as the whole show is Locke centric, Locke is a substitute, literally, in the dual reality, so maybe, just maybe Locke remains a candidate. Let’s face it, the names not crossed off are a sorry bunch of people. They actually left the island. MIB said that Locke was the only one that didn’t want to leave. Why is that any different now? Sayid is ready to die, Jack only wants Kate, Jin and Sun have a kid back home, Sawyer doesn’t give a rat’s piss about anything, and Hugo is inept. Locke is the only person from the beginning of the series that has shown any possible predisposition to be a protector or an island. He is the sole person worthy of such a role. Hugo? Please. Jack? Has the intelligence of a totem pole. Jack's main issue is that he is in love with Kate. Why did Jack try to blow up the island? He confessed to Sawyer that he lost Kate and he needed to reset things to get her back. Jack might care about people somewhat, but everything he does right now is motivated by his winning Kate back. Will that mean Jack becomes protector of the island solely for Kate? Maybe to save her life. But he will not do it for the island. Jack is also a doctor. He doesn't usually leave sick people behind, but he did at the Swan in 1977. He was so desperate to be given another chance with Kate, he left Sayid to die, hoping the bomb would reset things so as a side benefit Sayid could live. Now, he probably feels some guilt, and needs to fix Sayid because he neglected him because of his obsession with Kate. Jack wasn't going with Kate into the jungle from the Temple because he knew she was going chasing after Sawyer. He knows he hasn't won her back yet, so let Sawyer drive her away again back into Jack's arms, knowing how angry Sawyer was. Jack returned to the island because off island Kate didn't want anything to do with him anymore. He needed to get island Kate back. If a central theme with the candidates and the island and the battle between MIB and Jacob is Choice and Free Will, why would any of the remaining candidates WANT to stay and protect the island. These are very selfish people doing selfish things for selfish reasons. As far as the rules, when Ben accused Widmore of breaking the rules, it must have been against the rules for anyone to kill a candidate, in which case Alex would have been the Rousseau. So, why did young Charles want to kill Alex to begin with? Is Jacob is a savage murderer and simply kills off people when they are deemed unworthy. Like the Purge. Ben repeatedly tried to break the rules. He ordered the death of all non females on the beach at the end of Season 3. Ben blew up the freighter with candidates on it. Ben killed Locke. Ben orchestrated the Purge. Was this done at Ben’s request or Jacob’s request through Richard, as Ben never talked to Jacob before he killed him. Ethan tried to kill Charlie, another candidate. Goodwin talked highly about Ana Lucia as potentially being a candidate, but it’s probably not the same thing. Some names are crossed off none at all, some once, some multiple times. These could possibly signify how many times these people died in previous tests, which would be previous iterations in loops. And when you show the ability to fail, in other words die, then you probably aren’t a good candidate. But there are still inconsistencies. MIB killed Mr Eko. He should not have been able to. The Temple Others were really, really careless trying to kill the Losties without knowing who they were.

Back to the show. John is now a substitute teacher running a gym class full of students that are running, and teaching teenagers about the birds and the bees. As Locke wheels himself into the teacher’s lounge, lo and behold, if it isn’t Ben Linus!! And he’s acting like a total ass. Happy days are here again. Fear not, I shall make a fresh pot of coffee. I’m Ben Linus, and I teach European history. My hero. I feel like a teenage girl watching American Idol. That last sentence just gave my goose bumps and no doubt nightmares for the foreseeable future. I feel chilly from the goose bumps. As Sawyer peers at the cave walls covered in names and scratch outs, MIB tries to explain some stuff. This was Jacob’s cave, which is dubious to me. He died yesterday. Jacob had a thing for numbers. You met him at some point in your life. Most likely when you were vulnerable or miserable. He manipulated you, pushed you into choices, pushed you towards the island, because you are a candidate. Well, to be fair, Jacob and MIB both are/were doing the same thing. Manipulating people for their own benefit. MIB: Jacob thought he was the protector of this place, and you’ve been nominated for the job. This really sucks if you don’t want the job. Let some illegal alien have the job, I’ll just kick back and drink Budweisers for the next two years while the government pays me to sit at home and watch daytime judge shows. There are three choices:
- Do nothing and see how it plays out
- Accept the job, protect the island from nothing, it’s just a dam island, Jacob wasted lives
- We just go and get off the island, together, sort of like eloping
Sawyer likes option #3. So, the MIB has been off the island before, but needs Sawyer to go with him? This makes no sense. Also, MIB was really selling how dumb #2 was. Overselling. Sawyer, a con man, must have seen that. Sawyer is probably trying to figure out how to con MIB. Of course, #1 is the best option. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to take a #2, if you know what I mean, so that will wrap up this weeks nonsense from this focking moron.

Friday, February 12, 2010

6.3 What Kate Does

So, you are standing on a sidewalk, and a man with a horse comes clippety-clopping up to where you are standing. The man dismounts, and ties his horse to a light pole, and saunters into the local diner. Since you have nothing better to do, you watch the horse. Slowly, ever so slowly, a nice steaming sh!!t falls out of the horse’s ass and plops down on the sidewalk. You look at the horse, you look at the fecal matter, and you feel sad and uncomfortable. The aroma starts to waft in your direction. Your curiosity gets the best of you. You mosey up to the poo to get a closer look. Much to your amazement, there is some writing on the fresh horse sh!!t. It says “What Kate Does”. Now, I could have summarized the prior long winded description into “last night’s episode was a pile of steaming horse sh!!t” but I wanted to pay homage to the people responsible for last night’s debacle and demonstrate what the fock “filler” means. Sure, this episode ranks among the worst in LOST history, and by some strange coincidence most of these turds are Kate-centric. Why, oh why must these people insist that this horrible character must be important to the overall plot. The whole episode was full of horrible acting, stupid plot premises, lack of advancing story lines, ridiculous actions taken by characters. Really, with what we learned, we could have seen in three minutes and spent 57 minutes watching commercials. Same exact thing. I wasted 3 hours of my life watching and re-watching this crap while snow piled up all around me. For focks sake, I only watched it drunk twice. The other time, I had to make sure it was as bad as I thought. Do you how enraging it is to watch something this bad at 5:00 in the morning, sober? I needed to keep hitting pause and pace to cleanse my pallet before going back. All work and no beer make Homer go crazy. On a scale of 1 to 10, this episode was a zero. I’d have been happier with 1 minute of Dogen spinning a stupid baseball and 59 minutes of commercials. It’s the last dam season, and only a handful of episodes are left. And you are really going to present that hot garbage to us?

Sadly, Iron Chef and John Lennon monikers are no more. Instead I am going to refer to them by their now revealed names: Dogen and Lennon. Lennon? My prognosticating skills grow stronger. Lennon interrupts Dogen’s hunting and pecking attempts on what I assume is a brand new IPad. Those Others are fashionably keeping up with the times, never mind their 6,000 year old hand me down sack cloths and not showering for decades at a time. Sayid’s alive. I swear, I was expecting Dogen to lift his face and stroke his nonexistent beard, since it was so reminiscent of the Master in Kill Bill Volume 2. This guy needs a nice long distinguished beard like Evangeline Lilly needs an acting coach. So, while Sayid is alive, Sawyer is grumbling about torturers and child killers get second chances, and of course left unsaid was that Juliet didn’t. Well, who buried her, stupid? But he is looking to escape. Swell. A Kate centered episode, and a character is talking about escaping. Gee, I wonder where this story is headed? Why the rush to escape anyway. Take a load off and grieve for a bit. Are you so worried about the polar cages that you have to take off before you know why you are there in the first place? Kate is telling the cab driver to take off. She sees Jack and stares at him. She must be wondering if she should return his pen. Dr Artz has dropped his luggage, and Kate is having none of that. Run him over. Kill. Kill. Kill. She continually brandishes her gun, diabolically and skillfully preventing anyone from escaping. Well, at least until the first red light, when the cab driver takes off. Kate’s prison break and car jacking then devolves into stealing pregnant Claire’s purse and luggage and throwing her out of the cab. Kate is racking up the crime points like a seasoned player of Grand Theft Auto. The Losties are explaining to Sayid that they’ve been captured by the Others, and Miles calls Hurley the leader. Um, I can’t think of any scenario scarier than that, other than Jack being the leader. No worries, Hurley is impeached 5 seconds later. Sayid’s wound is healing faster than a cripple at a religious tent revival. A brawl with the Others starts up, and Sawyer pulls out a gun. This is the second straight episode where a fight almost happens, and almost just doesn’t cut the mustard. Sawyer escapes. “Don’t come after me”. This statement has the same effect of somebody in a scary movie saying “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” Five minutes later, their severed head comes rolling back and bumps into your feet like a soccer ball. I hope they wait at least a commercial break or two until someone goes after him. It would just be too simplistically obvious to do it right away.

Kate decides that she is going after Sawyer, with Jin, Justin, and our old buddy Aldo. Aldo was the guard at the brainwashing cabin that Kate and Sawyer broke Karl out of on Hydra island back in Season 3, with the help of Alex. Aldo has the distinction of falling for the Wookie Prisoner Gag. More importantly, I just wanted to see Charlie, Sweet Dee, Dennis, and Frank go on the rescue mission too. Kate: I can be very convincing if I have to. Abe Vigoda staring you in the eyes and saying “I’m 24 years old and have never used Viagra in my life” is more convincing that anything Kate has ever mumbled. But, the Others allow her to leave, as they did with Sawyer. The episode seemed centered about choices and free will, but don’t forget Sawyer and Miles were captured and brought to the Temple against their will. Jack and his group were willingly headed to the Temple. Still, Sawyer, no choice. But they have a choice in leaving? What about the “shoot them” from last episode. What a mess. Kate stumbles into a car repair place, threatens a grease monkey with a gun, and demands a tire hammer. Why try to be convincing when you have a gun? She offered the guy 200 bucks, and after the use of a punch press, Kate is free to go to the bathroom and try to search for some humanity for once. As she leafs through pictures of pregnant Claire and baby stuff, including a killer whale stuffed doll that Aaron owned in Season 4 in his room at Kate’s home, she realized that Claire must have been pregnant and not smuggling watermelons from Australia under her shirt. Kate is so self absorbed, she seriously did not notice Claire was 8 months pregnant? What the fock? Kate comes up with a master plan with Jack: I’ll take care of James, you take care of Sayid. What are the odds that neither is successful? Oh, that’s right. It’s Jack and Kate. Sayid is escorted to a torture session. Now, this was eerily similar to when Sayid was being tortured by Danielle back in Season 1 in the bunker after he was captured following the cable from the beach into the jungle. Dogen blows a cloud of dust/ash over Sayid. I can only think that since the MIB has problems with ash, this was some kind of test to see if Sayid was in fact MIB. Ok, ok, let’s talk about this thing. On the enhanced episode that aired this week, the subtitles say that MIB is Smokie. They are one and the same. Fine. Despite all logic that I presented why this was dubious, I will suspend my reason and logic and accept this “answer”. I realize the writers are running out of time, and need to wrap up plot points, no matter how ridiculous they may be, and despite this episode was a waste of time. So….every time we saw a manifestation on the island and probably off the island, it was Smokie. Christian, Charlie, Walt, Libby, Ana Lucia, Dave, the black horse, spiders, Horace Goodspeed, Ben’s mother, Yemi, Boone, Claire, polar bears, etc. Hell, MIB could have manifested as Jacob and visited Hurley to tell him to rescue Sayid. I mean, MIB can apparently be in multiple places at once, so why not. Idiot writers. They zap Sayid with electricity and then brand him with a hot poker. I wasn’t clear as to the specifics of these tests, other than to see if he can feel pain. I suppose you can hear a certain crackling as the Smoke Monster appears which may have elements of electricity. You passed the test. Sh!!t. I’d hate to see failing it.

In a completely ludicrous situation, Kate returns for Claire. Yeah, I understand that you are trying to show Kate in a different light, that she is not simply a selfish criminally predisposed monster. But Claire is just sitting there waiting for a bus, a bus near an airport that apparently makes one trip every other day. Instead of trying to call for help or trying to waddle away from the handcuffed car jacked, Claire has a polite conversation with Kate. K: I didn’t take your money. Then where did the 200 bucks you promised the press punch guy come from? The marshal allowed you to carry around spending money? A family was to meet Claire at the airport, but never showed up. Because, when you are desperate to get your hands on a baby, you will fail to keep such an appointment. But I know how that is. Sometimes I miss a dentist appointment, but I usually try to reschedule. Claire accepts a ride with Kate. How ridiculous was that? I don’t care if memories and scenarios are starting to bleed between the dual realities. How do you accept that ride? And if it’s because you remember Kate from the past, do you not know that Kate held your baby hostage? Kate might be trying to do her first unselfish thing in 6 seasons, but Claire is a complete mark, a rube, a patsy. Not to mention the acting between these two is worse than you would see at a kindergarten Christmas play. Just nothing. No chemistry. No believability. Nothing. This scene made me more sad than angry. Well, sad was at about the same level as angry. Just mailing it in. Aldo tells Kate and Jin that the Others are protecting them from the black smoke, basically MIB. Idiot writers. Jin asks about another plane landing, and when Justin was going to answer, Aldo told him to shut up. Justin came close to saying some important, significant stuff several times this episode, but kept being told to stuff it by Aldo. The frustration keeps building up in a viewer. This whole episode was on the verge of telling us important stuff, but instead chose to wallow in mud until the last 10 seconds. I get it. You want to give us a twist ending every week. I’d rather you just tell a story instead of setting up a “Gotcha”. A handful of episodes left, and you are playing games. Kate points out a decoy trail and says they should head another way. How does she know? Experience. And the Others that have lived on the island for some time and probably have an inking of how to track and hide tracks. Yet, Kate is better at it. Right. What have we here? A Rousseau booby trap? Justin: You mean the French woman? She’s been dead for years. Aldo gets Justin to shut up again. Being that Rousseau was killed by Keamy’s men, does 3 years qualify as a long time, or was Rousseau killed 16 years ago when she first came to the island as instructed by Widmore. We can’t assume that everything is the same in 2007 as the Losties left them in 2004. We’ve only seen the MIB and Ben and Richard group on the beach. Who knows what has been happening on the island the last 3 years. I was pointing out changes last season in the Locke subplot, how the main island processing center still had Dharma logos and photos, and the dock was much more disheveled than it should have been. Actions from the past have led to changes in the future. We don’t really know when Rousseau died anymore. Or maybe we are looping still, but with two loops in dual realities. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. But it seems that no matter how the circumstances start out, like the LAX reality, the characters continue to gravitate towards each other. It’s as if no matter how things start out, it will always end the same, except for the loophole that Jacob is looking for. Sigh. I still need information to make a reasonably logic assumption on what is happening this season in relation to seasons one to five. Kate knocks out Aldo and Justin gets clobbered with some rocks. Kate escapes. Again. Sayid explains that he was tortured, but wasn’t asked any questions. Jack is in a huff and goes to talk to Dogen. Your friend is sick, infected. We’ve heard “infection” several times in the past. Rousseau told the story of how her entire team got sick and she killed them all. And we saw that scenario play out during the time jumps. But Rousseau may have become infected herself, but we can’t really prove it. She simply wandered the jungle for 16 years, setting traps, hiding. Ethan needed to give medicine to Claire to keep her baby safe. Desmond would inject himself with some sort of a vaccine to keep from getting ill in the Swan hatch. Charlie gave Claire some type of injection kit on the beach in Season 2. Juliet was dispensing some medicine in Season 3 and 4, but Claire got sick due to an implanted chip from the Others. Hell, what about that implanted chip? Could that have malfunctioned? I am not sure how many scenarios are related to the island infection, but the theme keeps coming up. Dogen gives a pill to Jack. Sayid needs to take it willingly. Seems like the theme of choice and free will is coming up more and more this season, a point of contention between Jacob and MIB. The Others at times live by a creed that the other person must want to do something, therefore Ben is a master manipulator. He needs to convince people to make choices to do something Ben wants them to do. Dogen is trying to convince Jack that he wants Sayid to willingly take the pill. Dogen confronts Jack with his own words, that it was Jack’s fault that Sayid got hurt. Personal responsibility. Jack caused the problem, so he needs to fix it. To be fair, it’s silly to blame Jack for Sayid being shot, other than it Jack’s idea to finish Daniel’s plan. There was plenty of blame to go around. But Jack accepted it, so tough sh!!t. Dogen: there were others that got hurt or died helping you, here is a chance to redeem yourself, it is medicine, or the infection will spread. Dogen is talking to a doctor. He won’t tell him what ingredients are in the pill, won’t describe what disease or infection Sayid has, guilts Jack about the past, and Jack says OK. Holy smokes. This episodes sucks beyond belief. It’s not just Kate sucking it up. Jack too. I’m reminded of a running theme in X Files of the black oil, an alien substance that was able to infect the host as it flowed into a human’s system. A warring alien race was fighting the black oil, and one form of protection was to sew close any orifices where the oil could enter their bodies, such as eyes, mouth, ears, nose, etc. Sayid had an open wound in his chest. This most likely was the entry point for the infection from MIB. To conclude, it was a difficult process to extract the oil and keep the person alive.

Sayid insists that he is not a zombie. But if he was, he’d starve with the collection of numbskulls that are the Losties. Jack: I didn’t save your life, I didn’t fix you. This is odd dialogue, considering that is exactly what Jack is always trying to do, on the operating table and off. He fixed his ex-wife. Those were the key words. “I’m going to fix you.” Now, right now, on this island, he is talking the opposite. So very odd. Sayid says he trusts Jack. So, let me try to understand this. Why does Sayid have this infection? Is it that anyone that dies on the island, MIB can claim them for his side? Was this true before Jacob died? Locke died off the island, but MIB claimed him I guess. Does this mean MIB has claimed Christian and Boone and Paulo too? There will be some kind of upcoming battle, as Widmore warned us last season during the Locke death episode. Jacob and MIB are dividing up the people. And screw Jacob. He pretends to care about the characters, who are living horrible existences off the island and on the island, seeing people around them die, seeing themselves dying horrific deaths. It is all for this stupid competition with MIB? Jin wants to find Sun. J: Who do you care about Kate? This reminded me of the conversation Kate had with off island Locke, when she scoffed at John about coming back to the island. She told John that he never loved anyone. Jin: You find Sawyer, then what? Kate: I guess we will figure it out together. Are you serious? Let the guy grieve for a couple of hours. Your crazy ass is imagining you and Sawyer as a couple still. Claire arrives at the adoptive parent’s house. She wants car jacking Kate to come with her instead of saying thanks for the ride and beat it. I never knew the Stockholm Syndrome can take effect in 2 minutes, as Claire has been fawning over Kate since then. My husband left me. Oh, so you let a pregnant woman fly across the world and let her get all the way to your house before you decided to tell her you didn’t want her kid? So completely unrealistic. I’m glad your husband left you, dummy. Claire’s baby is coming. Kate returns to the Barracks and watches Sawyer pull up floorboards. Kate: I was worried about you. Sawyer doesn’t look at her and simply walks past her. FACE.

Claire is in the hospital, and Ethan Goodspeed, offspring of Horace and Amy, is looking less creepy as he attends to Claire. This sucks, because Creepy Ethan was great. He doesn’t want to stick needles into Claire if he doesn’t need to. Another opposite scenario from what happened on the island, specifically at the caves and the medical hatch in Season One. Claire isn’t ready, and the baby flatlines. Claire says “Is Aaron OK?” and the baby is alive and kicking again. What the fock? Would the kid have died if Claire didn’t name him? We get a glimpse at an ultrasound, but the remarkable thing is that it is dated 10/22/04. If you recall, Oceanic 815 crashed on 9/22/2004. Yet, in this supposed “what would happen if they never crashed” reality, we are a month into the future. Further supporting evidence of loops, and they are still happening. Multiple loops being cut and pasted and presented to us on a weekly basis. Which brings into question flashforwards and flashbacks and whether they even occurred in the same time frame as we were led to believe. The loops are still in play. I just need to reconcile loose bits to the overall theory, and take a shot of guessing the ending of the series. But this many questionable scenarios of physical and verbal inconsistencies cannot be explained any other way. Well, they could be. Afterall, despite strong contrary evidence MIB is the Smoke monster simply because the writers said it was true. Idiot writers. Sawyer is sitting on a pier, crying. Craving attention, Kate comes over and sits beside him. Since Sawyer doesn’t say anything, Kate plows ahead, ignoring Sawyer’s tears. I. I. I. Me. Me. Me. K: I need to find Claire, you could help me find her, bring her to Aaron, I never should have followed you. Sawyer responds to the only part of that speech that wasn’t bullsh!!t. Sawyer: Which time? Kate still doesn’t get it. K: I’m sorry. For Juliet. S: It’s not your fault she’s dead. I talked her into staying, I didn’t want to be alone, Some of us are meant to be alone, I was going to ask her to marry me. Sawyer takes a ring out and tosses it into the water, much like Desmond did with Penny’s ring back in Season 3. Sawyer tells Kate to go back to the Temple, and walks off. Then, and only then does Kate start to cry. It was because she followed Sawyer and Sawyer told her to beat it, sister. Kate is feeling sorry for herself. Again. I understand that she was chosen for a purpose. Sayid is the assassin. Kate is the escape artist, with her amazing ability to generate unbelievable luck in escaping from Marshal Pinhead. Dogen is spinning a baseball. Wheee!!!! He explains to Jack that he uses a translator to keep a separation from his people because of some of the decisions he has to make for them. The reality is that it takes twice as long for him to make a speech and getting it translated, filling up air time, creating filler for uncreative douchebags that can’t figure out how to put together an interesting 40 minutes of TV every week. Sure, you can have clunkers. But not episodes that are utter failures. Kate’s trial in the future, Jack’s tattoo, etc. Dogen explains to Jack that they were all brought here to the island. Jack is stupefied. Dogen: you know exactly what I mean. Trust me, Dogen. Jack is a dummy and has no idea who Jacob is. Sadly, the writers had a chance to waste another 10 minutes by having Dogen explain to Jack who Jacob is, but they didn’t take advantage. Jack still wants to know what is in the pill. Dogen: You have to trust me. Jack swallows the pill before Dogen beats it out of him. It’s poison. However, it might be poison to Jack, but it may not be to Sayid. It could be a cure, or yet another test to see if Sayid can ingest poison and live, a formidable foe that can’t be killed. Or it’s just poison.

Cops visit Claire at the hospital, after finding the cab outside that Kate left out front, and Dr Artz had said that he got the license plate number earlier. The cops ask Claire some questions, Claire lies, they fail to search the room properly, and inexplicably leave. Cops are not this dumb. Sheesh. Claire continues to become best friends with the woman that threatened to shoot her this afternoon. In Claire’s household, not only is accepting candy from strangers going to be allowed, it will be encouraged. Claire: What did you do? Reality is that I could list about 100 crimes Kate has committed on just this day. Kate: Would you believe I’m innocent? What kind of moron would say yes? Claire: Yes. Here, take my credit card. Sure, I’m all alone in a foreign country with a baby ready to pop out, but take my last dollar. Kate eagerly accepts. Claire on Aaron: I don’t know why I said it. I just knew it or something. Realities bleeding together at weak spots. Dogen to Jack: We believe he has been claimed, darkness growing in him, when it reaches his heart, he will be gone, it happened to your sister. Jack’s half sister is Claire. Don’t look now, but a darkness sure as hell is growing in Sawyer. Maybe the rock to the head killed him. Sawyer will be on Team MIB soon. Sayid died to be claimed, right? So, if Claire was claimed, that means she died back in Season 4 during the Keamy missile attack. She wandered off into the jungle, and wasn’t seen again. Aldo and Justin capture Jin. Aldo: where is that b!tch? I could not have said it better myself. Aldo wants to kill Jin, but is stalled by Justin. “We can’t. He may be one of “them””. Them being the people chosen by Jacob, the variables, the people on his list. Jin steps into a bear trap trying to escape. Claire shoots Aldo and Justin. Claire is looking a lot like Rousseau did. So, has she been wandering the island since 2004, the past 3 years, not time traveling, but setting traps and acting crazy, looking for her missing son? And why shoot Aldo and Justin, but not Jin?

This was a lackluster effort on my part. I just wasn’t feeling it for this write-up. This awful episode just didn’t offer up much inspiration. I’ll try again next week

Monday, February 8, 2010

6.2 LA X: Part Two

As I was wading through the replay of the two season opening episodes on the On Demand option on Comcast cable, I was harshly reminded of the perils of rewatching episodes of this show and being at the mercy of programming. The commercials. It’s not that there are many commercials, much fewer than the original LOST broadcasts on ABC. But it’s the same focking commercials, over and over and over again. The loops are out to get me. Apparently, there is some stupid romantic comedy, When in Rome, for which I saw no less than 30 commercials for in a span of an hour and a half. I want nothing more than to have these people gathered in a wedding hall, dancing and laughing and partying and having their inane conversations. Little do they know that a tractor trailer is speeding down the road, and the driver is so busy texting pictures of his genitals to some waitress he met the other day, and promptly loses control of the vehicle. The gasoline truck plows right into the wedding reception, killing hundreds, wounding everybody else. The rest of the movie is a clinical exercise in putting out the fire, identifying bodies and random appendages, leading to autopsies and many, many burial services.

Hurley has taken off his Dharma pajamas and is sporting a very red shirt. Oh, oh. You know what that means. Hurley is probably going to die soon. I say probably, because Cuse and Lindelof promised that Hurley would never be killed during the series. But I don’t trust them entirely, like the MIB. Most of the Losties have now cast aside their Dharma gear. Sawyer has made up his mind to bury Juliet, and when Kate offers her assistance, Sawyer tells her to beat it and that he no intention of following them afterwards and still manages to mix in a pissed off stare at Jack. Sawyer has finally had enough crap from Jack and Kate. As Sayid is taken to the Temple wall, I have to wonder how a structure so big, surrounding a sizable piece of land, was not discovered or known about by anyone but Jin or Rousseau, outside of the Others. I mean, the island isn’t that big where after months of wandering around, you would think somebody would have accidently found the Temple walls and wondered what it could be. Same goes for Dharma. They must have known about the Temple. I guess this had to be part of their truce agreement with the Others, that the Temple was off limits. They enter the tunnels, and find Montand of the Frenchies, still missing an arm. Did Ben notice this guy when they went into the tunnels earlier? Probably didn’t care. They carefully maneuver around the Ben hole, hear whispers, and Kate Jack Hurley Jin Sayid are captured. So, the Others, sworn followers of Jacob, are sharing the same tunnel as the Smoke Monster, which may or may not be MIB. How does this make sense?

The marshal escorts Kate to the bathroom. Of course, Kate starts to use her stolen Jack pen to try to free herself from the handcuffs. The marshal inexplicably chooses this moment to ignore his prisoner, one that has escaped his clutches time and time again, has called him on the phone to mock him, a very prized prisoner that the marshal has been obsessed with. He turns to wash his face, in effect turning his back to the prisoner. He makes no effort to take a few steps back to see if Kate is actually using the toilet by seeing her pants around her ankles, which would be difficult to pull down and pull up in handcuffs to begin with. Nope, the marshal is oblivious. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention him in the last episode diatribe that he is dead on the island and alive on the plane now, which is unexpected. Finally, when marshal dumdum realizes something fishy is going on after stepping on a pen spring, he draws his gun. Um, no. Well, he at least gets out of the way of a possible swinging door to confront his prisoner. Um, no. He actually put his head up against the stall door. This is the most idiotic officer of the law I’ve ever seen. Roscoe P Coltrane could teach you a few lessons. As Kate kicks open the door and knocks out marshal pudding for brains, I groan. Kate is going to run again, and I just want her to run in front of a tractor trailer. Sawyer gives Kate a bit of an assist in the elevator in avoiding security. One crook helping another crook. Juliet is buried, and Sawyer demands Miles to do his ghost whispering thing. Sawyer wants to be helpful, so he throws Miles face first onto the grave. I have no idea why Miles says “it doesn’t work that way” other than for dramatic effect. Of course it works that way. We’ve seen Miles talk to Naomi, Karl, Rousseau and many others after they recently passed away. If you recall….
Season Six Preview: A Look Back on Season Five Part Two
“My best guess is that Miles and Smokie have similar abilities.”
This was a reference to Miles’ ability to read the minds of the dead, scanning their memories and thoughts. Smokie is able to scan the minds of the dead too, as it is able to manifest itself to mirror the thoughts and mannerisms of such characters. Although Miles can’t manifest, as far as we know, when Miles is trying to read Juliet’s dead mind, we can hear a very distinct yet very quick burst of noise that is exactly the same as Smokie makes when it appears. A clacking or mechanical whirring noise, something ratcheting up, and Miles suddenly is able to listen to Juliet. “It worked!!” Sawyer: what worked? Well, what Sawyer fails to realize is among the very first things Juliet said after Sawyer reached her in the Swan ditch is “it didn’t work”. Here, Juliet is directly contradicting that conclusion. The lingering questions are how did Juliet conclude “it worked” before dying, as this was the important thing she was trying to tell Sawyer. Has she crossed over into some other plane of existence where she is alive and well and more than happy to dispense nuggets like this to cheer up Sawyer, which it didn’t. Sawyer is too full of rage to recognize what just happened. The Other Others take the tunnel explorers through what appears to be shoddy cellar doors and bring them into the presence of The Temple. Sure, I could go off on a riff about how awful Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom movie was, because it did suck ass. But instead, let’s focus on something I’ve been ranting like a lunatic about for 3 or 4 years now. There was no way Ben’s Others could have kidnapped Tailies on the first night on the island. Goodwin had yet to compile his list. Therefore, I’ve been convinced of Other Others on the island, people working independent of the Others. And here they are, semi independent, the hardcore Other Others, staunch followers of Jacob. But this isn’t the first time we’ve seen them. When Jin and Mr Eko were hiding in the bushes in Season Two, these dirty, barefoot ragamuffins walked by, dragging a teddy bear behind them. When the ridiculous Jack tattoo episode was careening out of control and finding it’s way into my Hate Locker, some of these folks showed up for Juliet’s trial for shooting Pickett and allowing Kate and Sawyer escape the Hydra island. But Cindy and the kids looked cleaned up and downright spiffy. Not now. They look worse than homeless.

Jack is called to the courtesy desk. Not only did Christian’s coffin not make it onto the plane, the airline has no idea where it is. It’s simple competence like this that instills confidence in passengers that any terrorist with a bomb will get caught every time and there is no threat of your plane ever exploding. I suppose Christian didn’t make the reset, like Shannon and the rest that are missing. Neither MIB nor Jacob need Christian anymore; his usefulness is gone. Hurley, Jack, Kate, Sayid, Jin are confronted by two people for which we have no names. It’s bad enough I have to type Man in Black, but know I have to figure out what to call these two clowns for now. Fine. Iron Chef and John Lennon. Cindy vouches for the prisoners, saying they were on the first plane with her. Now, by “first” plane, is Cindy referring to Oceanic 815 and Ajira 316 as two planes that reached the island although Ajira is technically on Hydra island, or the first Oceanic loop and that they were on the first iteration? Iron Chef says to shoot them. Well, these Others are a bunch of thugs with a debilitating lack of imagination. When Ben told Alex, Karl, and Rousseau to head to the Temple, he knew they would kill Karl and Danielle. But Ben was also right in saying it was the last safe place left on the island for Alex. But, does this mean that Ben could boss around Iron Chef? The Chef can understand English, but doesn’t speak it. He uses John Lennon to translate. What a stupid plot point. Hurley name drops Jacob and then brings out the guitar case for show and tell. Inside is a rather large wooden Ankh, a symbol of key to life or eternal life in ancient Egyptian culture. The Iron Chef instinctively raises his hand to touch the Ankh necklace he has around his neck. He cracks the guitar case symbol open, and there is a paper within, a name list. The prisoners rattle off their names as if they were at a meet and greet. If your friend Sayid dies, we are all in a lot of trouble.

Jin is held up in customs with a watch and a huge wad of cash. Maybe, just maybe, Jin was planning on leaving Sun, a twist from what happened last time. Nah. You have to assume the back stories are still somewhat consistent, but once on the plane, all bets are off. Thus far, Hurley being lucky is the only significant change that I’ve seen from the characters. Sun has a chance to save Jin a boatload of problems by speaking some English. Although the Sun we’ve come to know would be able to handle such a situation without batting an eye, this unveil version of Sun is still hesitating in trying to destroy Jin’s life completely. They are inside the Temple. The spring water is looking murky. Murky from being red. Red, most likely due to the death of Jacob, and his blood is flowing through this facsimile to the Holy Grail, a healer of all physical human maladies. The Iron Chef cuts his hand, dips it into the water, and is surprised to see that his hand did not heal. Well, as surprised as that guy gets, because he doesn’t seem to change his expression much. It fluctuates between distain, disgust, and snarky. Jack takes the blame for Sayid’s condition. Jack has certainly been humble and apologetic lately. Considering how much he has bungled so far, he has a lot more of the same in the future. There are risks. Jack: no problem. They remove the Dharma wear from Sayid, wasting precious seconds for a befuddling wardrobe adjustment. Still, not as bad as the Losties wasting an hour trying to rescue Juliet while Sayid was bleeding out. The Others hold Sayid under water while using an egg timer so that they could know exactly the moment when he was cooked. He is a chef, after all. He can also kick some ass as he easily deflects Jack’s attempt to do some brawling. Sayid drowns, and is carried out of the water in a pose similar to Jesus Christ on the cross. Which is a foreshadowing of a resurrection. Jack is not willing to simply accept that Sayid is dead, and recreates the Charlie hanging scene. When they cut down Charlie in Season One, Jack was giving CPR for a while and then started clobbering Charlie on the chest, caving in all his ribs and collapsing every internal organ while trying to get his heart beating. Kate told him to stop, but Jack kept going. So, now Jack is giving Sayid CPR, Kate tells him to stop, and Jack…stops. Well, that ended up a bit different.

Kate is making her escape to the cab stand, but Neil “Frogurt” yells at her and tells her that there is a line. Geez, Neil has gotten more exposure in this episode than in the entire series up to this point. All he was known for was yelling at Bernard after a time jump and then getting hit in the chest with a flaming arrow. In the background, Hurley is talking business, about expanding his franchises into Australia and the Tustin inventory report. Previously, on LOST, we found out that Hurley owned the box company in Tustin that Locke used to work for, and most likely currently works for. Kate jumps into the same cab as Claire, pulls out a gun, and tells the driver to go. I didn’t notice whether Claire was 8 months pregnant or not, as the camera never panned down below her neck, but if she is, then Kate just can’t stop herself from kidnapping Aaron every chance she gets. Cindy and the two brats from the Tail section Zack and Emma bring some gruel for Jack Twist and the rest of the orphans. Sawyer and Miles are added to the mix, as they were captured by the Others, but not until Sawyer took out 4 of them and then get bashed in the head with a rock. Considering how well the Others are in sneaking around and grabbing people, taking out that many is fairly impressive. Sawyer has turned his insanity into productive powers. Hurley gains an exclusive interview with the bonsai trimming Iron Chef.
We get it. He’s Japanese. I suppose we will be seeing some sushi and origami any moment now for even more reinforcement. IC: what did Jacob tell you? H: he told me to come here, save Sayid. The less than humble Iron Chef apparently doesn’t like the taste of English on his tongue. Well, Mr Self Important, Hurley is going to put you in your place. H: Jacob’s dead. Panic in the streets. Get to your posts. Pour ash around the Temple. Send a rocket warning. Steal a TV from Best Buy. Grab a tub full of Heinekens. Set a cop car on fire. Take a pillow, put it over the face of your buddy until he stops breathing, toss a sink out the window, and escape the facility. There’s a tiger in the bathroom and Mike Tyson isn’t going to like that at all. It’s to keep “him” out, and by him they mean MIB. Ben has some questions for the MIB. What are you? You’re the monster? You used me to kill Jacob? This puts Ben in an awkward position, as he is the one that is typically manipulating. Actually, it’s been awkward for Ben since he came back to the island. Almost like a reset, but the opposite is true for Ben, like with Hurley being lucky, but Ben is now a flunky. Therefore Ben is in a state of shock and awe. MIB goes on a rant about John Locke. The last thought in Locke’s head before he died was “I don’t understand….” John was a very sad man, he was weak, pathetic, irreparably broken. As MIB is dipping in and out of the light of where he is sitting, his face is contorting and shifting between Locke’s innocence and MIB’s fiery fury. Ben looks like a completely broken man. MIB continues to pile on. Locke was the only one who realized how pitiful of a life he left behind. This is so true. Just about everybody else that landed on the island is just no dam good. Who is an innocent, besides Locke? They are all bad people. Hurley? Even he killed some people when a deck collapsed, as was discussed with his therapist when he was in the nut hut. Locke might have been a good guy, but he's dead. Desmond killed Inman. Daniel put Theresa's mind into never never land. Who's left? These are bad people with bad lives, and can you think of any of them that hasn't killed someone at some point, or did bad stuff? And they were/are just clamoring to get off the island and go back to the bad stuff. Locke really needs to get some validation in Season 6. MIB is just running him down, parading around as Locke, and that body is just lying on the beach. Locke needs some kind of revenge. But that is a Hollywood ending, and this show is not following any blue print I’ve ever seen. Also, MIB talks as if he is the protector of the island. While Jacob seems to be more of a people person, MIB speaks of tradition and the island. There are so many things we still don’t know about MIB and Jacob, but I don’t think either one is all that good. What we have is a battle between two bad guys, at least that’s the way I’m viewing them at this point. Two bad guys, and a cast of characters that are bad people. Ben: What do you want? MIB: I want to go home. MIB twists his face into a mask of pure evil. How cool was that? Now, MIB wanting to go home could mean a couple of different things. The most likely answer is The Temple. The Other Others are preparing themselves as if that is exactly where he is headed now that Jacob is dead and apparently not protecting them anymore. A more intangible answer is the Temple, but in the sense of a similarity to Dogma, the Kevin Smith movie, where Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are fallen angels who are convinced by Jason Lee’s character to follow through on a loophole created by Catholic dogma, where if they pass through the doors of a certain church in New Jersey, they will find a way to get back into Heaven after being cast out by God. However, as existence is founded on the principle that God is infallible, their success would prove God wrong and thus undo all creation. The last scion and two prophets are sent by the Voice of God to stop them. Can you see the parallels of MIB finding a loophole, wanting to go to The Temple, and wipe out creation, or the island, or end the game he and Jacob are playing and sacrificing people for? The people out to stop MIB are the Oceanic 815 people that Jacob selected. The scenario could change by next week, but I thought it was a very familiar concept. Sure, I’m constantly comparing LOST to various movies or TV shows, but some concepts do get recycled. Such as, I wouldn’t mind seeing Salma Hayek dancing around a stripping pole on the island like she did in Dogma, which in itself is recycled from From Dusk Till Dawn, where Salma Hayek dances around a stripping pole in a vampire club.

Hurley tells Sayid that he can stop by anytime for a chat since he is dead, dude. Hurley also has a pottery wheel and a cassette tape of the Righteous Brothers. Hurley turns to Miles, and asks, “What, dude?” Miles says “Nothing”. Double meaning. He is telling Hurley to leave him alone. But, Miles can read the thoughts of the dead. And, he apparently can’t read the thoughts of Sayid. Sayid is not truly dead yet. You know, I need to back up a second. Jack gave up rather quickly on trying to revive Sayid. Kate, who has zero medical training, tells Jack to give up. Jack has been practicing medicine for a long time, and he takes the advice of some newbie nurse. Balderdash. Mother Kate Teresa is trying to take care of a wounded Sawyer. Kate: I’m so sorry. Notice, when Kate said this, it was with a completely unsympathetic facial expression, as if she had to spit out poison or something similar in distastefulness. Sawyer is still full of vinegar, and gives Kate the answer that she wants to hear. “I ain’t going to kill Jack” Sawyer wants Jack to live with his guilt. The camera pans to Jack, who is deep in thought, or at least attempting to think, as I can hear the merry go round music coming out of his ears. Jack and Locke are both putting in claims for missing items, Locke a suitcase full of knives which he had on the island, and a dead father, which Jack lost on the island. L: they didn’t lose your father, they just lost his body. That may be true in some sense, as it applies to Locke himself in 2007. But I didn’t care for the Faith vs. Science yet again. Yawn. Locke says his condition is irreversible, and this time Jack pulls the Faith vs. Science card the opposite direction, gives Locke his business card. Richard and the Others see the flare, cementing the fact that the Losties are in 2007 at the Temple. MIB walks out, and Richard yells at everybody not to shoot, as it seems Richard knows the rules of engagement with MIB. Frank, who still refuses to button up his shirt, pulls out the cheesy: I’m still not believing it. Frank is to comedy what Tom Arnold is to comedy. MIB: Richard, it’s good to see you out of those chains. Two possible interpretations. While a popular scenario is that Richard was on the Black Rock, and I’ve held that belief at times, and since it was a slave ship, Richard may have been on that boat. However, all of the Others keep saying that Richard has been around for a really long time. When I think of a significant amount of time, I don’t know if 150 years cuts it, since the Black Rock set sail from England to Siam in 1845. Sure, you can add in loop time, but that still doesn’t change perception. Knowing that many different civilizations have existed on the island, including Egyptian, and there was plenty of slavery going on in the Middle East for millenniums, is it a stretch to think Richard was a slave a couple of thousand years ago? We really need some kind of back story for Richard. Richard: You? MIB: Me!!! And then MIB promptly kicks Richard’s ass. MIB turns to the Others: I’m very disappointed in all of you. MIB picks up the fallen Richard, carries him off like a boar, and walks by the corpse of Locke without a a glance. So, is MIB disappointed in the Others for choosing to serve Jacob’s wishes? Is MIB pulling a power play and going to pretend to be Jacob. Nobody has seen Jacob, except for Ben, who is scared. Richard can’t demand an audience with Jacob, so has Richard even seen him? Can Jacob manifest himself like MIB can, or is this a unique property? So many questions, and no answers yet. In the Temple, Jack is ordered to go to a meeting, and I know exactly what that feels like, especially late in the afternoon and I’ve run out of tea. A scuffle starts up, but ends quickly as Sayid rises up and “What happened?” This is something very different from what we have seen before. It seems that Sayid is alive, but is dead. I think there is very little chance that Jacob is somehow controlling or physically manipulating Sayid like some kind of Being John Malkovich scenario, a puppeteer pulling the strings. MIB has never physically possessed a body. He or Smokie have manifested or shape shifted into a dead person’s form, have been able to do physical things like Dave throwing a shoe at Hurley or biting Nikki as a killer spider. You can plainly see Locke’s body on the sand, so MIB does not require an actual body. Why would Jacob? No, Jacob is dead, and I can’t see him possessing a secondary character like Sayid. A Locke or Jack could be worthy of being possessed, but not Sayid. You have to think about what specific talents do these Jacob selected people have? Well, I will have a hard time figuring out some of their abilities, and I think you know who I am talking about, but Sayid is an assassin. A willing stooge, ready to do the bidding of his boss, like he did for Ben. A killer. Jacob needs this skill. Why? Because he needs to kill the Smoke Monster. And this means that MIB is not the Smoke Monster, but they are just buddies. Yes, Sayid is now the undead because I believe he is being groomed to fight homicidal, genocidal, school recital puff of smoke. If Sayid now has special abilities, that would be a fight for the ages, as long as the CGI is better than the crappy underwater scene of the island the last episode. And if Sayid kills Smokie, he will be the greatest warrior in the history of the world, other than the mothers who trample security guards on Black Friday when the local Walmart doors open up at 3:00 AM. Or Sayid was taking a nap and just woke up and is normal. Either way.

6.1 LA X: Part One

Well, what can I possibly say? LOST had about 9 months to figure out a way to deliver up to our expectations, and I think they did a hell of a job in doing jut that. From what I understand, they increased their audience maybe 50% for this season opener from last year. Yes, lots of folks have been busy on hulu or DVDs to get caught up before Season 6. And I can’t blame them. Early on, I have to say that if Terry O’Quinn doesn’t win an Emmy for his multiple character portrayal on this show, the system is broken. Sure, we can give awards to sh!!t like Two and a Half Men or Glee or and most anything else network TV airs, but I’ve loved everything I’ve seen from Terry O’Quinn. He’s been a staple in the X Files universe, the second best drama ever made. He was a major player in Millennium, a vastly underrated spinoff from X Files, the godfather to any profiler series on the air since, and still the best of its kind. Millennium is just about as good as X Files, but much darker. He was a star in Harsh Realm, only 9 episodes deep, which if you were to chop that show off at the knees, episode 8 would have been a good place to stop. ‘ole Ter was also on 3 episodes of X Files and in the X Files first movie. He’s been around. And between him and Michael Emerson as Ben, this show boasts the two finest drama actors on TV today. Holy sh!!t, these guys are fantastic. Locke and MIB were acting their asses off, and they are the same guy. Focking amazing. So, where to begin? Most of you have been pushing your theories. My turn. As always, I avoid spoilers, and try to stay away from other people’s write-ups until I get my stuff posted.

The LOST co-executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have gone on record saying that there will be no alternate time lines in this series. So, this week must have been confusing for the literalists out there. Seems like these guys may have been honest after all. What we have here are dual timelines. I don’t think they would go to so much trouble to show us what would have happened if the plane never crashed and still continue the complicated story line of Jacob and MIB without a proper resolution, so I have to accept at this time dual realities. If you have narrow stream flowing, literally a stream in the woods, then drop a huge rock in the middle of it, a rock bigger than the stream itself, there is a possibility that the stream will split in two separate forks, and go in two entirely different directions around the boulder. Doesn’t mean that one stream is present reality and the other is the alternate time line. It just means that both forks exist, and both are as equally real. It also doesn’t mean that at some point both forks can’t merge to become one stream again, on the other side of the boulder. Does this end my multiple loop theory. Not at all. This was an explanation for Seasons 1-5. I was expecting Season 6 to be anything goes. As the LAX fork continues, we see many, many differences in details from Season One’s Oceanic 815. Changes have certainly happened, and this time they are blatantly obvious. But a reset has happened, as expected. The Losties land in Los Angeles. What we didn’t anticipate was that the bomb most likely triggered a split in the time stream, and we have that reset, but we also have the Losties in 2007, because Jacob still needs them, and they cannot leave. Nothing is that simple, is it? If Michael can’t kill himself, and certain other events have to happen, the Losties need to remain on the island as well. I might speculate at this point, and it’s just speculation, that the Loop is a 3 year time period. Sept 2004, add in 3 years of Dharma time that Sawyer and company spent on the island and the Oceanic 6 spent off the island, and the bomb goes off, knocking everybody alive back to 2004. But now we have 2004 and 2007, the time of Oceanic 815’s crash and the time of Jacob’s death. A three year loop. But I’m just speculating. Let’s try to deal in facts. If I remember to stick to this plan.

We know things are different right off the bat when he see Jack on the Oceanic plane, different haircut, and Cindy only give the Doc ONE liquor bottle, not two. As you might recall, in Season One, Jack poured one bottle into his drink, and saved a bottle for Kate to wash his wound before sewing him back up, when Jack gave his lame count to 5 speech. Tables are turned, as Rose is now spending time comforting Jack during the turbulence. Actually, Rose and Bernard spent the whole LAX flight being a bit too snarky, smirky, and generally too suspicious for my taste. They know something, their memories may be stronger than Doctor Doofus. I missed you Schmoopie. No, I missed you more, Schmoopie. Rose and Bernard are maggots. Jack walks into a bathroom, looks into a mirror, and says "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”, at which point I throw my sofa out my living room window. But he also has a cut on this neck. I guess some vampire tried to bite him, but must have been allergic to stupid. Desmond is on the plane, which is very unexpected. The mention of the word “brother” triggers a recollection in Jack, who queries Desmond if they have met before. Another notable thing about this scene is that Desmond is flashing what appears to be a wedding ring. There is zero way of knowing who he might be married to. Maybe Penny, maybe the girl he was engaged to before running off and joining the monastery, or somebody else. The plane is flying over the ocean, and going beneath the waves, we encounter schools of fish, sunken houses that look like Dharma houses, a swing set, a shark with the Dharma logo, and the statue foot. So, the island did exist, Dharma on the island existed, the statue existed, yet the island is under water and the Losties are on Oceanic 815. Do we assume that the bomb did this? No necessarily. A bomb generally is not powerful enough to sink an island. Sure, this island was chock full of negatively charged exotic energy. But sinking that much mass? If you have that much force, why are the houses intact and not just a pile of wood? No, I’m not ready to say the bomb did it. After all, you blow up the island, then how do you build the Swan to get the Losties to crash on the island so that they can time jump to blow up the island. It’s a paradox. It does not make sense. For all we know, this island under the sea might be the last scene of the last episode of LOST. We saw that the Daniel Faraday scene in the Season 5 opener actually took place near the end of Season 5. But the island did exist. That is about the only solid takeaway.

Kate revives while in a tree, and much to my dismay, did not fall and break her neck. This is reminiscent of Bernard landing in a tree during the Tailies original crash. She is temporarily deaf, instantly clueing us in that a bomb did indeed explode. The problem is that Kate and Miles are the first ones that wake up, so the others are not necessarily clued into the bomb aftershock. We all realize at the same time that they have been tossed into a time after Desmond, Locke, and Eko blew up the Swan hatch. It is 2007, the precise same time that Ajira landed and MIB orchestrated the stabbing of Jacob. So it’s the future for Sawyer, Jin, and Miles, and the present for Jack, Hurley, Kate, Sayid, Ben, Locke, Sun, Frank. Yes, indeed, the Swan hatch was built, even after a hydrogen bomb detonation. Need more info on this one, as it makes my head hurt. Kate sees both Jack and Sawyer passed out, and goes to Jack first. Well, her pea brain finally chose between the two, probably after she saw Sawyer screaming NO!!!! when Juliet got sucked down the shaft. Sawyer kicks Jack in the head and knocks him into the Swan hole. I laughed. S: You were wrong!!! Well, technically, Daniel is the one to blame. Jack simply took the baton from him and kept running with it, right into that painting on the side of the mountain like Wile E Coyote. And also the fact that the plane did not crash in one of the dual realities. S: you blew us back to where we started. This is true, other than a lot, a hell of a lot of people are dead now, including the object of Sawyer’s madness, Juliet. Back on the plane, Kate steals Jack’s pen when exiting the bathroom. Come on, we’ve seen enough slight of hand to pick up on that one right away. Doc Arts is back, and peppering Colonel Hurley with questions about his fried chicken empire. Hurley tells Sawyer that he won the lottery, is the luckiest person in the world and that nothing bad ever happens to him. Sawyer licks his lips, and already has decided which con to pull on Hurley. On the island, Hurley is lamenting how the day turned to night in a second. Um, dude, have you been seeing what the TV viewer has been watching for 5 seasons? This happens to you all the time. Oh, yeah. You don’t see those loops, do you? Sayid is still bleeding out faster than a Dexter victim, and Juliet makes some indication that she is still alive. Sayid is feeling repentant, a lesson not learned by Mr Eko. Sayid is giving a deathbed confession, concerned that wherever he goes upon death, it won’t be pleasant. Yes, he’s going to inner city Detroit. The horror. Jacob shows up to talk to Hurley.

The familiar bossy Jin and meek Sun from Season One are back, or at least that is the way we perceived them back then. This will not end well. The Locke and Boone scene was a nice touch. It was as if they were back on the island again, in a familiar rhythm of dialogue. Shannon didn’t appear, staying back in Australia with her abusive boyfriend instead of sleeping with her step brother and being on the plane. Well, those are certainly changes. Her seat was empty, as Boone, empty, Neil “Frogurt”, and Locke were in the same row. Locke lies about going on a walkabout. Please, don’t tell me anybody believed his bullsh!t. I’ve seen Survivorman and Man vs Wild. Bear Grylls had to resort to extremes in Australia, as I think he drank his own piss there due to lack of water. And that guy is a professional. Locke couldn’t survive in the airport terminal for 10 days with his dead legs. Of course he is paralyzed. At the foot, Ben is in state of shock. Man In Black orders him to go fetch Richard. Richard is scolding the new guys as he explains that Jacob has to invite you in for an audience. Ben carries out MIB lies and tells Richard that John/MIB wants to talk to him. Richard drags Ben over and shows him Locke’s dead body.

The Losties act impulsively and start to dig out Juliet while ignoring Sayid’s death plight. Sayid gets no respect. Jacob comes out of the jungle to talk to Hurley. He doesn’t act cryptically at all. Jin won’t see him because Jacob is dead. In the past, it might taken us 10 episodes to find out a fact like that. Nope, the writers have to be more direct as often as they can. Since Hurley can talk to the dead, for real, he is going to be the interpreter for Jacob, and it’s a good thing he doesn’t just speak Japanese. Take Sayid to the Temple. Very goofy that the place of death for the French is the way to life for Iraqis. Bring the guitar case. In the Swan ditch, Sawyer is wild eyed, foaming at the mouth, and tossing out death threats. And yet, I still feel he is still more rational than Chef Gordon Ramsey after you serve him a bad risotto. Charlie is unresponsive on the plane in the bathroom. Must have taken a dump that made him pass out from the strain. Fiber, dude, fiber. And Jamie Lee Curtis is pushing some kind of chic yogurt that I think makes men pregnant, but I wasn’t paying attention. When did her hair turn so gray?

Charlie isn’t breathing, and Jack needs something sharp. Well, since Kate stole his pen, this gets tricky. Um, not really. You just served the plane a bunch of meals with actual silverware. Can somebody grab a fork or a knife? Instead Jack jams his fist into Charlie’s mouth. Ew. Jack first saved Charlie’s life when he and Kate cut him down from a noose that Ethan put him into, another situation where Charlie could not breathe. Jack pulls a bag of heroin the size of a Tic Tac out of Charlie’s throat. Charlie: Am I alive? And he sounds upset that he is. Sure, if his back story remains the same, his musical comeback seems to be over, he is a junkie, and has no future to speak of. His life sucks. But even if he has a death wish, or even if he has a recollection of having a death wish on the island, how does he end up with heroin in his throat. In the original pilot, he did a little on his gums, then hid the rest in his shoe. He couldn’t do it again? He decided to swallow it? Not even flush it? But swallow it? Or did it get in his throat some other way? It’s a change from the previous plane version that we saw, but it’s a really dumb Charlie version. Sawyer reaches a dying Juliet. She is upset. J: It didn’t work; we are still on the island; I hit the bomb; I wanted you to go home. The problem with Juliet’s plan is that even if the bomb thing worked, she would have been in the Dharma barracks in 2004, being sexually harassed by Ben, still having an affair with Goodwin, and still trying to get off the island. But she would be on the island nonetheless. Her plan was either completely selfless to allow Sawyer a fresh start off island, or completely selfish because she couldn’t bare the thought of Sawyer hooking up with Kate again. Although, that would be just fine and dandy with Kate, as she would most likely have sex with Sawyer on top of Juliet’s grave. Hurley hatches the Temple plan, and I’m just amazed that after so many years, Jack has the audacity to ask “Who’s Jacob/”. Jumping Jehosophat, what do you people talk about when you get together? Who your favorite Oceanic 6 is? Bram decides that it’s better to have a bad plan than to have no plan at all. He is on the fast track to be in charge of NBC late night programming. He and a couple of buddies grab Ben and go inside the foot. MIB confronts the Bram Team as Jacob’s bodyguards, and that since Jacob is dead, they were free to get on with their lives and leave. They were free. Here is an instance where the concept of free will/choice rears its ugly head, a major point of contention with Jacob/MIB. Also, it seemed like MIB couldn’t really do any harm to these dopes unless he was provoked. Once they shot at him, all hell broke loose. MIB seemingly disappears, and some kind of small object is left behind in the sand, and that object I have yet to identify. Then you hear the familiar rattling and whooting and cranking as Smokie enters the chamber. He proceeds to clobber Bram and his stooges with a righteous clobbering. Smokie rules. Bram surrounds himself with an ash circle, which stops MIB for about 2 seconds, but after getting some rocks to knock him out of his circle like some silly pool ball, Bram gets a clobbering too. Ben walks around like a confused tourist in Harlem, and eventually sees MIB again. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” On face value, I suppose most people will simply accept that MIB is the Smoke Monster. I’m not so ready to accept it. First of all, last season, Smokie was Christian in the Processing cabin when Sun and Frank paddled to the island. But at the same time, Locke/MIB was on the Hydra island, entertaining Ben and Caesar and Ilana. So, are we to blindly accept that MIB can be in two places at once? When Ben went to be judged by Smokie, Locke/MIB went to find some rope after Ben fell to the lower chamber. But after MIB disappeared, Smokie appeared seconds later from a lower, lower chamber through a vent. That was awfully fast to get from one spot to another, but barely possible. I will admit that it’s hard to see how Smokie got inside the foot unless he was MIB, but that two places at once thing really, really bothers me. Plus, does MIB need to tell Ben the truth? He could be further manipulating Ben, as he has been doing for a while now. There is no need to tell the truth. Do we simply accept this? MIB seemed genuinely surprised when Ben told him that Ben had to do everything John Locke told him to do. Pretending to be surprised, or genuinely surprised? Sigh. I’m a stickler for details. Such as Ben was able to summon the Smoke monster from the Barracks. Really? The Others can summon Smokie, at their whim, and the MIB is at their beck and call?

Sawyer digs out Juliet. Oh my God, they’ve killed Juliet!!! Those basterds!!! Yes, Juliet is the new Kenny from South Park. The show keeps bringing her back, and keeps killing her. Two shows in a row. That’s got to be some kind of record. And it’s not like people don’t get better on the island. Charlie survived dying from a hanging. Mikhail at the pylons. Naomi got better with that punctured lung. Rose beat cancer. I look forward to next episode, when zombie Juliet, Nikki, and Paulo storm the Temple. And Juliet dies again. Before Juliet died, she needed to tell Sawyer something. Probably along the lines of “Don’t bury me, because there is a wicked cool spring at the Temple that could cure me…” or “paralyzed” or something silly like that. Death Charlie informs us that he was supposed to die. Charlie can sense between both timelines very clearly that he is living on borrowed time. A universe course correction will most likely kill him soon enough. That’s probably the fate of any dead people we saw on the plane. Final Destination movie plot; you can’t keep cheating death, as the Grim Reaper will hunt you down like the focking college you graduated from looking for donations. I changed addresses 11 times in 8 years. Nobody could find me. A day after I moved in, my university called me to see if I’ve settled in OK. They shall never see a penny from me. Penny, I’ve missed ya, brother. Mother fockers could find probably Bin Laden in 4 days. No matter how many times I’ve wished death on their children, they won’t take me off their phone list. Desmond disappears from the plane. Now, I doubt Jack can all of the sudden can see or talk to the dead like Miles or Hurley. It’s not something that happens suddenly. But I would not be surprised if Desmond can now PHYSICALLY can bounce between time periods, such as the dual realities we are in right now. Remember, he is extraordinarily special in space time. Desmond might think he is done with the island, but the island is not through with him. I don’t believe a word coming out of Rose’s mouth. We didn’t see anyone, we were asleep. Fock that. You’re retired and don’t want to get involved anymore. You saw him disappear. Captain Norris, the pilot from the pilot episode (see how I did that?) announces they are about to land. Sayid looks over his passport, and I swear that it says that Sayid is from Iran. Geez, talk about loops. He is all of the sudden Iranian and not Iraqi. His nationality changed? They land. Locke is still wheelchair bound.

Let’s take a second to review the dead people we saw in LAX LOST, pending someone I can’t think of or someone I completely overlooked or don't care about. Doc Artz, Charlie, Neil “Frogurt”, Boone, John Locke.

We did not see anywhere on the island or plane any dead background Others, dead background Freighters, dead background French, Shannon, Daniel, Charlotte, Mr Eko, Nikki, Paulo, Michael, Libby, Ana Lucia, Alex, Rousseau, Karl, Christian. I guess Dead is Dead.